Wednesday, August 31, 2005

The waw-uh in Mah-jork-ah don't taste like wha' it oughtah

MIAOW! My Fair Kerry, ITV1, 9.00pm
Hmm. Are you looking at this and thinking that, like the editors of The X Factor, we're reusing old material in a different context and just hoping that you won't notice? Well, you're sort of halfway there. We did originally preview this well over a month ago - 7 July, in fact - when it was originally scheduled to air, but for obvious reasons it was pulled from the schedules and replaced by running news. For less obvious reasons, it's only just found its way back into the listings, but better late than never, say we. Knowing that there is a virtually insatiable appetite amongst the public for lifestyle-makeover TV shows (for your consideration, we submit It's Me Or The Dog at 8pm on Channel 4 tonight, followed by Supernanny, and A Week Of Dressing Dangerously on BBC2), this must have sounded like something of a winner to ITV: in true Faking It style, former Atomic Kitten and Mrs Bryian McFadden Kerry Katona will attempt to pass herself off as a high-society princess. She's ably assisted by Count Carl-Philip Clam, who accommodates her in his fairytale castle in Austria (dude, is he gay or something? Seriously) for an intensive course in how to be a laydee. Presumably Emily Howard was unavailable to meet teaching commitments on this one. Of course, there will be a test at the end to see how successful the tuition has been, and Kerry has to know her caviar from her foie gras at a lavish aristocrat dinner. Let's just hope that the aristocrats who are trying to rumble her don't read Hello, watch Loose Women or I'm A Celebrity, Get Me Out Of Here! or listen to early Atomic Kitten records. We're just sayin', is all.

By Steve :: Post link :: ::  
0 pop-up comments :: Discuss on messageboard

Playing the Trump card

FIGHTING! The Apprentice USA, BBC Three, 9.00pm (repeated on BBC Two at 11.20pm)
The level of contempt shared by all of the contestants on season two of The Apprentice USA has been simmering away for several weeks now. It all began when poor, poor Stacie J spooked the other members of Apex by messing around with a magic 8-ball (we're still not sure how that made her certifiably insane, but then we're reluctant to take anything that one of the women says seriously) and the women of Apex scapegoated her for their repeated failure to win any of their tasks. She was fired, and then Jennifer C became the root of all their problems. She was fired, and then...well, you just repeat and add Elizabeth/Pamela/Stacy R to your heart's content. Suffice to say, the women don't really like each other a hell of a lot. Things started off better on the men's team, but now that's starting to crumble as well, with young Andy's resentment over the team's refusal to take him seriously, Kevin's repeated trips to the Boardroom beginning to wear on him, and we're willing to bet that a few people will be angry that Kelly is exempt from dismissal this week after he rode Sandy the professional bridal salon owner to victory in last week's bridal salon management task. And from what we're told, it all starts to kick off tonight. The task this week is the creation of a promotional catalogue for Levi's, and Mosaic is subjected to infighting between Wes, Maria and Sandy. Over on the not-so-good ship Apex, Jennifer M and Ivana continue their grudge match, and we never thought we'd say this, but we're actually hoping Ivana wins that, because Jennifer M has become a hideous, finger-pointing, blame-shifting, accusatory harpy in recent weeks, and has quickly eradicated all of our early-days love for her. If the prospect of so much bitching isn't enough for you, we're promised a Very Special Boardroom. Not like the "very special" episodes of The Fresh Prince Of Bel Air that taught us a lesson about drink-driving, but very special in the sense that we're promised something very out of the ordinary will happen. All the while, we'll be holding our head in our hands and wondering why all these morons are still here long after the lovely (and capable) Pamela was sacked.

By Steve :: Post link :: ::  
0 pop-up comments :: Discuss on messageboard

Tuesday, August 30, 2005

Ding-ding-dong!

HOLIDAY! CELEBRATE! Wakey Wakey Campers, Channel 4, 9.00pm
We didn't just arbitrarily decide to make Su Pollard an icon of lowculture, you know. She fought tooth and nail for it, working her way up through the showbiz ladder and putting in thousands of stellar performances on classic British sitcoms like Oh, Doctor Beeching! and You Rang, M'Lord? However, the role that will stick with us forever was her turn as wannabe yellowcoat Peggy in Hi-De-Hi!, and it was clearly a deep and meaningful love for Su Pollard that inspired this new show from Channel 4. In the same vein as shows like That'll Teach 'Em and Brat Camp, it ships off a bunch of people to an environment they wouldn't normally step within flan-flinging distance of if there weren't the promise of temporary celeb mediocrity, and films them under the guise of "social experiment"; in this case, they're all being sent to a breezy 1960s-style holiday camp, complete with perma-grinned entertainers, mandatory games and competitions, and forced jollity of all varieties. It's not exactly an Ibiza foam party, let's put it that way (and you can tell just how past it lowculture is by the fact that an Ibiza foam party is our most modern frame of holiday reference). Unsurprisingly, it doesn't turn out to be as much fun as it looked (rather like that time we took a Saturday job in Gap, assuming that it must be a nice place to work because the staff always looked so cheerful - big mistake) and there is a level of fracas before very long. You can just imagine, though, that Monica from Friends would be in her absolute element here - not only are there ample opportunities to show off to complete strangers, but all of the fun is firmly controlled by rules.

By Steve :: Post link :: ::  
0 pop-up comments :: Discuss on messageboard

This time it's personal

FILM CHOICE! Speed 2: Cruise Control, ITV2, 9.00pm
We normally try to avoid including films in our selection of daily highlights here on lowculture, partially because recommending films doesn't fall entirely within our remit (although by all means have a discussion about them on our messageboards), and partially because there's normally so much of interest on telly that it looks like a cop-out to point out good films. However, we're changing our minds in this case, and again our reasons are twofold: in the first instance, there really is a shocking lack of good stuff to recommend for you to watch (incidentally, if you know something great that we've not spotted, don't just sit on it, comment and let us know!) in this late-summer lull before the Autumn season starts, and in the second instance, this film fulfils all of the criteria for being a lowculture classic film because not only is it a sequel (a sequel with a "2" on the end and a weak subtitle to boot), but we're reliably informed (thanks to having avoided it thus far) that it really is all kinds of shit. After surviving a battle with Dennis Hopper's big, bus bound bomb in the first outing, Sandra Bullock books herself a nice cruise to get over it all. Because what better way to forget your near-miss experience of almost being blown to bits on a hijacked bus than to book yourself some more time on mass transportation that won't be easy to evacuate in a hurry? And with shaven-headed Keanu out of the picture, she hooks up with Jason Patric (fighting all the way with the ship's decking for the award of most wooden performance) only to find herself in a severe déjà vu situation. Lather, rinse, repeat.

By Steve :: Post link :: ::  
2 pop-up comments :: Discuss on messageboard

Friday, August 26, 2005

Perfectly rubbish

Have you heard the news? HAVE YOU? Yes, the Queen of lowculture, Heather Locklear, has finally broken free of the confines of the small screen, and is looming large in cinemas up and down the UK even as you read this.
In any other circumstances, this would be a cause for great rejoicing. But, if you've ever wondered if there were any depths which even we would not plumb in our search for the lowest common denominator, wonder no more. It is our sad duty to pronounce THE PERFECT MAN the worst film in the history of the entire world – including BC. And we don't mean worst in the Grease 2 sense of the world. This film is such a proper turkey that team lowculture left the cinema fully expecting to see snow lying on the ground, reindeer flying through the sky and harrassed men panic-buying in Argos.
The rather unlikely premise of the film is that Heather Locklear cannot get a date. It is left to Hilary Duff, playing her daughter, to concoct a ridiculous and vaguely sinister plot to convince her she has a secret admirer by sending flowers and chatting her up on MSN.
It's presumably supposed to be some sort of a comedy, but the only laughs we heard during the whole sorry affair were snorts of derision at each unlikely and increasingly-creepy plot development. And the first scene features Heather Locklear baking a cake, which is just a fucking disgrace whichever way you look at it.
Avoid!

By Paul :: Post link :: ::  
1 pop-up comments :: Discuss on messageboard

Thursday, August 25, 2005

The last laugh

ENDING! Extras & The Catherine Tate Show, BBC Two, from 9.00pm
Is it just us, or are Thursday nights going to feel a bit barren from now on? For the past six weeks we've known that Thursday is Big Comedy Night, but two of our favourite comedies are set to bow out this evening - in style, we hope. The final episode of Extras sees archetypal loser Andy finally getting a sniff of his big break when this week's guest star (it's almost impossible to use that phrase without thinking of Will and Grace) Patrick Stewart lends his thespian clout to a comedy script that Andy's been working on. Of course, we all know by this point that something has to horribly wrong, causing the entire viewing audience to hide behind their fingertips and squeak like infant mice. In this case, it's Andy's visible discomfort at working with some of the many gays that populate the BBC (outrage! How dare they use public money to fund such immorality! Storm Broadcasting House! Reclaim your licence fee! etc.) on the pilot episode. And let's not reckon without best friend Maggie's extraordinary talent for sying exactly the wrong thing at precisely the wrong time. Meanwhile, over in the land of the extremely talented Catherine Tate, there are further problems of a gay variety for Lauren, who suspects that one of her teachers might be gay (outrage! How dare they...hold on, we've done this bit). She is, of course, not bothered. Because her face doesn't look bothered. And if you look at her face, you'll see that she's not bothered. Are you calling her mother a prostitute? No, of course you aren't. And as if that weren't enough, there's a guest appearance from Peter Kay. We'll be sad to say goodbye to Nan, Elaine, Lauren, Amanda aka Zebedee and all of our other favourite characters, but fortunately for us, the DVD of the first series is out now. What's that? Plug plug? Why, yes, we just did.

By Steve :: Post link :: ::  
1 pop-up comments :: Discuss on messageboard

Tuesday, August 23, 2005

A buncha white chicks sittin' around talkin'

OUTSPOKEN! Loose Women, ITV1, 1.30pm
The new series of ITV's hit daytime "let's all sit around and talk about nothing much but pretend it's controversial" show started yesterday of course, but it was the final of America's Next Top Model, and let us tell you that it will be a chilly day in Hades before we put Loose Women above that. Not that we're not glad to see this back, of course, because it's a veritable staple of the lowculture diet and always gets a warm reception on our messageboards, and quite possibly a cup of coffee and a selection of biscuits to boot. We're willing to bet that ITV are especially glad to see this show back, as they've not had an easy time in their daytime scheduling of late. Despite rebranding as ITV Day and having a reasonably successful advertising campaign to show people what they're missing, the ratings have remained at a disappointing level, and even Nigella Lawson's chatshow hasn't provided respite from this. We're confident that this will be a hit all over again, as it's one of those formats that's so hard to switch off even if you don't like it: a bunch of people sitting around a table and arguing. Either you agree with them and you feel validated, or you disagree with them and you start shouting at your telly, but whichever way you've still ended up getting involved in the whole shebang. And while we missed pointing out lowculture hero Meera Syal on the show yesterday, today's guest is as good (if not better): arguably the world's first loose woman, TV's Wonder Woman alias Lynda Carter! She'll be joining Kaye Adams, Carol McGiffin and Terri "I'll Do Anything" Dwyer around that familiar table, and we are very excited about it. Lunchtimes are fun again. Hooray! Except it clashes with Neighbours. Bah!

By Steve :: Post link :: ::  
5 pop-up comments :: Discuss on messageboard

Monday, August 22, 2005

Who will it be?

FINAL! America's Next Top Model, Living TV, 9.00pm
We've found ourselves wondering recently exactly what to make of the title of this show. Did the previous winners really go on to become Top Models? (Our survey says: ehh-urrrrrrr) If not, is it not a bit of a misnomer to call it that? Why not call it "America's Next Winner Of A Reality TV Show (This One's About Modelling, By The Way)". Less catchy, sure, but far more accurate. And what happens after you're America's Next Top Model? Are you then America's Current Top Model? America's Top Model? America's Top Model Du Jour? What happens when they have another series and someone else wins? Does that make you America's Last Top Model? America's Next Also-ran? America's Next Washed Up Not So Much Has-Been As Never-Was? Anybody seen Eva Pigford recently? Or Yoanna House? We won't mention the name of the cycle one winner, as that's currently airing every weeknight at 6.05pm and doubtless there are people who don't wish to be spoiled, even though the majority of us already know the winner. Anyway, enough of the introspection, this is the final of America's Next Top Model cycle four, and we're down to the disappointingly unmemorable final three of Keenyah, Kahlen and Naima. Keenyah resolutely believes that she is America's Next Top Model, but she eats too much and is kind of a bitch. Kahlen is lacking in self-confidence and is unimpressive in person, but has taken some awesome pictures. Naima is beautiful and probably has the best portfolio of the lot, but is quiet and reserved in person, and may not have the va-va-voom that a Top Model needs to have. It promises to be a nail-biting finish, and I believe we're promised another fashion show with a runway-to-the-death segment to determine the winner, but it just lacks something compared to previous cycles. Maybe it's just that non of these girls really seem like they ought to be top models, or maybe it's just that they're not the characters that we're used to. We've seen Brandy (and Brandy's Attitude) eliminated, along with BeerWeave Tiffany, Manly Michelle, Boozy Brittany and everyone else who was interesting (and some boring ones, we'll admit - Noelle, anyone?) We're surprised to be saying this, but it really doesn't compare to last year's final three: legally blind Amanda (did she mention she was blind, by the way? We're sure she mentioned it once, in passing, but you might have missed it), Fucking Yaya and Miss Eva the Diva. Also kids, make your most of Janice Dickinson in this episode, as she's been fired and won't be back for cycle five. Neither will Nolé Marin, but let's not pretend we care about him.
EDIT: Shock! Horror! We were misled by the Radio Times, and tonight's episode is actually a filler episode recapping the series so far. Boo! But: yay! Because this allows us to get reacquainted with all the mad bitches we were bemoaning the loss of earlier! So wave hello one final time to Brandy and her scary 'fro, threatening to knock toothless Tatiana upside the head, Michelle and her Amazing Exploding Face, Tiffany and her weave that no longer has beer poured in it (and we'll drop dead of shock if this recap does not include Tyra's now infamous "Be quiet, Tiffany. Be quiet! What is wrong with you? STOP IT!!!!" rant), adorable Lluvy and The Worst Picture In The History Of America's Next Top Model. It's not new, but it's good. And we're totally just going to repeat everything we said above for next week's preview instead, because recycling is good for the environment.

By Steve :: Post link :: ::  
4 pop-up comments :: Discuss on messageboard

Friday, August 19, 2005

School's in

CARTOONY! Bromwell High, Channel 4, 11.20pm
Animation for adults is always a bit of a tricky thing to pull off. The graveyard of Channel 4’s, er, graveyard scheduling is littered with adult animations that, while good and critically acclaimed, never quite caught on in the same way that South Park or Monkey Dust did. The pedigree behind this new show looks pretty impressive: it’s written by Stephen Merchant (who also does voices), and the vocal talent behind the vast array of weird and wonderful characters includes Green Wing’s Stephen Mangan, EastEnders’ Tracy-Ann Oberman, Doon MacKichan and Gina Yashere. For those of you wondering what the “sit” in this sitcom happens to be, it’s set in a rundown inner London school and stars a selection of disaffected students (think “am I bothered?”) and thwarted teachers. Could quite well have cult hit written all over it.

By Steve :: Post link :: ::  
0 pop-up comments :: Discuss on messageboard

Thursday, August 18, 2005

Oops!...We did it again

MORE BRITNEY! Britney and Kevin: Chaotic, E4, 10.30pm
If your appetite for Britney was not sufficiently whet by Britney’s Redneck Roots on Tuesday, this is your chance to see Britney’s much-vaunted reality TV show, inviting us all to take a sneaky peek into her life as Mrs Federline. And to anyone who put a bet on Britney ever attempting to copy Jessica Simpson way back in the late nineties when they first appeared on the scene, that's some nice - if extremely imaginative - thinking. We’re still waiting for the Britney covers album to surface so that we can cash in on our bet on Britney resorting to copying Mandy Moore. This show aired on America’s UPN network recently to fairly disastrous ratings (and UPN is a fairly low-rating network in the first place), so much so that they stitched the final two episodes together and resorted to running repeats in its slot the following week. Funnily enough, that hasn’t put us off wanting to watch this in the slightest and we’re looking forward to watching this in all its car-crash, trashy, tracksuit-weddinged glory. Oh, E4, sometimes you spoil us.

By Steve :: Post link :: ::  
0 pop-up comments :: Discuss on messageboard

Wednesday, August 17, 2005

Get the naughty corner ready

SEVERE! Supernanny, Channel 4, 9.00pm
You can’t throw a spitwad at the TV listings these days without hitting some kind of educational parentcraft show, but Supernanny is, quite possibly, the daddy of them all. Or perhaps the secondary caregiver of them all. Childminder of them all? Oh, those confusing metaphors. However we choose to classify it, childcare expert Jo Frost is back for another eight (eight!) episodes to help those whose children have slipped completely out of control. From what we’ve heard of the new series, she hasn’t developed any revolutionary new techniques (a shame, since we think she’d get even better ratings if the naughty corner now involved suspension over a pit of ravenous crocodiles), so it looks as though there won’t be any huge surprises in store. It’s not even as though they can build suspense by cutting to the midpoint adbreak where it looks as though Supernanny may have met her match with this particular child, because they’ve done that so often before and she always wins through in the end. In short, this is probably not the place to come seeking a big televisual surprise if that’s what floats your boat, but if you’re looking to have a little faith restored in human nature (not to mention see a screaming brat turning into a docile and obedient infant), this is where you’ll want to be looking.

By Steve :: Post link :: ::  
3 pop-up comments :: Discuss on messageboard

Tuesday, August 16, 2005

Someday we will understand her

YEEHAW! Britney’s Redneck Roots, Channel 4, 10.00pm
If the old adage is to be believed, there are 100 ways to cover your redneck past. Although that’s not so much an old adage as it is a Ben Folds Five song, but the message is still essentially the same. That Britney is a smalltown girl from the Bible belt is hardly a secret, and she’s more-or-less single-handedly put Kentwood, Louisiana on the map – but how does Kentwood feel about that? That’s the question being posed in this documentary. No doubt there will be plenty of talking heads (or should that be talking hicks?) queuing up to put their two cents’ forth on the Britney that they knew, but let’s be honest here, the bit we’re all looking forward to seeing is the interview with Britney’s first husband (and childhood friend) Jason Alexander. It’s probably best to look at this as a companion piece – perhaps even a prequel – to Britney & Kevin: Chaotic, which begins on E4 on Thursday (we’re considering calling this Britney Week here on lowculture, although judging by the way we’ve written this preview we’d do just as well to call it Bracket Week) – one allows you to get Britney’s take on her kerazy ascent to fame and fortune, while this one gives us the perspective from all the onlookers.
Also… fans of America’s Next Top Model may be interested to know that Living TV is running the first series every night this week at 6.05pm. We’re already onto the second episode at this point – we would have pointed it out to you yesterday had we known, but we only discovered it when we were channel surfing. Sorry, and that.

By Steve :: Post link :: ::  
0 pop-up comments :: Discuss on messageboard

Friday, August 12, 2005

And the winner is...?

FINAL! Big Brother: the Live Final, Channel 4, 8.30 & 10.00pm
There's something faintly alarming about the effect that Big Brother seems to have on the time-space continuum. This year's series has been the longest yet, but while it does feel like it's been on forever, at the same time it also feels like it's finishing surprisingly quickly. We have no idea how they've managed to achieve that, but it's quite remarkable. We've worked our way through a whopping sixteen contestants this year (will these people never learn?) and already some of the early evictees have faded from memory - does anyone really still care about Sam, Lesley or Roberto? Who? Yep, us neither. Now that Davina's already shafted the contestant with the fewest votes to win (note to the official Big Brother website: fewest, not least), there are just four to go. Will it be Anthony? Eugene? Kinga? Or Makosi? We'd say it's Anthony's game to lose at this point, but we've really not been watching closely enough this year to make such a claim with any great authority. More importantly, who knows what joys await the winner? Well, judging on the experience of previous winners, we predict any or all of the following: a disastrous Christmas single and a moderately respectable career in TV DIY shows, a descent into terrifying orangeness and high-pitched screaming on low budget light entertainment programmes, a heavily hyped "celebrity" battling show that sinks without a trace after a couple of weeks, a chat with some Scottish teenagers about religion, or an ill-advised dance track and a free invitation to next year's Australian Big Brother. The world's your oyster, dahhhhhhlings.

By Steve :: Post link :: ::  
0 pop-up comments :: Discuss on messageboard

...but who wants to live in an institution?

POPULAR! Committed, Five, 7.30pm
Cast your minds back to four whole weeks ago, when we drew your attention to an appearance by erstwhile Popular star Leslie Bibb in an episode of Nip/Tuck, and lamented the fact that so many of the cast have failed to find vehicles worthy of their talents since the show's demise. Well, we still don't know if the "worthy" part of that statement is true, but we can announce with a level of fanfare that Tammy Lynn Michaels (überbitch Nicole Julian) has a recurring role in this low-key sitcom on Five. It's yer classic odd-couple saga, where Nate and Marni meet against all odds and their considerable differences, and attempt to find that all important love connection despite their various idiosyncrasies. It sounds like a thousand other US sitcoms, and to be perfectly honest, there isn't much of a twist. The only reason we're recommending it is thanks to Tammy Lynn Michaels's brilliantly spiky turn as Tess, the next-door-neighbour's indifferent babysitter. Try to imagine Will & Grace's Karen Walker being left holding the baby, and that should give you some idea of where we're heading here. Like we said, there's very little that's revolutionary in all of this, but it's fun and likeable and features the requisite sassy sidekicks, so there are worse ways of spending half an hour.

By Steve :: Post link :: ::  
0 pop-up comments :: Discuss on messageboard

Thursday, August 11, 2005

Big fat belly laughs?

LARDY! Fat Actress, FX, 9.00pm
Improvised sitcoms. They're certainly a risky business. For every bit of credibility you establish by trying to be avant-garde and relying on the natural comic talents of your cast, you risk losing about three more if the whole shebang turns out to be a huge unfunny mess. So which end of the scale does Fat Actress fall on? Well, the jury's still pretty much out, to be honest. There are some detractors who don't seem to have picked up that the whole thing is a burlesque of Kirstie Alley's experiences of being a non-stick-like actress in LaLa land, and howl about how obnoxious the main character is and how Kirstie Alley doesn't seem to realise how cringeworthy this looks on TV. There are those who get the joke, but just don't think it works. And, of course, there are those who think the whole thing is kind of awesome. We're inclined to put ourselves in the third camp, not because we have any great confidence in the show itself, but more because for every debit in Kirstie Alley's career ledger, it will always be outweighed by the mammoth credit that was Drop Dead Gorgeous. The sidekicks look like they're good for a laugh - Kirstie's PA Eddie looks cute in a permanently befuddled sort of way, and Kevyn is on hand to provide hair, make-up and emotional support, if not the voice of intellectual reason. While it may not be able to boast the A-list guest stars of Extras (although it can provide Mayim Bialik of Blossom fame for two episodes), it definitely looks worth investigating.

By Steve :: Post link :: ::  
0 pop-up comments :: Discuss on messageboard

Wednesday, August 10, 2005

Desert island risks

EMPIRE! Lost, Channel 4, 8.30 & 10.00pm
One of us is a saint. One of us is a junkie. One of us is a murderer. One of us is crying. One of us is lying, in a lonely bed, staring at the ceiling, wishing she was somewhere else instead. Only those of you who have actually been marooned on a desert island for the past six months or so can have failed to be aware of Lost, the show that, along with Desperate Housewives, revived not only everybody's faith in scripted drama, but also the fortunes of flagging network ABC. An eclectic but generally beautiful group of plane crash survivors find themselves on a mysterious island, with little in the way of food and water and absolutely no idea how they're going to get home. Not only that, but there's something decidedly sinister about the island itself. But what could it be? Well, don't anticipate finding out tonight, because we've got an entire season to go yet, and even then they'll probably want to leave us a cliffhanger so that we'll watch the second one. There's a good chance you may be slightly distracted in the initial stages of the show spotting the recognisable faces: Dominic Monaghan of Lord of the Rings fame (bonus lowculture points for all of you who remember him from back when he was in Hetty Wainthropp Investigates), Matthew Fox (Charlie from Party of Five, or "Buffy Without Monsters" as Marti Noxon probably calls it), Ian Somerhalder (from The Rules of Attraction and the short-lived homoeroticism-fest that was Young Americans)...you'll note, of course, that we didn't say "famous faces", but you'll probably have at least one "Hey! It's That Guy!" moment. Good news, however, because Channel 4 anticipated we might be too busy face-spotting to pay attention at first, so they're showing both hour-long parts of the pilot tonight, either side of Big Brother. Don't make any plans for tonight, or indeed for any Wednesday night until the end of the season. Don't say we didn't warn you.

By Steve :: Post link :: ::  
0 pop-up comments :: Discuss on messageboard

Tuesday, August 09, 2005

Queer today, gone tomorrow

QUEER! Sad To Be Gay, BBC2, 9.00pm
Don't ask us why, but whenever there's a show in the schedules that has some kind of homosexual theme, we tend to think it might be of interest to the lowculture readership. Absolutely no idea why we think that; it's a complete mystery. Anyway, to balance out the many gay-pride themed programmes out there, this one focuses more on the aspect of gay shame. For the uninitiated, that's the feeling you get on the dancefloor at G-A-Y at 3am when you haven't pulled and you're starting to sober up and you realise that not only do you look like a twat when you're covered in glitter, but that you just danced to a Lisa Scott-Lee track without the faintest sense of irony. Not that we'd know anything about that, of course. This documentary (no, wait, come back, etc.) follows David Akinsanya as he comes to the decision that he's had enough of being gay, and wonders how he might go about becoming straight. (À propos of nothing, a quick googling of David Akinsanya's name shows that he's no stranger to TV and radio. We're not going to comment on that, we just found it interesting.) There would appear to be a lot of simple ways of exploring this (seeing a counsellor, perhaps attempting to date some women and seeing what happens), but evidently unable to divorce himself from the gay man's love of high drama, David ends up heading for a "treatment centre" in Tennessee run by fundamentalist Christians who believe that homosexuality is evil and sinful and can be cured only by devoting oneself to God. How convenient for them, says your cynical previewer. We doubt this is going to make for easy viewing, and it's certainly a million miles away from Footballers' Wives (although they did, of course, run a curing-of-homosexuality plotline in the last series), but it looks like it may make more fertile discussion on our messageboards come Wednesday.

By Steve :: Post link :: ::  
0 pop-up comments :: Discuss on messageboard

Monday, August 08, 2005

Let's face the judges and bitch

JUDGEMENT! America's Next Top Model, Living TV, 9.00pm
We've been extremely well-behaved and we haven't mentioned America's Next Top Model for two whole Mondays now, so perhaps you can forgive us previewing it yet again: there are only three episodes to go (and possibly a clipshow) before we find out just who will become America's...Next...Top...Model (which we now always write with ellipses thanks to the Saturday Night Live skit which is linked to on our messageboards). Last week we waved a sad farewell to Michelle, the hulking wrestler who was a mess in person but took amazing photographs, giving us all a bit of hope that the sometimes the camera lies, and lies in your favour to boot. So, who's left? Bug-eyed Christina, raucous Britanny, mellow Kahlen, chubby Keenyah and wildcard Naima. Anyone who witnessed the many scenes of group frivolity last week (conveniently leaving aside the awkward scene in the restaurant where Naima asked Michelle if she felt alienated - well, yes, Naima, she does now) may be disappointed at the lack of bitchery in the final five - we're sadly bereft of a Yaya in this cycle to wind everybody up, so what better way to rectify that than some honest-to-goodness manipulative stirring? We've all become accustomed to the barbed putdowns of the judging panel (in particular the awesome Janice Dickinson) when everybody's so-called "best shot" is evaluated, but this week the girls will be invited to critique each other's pictures. Let's hope that some of the bitchiness comes to the forefront at long last: "Keenyah looks like she wants a donut", "Brittany isn't so much haute couture as she is ho' couture", "Christina will never be able to model lipstick because she has no lips", etc etc. And of course one girl will be eliminated, leaving us one step closer to discovering who will become America's...Next...Top...Model. See? We really can't stop doing that.

By Steve :: Post link :: ::  
0 pop-up comments :: Discuss on messageboard

"I need my cigarehhhhhhhttes. Er, you dags."

If you're fed up with Anthony and Craig's daily bickering on Big Brother UK, then head over to the Australian BB website where you'll be reminded of one of the main reasons that we're addicted to the show.
Yes! None other than last year's BB UK winner, Nadia Almada, is heading into the house, and will stay for at least a night. Just enough time to get under the shower with her heels on, eh?
Go here to find out more and have a look round the Aussies' frankly fiddly website.
Meanwhile, with an eviction expected in BB UK this Wednesday, join us in voting for Kinga and Eugene to win, so we can wipe the smug grins off the faces of Makosi, Anthony and Craig. Thank you.

UPDATE: Dearest Nadia: We love your bright smile, and your little black dress was to die for.
But the hair?! Good grief, the hair!
Feltz has been on the phone. And she says she doesn't want it back!

By Neil :: Post link :: ::  
0 pop-up comments :: Discuss on messageboard

Friday, August 05, 2005

We've already used our TLC joke, haven't we?

NURSE! THE SCREENS! Scrubs, Channel 4, 8.00pm
It's not often that an American sitcom in its fourth season can be said to be still delivering the goods (remember how dodgy Friends was by this point? The apartment-switching storyline? The London episode? Egad) but that's true of Scrubs as far as we're concerned. Last week's episode was a highlight, where Dr Cox turned disturbingly nice and subsequently lost the respect (read: fear) of all of the interns, Elliot's fashionable fringe undermined her credibility as a doctor, and JD tried to dump someone for the first time, only to end up being dumped first. This week things are as surreal as ever in the Sacred Heart hospital, and there's a special guest appearance by Michael J Fox into the bargain. He plays a prodigously talented surgeon by the name of Dr Kevin Casey, and JD thinks he's found a mentor at last. We're guessing this will not go down well with Dr Cox, who surely thrives on worship just as much as he thrives on fear. Meanwhile, cranky Dr Kelso is not happy with the crows flocking around his car, and takes to hanging around the rooftop with the permanently hangdog-faced Ted, favouring the air horn as a more traditional alternative to the scarecrow. Even if the plot doesn't sound appealing to you, it's always worth tuning into Scrubs for the throwaway lines and bizarre cut-scenes that appear out of nowhere, and add nothing to the plot, but make us cackle like complete loons.

By Steve :: Post link :: ::  
2 pop-up comments :: Discuss on messageboard

Thursday, August 04, 2005

Separated at birth?

(Thanks to David Hunter from the messageboard for spotting this uncanny resemblance.)

By Paul :: Post link :: ::  
0 pop-up comments :: Discuss on messageboard

Not so new, but still super. Man.

RETRO! Lois and Clark, except the BBC are still pretending that it is called The New Adventures Of Superman, which of course it is not, BBC2, 11am weekdays
If you're missing your regular Teri Hatcher fix while Desperate Housewives is off the air, you could do a lot worse than check her out as Lois Lane in this welcome rerun. This is the slightly rubbish first series, so it might come as a bit of a shock to see Teri with a sensible bob and bigger eyebrows than are legally permitted on TV in 2005. But Dean Caine is on hand to provide some old school eye candy, which is kind of fun. He's no Tom Welling, it's true, but a man in tights is a man in tights.

By Paul :: Post link :: ::  
0 pop-up comments :: Discuss on messageboard

Laugh? We nearly had an argument

FUNNY! Extras, The Catherine Tate Show and Absolute Power, BBC2, 9.00pm onwards
Oh BBC2, you are spoiling us with your dedicated 90 minutes of comedy. No, seriously, you might actually be spoiling us with all of this, since while all three shows seem to have their fans, there's a certain amount of bickering over the relative quality. It would seem that while you're bound to love at least one of these shows, you're bound to be repulsed by one of the others. Extras, for example: there are those who love this show, with its celebrity cameos, its shrewd observation of the embarrassments of everyday life, and its offbeat characters. Then again, there are those who think it's self-congratulatory, not as funny as it ought to be, and pales in comparison of the universality of The Office. And how about The Catherine Tate Show? Its fans would argue that Catherine Tate is a fabulously gifted comic actress, that the array of characters are well-observed, and that it's as good as Little Britain but without the hype; while its detractors point out that the writing is predictable, the sketches too long, and that Catherine Tate is generally wasted by material that's beneath her. Absolute Power? Well, it's clever, topical and features a powerhouse performance from Stephen Fry. But then perhaps also it's smug, overdone, and not as funny as it ought to be. They're all comedies, but they're so different that perhaps scheduling them altogether isn't the good idea it might seem - Catherine Tate is traditional, whereas Extras and Absolute Power are postmodern. Catherine Tate is catchphrase-driven, where Extras and Absolute Power are subtle and dialogue led. Absolute Power centres its humour around politics, Catherine Tate and Extras centre theirs around people watching. Anyway, while you're unlikely to love all three of these shows, chances are there'll be one that you like, and by now you'll probably already know which one without our help.

By Steve :: Post link :: ::  
0 pop-up comments :: Discuss on messageboard

Wednesday, August 03, 2005

Colonisation for Dummies

EMPIRE! How To Start Your Own Country, BBC2, 10.00pm
Okay, hands up how many of you remember somewhat iffy mid-90s BBC sitcom A Perfect State? Small idiosyncratic seaside town discovers it was accidentally omitted from the Doomsday Book and subsequently declares itself an independent state, with hilarity ensuing? Decried by critics at the time as an unfunny rip-off of Passport to Pimlico? Well, perhaps you don't (not everyone has the lowculture encyclopaedic memory of rubbish television from bygone times, something which we haven't quite defined as a blessing or a burden just yet), but this leads us nicely to a description of this programme, where quirky filmmaker Daniel Wallace looks into how you might go about setting up your own country. It's not such a crazy idea as it might seem - for starters, it'll probably turn out to be far easier than getting on the property ladder, and look how many TV shows have been made about that. Besides, think of the advantages of having your own country - writing your own laws, for example. Complete control of your borders - you could make sure that Kelly Osbourne never sets foot past customs. Endless possibilities, we're sure you'll agree. In the first of six instalments, tonight we find out how you go about landing the territory for your country. Hmm. Apparently just buying a house might be easier after all.

By Steve :: Post link :: ::  
1 pop-up comments :: Discuss on messageboard

Tuesday, August 02, 2005

Brideshead Revisited, er, revisited

FEY! Brideshead Revisited, UKTV Drama, 8.00pm
Contrary to appearances, we've not received any kind of bribe from the government to provide at least one intellectual or eduational preview each week, we're just doing our best to recommend a wide variety of shows that might appeal to you, our beloved reader(s). With that in mind, we thought we'd help you get in at the beginning for a rerun of the epic ITV dramatisation of Evelyn Waugh's Brideshead Revisited - you know, the sort of programme they bragged about having made on that recent restrospective with Melvyn Bragg to try to detract attention away from the fact that they're now responsible for Rock Around The Block and Celebrity Love Island. Anyway, this is a classy drama of the sort that no one, ITV or otherwise, seems to be making any more, and with a top-notch cast to boot, including Jeremy Irons, Anthony Andrews and Sir John Gielgud. The basic plot, for those of you who are unfamiliar, revolves around young Charles Ryder becoming acquainted with Sebastian Flyte and developing a taste for his aristocratic trappings. And if that's not enough to whet your appetite, we could point out that it contains more smouldering homoeroticism than Blue Peter and Smallville put together. Oh, look at that, we just did. It's a big task to take on, though - there are 12 hour-long instalments to keep up with. You might want to have your teddy bear on the sofa with you - y'know, in case you get a bit sleepy.

By Steve :: Post link :: ::  
1 pop-up comments :: Discuss on messageboard

Monday, August 01, 2005

It's both big and clever

SWEARY! Deadwood, Sky One, 10.00pm
It's lowculture confession time again: when the first series of this show was broadcast on Sky One, we rather rolled our eyes at it. "Oh," we thought, "another show that thinks we'll watch it just because it's full of swears, and the fact that it's got Lovejoy swearing in it is meant to key into some kind of nostaglia factor." So we didn't watch it, and now we're rather wishing we had, because we've heard a lot of good reports about this show. Yes, there is a lot of swearing in it (although that isn't necessarily a bad thing - if you're looking for a few new curse words to pad out your vocabulary this would be an excellent place to do your research), but there is a lot more to it than we initially realised. Did you know, for example, that Deadwood is a real American town that still exists to this day? Or that certain parts of the plot are based on historical fact? Well, we didn't until recently, and that's got us viewing it in a new light. Why, it's almost (please suppress your shuddering at the next word) educational. So you can tell that to your parents/flatmates/significant other as they roll their eyes at the fifth consecutive sentence involving the word "cocksucker". There are some nice performances to watch out for as well, particularly since the show recast one of its actors into an entirely different role for the second season. Tonight there's a power struggle in Deadwood (just for a change) and the aptly-named Al Swearengen is rightly concerned. It seems like something pivotal might happen tonight - sounds like an excuse for lots of frustrating cursing to us. Hurrah!

By Steve :: Post link :: ::  
0 pop-up comments :: Discuss on messageboard

How exciting!

Here at lowculture, we strive to bring you in-depth reviews of the best of low culture entertainment.
And now we've gone one step further by bagging ourselves a role in an upcoming production - and it's a feature-length movie, no less!
Yes! lowculture's Aberdeen contingent (plus four close chums) have taken on the heavy roles of CLUBBERS IN NIGHTCLUB in local producer/director/actor Ara Paiaya's latest production - Night Driver.
Take a dash of 80s classic television series Night Rider (complete with replica KITT car!), remove The Hoff (but keep the jacket!) and blend with a dash of martial arts (looks painful!) and a smattering of comedy (Benny Hill, rest in peace!) and you've got a cinematic gem that's due for completion by the end of the year.
We spent three hours in Aberdeen nightspot Babylon (right) doing our best to make the place look crowded with the help of around half a dozen other extras.
Sadly, our scene featured neither KITT, nor any martial arts, but we're sure it's pivotal to the development of the movie*.
And in a behind-the-scenes EXCLUSIVE, we can let you know that our three hours of work involved the following:
>> Clutching empty bottles of beer!
>> Walking from one side of the club to the other as a group!
>> Walking from one side of the club to the other in single file!
>> Crouching by a window off-camera before walking past a table of gangsters!
But the highpoint for us was our final scene of the evening. Three of our group, including yours truly, forming a 'crowd', blocking Ara's attempts to catch the lead gangster as he legs it from the club.
Ours was truly the most wooden performance this side of Hollyoaks as we swayed and glared as Ara pushed his way past. Eight takes later, one of which included an ad-libbed "Shit!" from one of our party, and our work was done.
We reckon the whole scene will last something in the region of a minute-and-a-half, and we're expecting the finished movie to be broadcast in a local cinema in a few months' time. We'll let you know how premier goes.
Find out more about the charming and rather fit Mr Paiaya at his official website, Paiaya Films. But only once you've finished here, obviously.
In the meantime, why not share your experience of stardom with us by clicking on the link below?
*Something about a gangster planning to steal KITT. And somebody getting a slap to the face in an hilarious case of mistaken identity.

By Neil :: Post link :: ::  
0 pop-up comments :: Discuss on messageboard