So, ‘hunky’ Kian from Westlife is dating Liz from Atomic Kitten.
This is terrible news, as it makes ‘Who’s the gay one?’ conversations a whole lot less interesting.
2013 UPDATE: It was Mark.
All posts by Paul Lang
Message to everyone on the Internet
It’s “should have”, not “should of”.
Thank you.
2013 UPDATE: I am still banging on about this, although mostly on Twitter these days.
It’s like a sickness, really
Crossroads. It’s got supremely bad acting, tacky sets and some of the worst storylines ever broadcast on television.
In fact, we can’t think of any reason why anyone would want to watch it at all.
Hasn’t stopped us tuning in to every single episode, though.
Jane Asher is superb as Generic Bitch (we love how she always kisses the old-fashioned way), and we can’t help but want to do bad things to Ryan and Jimmy, despite them being the worst sex symbols in the history of soap opera.
It’s poor Jane Gurnett we feel sorry for, though. The pain of her involvement in the whole enterprise seems to be etched on her face throughout every second she is on screen as Kate.
2013 UPDATE: I subsequently met Jane Gurnett at the Mamma Mia 10th anniversary party. I had drunk three pints of wine and she couldn’t get away from me quickly enough.
Hold the Holby
We would love to tell you what we think about last night’s Holby City. But, as Lowculture Towers is located in Scotland, we can’t, because our tartan version of the BBC thinks we should watch it on a Wednesday night, a whole 24 hours after the rest of the nation. Frankly, we’re breathless with anticipation.
This delay allows us to enjoy the dubious charms of River City, Scotland’s very own soap.
It’s the everyday story of the residents of Montego Street in Shieldinch, a fictional Glasgow suburb. As it’s set in Scotland, it features lots of people with ginger hair (they put Irn Bru in our water, you see), and also stars her out of Deacon Blue as the heroin-addict prodigal daughter of the main family.
It’s actually not quite as bad as it sounds, but nothing and no-one can come between us and our weekly appointment with Sister Kath, so we hate it. Official.
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Tales from the crypt
Bonkers late-night soap Night And Day is about to get really strange.
They had a hermaphrodite baby weeks before Footballers Wives, and they’re now set to unveil soap’s first undead character.
Cute-but-strange Josh, played by Seb Castang, is about to take a funny turn after getting a beating from Alex in the church catacombs.
For revenge, Josh takes Della (Alex’s daughter, and Josh’s half sister, we think, but we’ve also got a feeling she was switched at birth with best pal Jane, so that might not be true) to the catacombs and tries to attack her with his demon eyes, but ‘the goodness in her disarms him’.
Can’t wait.
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On the ball
News reaches us that Jordan will soon be bringing her unique brand of really big tits to Sky One’s football soap Dream Team.
Don’t worry about her acting talents being stretched too much, though – she’ll be playing herself.
DT has a proud history of high-profile celebrity cameos – past episodes have featured such notable guests as Amma from Big Brother, Richard Keyes from Sky Sports and Ron Atkinson.
By the way, is is just us or is DT about 500 times better than Footballers Wives? Our favourite characters are Tash, the goalkeeper’s wife who keeps accidentally sleeping with her husband’s team-mates, and receptionist Nicki, whose character development this season has included an exciting new fringe.
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Fame is fleeting
Something’s been bugging us since we got our first glimpse of Scottish pop moppet Ainsley on Fame Academy. We just couldn’t shake the feeling that we’d seen him somewhere before. And then it came to us in a blinding flash – our Ains is a dead ringer for the lovely Ananova, the virtual newscaster who was launched with great fanfare a couple of years ago, but who has now fallen so far from grace that her green-frightwigged head no longer adorns her own homepage.
Let’s hope Ainsley’s career has a bit more longevity.
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Duff stories on Casualty
It might have been eclipsed in the fantastic-but-rubbish stakes by its younger sibling, Holby City, but we’ve still got a soft spot for Casualty.
But we’re definitely not impressed that Cathy Shipton, the much-put-upon Duffy, has been told to sling her hook, and is currently being written out in the most cringeworthy storyline ever created.
Are we seriously expected to believe that everyone’s favourite moaning-faced sister would jack in her profession on a whim to set up an online nappy delivery company with a dodgy security guard she’s just met?
And while I’m on the subject of crappy departures, have the writers forgotten that they used the ‘member of staff gets caught up with gangsters and ends up having to do a moonlight flit to avoid getting arrested’ as recently as last year?
I know both storylines still have a bit to run (we predict Duffy’s hubby-to-be will turn out to be a conman who hasn’t bought any nappies at all), but this is just rubbish!
Grrr.
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Reasons we like Footballers Wives
- They play harmonica music so you know when it’s supposed to be sad.
- Gillian Taylforth.
- Gratuitous arse shots.
- Gripping, believable, well-acted storylines and high production values
(note: one of these is a lie)
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Here comes the satsuma
Our heroine, Holby City‘s Chrissie Williams, has finally married hunky-but-boring doctor Owen, but not before trying to get off with the best man (good work).
We were pleased to note that Chrissie’s skin was did not register as being too orange on the Lowculture SatsumaScale™, but she still had a healthy glow about her.
Best line of the episode, though, went to Owen’s evil daughter, who told the blushing bride that she was “much fatter than my real mum”. Little witch!
Congratulations are due to the happy couple, then – and also to the Holby scriptwriters, who managed to go for a whole 60 minutes without including a scene where nurse Sandy bitches about someone who is standing nearby and hears every word.
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