TV things you will only understand if you are Scottish

Video May 11, 2003 Paul Lang Leave a comment

1. Dotaman

In which Donnie Macleod would prance around in a manner quite unbecoming a man of his age. Think Timmy Mallet with a beard, talking Gaelic, and singing ludicrous songs of his own devising. Unbelievaby, this is still on!

2. Glen Michael’s Cartoon Cavalcade

Freaky Sunday afternoon treat that was on just before Scotsport which showed only the very worst cartoons the animiation industry had to offer. Glen was usually aided by a funny little dog called Rusty and an old oil lamp called Paladin, which could speak in the barely-disguised voice of Glen Michael, and was always slagging him off. It had the best theme tune of any programme ever, even when STV tried to jazz it up in the late 80s with a series of ill-advised remixes. And you could write in with your birthday dedications.

3. The Untied Shoelaces Show

Because we got our summer holidays slightly earlier than the rest of the UK, we used to get special holiday tv programmes, of which this was the most notable. It was presented by ‘Tiger’ Tim Stevens, and always had a really boring magician or something. It was a blessed relief when the repeats of the Pink Pather and Heidi kicked in around August.

4. Thingamijig

Jack McLaughlan. In a kilt. Every Friday night. Pretending to have a barn dance in the STV studios in Cowcaddens. Hoots!

5. Now You See It

Johnny Beattie presented this ridiculous gameshow, which somehow managed to last for nine years.

The next instalment

Video May 5, 2003 Neil Moir 1 Comment

Forget Neo in the Matrix with all his kung fu tomfoolery. Wolverine and his fancy claws? Pah! A ream of A4 and a bottle of correction fluid are all that’s needed by lowculture’s favourite movie figure of the year.

Yes – Angela Lansbury is reprising the role of crime-solving mystery writer Jessica Fletcher for a new (tv) film set in Ireland.

The Celtic Riddle, based on a novel by Canadian author Lyn Hamilton, sees the 77-year-old visit the fictional village of Ballymure to solve the murder of whoever’s been unfortunate enough to be wandering round within a mile’s radius of her this time.

Okay, so it’s not so much “Ireland” as a set created by Universal Studios in Los Angeles, but Murder, She Wrote has long since astounded us with authentic Emerald Isle influences. The convincing “Oirish” accent of Sheriff Amos Tupper (Tom Bosley), for instance.*

Angela told today how she finds the character of Jessica both entertaining and annoying – and hints she could soon be vying for a change of role.

“She’s terribly nosey, and I want to say ‘why don’t you mind you’re own business and let someone else figure this one out?’” she says.

“I’m shocked that people don’t realised that Jessica Fletcher is another figment of my imagination, and a different person than I am, and I really can play other roles.”

So, what would you like to see as Angela’s next acting challenge? We fancy her taking on the role of an evil cyborg in the next Terminator movie. Let us know what you think by clicking on the comment box below.

To find out more about her new tv film, being broadcast in America this week, visit the CBS site here.

* “Well, oi jist cahn’t oonderstahnd ett, Miss Fletcher. Er, de-diddly-i-de-deedle-de.”

Life, death and virginity fairies

May 3, 2003 Paul Lang Leave a comment

As usual, Night and Day was off it’s fucking head this week.

In case you didn’t watch it (which we think we can safely assume would account for most of you), here’s a brief summary of what happened:

» Many of the cast appeared in dual roles, as their characters and their respective virginity fairies.

» A main character was killed off by having the complete works of Shakespeare fall on his head.

» Two people tried to avoid each other for fear that they might accidentally commit incest. In reality, they had nothing to worry about, as one of them had been switched at birth.

Treats that are still to come include Jane going missing (again), more virginity fairies, and Natalie ending up in a mental institution. And, of course, the last-ever episode, which will probably be the most mental of the lot. We’ll keep you posted.

Music, TV

Happy event

May 3, 2003 Paul Lang Leave a comment

We’re delighted by the news that Tatu plan to get married if they win the Eurovision Song Contest (albeit slightly shocked that the British entrants, Jemini, have not made a similar pledge).

But the road up the aisle has been a rocky one for our favourite Russian ‘lesbians’.

“We were never faithful to each other. We also had lots of sex with boys.”

The couple plan to make the marital home in a former brothel, which seems strangely appropriate.

Incidentally, the TV moment of the week was on Wednesday’s Liquid News, which featured the following exchange :

Colin Paterson: What do you think of Tatu?

Pete Burns: Pair of silly bitches.

10 thoughts on the return of Dirty Den to EastEnders

Video May 3, 2003 Paul Lang Leave a comment

1. This could be really good.

2. On the other hand, it could also be really bad.

3. OK, we didn’t ever see a body, but …

4. Didn’t they later fish one out of the river? Which Sharon identified?

5. Mind you, if we remember correctly, she could only identify him by a ring he was wearing, so it could have been anyone.

6. Well, possibly not anyone, but you know what we mean.

7. The guy who plays the ‘new’ Den Jr must be feeling a bit insecure today – after all, they are hardly likely to need two.

8. There is every likelihood that an episode of EastEnders will end with a scene set at night with a shadowy figure stepping out into the path of Sharon Watts and saying ‘Hello, princess.’

9. The producers of EastEnders will now be kicking themselves for killing Angie off last year.

10. Roll on September.

2013 UPDATE: It was quite bad. But Sharon was very good.

S Club: misery upon misery

Video April 25, 2003 Paul Lang Leave a comment

We had only just managed to pick ourselves up and resume something close to a normal life following the shocking news of the impending S Club split when we suffered a major setback.

This came in the form of their farewell single, Say Goodbye, which is quite possibly the saddest song you will ever hear in your life. It was all we could do to stop ourselves rushing to the bathroom for the razor blades.

Our spies tell us that the video is even more depressing, so if you should chance upon it on TV this weekend, make sure you’re prepared to weep buckets (especially when Jo fades out right at the end).

lowculture.co.uk

Tales from the messageboard

April 24, 2003 Paul Lang Leave a comment

It’s going mental over at the messageboard.

If you’ve not been (and why they fuck not?), here’s some of what you’ve been missing:

» “I myself do like a good decapitation, the ones from Final Destination and the remake of The Haunting spring to mind. However, I think my current favourite is the lawyer getting sliced in half by the glass doors in 13 Ghosts.”

» “Hollyoaks should kill Mandy and end her troubled life.”

» “Lex Luther though. Grooming. Innit!”

» “Shouting, swearing and taking drugs. Maybe somone somewhere could have got them to stick some drama in. Going out in the street was more entertaining. ”

» “I love Lorraine Kelly like she is my mother, and adore her accent. I’d love her to be my cigarette hag and go out on the tiles with her, drinking lambrini with big fuck-off feather boas.”

Statistically:

» 45% of you don’t give a toss that Ben is dead in Holby City.

» 7% of you have a secret passion for Uncle Beano from Out Of This World

» 40% of you long for the return of the Alessi twins to Neighbours

Music

Seeing Double: The Novel

Video April 18, 2003 Paul Lang Leave a comment

This week, lowculture acquired a review copy of the book version of S Club’s Seeing Double after winning a bout of unarmed combat with a colleague.

Needless to say, we’re delighted with our spoils, and have been dying to share it with you.

Our favourite bit so far is from page 19 (which, by an amazing coincidence, is also the first page it fell open on at random).

It goes:

Jon’s bedroom door banged open and he ran out, too. He waved a cricket bat in the air, his hair standing on end from sleep.

“Nobody move, I’ve got a weapon,” he yelled.

If you want to see Jon’s weapon on the big screen (and, frankly, who wouldn’t), get down to your local cinema and see the film – assuming you can get past the huge crowd demanding admission.

2013 UPDATE: Or just watch it on YouTube!

Music

Help Us, Mama

Video April 17, 2003 Paul Lang Leave a comment

Terrible news!

Lisa Harrison has left Lemonescent, Scotland’s self-styled ‘most successful girl group’.

Despite the band being at the height of their fame, with their most recent single, Help Me Mama reaching the coveted No.38 position in the charts, she’s jacked it all in for a solo career.

BUT! Lisa’s loss could be your tremendous gain, because they are looking for someone new to step effortlessly into her tartan mini skirt.

The replacement will, apparently, soon find herself in the studio working on songs for Lemonescent’s debut album.

2013 UPDATE: Well, who knows frankly!

Music

Brrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrring!

Video April 15, 2003 Paul Lang 1 Comment

This just happened:

lowculture: Hello?

David out of Triple 8: Hello. It’s David from Triple 8.

lowculture: Oh, ok.

David out of Triple 8: Have you been visiting our website? Are you a fan? Or did you go there by mistake?

lowculture: (Joking) Well, by mistake, obviously…

David out of Triple 8: Oh, OK then, bye.

(Click).

2013 UPDATE: It was not by mistake, obviously…

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