It’s all you have to do…

Video February 18, 2003 Neil Moir Leave a comment

Apologies if lowculture seems a bit distracted. Following Matt Lucas’ star turn as the Shake ‘n’ Vac housewife on last night’s Shooting Stars, the sweet smell of nostalgia soon filled the air.

Those of you of a certain age will be pleased to find our search for the original advert was quickly rewarded with the discovery of the TV ARK website.

Shimmying across the carpet with a carton of salt (in the absence of the scented powder), lowculture soon worked up a thirst.

So how impressed were we to discover the site also included clips for Libby’s Moonshine and Kia-Ora. We were also brought back to the days when a finger of Fudge really was just enough.

Yet we remain thankful that many years have passed since our craving for entertainment had to be satisfied with Look-In magazine, whose 1985 run included a Cannon and Ball cartoon strip. Rock on, Tommy.

2013 UPDATE: The Shake ‘n Vac lady, Jenny Logan, was brought out of retirement and forced by Glade to redo the famous dance to celebrate the product’s 30th anniversary. She looked like she really needed that sit down at the end, bless her.

Music, TV

It would take a strong, strong man to write a song for One True Voice

Video February 17, 2003 Paul Lang Leave a comment

According to the official PWL website, none other than Rick Astley is working on tracks for One True Voice.

Let’s hope they capture the imagination a bit more than Lauren Waterworth’s line-dancing anthem, the Show.

2013 UPDATE: They did not.

Music, TV

Give that boy a slap

Video February 17, 2003 Paul Lang Leave a comment

Fame Academy winner David Sneddon has flown in the face of popular (ie our) opinion that the cancellation of Scot-soap High Road is nothing short of a national outrage.

“I’m glad it’s finishing,” he told the Scottish edition of The Sun.

But what has poor old High Road done to attract the ire of the weasel-faced singing muppet?

It’s all because he shares a name with High Road’s chief villain, Davie Sneddon.

“I’ve had the mickey taken out of me for years because of High Road,” bleated Sneddon jr. “It was always ‘Is Davie Sneddon your dad’?

“It got worse when I had a No.1 and people would recognise me in the street and shout out: “Hey Davie – how’s Mrs Mack”.

“So although it’s a dreadful shame for fans of High Road and the actors involved, personally I’m glad to see the back of it – because now I’m the one and only Davie Sneddon.”

David – you’re officially barred from Scotland, or at least the very tiny bit of it that lowculture owns.

2013 UPDATE: Poor old Sneddo.

Ouch

Video February 17, 2003 Paul Lang Leave a comment

Just when you thought Dream Team was the only thing worth watching on Sky 1 on a Sunday night, along comes the new shagging-in-the-sky drama, Mile High.

In the first episode, the entire cast’s clothes fell off, the characters snorted and swallowed heaps of illegal substances, two of them did it proper in the hotel pool, James Redmond sucked his gut in a lot and a male stripper with multiple genital piercings flashed them all for our viewing pleasure.

There might have been a storyline of some sort as well, but we weren’t really paying attention.

Anyway, the chap with the Prince Albert reminded lowculture of the tale of a workmate who had treated herself to a pointy new friend in an intimate locaton.

She was thrilled with it (literally), and told us that she had recently met a man who had the male equivalent: “You know – a King Edward”.

2013 UPDATE: No idea whether my former colleague still has her fanny piercing, although she did claim that with it she was rarely more than six steps from heaven so I would doubt very much that it’s come back out.

High Road culture

Video February 16, 2003 Paul Lang Leave a comment

It’s a sad weekend here in Scotland, as our beloved home-grown soap opera, High Road, has been axed.

Like shortbread, tartan, ginger hair and those little Highland soldiers with the furry hats that can only be purchased at gift shops near Edinburgh Castle, High Road is a Scottish institution.

Recently, we have been treated to storylines as thrilling as Mrs Mack’s attempt to triumph over Effie MacDonald in the village soup-making competition, Chic Cherry’s vintage car scam, and Joanna Ross-Gifford’s rebirth as a middle-aged superslut.

To add insult to injury, the series – which we currently enjoy in a prime-time Sunday slot just before Corrie – will end on a cliffhanger, as the current run was recorded two-and-a-half years ago, and there are no plans to film a conclusion.

The last episode will be shown on April 13, and we’ll be sure to report back with news of whose soup was best.

2013 UPDATE: I forget whose soup was best.

The benchmark is set

February 14, 2003 Paul Lang 1 Comment

When you look out your window and see storm clouds gathering, it’s probably best to stay inside.

ITV obviously does not agree with this sentiment. When John Leslie, the original host of Surprise Wedding, had to be replaced after suffering minor personal problems, they chose to push on, ignoring the possibility that it was a sign from above that they were doing a bad, bad thing.

Replacement Mark Durden-Smith must have told the six desperate brides how brave they were about 500 times over the course of the show. And brave they were – if you were a commitment-phobic man whose girlfriend was determined to march you down the aisle, could there be a worse surprise waiting to greet you than the your beloved, in a wedding dress, standing on a nasty set with a grinning fool and a Scottish padre? No, we didn’t think so.

And yet! Call us romantic (or just stupid), but there was something strangely compelling about the whole affair – and we’re not just talking about the peculiar attraction of Jodie’s headgear.

It started well when, four minutes in, one of the brides threatened to kill herself if rejected. Co-host Amanda Lamb claimed that everyone was on tenderhooks (which we’re assuming are like tenterhooks, only softer), and we certainly were as the brides each gave a syrup-y piece to camera about their great love, all soft-focus and cheesy music.

One by one, each of the gormless blokes said ‘yes’, and our cold, cold heart was showing disturbing signs of warming up.

They blew it with the last couple, though. Sonia was the most eager bride and Mick the most reluctant groom, and you could almost believe it would all go horribly wrong when … the music stopped!

But no, Mick wasn’t having genuine second thoughts. This was a cynical, scripted attempt to keep the tension going for a few minutes more. The look on poor Sonia’s face told us that, as a piece of cold, casual cruelty, it was unsurpassed in reality TV history, and we wish it had ended some other way.

Also, does anyone else think that none of those people actually got married?

2013 UPDATE: An angry Jodie emailed us after this post went up to say that yes, they did actually get married, and they were very happy, thank you very much. WHICH IS LOVELY.

lowculture.co.uk

Whoah-oh-oh oh, on the radio

Video February 13, 2003 Paul Lang Leave a comment

Friend of lowculture Matt from bestworst is on the radio this morning. He promises “only the best pop, and trashy features”, so you won’t go wrong.

As we write, he’s playing the theme from Match of the Day, and it will be interesting to see how that pans out.

Anyway, click here for a listen. He’s only on until 12, though

2013 UPDATE: I subsequently went on a date with Matt. We saw Liberty X at G-A-Y. There was no second date.

Things we like on BBC3

Video February 12, 2003 Paul Lang Leave a comment

» Burn It (for William Ash and lingering shots of Mel B’s tits)

» Swiss Toni (for outrageous Tom Baker guest appearance)

» Little Britain (ridiculously good).

Music, TV

Frenchie letter

Video February 11, 2003 Paul Lang Leave a comment

Thank you, ITV2, for giving us the splendidly trashy American Idol.

In a lot of ways, it reminds us of a bad photocopy of Pop Idol – not bad, just slightly fuzzy.

We were disappointed that they skipped over the audition process in just two hours – watching people with no talent being humiliated on TV is one of our favourite pastimes, so a bit more of that would have been welcome.

Of course, Simon Cowell is in his element telling all the poor, deluded Americans that they’re tone deaf and dressed like a hooker, but we have some worries about his fellow judges. Randy Jackson’s OK, but we can’t even look at Paula Abdul without the spectre of the Vibeology video looming large in our mind.

Lots of the contestants have the very annoying ‘Mariah syndrome’ (why sing just one note when you can sing 15 just to show how clever you are?), but they’re all bright, perky and have nice teeth, so that’s OK.

Our favourite, though, is Frenchie Davis, a woman who may as well have ‘ball-busting diva’ stamped on her forehead. We hope she wins.

2013 UPDATE: She did not win.

All mixed up, it’s so confusing

Video February 10, 2003 Paul Lang Leave a comment

We touched briefly on the subject of the Alessi Twins from Neighbours, alias Gayle and Gillian Blakeney, about a week ago and, frankly, we’ve been able to think about little else since.

Where are they now? Are they bitter that their pop career was a miserable flop-o-rama? And does one of them still have a wonky mouth?

Sadly, we could find no trace of them after 1994, which was so long ago that lowculture was still a teenager.

Back then, they managed to bag themselves a guest spot in a dreadful US cop show called Silk Stalkings, which enjoyed a brief run on Sky One in the mid-90s (we watched it religiously during the Chris and Rita era, and were heartbroken when Chris was murdered so Rob Estes could go off to be in Melrose Place).

Anyway, they played a pair of ballerina-dancer twins (surprise!) who were involved in a dastardly murder plot. We’ve even dug up a picture of them in their leotards.

But since that, nothing. Can anyone shed any light on their activities?

2013 UPDATE: Still no sign.

It's great to love stuff