Sweets

Eggstatic

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For many years, lowculture has been hoping for innovation in the Easter egg market.

Where, we wondered, were the Creme Egg offerings that were actually filled with creme, so you had to set about them with the aid of a spoon?

Well, we’re happy to report that something startling has happened this year.

There we were, innocently browsing through Sainsbury’s when we noticed a strange flash on the latest Maltesers eggs, promising New Crunchy Shell.

Closer inspection revealed that the shell actually has all bits of Malteser in it. Fan-fucking-tastic!

It gets better. The Fruit and Nut eggs have fruit. And nuts! The Crunchie eggs contain bits of Crunchie. And so on.

It was back down to earth with a bump, though, when we came to the official Blue egg. It doesn’t have little bits of Lee, Duncan, Simon or the other one mixed into it. It does have a rubbish plastic radio, but we know which we’d rather be getting stuck into on Easter morning.

TV

Russell Grant reveals hitherto-unknown love of sport

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Thanks to our mates at Popjustice for being far better at spotting low culture than we are.

They tipped us off about an ITV1 gem called Russell Grant’s Sporting Scandals, which was shown in some regions this afternoon.

“It’s about how there’s not enough sport in schools, or something, and not enough funding for sport,” our spy reports. “Not sure about your scandalometer, but that doesn’t rate very highly on mine.

“Tessa Sanderson was a guest. Russell started his first question: ‘Now Tessa, to a lot of people this could all seem rather boring’. Hmm… ”

We quite agree with Popjustice when they say that they love the irony of fat bastard Russell Grant saying “It’s not like in my day when you kept fit at school”.

And why did we miss this lowbrow gem? Because our local ITV company was treating us to the 357th showing of Frankie Howerd and Sid James in Carry On Up The Arse (or whatever it was called), so we couldn’t have watched it even if we wanted to.

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CalendarWatch

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It’s March, and we’ve just remembered to change the calendar.

Those of you who were with us last month will recall that it was Ben month on our A1 calendar. We bravely resisted the temptation to peek ahead to see who was next, and were gutted when we turned the page to see we would have to look at Mark for a full 30 days.

Desperate times call for desperate measures, so we have decided to call our reserve calendar into play.

As you can see, it’s a Six one that we got from our pal Shona, so it’s Kyle and Sinead for us now, which is much more agreeable.

Six were, of course, the winners of the Irish version of Popstars, and anyone who was hoping that they had quietly vanished will be disappointed to hear that their first UK single, After The Goldrush, will be out as soon as the band decide between competing versions produced by Chicane and DJ Sammy.

Not us, though, as we think they’re great, especially Let Me Be The One.

2013 UPDATE: After The Goldrush was never released, in either version. Sob!

Music

Marry me! Marry me! (But The Pants Stay On)

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When a recording artist wants to mark a significant anniversary in their showbiz career, they usually stage a celebratory tour or throw a lavish party.

Not Samantha Fox, though. She plans to mark her 20 years of tits by marrying her lesbian lover, Myra Stratton (or “marrying”, as the News of the World put it).

It had to happen, really. There comes a time in every born-again-Christian topless model’s life when she feels she must head to Hawaii to plight her troth to a nice lesbian lady with a sensible haircut.

“This is just the start of my comeback in Britain,” warns Sam, “and I feel better and sexier than ever.”

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Music

Jay Aston: Not Dead After All

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While some faded 80s postars are content to hare around the US on a bus with Davina McCall in hot pursuit, others are making their own unique way in life.

Former Bucks Fizz popstrel Jay Aston, for instance, has been hard at work on her new album, Alive and Well.

In her Fizz days, Jay was well known for having her skirt whipped off on stage, so it’s nice to see that old habits die hard – as our mini version of the sleeve shows, she’s had her skirt well and truly whipped off, with her modesty covered only by some Photoshop lens flare effects.

Here’s what Jay says on her fan club website about the first track, Pigs Are On The Cake:

“Depicted in the booklet as a picture of the Dome (as a cake with candles). One of the biggest wastes of public money ever. It is almost a political message loosely based on Marie Antoinette’s words “Let them eat cake” and the Dome being the best upgrade to the 21st century. Written from the perspective of a group of travellers living off the land in abject poverty. The narrator is describing her camp and their prospects. In the myth the soul of love is called Coyote “How are we going to keep Coyote dancing”.”

Quite.

It’s not available from any good record shops, but most should be able to order it in for you (Label: Angel Air, cat. no. SJPCD137.)

2013 UPDATE: Obviously there are no such things as record shops any more. Although Jay Aston is, happily, still alive and well.

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TV

Up above the streets and… etc, etc, etc

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We keep forgetting to mention The Salon, which is a shame, because it can be ridiculously entertaining.

Thursday’s programme was a particular treat, when the standard of celebrity clients was finally dragged above the level of Paul from A1.

Not very far above, admittedly, but progress is progress.

First to pitch up was Judi Shekoni, who has cleverly managed to fashion a whole career from a three-week guest spot in EastEnders. She was there for a cut with guest stylist Desmond, who told her that “every time I turn the TV on, you’re on it”. Assuming the only thing he ever watches is his tape of those half-dozen episodes of ‘Stenders, this could well be true.

Also in for the day was Geoffrey from Rainbow, who was having some much-needed beauty treatments, and some major work to his manky feet. We discovered that Geoffrey now keeps himself busy on his allotment, and that his favourite thing to grow is sweetcorn. The highlight of his visit was watching his repeated attempts to do the voice of Zippy – clearly forgetting that he did not actually provide the voice of Zippy and, by the sounds of things, will not be asked to take over any time soon.

Was that the sound of the bottom of a barrel being scraped?

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2013 UPDATE: I couldn’t find the episode mentioned above, but I’ve added episode 1 instead.

By the way, Zippy was actually given voice by the fantastic Roy Skelton, who also did George and the Daleks from Doctor Who.

TV

We don’t think so

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We’re not very happy with Holby City this week.

First of all, are we really expected to believe that cute young Ben would be torn between The Ugly One Who Used To Be In Corrie and The Even Uglier One Who Used To Be In Corrie? He should ditch them both and go out with someone more suitable.

Secondly, it’s looking likely that superbitch Chrissie is about to get her comeuppance for that whole shagging around behind her husband’s back thing. We don’t believe in comeuppance, especially where our beloved Chrissie is concerned.

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RIP Jason?

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So, it’s all over, and Jason’s brains (such as they are) lie splattered across the cold, cold ground.

Yes, Footballers Wives has reached a chaotic conclusion that’s left us panting (yes, panting) for more.

It was Jason and Tanya’s night as she plotted to humiliate him at their wedding vow renewal ceremony, he plotted to smother baby Paddy, she told him he was a lying scumbag and he gave her a good slap for her trouble. Love it, love it, love it.

And even though we all knew he was going to get punted off the roof at the end, it was still glorious to watch.

Quote of the night – Jason to agent Hazel: “You’re a filthy dyke. You’re sacked.”

Anyway, we would like you to enthrall us with your plot ideas for series three. Click on the comment link below and go nuts.

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TV

The Saviour of TV

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If we had our way, multiple Heather Locklears would star in every programme on TV.

Her ability to save ailing shows with her very presence is legendary (Melrose Place, Spin City and even Scrubs, which was already a big hit, have all benefited from her majestic presence).

The good news is that she’s finally been given a show that’s hers from day one. She’s set to star in a new sitcom called Once Around the Park, in which she will play a divorced mother whose offspring are engaged in weekly machinations to prevent their parents reuniting.

While lowculture is glad that she’s going to be back on the box, we can’t help but feel sad that she will no longer be free to pop across to the UK to save some of our more tired shows. We would pay good money to see her as a scheming sister in Holby City, Phil Mitchell’s love interest in EastEnders or, best of all, a Footballer’s Wife.

2013 UPDATE: This show was never heard of again. I think I might have just made it up.

TV

Foul please, Carol

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Not since the Eastenders Pat ‘n’ Peg slapfest have we heard such vicious bitching.

When Carol Vorderman launched her scathing attack on an “anorexic transvestite” and “carthorse in a bin liner”, lowculture thought she was in negotiations with Lily Savage and Lisa Riley to host a new ITV quiz show.

But no! In an amazing pot-kettle-black situation, Carol took time out from actively reducing cholesterol to lay into the dress sense of blunt fashion gurus Trinny Woodall and Susannah Constantine.

The girls had shown their usual nerve in describing Countdown’s constant consonant carrier as a librarian turned sex goddess who “feels the need to show off as much as possible”. When their evidence is backed up with reference to Carol’s revealing Bafta dress of a few years ago (shudder), who can argue?

Well, Carol can, apparently. Despite the fact the piercing pair have done for fashion what vodka does to cranberry juice, the brainy brunette turned the tables and slagged off Susannah’s generous bum and Trinny’s somewhat stingier bosoms.

Where next for Carol and her newly-sharpened claws? Telling Richard Whiteley that he looks like a twat in his colourful ties, or jibing contestants with a poor grasp of the five times table that not only are they simple, their knitted jumpers looked better on the sheep’s corpse?