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On the ball

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News reaches us that Jordan will soon be bringing her unique brand of really big tits to Sky One’s football soap Dream Team.

Don’t worry about her acting talents being stretched too much, though – she’ll be playing herself.

DT has a proud history of high-profile celebrity cameos – past episodes have featured such notable guests as Amma from Big Brother, Richard Keyes from Sky Sports and Ron Atkinson.

By the way, is is just us or is DT about 500 times better than Footballers Wives? Our favourite characters are Tash, the goalkeeper’s wife who keeps accidentally sleeping with her husband’s team-mates, and receptionist Nicki, whose character development this season has included an exciting new fringe.

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internet, Uncategorized

Fame is fleeting

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Something’s been bugging us since we got our first glimpse of Scottish pop moppet Ainsley on Fame Academy. We just couldn’t shake the feeling that we’d seen him somewhere before. And then it came to us in a blinding flash – our Ains is a dead ringer for the lovely Ananova, the virtual newscaster who was launched with great fanfare a couple of years ago, but who has now fallen so far from grace that her green-frightwigged head no longer adorns her own homepage.

Let’s hope Ainsley’s career has a bit more longevity.

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TV

Duff stories on Casualty

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It might have been eclipsed in the fantastic-but-rubbish stakes by its younger sibling, Holby City, but we’ve still got a soft spot for Casualty.

But we’re definitely not impressed that Cathy Shipton, the much-put-upon Duffy, has been told to sling her hook, and is currently being written out in the most cringeworthy storyline ever created.

Are we seriously expected to believe that everyone’s favourite moaning-faced sister would jack in her profession on a whim to set up an online nappy delivery company with a dodgy security guard she’s just met?

And while I’m on the subject of crappy departures, have the writers forgotten that they used the ‘member of staff gets caught up with gangsters and ends up having to do a moonlight flit to avoid getting arrested’ as recently as last year?

I know both storylines still have a bit to run (we predict Duffy’s hubby-to-be will turn out to be a conman who hasn’t bought any nappies at all), but this is just rubbish!

Grrr.

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Here comes the satsuma

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Our heroine, Holby City‘s Chrissie Williams, has finally married hunky-but-boring doctor Owen, but not before trying to get off with the best man (good work).

We were pleased to note that Chrissie’s skin was did not register as being too orange on the Lowculture SatsumaScale™, but she still had a healthy glow about her.

Best line of the episode, though, went to Owen’s evil daughter, who told the blushing bride that she was “much fatter than my real mum”. Little witch!

Congratulations are due to the happy couple, then – and also to the Holby scriptwriters, who managed to go for a whole 60 minutes without including a scene where nurse Sandy bitches about someone who is standing nearby and hears every word.

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Welcome to Crossroads

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In the 80s, you knew a low-rent celeb’s career was over when they were reduced to appearing as a panelist on You Bet.

Now, we have a daily barometer of the fickle tastes of the nation – Crossroads (ITV1, 5pm).

After the triumph that was Emma Noble’s turn as a slutty gold-digger in the opening week, viewers last week were treated to former Coronation Street ‘star’ Scott Wright as some bloke who was trying to pass off his child as a boy, even though she was quite clearly a girl. Lionel Blair, Tim Brooke Taylor, Kate O’Mara and Linda Robson are also lined up to join in the fun.

But the best is yet to come – Dean Gaffney’s agent is confident that a one-week guest spot will be just the thing to launch his post-EastEnders career.

Who wants to put a fiver on Tracy Shaw checking in by the end of the year?

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TV

Eurotrash

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Fantastic news! You can now listen to all of the UK’s prospective Eurovision Song Contest entries at this BBC website.

Not-so-fantastic news! They’re all rubbish.

Except, possibly, Cry Baby, which is a half-decent Don’t Stop Movin’ rip off.

Rainy Day In Summer is a blatant Sugababes rip-off, too.

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lowculture.co.uk

Things we love today

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» Sister Chrissie Williams, Holby City’s very own slutty satsuma.
» Justin Timberlake causing a near-riot on CD:UK.
» Striker in The Sun getting his legs bitten off by a shark. Ouch!

2013 UPDATE: This was the first thing I ever published on lowculture. Looking back, I wish I’d done something a bit less rubbish. Oh well.

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