Summer is fast approaching, and with the changing of the seasons will come a splendid* new lowculture feature – Fete Worse Than Death.

We will be compiling a not-very-comprehensive guide to the UK’s very worst celebrity public appearances, and we need your help. Will Su Pollard be manning a coconut shy at your village fete? Are the Cheeky Girls scheduled to cut the ribbon at a nearby branch of Somerfield? Will Gary Lucy be delighting patrons at your local nightspot (the answer to this is, invariably, yes)?

If so, we want to hear about it. E-mail us at this address.

(Coming at Christmas: Your Career’s Behind You – the lowculture panto page.)

* Feature may not actually be splendid.

2013 UPDATE: I didn’t bother doing this in the end.