All posts by Paul Lang

CalendarWatch

March 2, 2003 Paul Lang Leave a comment

It’s March, and we’ve just remembered to change the calendar.

Those of you who were with us last month will recall that it was Ben month on our A1 calendar. We bravely resisted the temptation to peek ahead to see who was next, and were gutted when we turned the page to see we would have to look at Mark for a full 30 days.

Desperate times call for desperate measures, so we have decided to call our reserve calendar into play.

As you can see, it’s a Six one that we got from our pal Shona, so it’s Kyle and Sinead for us now, which is much more agreeable.

Six were, of course, the winners of the Irish version of Popstars, and anyone who was hoping that they had quietly vanished will be disappointed to hear that their first UK single, After The Goldrush, will be out as soon as the band decide between competing versions produced by Chicane and DJ Sammy.

Not us, though, as we think they’re great, especially Let Me Be The One.

2013 UPDATE: After The Goldrush was never released, in either version. Sob!

Music

Marry me! Marry me! (But The Pants Stay On)

Video March 2, 2003 Paul Lang Leave a comment

When a recording artist wants to mark a significant anniversary in their showbiz career, they usually stage a celebratory tour or throw a lavish party.

Not Samantha Fox, though. She plans to mark her 20 years of tits by marrying her lesbian lover, Myra Stratton (or “marrying”, as the News of the World put it).

It had to happen, really. There comes a time in every born-again-Christian topless model’s life when she feels she must head to Hawaii to plight her troth to a nice lesbian lady with a sensible haircut.

“This is just the start of my comeback in Britain,” warns Sam, “and I feel better and sexier than ever.”

Music

Jay Aston: Not Dead After All

Video February 28, 2003 Paul Lang Leave a comment

While some faded 80s postars are content to hare around the US on a bus with Davina McCall in hot pursuit, others are making their own unique way in life.

Former Bucks Fizz popstrel Jay Aston, for instance, has been hard at work on her new album, Alive and Well.

In her Fizz days, Jay was well known for having her skirt whipped off on stage, so it’s nice to see that old habits die hard – as our mini version of the sleeve shows, she’s had her skirt well and truly whipped off, with her modesty covered only by some Photoshop lens flare effects.

Here’s what Jay says on her fan club website about the first track, Pigs Are On The Cake:

“Depicted in the booklet as a picture of the Dome (as a cake with candles). One of the biggest wastes of public money ever. It is almost a political message loosely based on Marie Antoinette’s words “Let them eat cake” and the Dome being the best upgrade to the 21st century. Written from the perspective of a group of travellers living off the land in abject poverty. The narrator is describing her camp and their prospects. In the myth the soul of love is called Coyote “How are we going to keep Coyote dancing”.”

Quite.

It’s not available from any good record shops, but most should be able to order it in for you (Label: Angel Air, cat. no. SJPCD137.)

2013 UPDATE: Obviously there are no such things as record shops any more. Although Jay Aston is, happily, still alive and well.

Up above the streets and… etc, etc, etc

Video February 28, 2003 Paul Lang Leave a comment

We keep forgetting to mention The Salon, which is a shame, because it can be ridiculously entertaining.

Thursday’s programme was a particular treat, when the standard of celebrity clients was finally dragged above the level of Paul from A1.

Not very far above, admittedly, but progress is progress.

First to pitch up was Judi Shekoni, who has cleverly managed to fashion a whole career from a three-week guest spot in EastEnders. She was there for a cut with guest stylist Desmond, who told her that “every time I turn the TV on, you’re on it”. Assuming the only thing he ever watches is his tape of those half-dozen episodes of ‘Stenders, this could well be true.

Also in for the day was Geoffrey from Rainbow, who was having some much-needed beauty treatments, and some major work to his manky feet. We discovered that Geoffrey now keeps himself busy on his allotment, and that his favourite thing to grow is sweetcorn. The highlight of his visit was watching his repeated attempts to do the voice of Zippy – clearly forgetting that he did not actually provide the voice of Zippy and, by the sounds of things, will not be asked to take over any time soon.

Was that the sound of the bottom of a barrel being scraped?

2013 UPDATE: I couldn’t find the episode mentioned above, but I’ve added episode 1 instead.

By the way, Zippy was actually given voice by the fantastic Roy Skelton, who also did George and the Daleks from Doctor Who.

We don’t think so

Video February 27, 2003 Paul Lang Leave a comment

We’re not very happy with Holby City this week.

First of all, are we really expected to believe that cute young Ben would be torn between The Ugly One Who Used To Be In Corrie and The Even Uglier One Who Used To Be In Corrie? He should ditch them both and go out with someone more suitable.

Secondly, it’s looking likely that superbitch Chrissie is about to get her comeuppance for that whole shagging around behind her husband’s back thing. We don’t believe in comeuppance, especially where our beloved Chrissie is concerned.

Uncategorized

RIP Jason?

Video February 27, 2003 Paul Lang Leave a comment

So, it’s all over, and Jason’s brains (such as they are) lie splattered across the cold, cold ground.

Yes, Footballers Wives has reached a chaotic conclusion that’s left us panting (yes, panting) for more.

It was Jason and Tanya’s night as she plotted to humiliate him at their wedding vow renewal ceremony, he plotted to smother baby Paddy, she told him he was a lying scumbag and he gave her a good slap for her trouble. Love it, love it, love it.

And even though we all knew he was going to get punted off the roof at the end, it was still glorious to watch.

Quote of the night – Jason to agent Hazel: “You’re a filthy dyke. You’re sacked.”

Anyway, we would like you to enthrall us with your plot ideas for series three. Click on the comment link below and go nuts.

The Saviour of TV

Video February 27, 2003 Paul Lang Leave a comment

If we had our way, multiple Heather Locklears would star in every programme on TV.

Her ability to save ailing shows with her very presence is legendary (Melrose Place, Spin City and even Scrubs, which was already a big hit, have all benefited from her majestic presence).

The good news is that she’s finally been given a show that’s hers from day one. She’s set to star in a new sitcom called Once Around the Park, in which she will play a divorced mother whose offspring are engaged in weekly machinations to prevent their parents reuniting.

While lowculture is glad that she’s going to be back on the box, we can’t help but feel sad that she will no longer be free to pop across to the UK to save some of our more tired shows. We would pay good money to see her as a scheming sister in Holby City, Phil Mitchell’s love interest in EastEnders or, best of all, a Footballer’s Wife.

2013 UPDATE: This show was never heard of again. I think I might have just made it up.

We wrote four different posts and only decided on this one at the very last minute, honest

Video February 25, 2003 Paul Lang Leave a comment

Monday’s Coronation Street double-whammy was every bit as fantastic as we had hoped, but there’s one little thing that’s bothering us.

The producers are adamant that they’ve filmed four possible endings to the Richard Hillman story.

Yeah, right. We get this load of old toss every single time there’s a major soap storyline in the offing, and after the episodes in question have been aired, the mysterious ‘other endings’ are never mentioned again.

If that fancy people carrier isn’t spashing into the Weatherfield canal come Monday, March 12, we’ll eat our hat (and to do that, we would actually have to go out and buy a hat).

Music

You love Snatch

Video February 24, 2003 Paul Lang Leave a comment

The lovely A*Teens have decided to release A Perfect Match as their next single.

Those of you who have been with us since the beginning will recall that this song features the classic line “You love Grease, baby, I love Snatch”.

If there’s a better example of the unfortunate things that can happen when people write songs in English when it isn’t their first language, we’ve yet to hear it. Of course, the ‘Teens are simply having an innocent discussion, in song, about their taste in films, but if you’ve got a filthy mind (which, obviously, we do), the words can have slightly different connotations.

In the event of a UK release, we look forward to hearing an Eminem-style radio version with the offending snatch references blanked out. We also await the video with interest.

Late-night culture shock

Video February 24, 2003 Paul Lang Leave a comment

It was 4am, and lowculture had stumbled home in a state of no small inebriation. In honour of National Chip Week, we were tucking into a polystyrene tray full of greasy goodness, and had decided to see if there was anything worth watching on TV.

After a bit of idle flicking through the channels, we were startled by some familiar music that could mean only one thing – Channel 5 were repeating Melrose Place!

Unfortunately, it was the rubbish first series, before Special Guest Star Heather Locklear made her first appearance as scheming supervixen Amanda and nutty Dr Kimberly tried to blow up the whole cast with a home-made bomb, but by that stage of the evening, we were prepared to take our kicks wherever we could get ‘em.

A nosey at the EPG revealed a further treat to come at 5.10am. Soothing brown titles. Mournful music. Rubbish sets. Yes, they were showing Sons and Daughters as well. Unforunately, we passed out long before it started.

lowculture

All posts by Paul Lang

CalendarWatch

Marry me! Marry me! (But The Pants Stay On)

Jay Aston: Not Dead After All

Up above the streets and… etc, etc, etc

We don’t think so

RIP Jason?

The Saviour of TV

We wrote four different posts and only decided on this one at the very last minute, honest

You love Snatch

Late-night culture shock

It's great to love stuff