All posts by Paul Lang

TV

The benchmark is set

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When you look out your window and see storm clouds gathering, it’s probably best to stay inside.

ITV obviously does not agree with this sentiment. When John Leslie, the original host of Surprise Wedding, had to be replaced after suffering minor personal problems, they chose to push on, ignoring the possibility that it was a sign from above that they were doing a bad, bad thing.

Replacement Mark Durden-Smith must have told the six desperate brides how brave they were about 500 times over the course of the show. And brave they were – if you were a commitment-phobic man whose girlfriend was determined to march you down the aisle, could there be a worse surprise waiting to greet you than the your beloved, in a wedding dress, standing on a nasty set with a grinning fool and a Scottish padre? No, we didn’t think so.

And yet! Call us romantic (or just stupid), but there was something strangely compelling about the whole affair – and we’re not just talking about the peculiar attraction of Jodie’s headgear.

It started well when, four minutes in, one of the brides threatened to kill herself if rejected. Co-host Amanda Lamb claimed that everyone was on tenderhooks (which we’re assuming are like tenterhooks, only softer), and we certainly were as the brides each gave a syrup-y piece to camera about their great love, all soft-focus and cheesy music.

One by one, each of the gormless blokes said ‘yes’, and our cold, cold heart was showing disturbing signs of warming up.

They blew it with the last couple, though. Sonia was the most eager bride and Mick the most reluctant groom, and you could almost believe it would all go horribly wrong when … the music stopped!

But no, Mick wasn’t having genuine second thoughts. This was a cynical, scripted attempt to keep the tension going for a few minutes more. The look on poor Sonia’s face told us that, as a piece of cold, casual cruelty, it was unsurpassed in reality TV history, and we wish it had ended some other way.

Also, does anyone else think that none of those people actually got married?

2013 UPDATE: An angry Jodie emailed us after this post went up to say that yes, they did actually get married, and they were very happy, thank you very much. WHICH IS LOVELY.

lowculture.co.uk

Whoah-oh-oh oh, on the radio

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Friend of lowculture Matt from bestworst is on the radio this morning. He promises “only the best pop, and trashy features”, so you won’t go wrong.

As we write, he’s playing the theme from Match of the Day, and it will be interesting to see how that pans out.

Anyway, click here for a listen. He’s only on until 12, though

2013 UPDATE: I subsequently went on a date with Matt. We saw Liberty X at G-A-Y. There was no second date.

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Music, TV

Frenchie letter

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Thank you, ITV2, for giving us the splendidly trashy American Idol.

In a lot of ways, it reminds us of a bad photocopy of Pop Idol – not bad, just slightly fuzzy.

We were disappointed that they skipped over the audition process in just two hours – watching people with no talent being humiliated on TV is one of our favourite pastimes, so a bit more of that would have been welcome.

Of course, Simon Cowell is in his element telling all the poor, deluded Americans that they’re tone deaf and dressed like a hooker, but we have some worries about his fellow judges. Randy Jackson’s OK, but we can’t even look at Paula Abdul without the spectre of the Vibeology video looming large in our mind.

Lots of the contestants have the very annoying ‘Mariah syndrome’ (why sing just one note when you can sing 15 just to show how clever you are?), but they’re all bright, perky and have nice teeth, so that’s OK.

Our favourite, though, is Frenchie Davis, a woman who may as well have ‘ball-busting diva’ stamped on her forehead. We hope she wins.

2013 UPDATE: She did not win.

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TV

All mixed up, it’s so confusing

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We touched briefly on the subject of the Alessi Twins from Neighbours, alias Gayle and Gillian Blakeney, about a week ago and, frankly, we’ve been able to think about little else since.

Where are they now? Are they bitter that their pop career was a miserable flop-o-rama? And does one of them still have a wonky mouth?

Sadly, we could find no trace of them after 1994, which was so long ago that lowculture was still a teenager.

Back then, they managed to bag themselves a guest spot in a dreadful US cop show called Silk Stalkings, which enjoyed a brief run on Sky One in the mid-90s (we watched it religiously during the Chris and Rita era, and were heartbroken when Chris was murdered so Rob Estes could go off to be in Melrose Place).

Anyway, they played a pair of ballerina-dancer twins (surprise!) who were involved in a dastardly murder plot. We’ve even dug up a picture of them in their leotards.

But since that, nothing. Can anyone shed any light on their activities?

2013 UPDATE: Still no sign.

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Music, TV

Geri good show

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Are you missing your weekly dose of La Halliwell now that Popstars: The Rivals is just a dim and distant memory?

Well, don’t fret, because Geri’s got another show in the pipeline.

Unlikely as it may seem, she’s been making kissy-faces with old pal Simon Fuller, and is about to become one of the coaches on 19′s latest US reality TV project.

In All American Girl, 15 unfortunates will be split into groups led by either our Geri or one of two other people we’ve never heard of. They will then be sent to a kind of beauty-queen boot camp where their athletic ability, mental agility, performance in the popular arts and beauty will be assessed.

The coaches will be responsible for reducing their groups to four and then three finalists before the obligatory telephone vote and lucrative contract for the winner.

We await the episode in which La H instructs the hopefuls in the art of raking around George Michael’s bins for cake with considerable interest.

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Uncategorized

Alien ladyboy shocker

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The sudden deluge of hermaphrodite babies on television has made us yearn for more innocent times.

That’s why were were so delighted to see that UK Gold had started repeating old episodes of Doctor Who from the Jon Pertwee years.

These stories, which date from the early 1970s, follow a fairly standard pattern in which the Doctor, stranded on earth by the Time Lords for being naughty, would team up with some army types to defeat alien invasions. All good, wholesome stuff.

Unfortunately, we then remembered a story called The Curse of Peladon, which featured a cowardly hermaphrodite monster with a squeaky voice named Alpha Centauri.

If that wasn’t shocking enough, when the actor playing this strange beast appeared on the studio floor in costume for the first time, the director realised that he/she was basically a dressed in a giant rubber phallus.

As you can see from the picture, even the last-minute addition of a fetching yellow cape could not disguise the awful truth.

So, on reflection, you should probably just stick with Footballers Wives after all.

2013 UPDATE: I’ve added a YouTube video tribute to Alpha Centauri to this post. I promise I didn’t make it myself, despite the fact that the soundtrack is Floorfiller by A*Teens.

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Music

Win Sybil

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All our talk of Sybil’s The Love I Lost yesterday has made us feel quite teary-eyed and nostalgic. In fact, we feel we should be doing more to keep the spirit of Sybil strong in the 21st century.

With this in mind, we’ve decided to give away a copy of her classic 1993 album, Good ‘n’ Ready, that we bought in Cash Converters ages ago and knew would come in handy one day.

This splendid item has been fetching sums as high as 25p on eBay, but we’re going to give it away to one lucky lowculture reader for free

For your chance to win, all you have to do is compose a poem or limerick in honour of Sybil herself (no slash fiction, please.)

Once you’re done, email it to sybil@lowculture.co.uk.

If your poem is the best (or possibly even if it’s the worst), you nab the loot. Closing date: Friday, February 14.

2013 UPDATE: Nobody ever won this prize. I still have the CD.

Music

We will never, no no never, lo-ove again

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Flicking through the local paper yesterday, we came across the top 10 from ten years ago this week.

We were horrified to realise that a whole decade has passed since the lovely Sybil was at No.2 with the mighty The Love I Lost.

To celebrate, we’re proud to present the original single cover, just for you. Seeing it again reminded us of how sorry we used to feel that whoever did the sleeves at PWL went to increasingly elaborate lengths to avoid showing too much of Syb’s face.

And was there some sort of rule that female solo artists with first names beginning with ‘S’ produced by Pete Waterman were not allowed to use their surnames? Mind you, Sybil Lynch, Sonia Evans and Sinitta Malone don’t have quite the same ring to them, do they?

If anyone knows where Sybil is now, please get in touch. If lowculture ever comes into money, we plan to buy her for our collection.

2013 UPDATE: It is now 20 years. Fucking hell. Sybil found this post after Googling herself and sent me a lovely email telling me what she had been up to, and I felt really bad for saying that bit about her face.

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