All posts by Paul Lang

TV

Man alive!

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Amazing things about April 10:

» Queer as Folk’s Charlie Hunnam, who enjoys the dubious distinction of being the first boy to have been depicted getting rimmed in a prime-time drama series, is 23 today. He shares his birthday with Gloria Hunniford, 63, who has, to the best of our knowledge, never been depicted getting rimmed on TV, prime time or otherwise.

» On this day in 1633, bananas went on sale in Britain for the first time. As this led, indirectly, to the creation of Bananarama, it’s definitely worth celebrating.

» In 1971, Jethro Tull played a concert in a cloud of tear gas after police fired cannisters into the audience. The worst things today’s audiences have to contend with are radioactive glowsticks and deadly clouds of spray-on body glitter.

» It’s the Scottish Newspaper of the Year awards in Glasgow’s Holiday Inn tonight. They’re obviously a total fucking travesty, though, as we work for a Scottish newspaper and have not been nominated in any of the categories.

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Well bugger me gently

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Amazing things about April 7:

» Lynne Perrie, alias Ivy Tilsley out of Corrie, is 72 today. No doubt she will be getting drunk and touching up young men to celebrate.

» It’s also Duncan from Blue’s birthday (he’s 24). As he is one for the laydeez, perhaps Ivy Tilsley could allow him a celebratory feel of her tits?

» It’s four years since Mr Oizo was a No.1 with Flat Beat, the Flat Eric song. Mr Who? Flat what exactly?

» Ellen DeGeneres became a lesbian on this day in 1997.

» On April 7 1979, the Three Degrees appeared on the pitch at West Bromwich Albion.

» Just a year ago, Pop Idol flop Hayley Evetts announced she had only just become aware of the extent of her fame. The rest of us are still waiting for a similar moment of clarity.

2013 UPDATE: Duncan from Blue, of course, turned out to be none for the laydeez.

TV

Oh, for fuck’s sake

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We’ve endured some unlikely soap storylines over the years to account for the pregnancies and maternity leave of female cast members (with the notable exception of EastEnders, when Cindy Beale was simply equipped with a Great Big Bag for four months).

But the one that’s coming up in Emmerdale to explain the absence of Sheree Murphy, alias Tricia Dingle, for six months takes the cake.

A Bollywood film crew is set to descend on the village, and Tricia gets a part as an extra. But – calamity! – the leading lady falls ill and an urgent replacement is required. The director decides Tricia fits the bill, and offers her job. But there’s one condition – she has to move to India for six months to film the rest of the scenes.

Will she feel guilty about leaving Marlon behind while she goes off on another extremely unlikely jaunt? Not likely.

Anyway, to recap: oh, for fuck’s sake.

Music, TV

25 things you never know about the Fame Academy tour (unless you were there too, in which case you probably do)

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1. The first night was in the Press and Journal Arena in Aberdeen, which is just down the road from chez lowculture.

2. The students enter wearing Bacofoil clothes.

3. There are at least six people on stage that we have absolutely no memory of.

4. Ainsley lifts his shirt. What can this mean?

5. Tight-fisted Aberdonians buy far fewer glowsticks than people in other cities.

6. Ainslie is a bit funny-looking, but he would still totally get it.

7. Fireworks are good. If we pay £25, we expect to see lots of fireworks.

8. Can’t Get You Out Of My Head should be reserved for the exclusive use of Kylie.

9. Pippa is slightly opportunistic for releasing I Don’t Want To Miss A Thing in the middle of a war.

10. Pink, and not Marli, is properly equipped for getting parties started.

11. Nigel, Ashley and Chris are cringeworthy, tuneless and not-quite-as-sexy-as-he-thinks-he-is respectively.

12. It is our firm belief that Malachi was wearing slippers throughout.

13. We could not have loved Malachi and Sinead more if they had enjoyed full sex then got married, right there on the stage. Aaaw!

14. Ainslie and Marli might well have actually had full sex on stage during Come Up And See Me (Make Me Smile), but we’re not sure.

15. Ainslie does not walk, he slithers.

16. Lemar can sing, but that doesn’t stop him wearing stupid coats.

17. Appearing in a puff of smoke, a la Lemar, is officially a Good Thing.

18. Sinead is good, and pisses all over the other girls (not literally, of course).

19. We’ve seen the future, and it involves text message voting to decide which songs should be played in the second half (50p per minute plus network charges).

20. Ashley’s claim that literally ‘thousands’ of people had texted their votes was immediately contracted by the results which flashed up on the big screens, which proved it was more like literally ‘several’.

21. The bold Snedders looks like he fears he will be caught out and given £1.50 for his bus fare home at any minute.

22. Marti Pellow, Elton John and the common weasel are not the most obvious sources of inspiration for one of the nation’s top pop acts, but David pulls off this unlikely synthesis to form a new and useful whole.

23. You would not normally expect to encounter Irish murder ballads called Bad, Bad Butcher, about a murderous butcher who kills and eats his customers, during a TV talent show spin-off concert, but occasionally this can be exactly what happens.

24. U2 medleys can be either a very good thing or a very bad thing. Tonight, they were both. And neither.

25. Hoorah for Fame Academy.

Music, TV

Waterman Latest

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Pete Waterman has just been Mel and Sue’s guest on RI:SE.

Things we have learned from his appearance:

» Pete would not have signed Tatu, but regrets not signing the Cheeky Girls.

» He owns a golden anorak.

» All his children have his eyes.

» Despite the protestations of his official website, he is no longer married to the nice lady out of Tight Fit.

» Rick Astley has indeed written the new One True Voice single. And the boys have now recorded around 14 tracks at PWL.

» Pete was offered every programme currently showing on TV in every country in the world, but turned them all down.

lowculture.co.uk, TV

Fete Worse Than Death

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Summer is fast approaching, and with the changing of the seasons will come a splendid* new lowculture feature – Fete Worse Than Death.

We will be compiling a not-very-comprehensive guide to the UK’s very worst celebrity public appearances, and we need your help. Will Su Pollard be manning a coconut shy at your village fete? Are the Cheeky Girls scheduled to cut the ribbon at a nearby branch of Somerfield? Will Gary Lucy be delighting patrons at your local nightspot (the answer to this is, invariably, yes)?

If so, we want to hear about it. E-mail us at this address.

(Coming at Christmas: Your Career’s Behind You – the lowculture panto page.)

* Feature may not actually be splendid.

2013 UPDATE: I didn’t bother doing this in the end.

Music, TV

Reborn in the USA: Fairly comprehensive coverage

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This week’s coverage of Reborn In The USA comes to you courtesy of an MSN chat we had with The Mighty Popjustice while the show was on. And this is what we said:

“i hope sonia does eminem”

“because she likes to gobble”

“it would be better if they bussed in the jerry springer audience”

“look at her arse!”

“look at her face!”

“nice tits, shame about the song”

“jumpin jaks is calling, tony!”

“he wouldn’t even get a job as the singer in a spandau ballet tribute band”

“GET YOUR COCK OUT HAYDON”

“they’re clapping…”

“…as badly as she’s singing”

“those nails!”

“if it’s motown, that means someone could do Shanice’s I Love Your Smile”

“it’s ozzy!”

“his sweetness would appear to be her weakness”

“too much spunk, perhaps”

“if she comes out with lockjaw, we will know the score”

“she’s lucky she hasn’t been pistol-whipped”

“smash hit? casanova?”

“he’s a whore and he loves it”

“dingdingdingdingding”

“i love the breezy coverage of alcoholism”

“’i'm out’ would have been more appropriate”

“IN YOUR FACE, LOWCULTURE!”

“booooooo!”

“agrhrgrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!”

Music, TV

Follow my heart, right up to the end

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Fantastic news! One True Voice are not splitting up. And it must be true, because Pete Waterman says so on his official website.

Q: Are ‘One True Voice’ splitting up?

A: No! We’ve no idea where these rumours came from, but the boys are currently working on material at PWL and gearing themselves up for a new single release. Look out for it early in the Spring.

But which spring, Pete, which spring? We clearly saw crocuses in bloom on the way home from work yesterday, but there were no One True Voice singles in Woolworths.

You might also be interested to know that, while Girls Aloud are wasting heaps of cash on hiring top writers and producers, One True Voice are taking a more frugal approach by going for the dream team of Pete, Pete’s son and Rick Astley, who have brought us such fantastic hits as Lauren Waterworth’s The Show and, erm, Sacred Trust.

2013 UPDATE: One True Voice split up.

TV

Thora Hird, 1911-2003

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Sadly, Dame Thora Hird has died at the age of 91.

The well-loved character actress will be remembered for her high culture triumphs, including her memorable appearance in an Alan Bennett Talking Heads monologue and the touching ITV drama Lost For Words, in which she played a stroke victim.

She also dabbled in the world of lowculture, with similar success. Many TV sitcoms in the 1980s were instantly forgettable, but we still have a soft spot for Thora’s turn as Captain Ridley in the Salvation Army sitcom Hallelujah – especially the opening sequence, which featured a cheerful Thora marching down the street with her pals from the Sally Army band.

We will also remember her for a long-running role in Last of the Summer Wine and, of course, her legendary stairlift adverts – the back pages of the Saturday newspapers will seem empty without them.

Dame Thora – we salute you.

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Countin’ every single minute

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Well, maybe not every SINGLE minute, but we are going to attempt a totally live, blow-by-blow account of Reborn In The USA.

Watch in horror and delight as it unfolds here over the next hour-and-a-bit…

20.59: Breathless with anticipation.

21.01: Titles. Getting excited now. Davina enters, pointing.

21.02: Yadda, yadda, yadda.

21.04: David Van Day pretends to feel sorry for Sonia. Retch. Therese looks worryingly like Christine Hamilton.

21.05: Leee John looks fetching in a beret. Gina feigns embarassment about her dress from last week.

21.07: Gina G is first. What will she be wearing? Erm, not very much. Sings first note out of tune. Good work.

21.08: Woman wearing hairnet nods approval. Davina inspects Gina’s arse to check she is wearing pants.

21.11: On the bus, Van Day says he is sorry Sonia has gone home, and laments about the ‘blip’ in his career. But! Sonia is lying in wait for them at their destination. Stick it up ‘em, Sonia!

21.14: She’s such a trooper! Dollar look like they’ve woken up in a bath of ice to find a kidney has been stolen when they realise what has happened.

21.15: It’s Haydon! Fwooorgh.

21.16: Haydon’s vest wins contest. Everyone else disqualified.

21.18: Sonia’s going to give Van Day a piece of her mind after the ads. Hoorah!

21.23: It’s Sonia’s husband! They’re sooooooo cute.

21.24: Dollar reveal ridiculous conspiracy theory about Sonia’s publicity-seeking ways.

21.25: Michelle Gayle’s in the kitchen on the bus. Memories of Hattie Tavernier come flooding back.

21.27: Temporarily blinded by Michelle Gayle’s teeth.

21.28: Backing singers completely drown out rest of song.

21.29: She was quite good, but any more and we would have fallen asleep.

21.30: Dollar are rehearsing. Van Day is fucking awful. He’s hitting all the wrong notes, then trying to blame it on Therese, who is actually right. Therese makes several pointed comments about how there are two of them, not just one. Perhaps she will stab him with a jagged shard of a shattered Mirror, Mirror 12″.

21.32: We don’t care about Peter Cox. Sorry. He sounds like he’s doing karaoke with a bad PA – which, we suppose, is not far off the mark.

21.36: Tony Hadley buys porno mags. Is the sight of Therese and Elkie first thing in the morning not enough to spur Little Tony into action?

21:38: Davina claims Elkie Brooks has had 15 hit albums. Can you name six of them? Or even one of them?

21.39: Elkie’s When Will I See You Again has got that ace 1970s piano backing track that we love. She can go through just for that.

21.41: Davina embarrases gay audience member by getting him to admit he fancies Peter.

21.46: Tony Hadley’s up now, singing If You Don’t Know Me By Now. He looks and sounds exactly like you remember him, and this is strangely comforting.

21.48: Davina’s shouting again. Make her stop. Leeeeeeeeee John is next, singing falsetto. Falsetto is dangerous. We wish he was wearing something more interesting – possibly some kind of pirate’s outfit.

21.51: The ‘talent’ are unhappy with their digs. David hears news from home that Sonia has been slagging off Dollar on her website. They call Sonia ‘desperate’. Pot. Kettle. Black.

21.55: Van Day: “Sonia thinks I’m a nasty piece of work. There’s no evidence to support that.” Well, actually…

21.57: Sonia is staying! We feel sorry for Dollar now. That’s how fickle we are.

21.58: And she’s about a million times better than last week. Go Sonia!

21.59: Sonia’s official website is now cheering when you log onto it! Not that they want to rub it in or anything …

22:03: Exciting developments! Sonia’s official site has leaked how the show ends. If you don’t want to know, stop reading NOW!

Right, for the rest of you: “In tonights thrilling and improved installment of ITV1′s ‘Reborn In the USA’, Sonia not only won the vote but came through the next singing contest leaving Elkie Brooks and Gina G to next weeks vote for Survival.”

22.05: Peter Cox gets the most votes. Pop is dead.

22.07: Well, that’s that. We’re sure Elkie and Gina won’t be slugging it out in the tabloids over the coming week, but you never know. Whatever happens, you know you’re going to read about it here.

22.14: PS – Mark Shaw is now talking about his time on the tour on The Salon. He is being interviewed by those nice but freaky twins.

2013 UPDATE: The Guardian TOTALLY stole that whole liveblog idea from me.