Geri good show

Video February 10, 2003 Paul Lang Leave a comment

Are you missing your weekly dose of La Halliwell now that Popstars: The Rivals is just a dim and distant memory?

Well, don’t fret, because Geri’s got another show in the pipeline.

Unlikely as it may seem, she’s been making kissy-faces with old pal Simon Fuller, and is about to become one of the coaches on 19′s latest US reality TV project.

In All American Girl, 15 unfortunates will be split into groups led by either our Geri or one of two other people we’ve never heard of. They will then be sent to a kind of beauty-queen boot camp where their athletic ability, mental agility, performance in the popular arts and beauty will be assessed.

The coaches will be responsible for reducing their groups to four and then three finalists before the obligatory telephone vote and lucrative contract for the winner.

We await the episode in which La H instructs the hopefuls in the art of raking around George Michael’s bins for cake with considerable interest.

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To You, To Me

Video February 10, 2003 Paul Lang Leave a comment

lowculture has recently discovered that a colleague was the editor of the 1995 Chuckle Brothers annual.

Full report if and when we can bear to quiz him on the subject.

2013 UPDATE: The colleague I mentioned is this man: http://www.thisisgrimsby.co.uk/Jungle-Zoo-protest-case-collapses/story-11535881-detail/story.html

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Alien ladyboy shocker

Video February 9, 2003 Paul Lang Leave a comment

The sudden deluge of hermaphrodite babies on television has made us yearn for more innocent times.

That’s why were were so delighted to see that UK Gold had started repeating old episodes of Doctor Who from the Jon Pertwee years.

These stories, which date from the early 1970s, follow a fairly standard pattern in which the Doctor, stranded on earth by the Time Lords for being naughty, would team up with some army types to defeat alien invasions. All good, wholesome stuff.

Unfortunately, we then remembered a story called The Curse of Peladon, which featured a cowardly hermaphrodite monster with a squeaky voice named Alpha Centauri.

If that wasn’t shocking enough, when the actor playing this strange beast appeared on the studio floor in costume for the first time, the director realised that he/she was basically a dressed in a giant rubber phallus.

As you can see from the picture, even the last-minute addition of a fetching yellow cape could not disguise the awful truth.

So, on reflection, you should probably just stick with Footballers Wives after all.

2013 UPDATE: I’ve added a YouTube video tribute to Alpha Centauri to this post. I promise I didn’t make it myself, despite the fact that the soundtrack is Floorfiller by A*Teens.

Music

Win Sybil

February 8, 2003 Paul Lang Leave a comment

All our talk of Sybil’s The Love I Lost yesterday has made us feel quite teary-eyed and nostalgic. In fact, we feel we should be doing more to keep the spirit of Sybil strong in the 21st century.

With this in mind, we’ve decided to give away a copy of her classic 1993 album, Good ‘n’ Ready, that we bought in Cash Converters ages ago and knew would come in handy one day.

This splendid item has been fetching sums as high as 25p on eBay, but we’re going to give it away to one lucky lowculture reader for free

For your chance to win, all you have to do is compose a poem or limerick in honour of Sybil herself (no slash fiction, please.)

Once you’re done, email it to sybil@lowculture.co.uk.

If your poem is the best (or possibly even if it’s the worst), you nab the loot. Closing date: Friday, February 14.

2013 UPDATE: Nobody ever won this prize. I still have the CD.

Music

We will never, no no never, lo-ove again

Video February 7, 2003 Paul Lang Leave a comment

Flicking through the local paper yesterday, we came across the top 10 from ten years ago this week.

We were horrified to realise that a whole decade has passed since the lovely Sybil was at No.2 with the mighty The Love I Lost.

To celebrate, we’re proud to present the original single cover, just for you. Seeing it again reminded us of how sorry we used to feel that whoever did the sleeves at PWL went to increasingly elaborate lengths to avoid showing too much of Syb’s face.

And was there some sort of rule that female solo artists with first names beginning with ‘S’ produced by Pete Waterman were not allowed to use their surnames? Mind you, Sybil Lynch, Sonia Evans and Sinitta Malone don’t have quite the same ring to them, do they?

If anyone knows where Sybil is now, please get in touch. If lowculture ever comes into money, we plan to buy her for our collection.

2013 UPDATE: It is now 20 years. Fucking hell. Sybil found this post after Googling herself and sent me a lovely email telling me what she had been up to, and I felt really bad for saying that bit about her face.

Music

Aww, bless

February 6, 2003 Paul Lang Leave a comment

So, ‘hunky’ Kian from Westlife is dating Liz from Atomic Kitten.

This is terrible news, as it makes ‘Who’s the gay one?’ conversations a whole lot less interesting.

2013 UPDATE: It was Mark.

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Message to everyone on the Internet

February 6, 2003 Paul Lang Leave a comment

It’s “should have”, not “should of”.

Thank you.

2013 UPDATE: I am still banging on about this, although mostly on Twitter these days.

It’s like a sickness, really

February 6, 2003 Paul Lang Leave a comment

Crossroads. It’s got supremely bad acting, tacky sets and some of the worst storylines ever broadcast on television.

In fact, we can’t think of any reason why anyone would want to watch it at all.

Hasn’t stopped us tuning in to every single episode, though.

Jane Asher is superb as Generic Bitch (we love how she always kisses the old-fashioned way), and we can’t help but want to do bad things to Ryan and Jimmy, despite them being the worst sex symbols in the history of soap opera.

It’s poor Jane Gurnett we feel sorry for, though. The pain of her involvement in the whole enterprise seems to be etched on her face throughout every second she is on screen as Kate.

2013 UPDATE: I subsequently met Jane Gurnett at the Mamma Mia 10th anniversary party. I had drunk three pints of wine and she couldn’t get away from me quickly enough.

Hold the Holby

Video February 5, 2003 Paul Lang Leave a comment

We would love to tell you what we think about last night’s Holby City. But, as Lowculture Towers is located in Scotland, we can’t, because our tartan version of the BBC thinks we should watch it on a Wednesday night, a whole 24 hours after the rest of the nation. Frankly, we’re breathless with anticipation.

This delay allows us to enjoy the dubious charms of River City, Scotland’s very own soap.

It’s the everyday story of the residents of Montego Street in Shieldinch, a fictional Glasgow suburb. As it’s set in Scotland, it features lots of people with ginger hair (they put Irn Bru in our water, you see), and also stars her out of Deacon Blue as the heroin-addict prodigal daughter of the main family.

It’s actually not quite as bad as it sounds, but nothing and no-one can come between us and our weekly appointment with Sister Kath, so we hate it. Official.

Tales from the crypt

Video February 4, 2003 Paul Lang Leave a comment

Bonkers late-night soap Night And Day is about to get really strange.

They had a hermaphrodite baby weeks before Footballers Wives, and they’re now set to unveil soap’s first undead character.

Cute-but-strange Josh, played by Seb Castang, is about to take a funny turn after getting a beating from Alex in the church catacombs.

For revenge, Josh takes Della (Alex’s daughter, and Josh’s half sister, we think, but we’ve also got a feeling she was switched at birth with best pal Jane, so that might not be true) to the catacombs and tries to attack her with his demon eyes, but ‘the goodness in her disarms him’.

Can’t wait.

It's great to love stuff