lowculture

Fiver Life

2008-04-28T21:57:00.000+01:00

RELAUNCH! Fiver, formerly Five Life, all day

You'd be forgiven for not realising that Five Life was relaunching itself today. as, *cough* Fiver. We watch Five every day (well Neighbours anyway) and we haven't seen any trails whatsoever for the relaunch of its non-Five US offshoot channel. We're not exactly calling this the most successful rebranding/relaunching in history.

We assume the Fiver branding took something from the lead of UKTVG2's successful rebranding as Dave. But that channel succeeded less on the basis of its name and more because it had a very good promotional strategy. This channel? Notsomuch. (Interestingly, the 'brand consultants' behind the rebranding are called Dave. Coincidence?)

So what IS this Fiver business anyway? Well, the limited material we have seen on the Five website suggests that it's the network's answer to BBC Three, E4, and, er, ITV2. In other words, the younger, hipper, edgier channel of the Five family. In reality? It's Five Life under another, stupider name, with fewer episodes of House Doctor, How to be a Property Developer and the like, which is silly, because, other than Neighbours evening episodes, those were the only things we ever watched on Five Life.

Its relaunch kicks off with what it hopes will be two 'big hitters': the second series of Dirt and new show Celebrity Rehab. We really liked Dirt when series one started out. But then it got a bit floundering, we forgot it was on sometimes, and our relationship gradually drifted apart. At least they promoted series one. Again, not one trailer have we seen for this second series (and we still don't understand why this isn't shown on Five US). Celebrity Rehab is a fly-on-the-wall docusoap/reality thingy set in, well, rehab. We don't know who features in this, other than perpetual reality star, Brigitte Nielsen.

The problem with 'Fiver' as a relaunched 'yoof' brand is it lacks its own identity. It has nothing that is the equivalent of The Mighty Boosh, Gavin and Stacey, Skins or even Fat Men Can't Hunt. We know E4 doesn't have that many of its 'own' shows, either, but it at least gives more 'first-looks', not just of the imports, but of the home grown comedy and drama, too. It's worrying when the new networks biggest relaunch shows are those that would seem to be more at home on Five US and ITV2 respectively.

We want to give this channel a chance: after all, if nothing else, it shows lots of Home and Away and Neighbours, which keeps us happy, but so far: must try harder. Better programming and better promotion are needed if the channel is going to be 'a contender'. Let's hope they have something up their sleeves...

Blue Monday

2008-04-28T00:00:00.001+01:00

OZ! Out of the Blue, BBC One, 2.15pm

Although this was touted as the Beeb's Neighbours replacement when its arrival was announced some months back, it isn't quite filling the same slot. OK, it's taking the slot its fellow Aussie soap occupied for five minutes in 2008, but everyone knows that was never proper Neighbours time. This secheduling may well be a smart move. By only showing at 2.15pm, it is rather cannily allowing those watching Harold, Susan et al on Five to still come over and catch this new soap, too. And with a rumoured 135 episodes already commissioned, the Beeb appear to be confident that this will spread some daytime goodness.

The premise of the show is intriguing. It centres around a group of thirty-something pretty Aussies (so far, so Secret Life of Us) at a school reunion. However, very early on, a murder is committed, and the sunshine soapy feel of the show takes an altogether darker twist. We like the sound of this one and wish it well, even if we can't guarantee to remember to record it every day.

You may not recognise many of the younger cast: it doesn't have quite the high proportion of former Oz soap alumni we expect from such exports, but in the older cast, there is at least one gem: Maggie Dence, who played Dorothy Burke in Neighbours. If this keeps going, no doubt all the old faves who have run the gamut of roles in Neighbours, Home and Away, Prisoner Cell Block H, Heartbreak High, The Young Doctors, The Secret Life of Us, and The Flying Doctors will no doubt appear. First one to spot an actor who's done all the Aussie soaps and dramas gets a prize*.

*May not be a prize of any monetary worth.

Off the Pull

2008-04-27T09:40:00.003+01:00

FINALE! Pulling, BBC Three, 9.00pm

Sunday nights are about to get rubbish again. Gavin and Stacey ended last week, and, jumping into its 9.00pm slot for no good reason whatsoever other than to confuse viewers and possibly direct them towards the iPlayer or BBC Three's video wall when they tune in at 9.30 to find a repeat of Little Britain instead, is the final episode in series two of Pulling.

What with Cockloleeze, drunken food sex, *that* cat scene (which we can't imagine will make it into the BBC Two edit), cup-of-tea-no, drunken school sex and the wondrous Oleg, this series has been just as awesome as its predecessor.

Tonight opens upon someone taking a pregnancy test, and it's all fairly chaotic from there. Karen and Billy's ongoing trauma of a relationship comes back to the forefront, Donna is still trying to get over Karl's upcoming move to Italy and hooks up with a very scary bloke instead, and Louise goes on a date. Louise. On a date.

Wet kissing, STDs, internet stalking, 'he can have my honey', 'where's my juicy fruit', pints of wine, schoolchildren's paintings and pumpkin risotto all feature tonight. How, why and with who, we won't say.

We love the girls (and guys) of this show and we're going to miss them when they're gone. However, if there is a series three (and there MUST be a series three!), it better come around a bit quicker than this one did.

Keeping up with the Jones

2008-04-26T00:00:00.002+01:00

STRATAGEM! Doctor Who, BBC One, 6.20pm

This is a bit of a 'people returning' kind of series of Doctor Who. We've already seen Donna, Wilf, The Ood and (briefly) Rose make their comebacks, and tonight sees three more very welcome returns.

In 'The Sontaran Stratagem', the first of a two-parter, Dame Martha Jones is BACK! We are very happy about this. We love Martha, and we love Donna and so Martha and Donna in one episode makes us very very excited indeed. And if Martha is back, then that must also mean UNIT are back. UNIT have only been mentioned briefly in New Who, although they had a slightly larger mention when Martha popped up in Torchwood last series. For the uninitiated, UNIT stands for UNified Intelligence Taskforce (formerly United Nations...) and it's a military organisation that used to involve all kinds of Who recurring characters, such as The Brigadier, and the one and only Sarah Jane Smith. Martha is now working there, and UNIT play a large role in this two-parter as old adversaries of the Doctor's return to threaten the earth.

Those adversaries are the Sontarans. Mainly seen in the 70s, and a little bit in the 80s, these 'potato-headed' villains have a penchant for war and also for cloning. Hmmmmm. The chief Sontaran in this two-parter is played by former Young Ones actor Christopher Ryan. However, we know the big casting news for some of you is the appearance of Christian Cooke as someone called Ross Jenkins.

This fourth series of New Who has been a joy so far, we've loved speculating what might happen in the future, we've loved Wilf and Sylvia (in tonight's episode as well), we've loved the aliens and we've very much loved Donna. We can only hope tonight's episode keeps up the good work - from the trailers we've seen (and yes, this is the episode with Martha in slime that caused the filthmongers of the internet to suggest she'd been involved in a deviant sexual practice beginning with B, the pervs) it looks like it will...

Press Ganged

2008-04-25T09:20:00.004+01:00

LITERARY! Stephen Fry and the Gutenberg Press, BBc Two, 9.00pm

Stephen Fry and the Gutenberg Press may seem a slightly unusual lowculture billing, but bear with us (also: there is nothing else worth watching tonight that we haven't already previewed recently). It was first shown as part of BBC Four's Medieval season, but because it has Sir Stephen in it, it has made the leap to prime-time BBC Two.

This documentary follows Fry as he explores the origins of the Gutenberg printing press. In search of the man behind it, Gutenberg, he travels across Europe. He also gets involved with craftspeople, explores different printing techniques and is no doubt jolly fascinated by the whole thing.

So what is it about it that should make you watch? Well, Stephen Fry is always worth an hour of your time for starters. And if we didn't have the Gutenberg press, we wouldn't have books and newspapers and magazines, and if we didn't have those things, then all the LC-ers who work in libraries, academia, journalism and graphic design would be out of a job - and worst of all, we'd almost certainly have no internet. You owe Mr Gutenberg and his printing press a great deal of thanks, you know.

Search for the Heroes

2008-04-24T07:33:00.002+01:00

SUPER! Heroes, BBC2, 9.00pm

The wait is over, and season two of Heroes is finally here! Of course, it would perhaps have been slightly more eagerly anticipated if it weren't for the general chatter, spread primarily through the internet before progressing to the mainstream news media, that season two, curtailed by the writers' strike, was Not Very Good. (Warning: for those of you who are determined to not find anything out about the show before you watch it, there are some very tiny spoilers in the next two paragraphs.)

We are, perhaps, in the fortunate position of being total fanboys and therefore inclined to look at the show more favourably. However, we genuinely didn't think season two was that bad. A bit disappointing, yes, but not actively bad. For all that the Hiro in ancient Japan storyline is interminably boring, for all that some new characters are worse than useless (be prepared for Maya and Alejandroooooooooooooo), for all that Claire kind of turns into a massive unsympathetic bitch, for all that Adrian Pasdar's lovely face is temporarily obscured by a beard far more terrifying than Sylar ever was, there are still things to look forward to in season two.

Like what, you might ask? Well, new character Monica kicks all kinds of ass (although she doesn't turn up until episode four, but she's worth the wait). Kristen Bell of Veronica Mars fame is also awesome as unsavoury new character Elle, Angela Petrelli is still the fiercest character on television anywhere, and Peter Petrelli has lost the emo fringe and spends a considerable amount of the first three or so episodes with his shirt off. So don't be disheartened; while it gets off to a slow start, it does eventually build into some compelling storylines, and there are lots of pretty boys (or girls, if you're that way inclined) to look at in the meantime. Hooray!

Rock out with your cock out

2008-04-23T07:10:00.001+01:00

ENDS! Rock Rivals, ITV1, 9.00pm

Ah, but the passage of time makes fools of us all sometimes. We vividly remember writing our very first preview for Rock Rivals, all giddy with the intoxication that only a new piece of high-camp television can bring, convinced that this was the start of something big. But perhaps our excitement prevented us from seeing things clearly: while we saw a fun, entertaining piece of stylised nonsense with some tatty corners but clear potential, what the general public saw was obviously something far different, if the freefalling ratings are anything to go by.

Admittedly, it didn't get everything right: the send-up of reality talent shows could, and probably should, have gone much further (although it's possible that such shows are already so far down the road to self-parody that no one else could ever really do it justice), not all of the things that made us laugh were necessarily intended by the producers, some of the dialogue was embarrassingly clunky, and the whole husband-and-wife-at-war thing put everyone off their pudding by making them think things about Simon Cowell and Sharon Osbourne that no sane person should ever have to think.

And yet we'll miss it when it's gone (and we'll assume it isn't coming back, given its lamentable failure to latch on to an acceptable chunk of the viewing audience). The sad thing is that one of the coolest twists of the show - that we got to vote on the outcome and whether Luke or Bethany wins the show-within-the-show - becomes disappointingly irrelevant in light of the widespread public indifference to the show at large - although presumably this means we're spared the show's winner releasing a real single as was initially ~~threatened~~ proposed. Oh well. Cheerio, Rock Rivals. We'll file you under "brilliant but unloved" with so many of our other favourite shows.

Crime of fashion

2008-04-22T07:30:00.001+01:00

CLOTHING! Blood, Sweat and T-Shirts, BBC Three, 9.00pm

We've had a lot of fun with BBC Three's factual entertainment efforts in our time, from the occasion where some of the competitors from Fat Men Can't Hunt invaded the messageboard, to that slightly queasy feeling we got from Kill It Cook It Eat It, right up to the time when the lovely Dawn Porter did a no holds barred report on childbirth and every woman we knew vowed she was having a Caesarian when her time came.

So, with excellent pedigree like that, we feel fairly confident in recommending Blood, Sweat and T-Shirts, which proceeds to take the generally acknowledged yet oft ignored fact that a great many of the clothes for sale on the high street are made in developing countries in appalling condition for a pittance, and forces a bunch of self-confessed fashion addicts to face up to some home truths as they see how the other half lives by going to the sweatshops. It's not a million miles from Wife Swap, but more ideology-based. And with fewer wives, obviously.

The sneak preview clips (available here) give us a good idea of the kick up the philosophical bottom that's in store, but sadly does not give any guarantees that the people taking part will be spoilt obnoxious hipsters who will cry a lot. We can but hope, though. It's not nearly as much fun otherwise.

Shrink Rapped

2008-04-21T22:07:00.003+01:00

The second series of Shrink Rap has arrived with very little fanfare. Perhaps that's because of the controversy caused by the one-off special with Chris Langham a few months ago.

For those who haven't come across this series before, clinical psychologist Pamela Connolly (aka Pamela Stephenson, wife of Billy Connolly and formerly of Not the Nine O'Clock News and other such comedy programmes) spends time talking to a clebrity and unpicking some of the life experiences that made them who they are. It may sound a bit X Factor but it has a more serious bent - reflected by the guests that choose to appear.

This second series perhaps doesn't quite have the calibre of guests as the first (which featured Stephen Fry, Sarah Ferguson, Robin Williams, David Blunkett amongst others), but they include some very intriguing prospects such as Kathleen Turner and Salman Rushdie (plus Gene Simmons and Tony Curtis, perhaps less exciting). Tonight's guest is probably the one for lowculture viewers to catch though, as Pamela Connolly meets Joan Rivers.

We love Joan's wit, but it will be very interesting to see how the more 'serious' side of her comes across. As all the guests, she has a fair amount of TRUE LIFE TRAUMA to discuss, but we imagine it will probably be more enlightening and moving than one of those 'boo-hoo books' you see everywhere (which were so effectively owned in last night's Gavin and Stacey.

Just rewards

2008-04-20T11:56:00.006+01:00

TROPHIES! The British Academy Television Awards, BBC One, 8.00pm

Yes, it's that time again, the British Academy Television Awards. We know the film BAFTAs were a little underwhelming, but tonight is the more lowculture friendly ceremony anyway.

With LC favourites such as Harry Hill's TV Burp, Peep Show, Gavin and Stacey, Boy A, Cranford, Life on Mars, Secret Life, Coming Down The Mountain, Skins, Rome, The Street, Stricly Come Dancing, The Apprentice, Never Mind the Buzzcocks, QI, EastEnders and Holby City there are very few categories in which we would quibble with any of the choices. Except perhaps if Benidorm wins best sitcom. Be warned, though, the whole thing lasts a whopping three hours...

BABIES! Gavin and Stacey, BBC Three, 9.00pm

Speaking of award-winning shows, the second series of Gavin and Stacey concludes tonight as Gavin and Stacey face the question of whether to live in Essex, Barry or break up and Nessa goes into labour.

Other than a couple of slightly saggy episodes in the middle, this series has maintained the quality of the first. It's been warm, engaging and very funny. As one review we read said, it's a show where there are no baddies, where you are rooting for all the characters.

This finale ticks all the boxes (well mostly, there are still some elements left unresolved by the end - but that's what third series are for) - laughter, sadness, awkwardness, loveliness and Bryn's musical taste. The cast are outstanding tonight, and if James Corden, Ruth Jones, Matthew Horne and Joanna Page don't move you to a little sniffle by the end, then you are a cold, cold person indeed.

Double Trouble

2008-04-19T13:33:00.004+01:00

COUPLES! All Star Mr and Mrs, ITV1, 7.05pm

We know most of you are busy watching I'd Do Anything at this time on a Saturday, but in the interests of fair play, we thought we'd mention the offering on 'the other side'.

ITV's latest addition to the Saturday evening schedule is a revamped version of 70s and 80s favourite, Mr and Mrs. Now you may wonder why this merits a full series, rather than just being another part of retro-games-fest Gameshow Marathon and so are we, but let's not get too far down the line of ITV scheduling as wearestill smarting over the Pushing Daisies debacle.

Anyway, the premise of this show is to test how well couples know each other (we vaguely remember liking this in the 80s but our main recollection is the bit where one partner puts on the headphones whilst the other answers questions. We're sure there is more to it than that, though.

Being the 21st Century and all, couples no longer have to be married to go on this show, which makes the title something of a misnomer. They may even let some of those pesky gays on to show how ultra-contemporary they are (but then again it's ITV so they probably won't). Tonight's "star" couples include Joe Calzaghe and, er, Mrs Joe Calzaghe; Bill Roahce and Mrs Bill Roache, and Lembit Opik and Gabriella Imira.

We are fully aware of the pitfalls of recommending this programme. We know it might be terrible. But Fern and Phil are presenting, and we love them, so it can't all be bad. Can it?

Baby, I Swear it's Deja Vu

2008-04-18T00:19:00.003+01:00

REPETITIVE! The soaps, various channels and times

We've noticed something rather annoying in soapland lately - they are all reusing each other's plots. Now we know this is common practice but we're far more used to them recycling their own (yes Hollyoaks with your incest, Neighbours with your infertility=baby, EastEnders with your sleazy teenage girl/dirty old man affairs). Anyway, here's your guide to the current soap plots, and where you may have seen them before...

Emmerdale currently has Laurel's potential babies-switched-at-birth storyline going on (with a DR MARSHALL, which was the name of the resident awesome all-powerful Neighbours doctor who came inbetween Clive Gibbons and Karl Kennedy), the like of which you may remember cropping up last year in both Neighbours and Coronation Street, the soap currently vying with EastEnders over which child of a controlling parent is the most batshit crazy - David Platt or Steven Beale?

Neighbours is currently being rocked by the SCANDALOUS teacher/pupil affair between Rachel and Angus. You may remember this plotline from such stories as, err Libby and Taj in Neighbours, Becca and Justin in Hollyoaks, Emma and, er, Craig McLachlan's character, in Home and Away and Michelle and Geoff in EastEnders (what do you mean storylines from the early '90s about university lecturers and mature students don't count?).

Home and Away is currently thieving from its Aussie neighbour in not-one-but-two-count-em storylines. Firstly, they have a very boring journo story with Belle, mimicking Neighbours' very boring journo story with Elle. (And Riley. And its previous ones with Scott and Libby and umpteen others). The other robbed story involves physio Sam giving a fatal injection to Johnny, in a sort-of-echo of Erinsborough's amazing FakeDoc story last year (and FakeDoc herself has rocked up in Summer Bay recently as another character. Coincidence? I think not?). Will Sam join the current line-up of soap characters perhaps getting away with murder? Hollyoaks' Warren looks set to join that elusive club, which also includes Paul Robinson from, yes, you guessed it, Neighbours.

And a mini-spoiler for next week's Coronation Street (skip to the next paragraph to avoid): according to my TV guide, 'Paul heads to the Police Station. Will he confess to the arson attack?' which, word for word, could be a summary of a Neighbours storyline not so long ago. They didn't even bother changing the character name.

Talking of not changing the character name, EastEnders has completely lifted the character and storylines of Clare from Hollyoaks and placed then in Albert Square. Let's hope she also gets to strut around in a red coat, cheat death in a red coat and fly away, head held high, in a red coat. Hollyoaks has also been attempting the soap-geek makeover (seen everywhere, but most famously in Plain-Jane-superbrain from Neighbours) on Elliot, with mixed results so far, it has to be said.

Even last night's rubbish 'Sean pretends Gus has eaten his dog. LOL!!11!!' story in EastEnders has echoes of the time Neighbours attempted to go multicultural with the Lim family and Julie Martin thought they, too, had eaten a dog.

Oh, and think The Archers is immune to all this? Think again. It's just had a rape trial, and we all know rape is the fall-back storyline option in Hollyoaks...

Two's company

2008-04-17T00:05:00.005+01:00

SERIOUS! Looking for Dad, BBC Two, 9.00pm
FRIVOLOUS! The Graham Norton Show, BBC Two, 7.00pm

We thought we'd just take a moment today to celebrate BBC Two. We like all the telly channels in the world, generally (except, at the moment, ITV1 and their refusal to show the full series of Pushing Daisies but we're sure we'll get over it in time), but there's something quite special about BBC Two and the way it has perhaps the most diverse programming line-up of all the channels right now, yet pretty much all its shows manage to feel at home there. No mean feat.

Tonight is a perfect example of the diversity of the channel. At 7.00pm, we have a one-off documentary, Looking for Dad. Let's overlook the fact that the title was used for a Channel 4 documentary a few years ago and accentuate the positive: it's a journey of filmmaker Charlie Russell and his brother to try and find out something about their estranged father (WHO IS DEAD. Ahem. Sorry). They use clues from his flat, meet his friends and family and try to discover who he really was. It's an unusual choice for this timeslot, and if you're bored of the drugs and incest shenanigans in Hollyoaks and the never-ending wedding saga in EastEnders, this may be worth a shot. It will almost certainly have more heart.

On the opposite end of the spectrum is the return of The Graham Norton Show. Although it is essentially So Graham Norton with fewer vibrator jokes, it still works as a format - partly because Graham can still be funny when he wants to be (the interludes in the group songs in I'd Do Anything not so much), but mainly because most of his guests are good sports who are up for a laugh and thus there tends to be a great rapport between Norton, the guests, the audience and the assorted strange people on the phone or internet. We much prefer this show in short, weekly runs like this to the nightly, years-long marathon that was V Graham Norton, too. Tonight's guests are Tony Curtis, Kevin Bacon and Robyn. How eclectic. How very BBC Two.

Let's hear it for the boys

2008-04-16T08:23:00.002+01:00

GAYS! Desperate Housewives, Channel 4, 10.00pm

Despite being a prime contender for the gayest show on television (it's a three-horse race between this, Ugly Betty and Strictly Come Dancing, as far as we can tell), it's taken a surprisingly long time for any actual bummers to turn up on Wisteria Lane. There was Andrew, of course, but he seems to have been neutered ever since he got that personality transplant in the middle of season three. So it is with open arms that we welcome Bob and Lee, the first Desperate Househusbands, to the neighbourhood.

Susan's thrilled that her life has suddenly upgraded from CBS to Showtime, and wastes absolutely no time in running over to greet her new neighbours, proceeding to make an ass of herself in the way that only Susan can. Her initial attempts at claiming the role of Wisteria Lane's first fag hag fall flat after she mistakenly infers the presence of a third party in the relationship ("yes," mocks Lee. "We're gay Mormons.") and attempts to pass off shop-bought cookies as her own hand-baked goods. When these tactics fail to impress, she resorts to dognapping to get the new boys on side. We'd say it makes sense when you see it in context, but let's be realistic: this is Susan. Of course it doesn't.

Elsewhere, there's a delightful scene involving Edie's gynaecologist (the way he breaks the news to her that she has crabs is inspired), Orson does tricks on a scooter down Wisteria Lane, and Katherine's aunt Lilian returns home to die, and is played by one of our favourite actresses for any part involving an old lady serving as a plot point, Ellen Geer. The only downside to tonight's episode is a Tom/Lynette subplot which makes Tom look like a complete jerk, but at least he takes his shirt off. We're not made of stone, you know.

Frank 'n' sense

2008-04-15T00:25:00.002+01:00

BIRTH! Shameless, Channel 4, 10.00pm

This series of Shameless has been a marathon rather than a sprint, though we're not about to say it isn't an excellent thing to see British dramas being commissioned for longer-running series like wot they do in America. Audience reaction to this series has been a little varied, with some thinking it's a series too far, others thinking that it's still a great show, just not the same great show it started out as, and still others thinking that it's been fucking great since day one, and if anyone disagrees I'LL FUCKIN' 'AVE YER. Sorry. Came over a bit Chatsworth there. Our opinion? We want more of Mickey and his "fook-shia" stretch limo. Just look at his little face up there! Bless.

We finish at a suitably climactic time for the first family of Chatsworth as a minor earthquake causes Frank to fall off his barstool and into a coma, and causes Monica's waters to break. Cue mayhem as Monica is determined to hold the baby in until Frank's by her side, and Debbie's determined not to let her know that Frank is unconscious in hospital. And while Frank and Monica have never been the most likeable characters in the history of television, this episode gives them both a chance to be a bit heartwarming; Monica's heart-to-heart with Ian is one of the best scenes of the whole series.

Meanwhile, we get a peek at the terrifying workings of Frank's mind while he's dead to the world, including Ian as a ladychasing wideboy, Debbie in a fat suit, Norma apparently dressed up for drag cabaret and a brilliant almost-return from the much-missed Sheila, though we won't spoil precisely how that presents itself...

China in their hands

2008-04-14T01:10:00.005+01:00

RUNWAY! America's Next Top Model, Living, 9.00pm

What an odd cycle of America's Next Top Model this has been, what with Tyra's insistence on making everything green-friendly, the plus-size girl who really didn't look plus-size, the elimination of Heather, who many presumed would win the whole thing, in fifth place, then the elimination of house bitch Bianca before the final, leaving us in the unfamiliar position of being stank-free for the finale. Oh, and Saleisha's makeover. Nothing beats that for oddness: let's take a pleasant-looking if unremarkable girl and give her a pudding bowl haircut, assuring her all the while that it's high fashion when really she looks like a cross between a Beatle and Bob the Builder.

Nonetheless, we have our final three for this cycle in the form of Chantal, Saleisha and Jenah. And as we said right back when we previewed the first episode, we called the winner right from the very beginning, purely based on our understanding of how the show works after sitting through all eight damn "cycles". But assuming there are any of you out there who have managed to get this far while remaining unspoiled (and seriously, if you have: kudos, because we're beginning to think it's not humanly possible), we're not going to tell you who it is. Although we will admit that we don't always read this show as well as we think we can, because another of the girls in the top two is one we wrote off as fodder in the early stages. It just goes to show that Tyra likes to throw a curveball as much as the next person. A fierce curveball though, obviously.

This being the final, the hurdles that remain to be jumped are rather predictable: the three remaining girls have to film an ad for CoverGirl, so best wrap your brain up in some sturdy insulation lest you be hypnotised into believing that you too are in serious need of a peach-flavoured Wetslick. Following that there'll be one final elimination, and the top two girls will have a walk-off in a typically fake-looking runway show - this year with the added bonus of one girl accidentally knocking over a poor unfortunate Chinese extra on stilts. But who will it be, and will it cost her the win? We can barely contain ourselves, in much the same way that Tyra's dresses can often barely contain her.

Oh, and if you think this cycle was ass-crazy? Wait until cycle ten. Seriously.

Shedding Skins

2008-04-14T00:02:00.002+01:00

OVER! Skins, E4, 10.00pm

So now we know that tonight's Skins series two finale is not just goodbye to the gang for another year, or even just goodbye to Chris. No, this is goodbye to everyone except Effy and maybe some of her random friends that pop up every now and then, as the people behind the show have decided that they are changing the cast every two years because it's a show that 'represents being 16-18'. Which would be fair enough if it bore any resemblance whatsoever to being 16-18, but anyway. Maybe we're just pissy because our lives were never this exciting or glamorous when we were young.

Whether this decision turns out to be a masterstroke that ensures the show's longevity, or its death knell remains to be seen, but for now there are lots of questions we hope they'll answer before sending the current crop of characters off into the big wide world. Questions such as: 'why was Cassie in New York last week?', 'what will Jal do with the baby?', 'will Tony and Michelle be a couple again?', 'will Maxxie get his top off again?' and 'will Anwar actually get any lines?'

This series overall has been darker, smarter, funnier and deeper than its predecessor, although at times it has been too self-aware and some of the storylines and characters have occasionally teetered into the territory of just being a little bit annoying. As with series one, they have also sometimes skimmed over certain so-called main characters, which is a shame. These are minor qualms, but we hope the writers address these tendencies before the new series, or else it could run the risk of just becoming self-parody.

Anyway, we're sure tonight's episode will be something of a tear-jerker as the gang attend Chris' funeral, receive their A-Level results and make plans for the future. Whatever happens to Skins from here on in, it has launched some excellent young actors, created a very strong brand identity and re-established the teen drama as something acceptable to like for even the most highbrow of viewers (not that we ever had a problem with teen drama, mind).

Goodbye, then Chris, Cassie, Jal, Tony, Maxxie, Michelle, Anwar and Sid (and Posh Kenneth, Abigail and Sketch). We'll miss you...

(Ship)Wrecked for Success

2008-04-13T10:57:00.004+01:00

CAST AWAY! Shipwrecked, Channel 4, 11.55am

Your Sunday lie-in has just gotten longer, with the return of Shipwrecked. As with the previous two series, it's going to run for months and each episode is going to be hours long. Today's opener is just over 90 minutes, plus a secondary show that lasts 35 minutes. That's over two hours of your day watching this show. Every week. To be fair, you probably spend even longer than that watching the Come Dine With Me omnibus on a Sunday afternoon anyway, so it shouldn't be too taxing.

For those that aren't familiar with the show, two teams of young and beautiful people spend weeks on end stranded on two desert islands. Each island has its own team, The Tigers or The Sharks, and they spend the coming weeks trying to recruit other members to their gang. The team with the most members at the end of the weeks wins. And, err, that's pretty much it. Although there's always the chance of them getting 'possessed' like LC forum user and Shipwrecked alumnus, Rory.

However, despite the tasks the teams take on being minimal, despite them repeatedly having arguments about rice, getting together and breaking up and the continued shouts of 'sharrrrrks' and 'tiiiigerrrs' and despite it going on FOREVER it still manages to be entertaining. We're not saying this has anything to do with the fact that they are all always barely clothed. But it might be.

Anna Friel, like I just got home, Anna Friel...*

2008-04-12T14:00:00.002+01:00

BRIGHT! Pushing Daisies, ITV1, 9.00pm

It's not what you think; I haven't found a way to post from the future. Not yet, anyway; it's just that I'm going to be away on Saturday, and I thought I could justify giving a little bit more airtime than usual to Pushing Daisies, given that it's one of ITV's most high-profile launches in ages.

Of course, Gossip Girl had a massive advertising push and it didn't really translate into bringing in the viewers in their millions, so it's very daring of ITV to push ahead with Pushing Daisies, which is arguably not even close to your typical ITV show, on a primetime slot on Saturday night no less. (I note with interest that it's directly after the series opener of Britain's Got Talent, so at least it stands to inherit a healthy audience, as long as it can hold onto it.) It's especially bold considering this is a show that's bound to be polarising: you'll either be charmed by its limitless sense of whimsy and innocence, or you'll be nauseated by all the pastel shades and the self-conscious tweeness.

Thankfully I'm in the former camp: I found the pilot episode enthralling. The show is utterly divorced from reality in every possible way, but it actually makes an asset of this - there's a sense that genuinely anything could happen on this show. For those of you unfamiliar with the extremely high concept: Piemaker Ned has an unusual gift, in that his touch can bring the dead back to life. But this gift has its limitations - if he touches that person again, they die permanently this time, and if he doesn't return the body to a dead state within a specified period of time, someone else dies in their place.

Ned's working in conjunction with a private eye, interrogating murder victims to collect the reward money, when he finds that one of the victims is his childhood sweetheart Chuck (short for Charlotte Charles, in case you were wondering). Having revived her, he finds he can't bring himself to let her die again - but this means any potential for romance with them is doomed, because one touch from Ned will kill Chuck forever.

That's what made the show work for me - that undercurrent of darkness that belies the kitsch visual style and the apple-pie sweetness. The show's cast is great too: Lee Pace is adorably awkward as Ned, Anna Friel captures Chuck's playfulness superbly and with a flawless American accent to boot, Kristen Chenoweth plays Olive Snook, the waitress with a doomed crush on Ned, Ellen Greene and Swoosie Kurtz play Chuck's oddball aunts (there's a fantastic visual gag involving Aunt Lily's missing eye, by the way) and my favourite character is Emerson Cod, the aforementioned shady PI, played by Chi McBride.

It's not going to be to everyone's taste, but I strongly recommend you give it a go. Just keep a pair of sunglasses next to the remote control, just in case a migraine kicks in.

*This joke is approximately eight years old, but I still couldn't resist using it. Sorry.

Seacrest and sighs

2008-04-11T07:40:00.001+01:00

CHARITY! American Idol, ITV2, 9.00 & 11.00pm

It seemed like an odd idea last year: for a show like American Idol that's always felt to be unashamedly about generating extra sources of revenue for record companies to suddenly develop a conscience - especially after foisting Taylor Hicks on an unsuspecting universe the year before - and devote an entire programme to raising money for charity felt weird, somehow. As though we were constantly expecting Ryan Seacrest to announce the whole thing had been an elaborate wind-up and all the donations were going to fund Clive Davis's next annual bonus instead. But no, they raised over $70 million to help fight poverty, and the whole thing was such a success, they're going to do it again this year, and make it bigger. Ah, now that feels like American Idol.

While the whole thing might sound like a rather cringe-worthy effort, there's enough corporate muscle behind the whole thing to pull in some seriously A-list stars, including the likes of Brad Pitt, Mariah Carey and Bono (it was inevitable that he'd turn up, wasn't it?), alongside some slightly less amazing but still bankable stars like Fergie, Celine Dion, Vanessa Hudgens and Miley Cyrus (who, we're sure, was just bein' Miley), as well as Idol alumni such as Fantasia, Elliott Yamin, DAUGHTRY!!11!, and Carrie Underwood.

Last night, the Idols sang "inspirational songs" to gain public support (and really, David Archuleta, 'Angels' inspires us to do a lot of things, none of them good) and following the charity event, there's the inevitable results show. Last year the overwhelming sense of charity so touched the heart of the Idol producers that they decided they couldn't possibly have an elimination on charity night - but will they pull that trick again this year? Or will they decide that the truly charitable thing is to put one of this year's contestants out of their misery and send them home? Either way, we'll find out later.

A recipe for success

2008-04-10T08:03:00.009+01:00

COOKING! Celebrity Come Dine With Me, Channel 4, 8.00pm

It's the moment we've all been waiting for (to clarify, by "we all", we mean "everyone who's unwittingly lost an entire Sunday afternoon watching the omnibus of the daytime edition on More4"): Come Dine With Me has achieved the Holy Grail of daytime television and secured itself a primetime slot. To say that we're excited by this prospect is a bit like saying David Platt is ever so slightly unstable.

If you're one of the unfortunate sorts who's yet to experience the show in all its glory, we'll explain the format for you, though please be aware that you really can't capture the brilliance of this series with the written word alone: a group of strangers from the same town are united for a series of dinner parties with each of them taking it in turns to play host, while being scored by the others out of ten, with the highest-scoring host of the week taking home �1000 for their trouble. But that's really only half the fun: the best parts are the bits where they get to snoop around each others' houses and judge people according to their material possessions, and some of the utterly insane cooking techniques and recipes (fruit coulis made by mixing jam and hot water?), as well as the people with severely skewed ideas of how to host a party, such as leaving people standing on the doorstep in the cold for daring to arrive five minutes early.

Admittedly the celebrities lined up for this edition are not exactly what you'd call A-list, but there's definite potential for hilarity here: It Girl Tamara Beckwith, pop star Lynsey de Paul, musician and owner of the UK's best publicised relationship downgrade MC Harvey, and one quarter of G4, Jonathan Ansell (just four contestants rather than five, the better to squeeze into the tiny 60 minute timeslot). We have no idea what's on any of the menus, but we wouldn't be surprised to see any of them whip out the classic ice-cream topped with crushed Maltesers dish, frankly.

Ready Steady G(T)O

2008-04-09T09:40:00.004+01:00

SINITTA! Ready Steady Cook, BBC Two, 4.30pm

We haven't watched Ready Steady Cook for years. We kind of lost interest in it when Fern left and all the famous chefs followed her, and they changed the bloody format / we were working full-time and couldn't watch it any more (delete as you feel applicable).

But we felt we ought to point out today's episode to you, because Sinitta is on it. That's right, Sinitta.

Arrange your excuses to leave work early today now.

Re: construction

2008-04-09T07:43:00.003+01:00

BEENY! Property Ladder, Channel 4, 8.00pm

We've been hurt far too many times before, and we're not going to let it happen again: Channel 4 may be crowing about its new series of Property Ladder (and fair's fair, the house-that-Jack-built themed trailer is very cute), but our defences are well and truly up this time. We're not going to have our hearts stolen by promises of how it will all be different this time, how they truly respect us, how they only want to make us happy, only for it to end up the same way it always does: a handful of genuinely new episodes before the rest of the series is padded out with barely-concealed repeats with five minutes worth of previously unseen material tacked on to the end, leaving us with the sinking feeling that we've been led up the garden path. Again. Sigh.

It's not that we don't enjoy any opportunity to watch this show, of course - it's just that sometimes we wonder if we wouldn't rather hang on until there's enough material to make up a whole new series, even if it means that new series come around less often. After all, if we want to watch repeats, we can just flick over to More 4 and watch a whole row of them in one go - and at least then we're prepared to watch a repeat, rather than tuning in bright-eyed in the hope of seeing all new development fuckups, only to realise five minutes in that we've seen this one before. That way we'd really be able to get excited about a new series again, rather than thinking "oh, how nice. It's back again after about a three week absence."

However, we're not going to let this sudden attack of curmudgeonliness stand in the way of what is still good news: brand new episodes of Property Ladder, however small the quantity. There are few joys in this world greater than witnessing Sarah Beeny smile through clenched teeth as she listens to yet another prospective developer's hair-brained scheme about how ripping out the kitchen and replacing it with a home cinema system will raise the market value by 15%. And let's not forget the drinking game, where you take a swig every time Sarah's voiceover says "but I'm not so sure that's a good idea", and hope you can still stand by the time 9pm rolls around. God bless you, Dame Sarah, and your formidable bosom. As ever, you have the patience of a saint.

Boogie Woogie - Live!

2008-04-08T09:11:00.005+01:00

MUSIC! Later... Live, BBC Two, 10.00pm

We are officially our grandparents. Because we are at that stage of life where very few things are not like they were in 'our day'. And one of those things that was very much better in our day was music television.

When we were whippersnappers, there was Top of The Pops, The Chart Show, The Tube and later The White Room, as well as music on all kinds of other shows, not least Saturday morning kids' TV, which is now also defunct. Oh, and David Hunter will no doubt tell us that in his day you also had Ready, Steady Go and The Old Grey Whistle Test. In this decade pop on mainstream TV is mostly limited to a song during talent show results programmes and the rather ace busking bit on The Culture Show.

So thank heavens for Later... for being one of the last bastions of music telly on the 'proper' channels. OK, it isn't the kind of programme that is going to help children form their music taste, nor is it ever going to promote the shiny pop so many of you are fond of. But it's something.

When we heard about Later... Live we assumed it was a spin-off that would run at different times of the year to the main show. But, er, it isn't. It's actually live performances whilst Friday's show is recording. So on Fridays you'll get to see all this and more because that show is longer. So we're not entirely sure of the point of this one. OK, it has the thrill factor that something kerrazy might happen live, and there is the advantage of it being on a Tuesday and in an earlier slot than the Friday show. But essentially, it's the same beast.

We think it's kind of a missed opportunity when there is obviously scope for more music on TV. Why not commission a new show altogether, or as we thought was the plan, run this at separate times of the year to normal Later? Oh well, as has been well documented on this site, no-one ever listens to our opinion (except the people behing Neighbours). Tonight's stars include Dawn Kinnard, Yeasayer, Glenn Hansard and Marketa Irglova, Natty (pictured), The Kooks, and LC faves Goldfrapp. We are ashamed to admit we've only heard of two of those acts - but admit it, so have most of you...

The geek shall inherit the earth

2008-04-07T08:27:00.003+01:00

NERD! Chuck, Virgin 1, 10.00pm

You may have noticed us going on extensively about how much we were looking forward to this one in our preview of Reaper a few months ago. They both have the same jumping off point, in that they focus on amiable slackers suddenly being thrust into death-defying scenarios on a weekly basis, but from there they head in different directions: Reaper is a sci-fi/fantasy comedy, whereas Chuck is more of an espionage drama with chuckles thrown in. Alias with more humour and less brain-melting complexity, if you like. And also minus the wigs, to our great regret.

The main plot thrust of the show reminds us a little bit of our much-missed Jake 2.0, in that Chuck is a charming nerd who gets thrust into a world he's entirely unfamiliar with after he accidentally reads an e-mail from his old friend-slash-adversary Bryce, since it turns out the e-mail was filled with top secret government information that somehow is directly transferred into his brain. Obviously this makes him a target for all kinds of ne'er-do-wells who want access to what lurks in his head, but since Chuck is hapless and not trained in self-defence, he's assigned help in the form of comely CIA agent Sarah Walker, who's in charge of making sure he doesn't carp it - at least not until they've worked out how to get all the information out of his brain again.

It sounds generic, and in a lot of ways it is, but it's a pretty charming show nonetheless. Those of you who, like us, were glued to the ABC1 channel before it got put out to pasture will probably recognise lead actor Zachary Levi from his stint on not-especially-funny Sara Rue vehicle Less Than Perfect (he was also in Big Momma's House 2, but let's not hold that against him), and his chemistry with co-star Yvonne Strahovski crackles nicely in the pilot. But our favourite part of the show, one that we hope gets more screentime in later episodes since his time in the pilot was tragically limited, is Chuck's sister's boyfriend, Captain Awesome. We'd explain why, but the name pretty much sums it up.