Al writes: I officially heart lowculture. A place where Lolcat speak is acceptable; a place where I can enjoy reading other people’s critiques of Hollyoaks, despite having not watched an episode in years; a place where you can question whether Sean from Same Difference is fit without fear of retribution; a place where Charlie Brooker is king.
Al, don’t worry, he’s definitely fit. You can ALWAYS trust lowculture about this sort of thing.
We’re delighted by the news that Tatu plan to get married if they win the Eurovision Song Contest (albeit slightly shocked that the British entrants, Jemini, have not made a similar pledge).
But the road up the aisle has been a rocky one for our favourite Russian ‘lesbians’.
“We were never faithful to each other. We also had lots of sex with boys.”
The couple plan to make the marital home in a former brothel, which seems strangely appropriate.
Incidentally, the TV moment of the week was on Wednesday’s Liquid News, which featured the following exchange :
Colin Paterson: What do you think of Tatu?
Pete Burns: Pair of silly bitches.
This week, lowculture acquired a review copy of the book version of S Club’s Seeing Double after winning a bout of unarmed combat with a colleague.
Needless to say, we’re delighted with our spoils, and have been dying to share it with you.
Our favourite bit so far is from page 19 (which, by an amazing coincidence, is also the first page it fell open on at random).
It goes:
Jon’s bedroom door banged open and he ran out, too. He waved a cricket bat in the air, his hair standing on end from sleep.
“Nobody move, I’ve got a weapon,” he yelled.
If you want to see Jon’s weapon on the big screen (and, frankly, who wouldn’t), get down to your local cinema and see the film – assuming you can get past the huge crowd demanding admission.
2013 UPDATE: Or just watch it on YouTube!
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Terrible news!
Lisa Harrison has left Lemonescent, Scotland’s self-styled ‘most successful girl group’.
Despite the band being at the height of their fame, with their most recent single, Help Me Mama reaching the coveted No.38 position in the charts, she’s jacked it all in for a solo career.
BUT! Lisa’s loss could be your tremendous gain, because they are looking for someone new to step effortlessly into her tartan mini skirt.
The replacement will, apparently, soon find herself in the studio working on songs for Lemonescent’s debut album.
2013 UPDATE: Well, who knows frankly!
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This just happened:
lowculture: Hello?
David out of Triple 8: Hello. It’s David from Triple 8.
lowculture: Oh, ok.
David out of Triple 8: Have you been visiting our website? Are you a fan? Or did you go there by mistake?
lowculture: (Joking) Well, by mistake, obviously…
David out of Triple 8: Oh, OK then, bye.
(Click).
2013 UPDATE: It was not by mistake, obviously…
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Amazing things about April 11
» Hoorah! It’s Whigfield’s 33rd birthday. Head for a provincial gay nightclub this weekend and do the Saturday Night dance in her honour. Sharing her big day is Jill Gascoine, from CATS Eyes and The Gentle Touch (66) and Delroy from Five Star (33).
» EastEnders began its slide into creative oblivion with the addition of a third weekly episode in 1994. As with all notable episodes of the show, it featured Frank Butcher either leaving or coming back, but we forget which it was now.
» This time three years ago, Westlife were comfortably perched atop the charts with Fool Again. Will they ever get there again?
» A year ago, Jonathan Wilkes (he’s Robbie’s best mate, you know) revealed that Robbie was looking for a serious girlfriend and would love to have someone to come home to every night. Someone who wasn’t Jonathan Wilkes, presumably (he was Robbie’s flatmate, you know).
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1. The first night was in the Press and Journal Arena in Aberdeen, which is just down the road from chez lowculture.
2. The students enter wearing Bacofoil clothes.
3. There are at least six people on stage that we have absolutely no memory of.
4. Ainsley lifts his shirt. What can this mean?
5. Tight-fisted Aberdonians buy far fewer glowsticks than people in other cities.
6. Ainslie is a bit funny-looking, but he would still totally get it.
7. Fireworks are good. If we pay £25, we expect to see lots of fireworks.
8. Can’t Get You Out Of My Head should be reserved for the exclusive use of Kylie.
9. Pippa is slightly opportunistic for releasing I Don’t Want To Miss A Thing in the middle of a war.
10. Pink, and not Marli, is properly equipped for getting parties started.
11. Nigel, Ashley and Chris are cringeworthy, tuneless and not-quite-as-sexy-as-he-thinks-he-is respectively.
12. It is our firm belief that Malachi was wearing slippers throughout.
13. We could not have loved Malachi and Sinead more if they had enjoyed full sex then got married, right there on the stage. Aaaw!
14. Ainslie and Marli might well have actually had full sex on stage during Come Up And See Me (Make Me Smile), but we’re not sure.
15. Ainslie does not walk, he slithers.
16. Lemar can sing, but that doesn’t stop him wearing stupid coats.
17. Appearing in a puff of smoke, a la Lemar, is officially a Good Thing.
18. Sinead is good, and pisses all over the other girls (not literally, of course).
19. We’ve seen the future, and it involves text message voting to decide which songs should be played in the second half (50p per minute plus network charges).
20. Ashley’s claim that literally ‘thousands’ of people had texted their votes was immediately contracted by the results which flashed up on the big screens, which proved it was more like literally ‘several’.
21. The bold Snedders looks like he fears he will be caught out and given £1.50 for his bus fare home at any minute.
22. Marti Pellow, Elton John and the common weasel are not the most obvious sources of inspiration for one of the nation’s top pop acts, but David pulls off this unlikely synthesis to form a new and useful whole.
23. You would not normally expect to encounter Irish murder ballads called Bad, Bad Butcher, about a murderous butcher who kills and eats his customers, during a TV talent show spin-off concert, but occasionally this can be exactly what happens.
24. U2 medleys can be either a very good thing or a very bad thing. Tonight, they were both. And neither.
25. Hoorah for Fame Academy.
Pete Waterman has just been Mel and Sue’s guest on RI:SE.
Things we have learned from his appearance:
» Pete would not have signed Tatu, but regrets not signing the Cheeky Girls.
» He owns a golden anorak.
» All his children have his eyes.
» Despite the protestations of his official website, he is no longer married to the nice lady out of Tight Fit.
» Rick Astley has indeed written the new One True Voice single. And the boys have now recorded around 14 tracks at PWL.
» Pete was offered every programme currently showing on TV in every country in the world, but turned them all down.
This week’s coverage of Reborn In The USA comes to you courtesy of an MSN chat we had with The Mighty Popjustice while the show was on. And this is what we said:
“i hope sonia does eminem”
“because she likes to gobble”
“it would be better if they bussed in the jerry springer audience”
“look at her arse!”
“look at her face!”
“nice tits, shame about the song”
“jumpin jaks is calling, tony!”
“he wouldn’t even get a job as the singer in a spandau ballet tribute band”
“GET YOUR COCK OUT HAYDON”
“they’re clapping…”
“…as badly as she’s singing”
“those nails!”
“if it’s motown, that means someone could do Shanice’s I Love Your Smile”
“it’s ozzy!”
“his sweetness would appear to be her weakness”
“too much spunk, perhaps”
“if she comes out with lockjaw, we will know the score”
“she’s lucky she hasn’t been pistol-whipped”
“smash hit? casanova?”
“he’s a whore and he loves it”
“dingdingdingdingding”
“i love the breezy coverage of alcoholism”
“’i'm out’ would have been more appropriate”
“IN YOUR FACE, LOWCULTURE!”
“booooooo!”
“agrhrgrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!”
Fantastic news! One True Voice are not splitting up. And it must be true, because Pete Waterman says so on his official website.
Q: Are ‘One True Voice’ splitting up?
A: No! We’ve no idea where these rumours came from, but the boys are currently working on material at PWL and gearing themselves up for a new single release. Look out for it early in the Spring.
But which spring, Pete, which spring? We clearly saw crocuses in bloom on the way home from work yesterday, but there were no One True Voice singles in Woolworths.
You might also be interested to know that, while Girls Aloud are wasting heaps of cash on hiring top writers and producers, One True Voice are taking a more frugal approach by going for the dream team of Pete, Pete’s son and Rick Astley, who have brought us such fantastic hits as Lauren Waterworth’s The Show and, erm, Sacred Trust.
2013 UPDATE: One True Voice split up.