Friday, July 30, 2004

CALL US PREMATURE, BUT . . .

. . . Cheerio, Michelle. Don't let the door hit you on the arse on your way out.

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A LITTLE TALENT GOES A NOT-VERY-LONG WAY

It's Friday, and even now, many years on, we're still a bit sad that Terry Christian and Dani Behr will not be on our telly later this evening with another excruciation edition of The Word.
Fans of the ridiculous pair can still find them on the box though – it's just a question of knowing where to look.
As we pointed out a couple of weeks ago, Terry Christian joined our beloved Rustie Lee to take part in I'm Famous And Frightened 2 on LivingTV and, at the time, we heard whispers that Dani had found work in America, presenting a dating show for the smaller contestant – The Littlest Groom.
We are, at last, able to shed more light on this intriguing piece of television, thanks to lowculture reader James Foley, who reports:
» It featured Glen, a 23-year-old, 4'5" man who was looking for love. Through a series of one-on-one dates and tasks he had to choose between five women of similar height he might be compatible with.
» In a "hilarious" twist, Glen's dating pool is expanded to include three gorgeous women of average height. Would he decide that good things only come in small packages? Or realise his true heart lay 2ft above his eye level?
» Highlights included the participants being carted off to a golf driving range (small people playing golf = funny) and a line dancing segment (small people line dancing = v. funny).
» At various points in the show, when the participants spoke, subtitles appeared onscreen – because, of course, tiny people have tiny voices.
» The critics were surprisingly kind. The Holywood Reporter, for example, said that "The Littlest Groom ... embodies wretched taste on so many levels that it's difficult to convey it fully."
Little has been written about Dani's contribution to this tasteless enterprise, but with her extensive experience of presiding over dismal freakshows (as well as The Word and the fantastically bad Ice Warriors, she has also hosted another dating show, this one for bummers, called Boy Meets Boy), we can only assume that her input was crucial.
We can tell you, however, that the show's official website describes her as a "hostess extraordinaire", which sounds just about right to us.
After The Littlest Groom, you might expect that Dani would never work again, but she's currently "linked" to a new TV drama series called Denial about "the love and working lives of eight women,who live together in two houses in Chelsea, all drawn to the bright lights of London, desperate for success and determined to get it " – a project which will, presumably, leave her little time for the Faith, Hope and Charity reunion we've been anxiously awaiting for many a long month.

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FUCK ME FACTS!

It's Friday! Thank fuck for that! Killing time till work finishes? Then check these amazing facts about Friday, July 30.
» It was revealed in 1936 that just under a quarter of a million calls had been made to the speaking clock in its first week of service.
» Have you forgotten how good they taste? Cornflakes were invented 106 years ago today (that's 1898, folks). Best check the expiry date on your packet, just to be on the safe side.
» Debbie Gibson previewed her summer tour today in 1991. In her back garden! On the same day, thousands of people were soaked by torrential rain at Pavarottie's 30th anniversary concert in Hyde Park.
» Coronation Street was voted the nation's favourite programme today in 1965. Eee, and there were no bummers in them days, neither.
» Meow! Cat fight! Sporty Spice Mel C slammed former Ginger Spice Geri, saying that her album was "hollow" and that her music did not come from the heart in 1999. But we *heart* hollow and insincere, you silly moo.
» Happy birthday to: Novelty California governor Arnold Schwarzenegger (57), eternally baffling but endearing songstress Kate Bush (46), iconic decathlete Daley Thompson (46), and Friends actress Lisa Kudow.
» Unrelated fact of the day. Apparently, "ough" can be pronounced in eight different ways. Before you start drawing attention by grunting away in front of colleagues/passers-by/medical staff, please add some letters to the front before doing so.

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TANYA'S BLONDE HIGHLIGHTS

All the TV that's mad, bad, or just a little bit evil for FRIDAY. Our Tiny Tanya Turner ratings show just how low each show goes – the more Tanyas a show scores, the more mental it is.
» DOPPELGANGER! Father Dowling Investigates, BBC1, 2.35pm
Only four words needed to persuade you to watch this episode – Father Dowling's Evil Twin.
» POP-ELGANGER! Top Of The Pops, BBC1, 7pm
The TOTP team decamp to Gateshead for a summer special. It's an hour long, it's outside, and it features Natasha Bedingfield, Busted and lots of others. It will also be one of your last opportunities to mock Tim Kash, as he's been given the boot.
» POPE-ELGANGER! EMMERDALE, ITV1, 7pm
Sam plans to flee to Ireland disguised as a comedy vicar. And Nicola is as gutted as one of Simon's fish when he tells her where to stick their relationship.
» SNIP-ELGANGER! EastEnders, BBC1, 8pm
Chrissie isn't the most rational person at the best of times – we would think twice about going to her to get our tresses trimmed even if we hadn't recently been knocking off her husband. Unfortunately, Kate HAS been knocking off her husband, and Chrissie has finally realised what has been going on. And she's planning to take her revenge – with bad hairdressing.
» Are we missing something great? Or even something rubbish – we're honestly not fussed! Click on the comment link below and tell us all about it.

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Thursday, July 29, 2004

FUCK ME FACTS!

Tch! Is is just us, or is this week dragging something hellish? Never mind, grab a few minutes away from it all as you peruse these amazing facts about Thursday, July 29:
» It's 23 years to the day since Lady Diana Spencer donned a flouncy meringue to marry The Prince of Wales at St Paul's Cathedral in London. More than 700million people around the world tuned in. Eastenders scriptwriters take note: perhaps Fergie could perform a cameo and get hitched to Ian Beale.
» Anti-fur group PETA planned to take their campaign to the internet in 1998, only to find their domain name already taken up by the People for Eating Tasty Animals.
» A Welsh couple were given permission to marry at home, owing to the bride's agoraphobia. They planned to spend their honeymoon watching videos.
» Which of Claire Sweeney's assets would you reckon she'd be best having insured? We don't know either. But the smiley lass decided to have her knockers safeguarded for £5million in 2001 in preparation for abseiling down a 90ft building wearing just knickers and a bra.
» Happy fourth wedding anniversary to Jennifer Aniston and Brad Pitt, who in their vows promised to make banana milkshakes (Jennifer) and split the cost of the heating thermostat (Brad).
» Ireland's own Nostradamus, Ronan Keating, warned in 2001 that boy bands would wooon become a thing of the past, as rock 'n' roll would be making a comeback.
» Happy birthday to: Star Trek actor Wil Wheaton (32!), Baywatch actress Alexandra Paul (41), and ever-fit actor Stephen Dorff (31).

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TANYA'S BLONDE HIGHLIGHTS

Tanya's been off having her roots done for the last week or so, but – hooray! – she's back now. Our Tiny Tanya Turners show just how low each show goes – the more a show scores, the more mental it is.
» I DO! (I THINK) Happy Days, Paramount, 10am
Another crazy episode from after Happy Days had turned to shit. There's nothing like a good wedding to boost falling ratings, so the producers decided that Ritchie should marry his childhood sweetheart, Lori Beth. The fact that Richie was no longer in the show did not cause as many problems as you might first expect – the bride ends up marrying him by proxy, with The Fonz as the stand-in groom. Nuts!
» MOO! Hollyoaks, Channel 4, 6.30pm
Rubbish gay Nick must choose between bumming and farming when his mother pleads with him to take over the family business.
» BOOM! The Bill, ITV1, 8pm
The team will have to work hard to beat last night's brilliant episode, in which the ever-splendid DS Nixon dressed like a cheap slag to tease a confession out of a serial rapist. Luckily, we already know that the cliffhanger saw a bomb go off in a community centre – with the Superintendent trapped inside – so the signs are good.
» CHEAP! The Biggest Slags In Britain, ITV2, 10.30pm
Three Leeds lads with loose morals and loose belts confess that they've had 450 one night stands between them – and they're on the prowl for numbers 451, 452 and 453.
» Are we missing something great? Or even something rubbish – we're honestly not fussed! Click on the comment link below and tell us all about it.

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Wednesday, July 28, 2004

FUCK ME FACTS!

Hooray! It's Wednesday! That's near enough the weekend for us, but while we're waiting, why not browse these amazing facts about Wednesday, July 28?
» Filling your face with crisps or chips at the moment? Then let's all be grateful to Sir Thomas Harriot, who brought the first potato to Britain, from Colombia, on this day in 1786.
» Monica Lewinsky agreed to tell the truth about her affair with Bill Clinton on this day in 1998. She promised this in exchange for full immunity from perjury prosecution. And more than her fair share of media exposure, presumably.
» It's five years since an English world dictionary was launched, featuring words that highlighted the influence of Australian and American television on the language. They included "puh-lease" and "no worries" but we won't be happy till we own a concise Oxford that includes the term "fanny baws".
» Hoorah for equality! Florence Nangle was granted a licence to train racehorses in 1966, becoming the first woman ever to do so. Unfortunately, her battle had taken 20 years, and by this time she was 70 years old.
» Amazed that Jason has lasted so long in the Big Brother house? Then be even more flabbergasted when we point out it's exactly three years since airline steward Brian Dowling won the second series of the show. In refreshingly honest style, Brian said he would not give the money to charity, but would instead spend his £70,000 winnings.
» And while we're on the subject of BB, it's four years to the day since the very first British Big Brother contestant was voted out. Remember who? We've put their name in the comments box, so leave us a note while you're there, won't you?
» Happy birthday to: Garfield's creator Jim Davis (59), who must surely be weeping at the sight of the terrible CGI creation that's headed for our cinema screens. Also celebrating is former Hear'Say singer Noel Sullivan (24). Aw, bless!

By Neil :: Post link :: ::  
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THE HISSING LINK

We're loving the chaingang task imposed on the housemates this week. Particularly the fact that they have not been joined with their expected partners, and that they aren't even allowed to carry out their own ablutions.
And for us, the greatest comedy pairing is obvious. Here's Dan, cleaning the lovely Nadia's teeth for her. Either that or he's found the only way to stop her talking about cigarettes for a few seconds.
The sight of Nadia tottering about in her heels as she tries to keep up with Dan's long strides is equally amusing.
"It's like carrying a third leg, isn't it?" she commented.
"I'm used to that," replied Dan.
Stuart and Shell, connected at the waist, seem to be getting on with things without much complaint. Which brings us on to our final, wrist-boung couple - Jason and Michelle.
We have a horrible feeling Jason could make it into the final week if Michelle's sickening lusting after Stu isn't curtailed sharpish.
Ever since the chains went on, her determination to control Stuart has increased tenfold. We don't know what's worse: her catty comments to Shell to keep away from Stuart, or her finding excuses to noisily snog him at every given opportunity.
Funny thing is, despite being chained to another woman, Stu's never had more freedom.
Michelle: what happened? You were at your peak when you were locked in the bedsit with Emma. We love your dirty laugh and your filthy trumps. But drop the Fatal Attraction routine, please. We can't bear Jason's fish-out-of-water face gurns for another week.

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Tuesday, July 27, 2004

FUCK ME FACTS!

What ho! Get ready to gasp in wonderment in reaction to these amazing facts about Tuesday, July 27:
» The Millennium Dome was sold to a Japanese bank for £105million on this day in 2000. The bank planned to turn the dome into a theme park. Commentators noted it was a small return for a £761million investment. But they're not bitter.
» A British pilot was questioned by Italian police after holding passengers aboard his aircraft in Milan six years ago. The reason? He said they wouldn't be allowed to leave until the person who disabled the smoke detector in the toilets owned up, but relented after 45 minutes when a confession wasn't forthcoming. He should have gone into a sudden dive at 30,000feet instead. That would've seen someone cough up, surely?
» After 18 months of rehearsal, grooming and styling by Stock, Aitken and Waterman, Rick Astley's career was launched in the UK. And look! He's still at it!
» Police in Florida (Floridan? Floridian?) revealed in 2000 that they were dealing with around 50 crashes a month at the first roundabout in the area. Apparently, American drivers were only used to driving in straight lines, and were confused by the curvy bit, dagnabbit.
» Coronation Street's Terry Duckworth, Nigel Pivaro, had to bring his script on stage when he forgot his lines for a King's Lynn performance of Dead of Night. It must've broken Vera's bloody 'eart.
» Happy birthday to: The Dean half of Torvill and Dean, Christopher (46); and Tracy Shaw, who was doomed to be fatally walloped as Maxine Peacock by Richard Hillman in Coronation Street (31).

By Neil :: Post link :: ::  
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Monday, July 26, 2004

DELAYED GRATIFICATION

Today, you find lowculture slightly hungover, after a Sunday evening of thrills and spills at London's homosexual G-A-Y bar.
Why were we in this pink neon paradise for the second Sunday in a row? No, it wasn't to letch over well-groomed young gays with impossibly fashionable hair. Well, not just for that anyway. The big lure is the amazing video jukebox, which is full to bursting with all kinds of trash.
For just one British pound, you can pick four songs. Our selection included a Shania Twain song we have previously denounced on this very website as the work of the devil, Rollercoaster by B*Witched, the ever brilliant Last Thing On My Mind by Steps and, from a choice of three (three!) Deuce videos, I Need You.
All well and good, we hear you say. But, despite the apparant brilliance of this piece of technical wizardry, we always find that we are left wanting at the end of the evening - because the fucking thing never actually plays any of our tunes before closing time!
There's nothing else for it – we will just have to go back next Sunday and try again.

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FUCK ME FACTS!

We know Mondays are rubbish, so why not take some time to cheer yourself up with these amazing facts about Monday, July 26?
» The horror! The Egton Bridge Gooseberry Show was cancelled in 2001 because of the foot and mouth crisis. It had taken place every year since 1800 without fail.
» The Football Association announced plans in 2000 to introduce a 12-match ban for players who man-handled referees, leaving post-goal fondling and the after-game showers as the only enticing factors of the game for us.
» We have to admit this one escaped us, but apparently Naomi Campbell became the new face of a washing up liquid in 2000. She donned rubber gloves and said: "What does it take to get me in rubber?"
» The Spice Girls went straight to number one on this day in 1998 with Viva Forever, their first single since the departure of Geri Halliwell. But her spirit lived on in the form of a model fairy-thing, as the video in which it appeared was already complete.
» Happy birthday to: Drag idol Danny La Rue (77), oft-naked actress Helen Mirren (59), and actress Sandra Bullock (40!).
» Unrelated fact of the day: Cough medicine was advertised in 1898 as containing heroin.

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Friday, July 23, 2004

EENY, MEENY, MINY, MORON

Ooh, he's riled us up something rotten, has that Victor. The disastrous wedding task broke lowculture's fragile patience as his promise of some "straight-talking" turned out to be nothing more than childish attacks on each of the housemates the other night.
And with only a few hours to go before tonight's eviction, we're fairly sure he'll be arrogantly parading his hefty backside in front of a heavily booing crowd.
But what annoys us more than anything else, far more than the innit-idiot's rantings, is the fact that Jason has wisely chosen to keep his mouth shut and, as far as we're concerned, has saved himself from what previously seemed a certain eviction this week.

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Thursday, July 22, 2004

FUCK ME FACTS!

Fed up to the fact teeth with our London titbits? Then fear not, because we return to a more global approach to bring you these amazing facts about Thursday, July 22.
» A survey conducted in 1999 revealed that stressed-out career women were drinking to relax, and jeopardising their health as a result. We at lowculture merely drink as a result of stressed-out women related stress . . .
» . . . talking of which, it's a year since Cherie Blair belted out a rendition of "When I'm 64" by The Beatles during a diplomatic tour of China with husband Tony *shudder*.
» Her Royal Ma'amjesty The Queen was brushing up on her foreign customs in preparation for her visit to the Sultan of Brunei in 1998. The etiquette list stated she should not wear yellow, point, or sneeze in public.
» It's six years since Russian scientists revealed their latest plans for space, which lent a little more to Queer Eye than we would ever of imagined. Instead of exploring the galaxy, they wanted to launch a huge mirror into space. Why? To make Siberia more attractive by brightening the long, dark winters, of course.
» July 22 certainly isn't without problems for the aforementioned Her Royal Highnessty. It's exactly a year since a 17-year-old guest at her summer garden party dropped his trousers and ran about, shouting "Wahey!".
» Police began a search for Kylie after her neighbours reported seeing her being bundled into a car outside her flat. It later turned out it was not the peachy-arsed one at all, but a lookalike being filmed for a documentary.
» Happy birthday to: Superman and Priscilla Queen of the Desert star Terence Stamp (65); and chirpy actress Bonnie Langford (40). And of course, belated birthday greetings go to Mollie Sugden, whose birthday was apparently yesterday (thanks, David!). Ms Sugden was too busy unravelling the matted hair from her pussy to let us know personally, you see.

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WHO-HA

Can you hear it? Right there, in the distance?
Yes, that’s right – it’s the BBC, busy filming the new series of Doctor Who in Cardiff RIGHT NOW.
If you were hanging around the city on Tuesday night, you might well have seen some of the following exciting things:
» Cardiff dressed up as London, complete with fake tube station, bus stop and Evening Standard billboard (headline: “PROPER RIGMAROLE”)
» A load of Autons (shop dummies that come to life and do bad things) bursting out of a department store window. A bit like in the video for Sophie Ellis Bextor’s Get Over You – which was, of course, a bit like Doctor Who.
» Billie Piper! Running!
» A London Routemaster bus skidding down the street in an alarming fashion.
» Some black cabs driving through windows.
» Exploding cars.
» No sign of Doctor Who himself, though. Boo.
We want it to be on our telly TONIGHT!

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Wednesday, July 21, 2004

FUCK ME FACTS!

In our opinion, there really aren't any terribly interesting facts about Wednesday, July 21*, so please excuse us while we indulge ourselves by recounting our long weekend in London.
» The celebrity tally was pitifully low on this occasion, with our sub-C-list collection comprising only a children's television presenter with hyper-gay hair in a nightclub, and the reporter and photographer from Airport while we were checking our luggage in at Heathrow.
» We very much enjoyed ourselves at Shinky Shonky on Saturday, despite the air conditioning breaking down early doors and there being no mirrors for preening in the toilet. But! We left with lollies and badges, courtesy of the Glambassador himself, Boogaloo Stu.
» Ours read "SHOW US UR COCK" and "MY ASSHOLE IS SO SLACK, I HAVE TO WEAR A BUTT-PLUG ALL THE TIME".
» The tunes and entertainment were fantastic, but the high point of the evening has to be the young gay in a rubber top who had a fetish for cheesy Wotsits**. He polished off at least a dozen packets, handed out with flourish by the Incredible Tall Lady, without pausing for (cheesy) breath.
» He even accepted a half-empty bag proferred by our delegation, somewhat disturbingly poking around the inside with his fingers to get the very last of the orange dust. He was escorted from the premises a short while later.
» After spending a couple of days in Paul's Lovely Flat, we spent a further two nights in a decidedly less welcoming hotel near Leinster Square, with a miniscule bathroom hidden in a cupboard and only one teabag between two of us.
» We attended Porn Idol at G-A-Y on Monday night, averting our eyes in pity at some of the bizarre strip routines performed by the contestants. But we liked number seven best (or was it six? We forget), even though he had his nadgers out in less than 20 seconds.
» We're now spending the day washing our clothes and slightly regretting the purchase of cheap jewellery from a London store which has left us with a green ring on our finger.
* Unless you're particularly keen to know that East 17 "vocalist" Terry Caldwell is celebrating his 30th birthday today. Happy birthday, Tezza!
** No pun intended, we assure you.

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FIVE-AND-A-HALF IMPORTANT THINGS FOR TODAY*

Phew! We're having a bit of a busy week at lowculture HQ, and can't quite be bothered to write proper updates for the site. But we do think you need to know that:
1. Maggie Kirkpatrick, alias Joan "The Freak" Ferguson from Prisoner Cell Block H, is about to turn up in Home And Away – as the tough-as-old-boots top dog of the prison that Dani Sutherland is sent to when she's convicted of attempted murder.
2. Last weekend, Rustie Lee put her political ambitions on hold to appear on LivingTV's I'm Famous And Frightened, alongside such TV greats as Adele Silva, “Handy” Andy Kane, Anne "Betty from Crossroads" Charleston, Danniella Westbrook, Jeff Brazier, John Noakes and Terry Christian. We are thrilled to be able to tell you that she was voted both braver and better than that pack of losers, and won a lot of money for her chosen charities. lowculture's Neil was actually supposed to interview them all at Fyvie Castle, which would have been quite good. Instead, he was sitting in the G-A-Y bar in London perving at men. What a gay.
3. You need to watch The Bill this week, as it's your last chance to see Daniel MacPherson as the extra-cute PC Cameron Tate. To mark this occasion, we thought it would be fitting to repeat the picture we used to mark his first appearance last year.
4. We've received word that Dani Behr is presenting some kind of dating show for dwarves on US cable tv. More as we get it.
5. While you're waiting for us to get off our arses and actually write some stuff, have a look at a new weblog called High Camp Caress Morell. It's got stuff about loads of things we like, including Central Park West, Savannah and, of course, Dynasty. In fact, it's a bit too much like competition, so we're currently trying to channel the spirit of Alexis Colby to think of ways to get the creators banged up in a grim South American prison, like Dynasty's original Caress Morell.
* There aren't really five and a half things, because how can you have half a thing? Exactly. But we do recommend you go and join up at our messageboard. It's a bit like this, except written by you lot, with fewer typos and more frequent updates.

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Tuesday, July 20, 2004

TANYA'S BLONDE HIGHLIGHTS

All the TV that's mad, bad, or just a little bit evil for TUESDAY. Our Tiny Tanya Turner ratings show just how low each show goes – the more Tanyas a show scores, the more mental it is.
» LEGAL! The Courtroom, Channel 4, 4pm
Who cares what it's about today – the important thing is that one of the guest stars is an actor who goes by the splendid name of Fine Time Fontayne. Could he be related to Playtime Fontayne from Viz?
» CLASH! Wife Swap, Channel 4, 9pm
We're putting this in chiefly as a reminder for ourselves, as we keep forgetting it's on. Tonight's episode looks good, though, as the fake mum tries to get some particularly bookish children out of the house and mixing with people their own age.
» GLOSSY! Absolutely Fabulous, UKTV Gold, 10.55pm
Edina and Patsy hold a book club with a difference (they're reading Hello! magazine) in one of the better episodes from the most recent run.
» Are we missing something great? Or even something rubbish – we're honestly not fussed! Click on the comment link below and tell us all about it.

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Thursday, July 15, 2004

TANYA'S BLONDE HIGHLIGHTS

All the TV that's mad, bad, or just a little bit evil for THURSDAY. Our Tiny Tanya Turner ratings show just how low each show goes – the more Tanyas a show scores, the more mental it is.
» RUSTLING Emmerdale, ITV1, 7pm
We caught an episode of Emmerdale (sounds nasty, doesn't it?) for the first time in ages last night, and it was rather good. The Dingles have accidentally stolen a cow from Andy, and there was some hilarious comedy "business" with a stun gun. The best line, though, was when the police went into the Woolpack to ask about the missing beast and Val called through the back to Louise, who promptly appeared. "I don't know what you mean, officers," said Val, "she's not missing at all." Great stuff!
» JAZZ HANDS! When Will I Be Famous, BBC1, 7pm
New docusoap showing a year in the life of some stage school brats at the Sylvia Young Theatre School.
» TONIGHT, BRIAN, I'M GOING TO BE...! Phoenix Nights, Channel 4, 10.50pm
Last in this welcome series of repeats. It's Stars In Their Eyes night at the Phoenix, and Den Perry is determined to put a stop to the whole affair.
» Are we missing something great? Or even something rubbish – we're honestly not fussed! Click on the comment link below and tell us all about it.

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Tuesday, July 13, 2004

SUPER SU

News, at last, of Su Pollard – who, quite unbeknown to us, has been regaling readers of her official website with regular communiqués about her glamorous showbiz life.
Don't believe for one moment that Su has been "resting" these past few years since the demise of her last great sitcom, Oh Doctor Beeching!
Her most recent letter to fans, posted in February 2004, found her in ebullient form after giving her Wicked Queen to adoring panto audiences in Reading.
On stage, Su was resplendent in a breathtaking red and black creation, topped off with a spectacular wig and “diamond” tiara.
“I wanted to wear it in Sainsburys,” confides Su, “but the producer had other ideas.” Probably for the best, eh?
Su rounds off her epistle by looking forward to a forthcoming run in from-beyond-the-grave comedy A Happy Medium, and entreats her loyal fans who might want to see her in the theatre: “Please, make yourself known. I'm sure we can enjoy a drink at the bar”. What reasonable person could resist the lure of a chinwag over a cointreau and orange with the woman who gave us the unforgettable Peggy in Hi-De-Hi?
No time today to reflect on Su’s run in “Vag Mon”, to share her moving essay on grief following the death of an elderly aunt (“Very sad. Luckily I have some snazzy black numbers at the back of my wardrobe somewhere”), or to relay her considerable delight at discovering Poundland in Lincoln (“I find it extremely orgasmic”). But you can be assured that we will return to those matters, and others, very soon.

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TANYA'S BLONDE HIGHLIGHTS

All the TV that's mad, bad, or just a little bit evil for TUESDAY. Our Tiny Tanya Turner ratings show just how low each show goes – the more Tanyas it scores, the more mental it is.
» EUTHANASIA! EastEnders, BBC1, 7.30pm
Kate pressures Den to put Chrissie out of her misery. A bit extreme, perhaps, but we can see her point of view. The question is, should it be lethal injection or a sack weighed down with bricks then tossed into the canal?
» SWEARY! Ramsay's Kitchen Nightmares, E4, 9pm
Another chance to see Gordon Ramsay get angry and say "fuck" a lot.
» ORDINARY! Average Joe, Channel 4, 10.50pm
New reality show in which a beautiful single girl is whisked off to an island paradise on the promise that it is populated by hot hunks. Unfortunately, when she arrives, it's filled with freaks, geeks and munters. Will she look beyond the superficial and find true love?
» Are we missing something great? Or even something rubbish – we're honestly not fussed! Click on the comment link below and tell us all about it.

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Monday, July 12, 2004

TANYA'S BLONDE HIGHLIGHTS

All the TV that's mad, bad, or just a little bit evil for MONDAY. Our Tiny Tanya Turner ratings show just how low each show goes – the more Tanyas a show scores, the more mental it is.
» DISCOMBOBULATED! Neighbours, BBC1, 5.35pm
Libby is back, and is not happy that her dad, Dr Karl, is practising his bedside manner on the scheming Izzy.
» EXTRACURRICULAR! Coronation Street, ITV1, 7.30pm and 8.30pm
We're delighted to see the frightful Cilla back in Weatherfield, and happier still that she is set to sink her not-inconsiderable hooks into Les once again tonight. The catfight in the Rovers when Janice finds out will be a beautiful thing.
» INTRIGUE! FILM: Outbreak, Five, 9pm
Diseased monkeys try to wipe out humanity. Or something.
» POINTY! 101 Things Removed From The Human Body
You will hope they are making it all up, but the programme makers promise that, yes, that man really did survive getting a load of nails shot into his head. And who would have thought you could live through having a swordfish impaled in your eyeball? Not us. Look away if you're squeamish or some kind of girl.
» Are we missing something great? Or even something rubbish – we're honestly not fussed! Click on the comment link below and tell us all about it.

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Thursday, July 08, 2004

IT'S ALL RELATIVE

Our US rubbish correspondent MarkNYC writes:
» Just as UK viewers are growing tired of Big Brother, the US version has just begun its fifth series.
CBS learned after the first year that the UK format does not work on the lazy American audiences who tended to vote off all the interesting people right out the gate. Instead, the game is now designed to pit the housemates against each other and make life for them as hellish as possible.
Each week there is a food challenge (a loss results in a strict peanut butter and jelly diet), a Head of Household competition (one person picks the two nominees), a veto competition (a chance to save a nominee) and an eviction. In between is a ton of general unkindness, scheming, alliance forming and bargaining.
This year, CBS has some new tricks to spring on the housemates in a format they are calling Operation Do Not Assume, aka Operation DNA.
Here are some highlights:
» Two of the house mates, male and female, are actually brother and sister but do not know the other even exists! Sadly, the odds of them having sex before they find out is slim.
» Two of the house mates have twin siblings. One of them will play the game tag-team style with their sibling and try to fool the other house mates! We hope it is cute Drew from Ohio who says in his bio: "Women have been distracting to me in the past - we'll see if that stays consistent."
» During the first food competition, Yoga instructor Holly chose to take $10,000 cash for herself in exchange for forcing everyone to eat peanut butter and jelly the entire first week. Her bio tells us her greatest fear is "That I will have to eat peanut butter and jelly for a week". It would be nice if Drew is offered $10,000 at some point to see if he can be distracted from women.
» Perhaps Drew could be distracted by Will, a 26 year-old registered nurse from Tupelo. Despite being quite obviously gay, Will has decided to deny this to the confusion of his house mates and "play the gay card" only when the time is right. He states in his bio: "I love a nice mind game, but I don't shy away from getting physical either (wink, wink)."
We'll keep you informed of any further exciting developments. Also, watch for a special summer edition of My Tivo Thinks I'm Clay soon, summarizing the lowest offerings of American television.

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Wednesday, July 07, 2004

DON'T IT MAKE YOU FEEL GOOD? YEAH!

Good news for fans of Erinsborough's original megalomaniac hotel owner - Paul Robinson is returning to Neighbours.
Stefan Dennis has signed on the dotted line and will start filming his dramatic comeback in around six weeks.
Those of you with long memories will remember that Paul was last seen heading for the airport in something of a hurry after he was rumbled for his part in a massive Lassiters-related fraud. Now the dust has settled, he will be returning to cause fresh havoc and misery for the residents of Ramsay Street.
It is not yet known if Paul's long-standing business partner, Mr Udagawa, will also be back, but we remain hopeful.
Our whoops of delight will turn to shrieks if the producers can trump Stefan's return with that of one or – please, God – both of the Alessi twins.

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FUCK ME FACTS!

What ho! Let's all prepare ourselves for some amazing things about Wednesday, July 7:
» It's 22 years since The Queen was woken by a strange man sitting on her bed. He asked her for a cigarette, but we don't think she gave him one. He'd have been better trying the Queen Mother.
» The first wife-carrying championships were held in Findland on this day in 1996. The eventual prize was 44 litres of beer - one for each kilogram of the winner's wife's weight.
» The BBC's first programme for the children began today in 1946. It was called "For The Children". The choosing of titles was a much simpler affair in those days . . .
» In 1971, a girl with golden hair - Agnetha Faltskog - married a chap called Bjorn Ulvaeus in Vernum, Sweden. Benny Andersson was the organist.
» Happy birthday to: TV presenter Bill Oddie (63), The Village People singer David Hodo (54), and Dr and the Medics musician Clive Jackson (42). Also celebrating is Big Brother 2000 contestant Darren Ramsay. He'll be 27.

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Tuesday, July 06, 2004

HIP TO HIP

The phones at lowculture towers have literally not started ringing since our incredible revelations last week about Rustie Lee's plans to stand for Parliament as a UK Independence Party candidate.
Despite this, we feel sure you want to know more about Rustie's plans for the future. And, although we frequently leave you wanting (sometimes for days at a time), this is not one of those occasions.
Aside from her lofty political ambitions, we are happy to report that Rustie is hard at work on her autobiography and some new cook books. And she has plenty of time for her writing, as she is presently recuperating after a hip replacement operation. The ever-valiant TV chef is not taking this lying down, though, and you will be pleased to know that she has been spotted out and about in Kiddiminster, walking with the aid of a stick, a mere six weeks after her op.
Her hip is not the only thing causing discomfort, though – Britain's role in the EC is still her main cause for concern.
"I accepted that Britain is already part of the EC," she told a local newspaper, "but we don't want to get any deeper in.
"I've put my toe in and it's cold."
Hopefully this cold is a purely political one, and not some unfortunate consequence of Rustie's new hip.

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TANYA'S BLONDE HIGHLIGHTS

All the TV that's mad, bad, or just a little bit evil for Tuesday. Our Tiny Tanya Turner ratings show just how low each show goes – the more Tanyas a show scores, the more mental it is.
» EXTRA-LOOSE! Loose Women, ITV1, 1pm
Two of entertainment's more desperate figures, Claire Sweeney and Jane Macdonald, make up the numbers on today's panel, bumping up this show's regular rating by at least one Tanya head.
» WHOOPS! Head Jam, BBC2, 7pm
We thinke we were supposed to write something about this on the website ages ago when they were looking for contestants, but forgot to do any such thing. Sorry if we have inadvertantly robbed anyone of their 15 minutes of TV fame. It's a pop culture quiz based around how much useless information people can store in their heads, and one of our favourite TV people, Paddy O'Connell, is one of tonight's guests. Hooray!
» INTRIGUE! Holby City, BBC1, 8pm
Holby's splendid new überbitch, Connie, continues to bewitch the stupid men of the hospital. This week, Rick is horrified to find that Zubin is falling under her spell.
» SOLO! Wife Swap, Channel 4, 9pm
This week's posh wife is in for a nasty surprise – her counterpart is a lesbian single mum, so she doesn't have a husband!
» Are we missing something great? Or even something rubbish – we're honestly not fussed! Click on the comment link below and tell us all about it.

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BUMMING: A CELEBRATION

Apologies for the absence of lowculture yesterday, but we were somehow sucked through a hole in the space-time continuum back to the mid-1990s, and it has taken us this long to find a way to return to the present day.
How can we be sure that we had been transported back in time by ten years? Well, we went along to the Big Gay Out bumming jamboree in London on Saturday, and found ourselves standing in a big field watching performances from Urban Cookie Collective, Robin S, Lindy Layton, Happy Clappers, Adeva and Ce Ce Peniston. If there's a more reasonable explanation than a big hole in the fabric of time for why we were enduring that ramshackle pack of old has-beens going through the motions, we would be very interested to hear it.
It wasn't all bad, though. We had special pink wristbands which gave us access to the VIP area - although the definition of "important" seems to have been broadened somewhat to encompass not just us, but also Sam Fox, the less-fit boy from Pop! and the blonde one out of V.
Also, these events are always a good opportunity to perv at assorted buffed-up homosexualists braving the inclement weather to strut around in their pants while trying to avoid catching anyone's gaze with their cold, dead eyes.
And with drinks at a reasonable £3 a go, and poppers on sale for as little as £2.50 a bottle, it seems mean to complain too much.
Did we feel proud? Not especially. Did we feel very drunk and oddly light-headed? Absolutely.
Job's a good 'un.

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CONFRONTATIONAL THERAPY

Elsewhere in London, some other gays were holding Gay Shame at the Coronet in Elephant and Castle, where the entertainment was even more lowcultural, unbelievable as that may sound.
For example, the braver slags could choose to venture into a box that was suspended in mid-air wearing a blindfold and, once inside, snog whichever other gay happened to be contained therein – with the happy event beamed onto a huge screen for the pleasure of the rest of the crowd.
And brave bummers could take a once-in-a-lifetime change to "Confront The C*nt". This involved going into a special booth, in which a rather game young lady was allowing any willing gay boys sporting rubber gloves to touch her Jemima, just to see what it was like.
There was also a candy floss stall – the queue for which was, presumably, considerably longer.

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CRIME AND PUNISHMENT

At last, Big Brother bad boys Jason and Victor have been banned from nominating their fellow housemates for eviction this week – raising the delightful prospect of one of them being unceremoniously hoofed out of the house on Friday night.
Big Brother has given the official reason for their punishment as 'incessant and illegal discussion of nominations' – Victor has broken the rules 36 times, and Jason has managed to chalk up 31 offences.
This BB retribution can't have come soon enough, in our book. It was extremely distasteful to have to watch Emma expelled from the house for her bad behaviour while that pair of cocks remained free to be as offensive as they pleased.
Incidentally, a poll on our messageboard to determine who is the biggest prick out of the two Jungle Cats (not, we hasten to add, who HAS the biggest prick) currently sees Jason miles out in front with at 66% of the vote, which seems fair enough to us.

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Monday, July 05, 2004

FUCK ME FACTS!

Another week, another resurrection of the Fuck Me Facts! Here are some amazing things about Monday, July 5:
» It's four years since Russian Roman Kunikov unveiled his gas-powered shoes, which could propel the wearer 13feet in a singles step, at 25miles per hour. Whilst wearing the Shit Me Slacks, we suppose.
» A nightclub in Somerset held an early Christmas Party for local firewcrews, hospitals and the ambulance service, because they would be working over the Christmas period three years ago. Nauseating enough to make you want to burn something and punch someone in the face.
» On the same day, a city worker was sacked after pictures of him having sex at Ascot appeared in the national newspapers. But was it with femme or filly?
» Oh, dahlins! Three years ago, two intruders broke into the Big Brother house and twatted about in the hot tub, confronting the housemates.
» It's half a century since Elvis made his frist commercial recording, That's All Right Mama, but only six years since Five's debut album hit number one in the charts.
» Happy birthday to: Shane Filan from Westlife (25), and Huey Lewis (54). It's also the birthdate of Etienne De Silhouette, the French minister of finance who gave his name to outline portraits. But he's dead now.

By Neil :: Post link :: ::  
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Friday, July 02, 2004

Democracy at work

Well, we don't know about anyone else, but we can barely sleep at night for worrying about the consequences of the government's agenda to forge stronger links with the EU. It's surely only a matter of time before all the main functions of national government are taken over by the bureaucratic institutions of Brussels, with all kinds of potentially catastrophic consequences for Britain's economy and prosperity.
Of course, what we really need in this time of desperate need is for more high-profile celebrities to come forward and speak out against the onward march of the EU superstate. Specifically, Rustie Lee.
Rustie – who optimistically describes herself as a TV chef, despite the fact that the last time she graced the small screen was to cook chicken stir fry for Anne Diamond in 1988 – has decided that enough is enough, and has joined the UK Independence Party. She now intends to stand for Parliament at the next General Election.
The Brummie chef and sometime Game For A Laugh hostess is furious at claims that Britain is pumping £25 million a day into the EC – that, says Rustie, is simply too much.
"This is money we could be spending on our pensioners, our health service, our education system. We should be deciding where it is spent," she fumed.
Rustie, it seems, has decided that the only way to smash the system is from the inside, and we wish her the best of British with her candidacy. UKIP bigwig Mike Nattrass, however, is less sanguine about her bold plans.
"We are delighted to have Rustie on board. But she will have to go through the selection process," he warned. Hardly the warmest of welcomes into the fold, then, but we feel sure that the staging of some kind of zany hidden camera stunt will silence even Rustie's most vociferous critics.

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AND ALICE KRIGE AS JOAN COLLINS AS ALEXIS

Dynasty, that most super of 1980s supersoaps, has been off the telly for years now, and many fans still mourn the demise of its fanciful frocks and ridiculous storylines.
There's little chance of a reunion, sadly – although the sight of Alexis and Krystle setting about each other with their Zimmer frames in the fountain outside the Carrington mansion does have a certain appeal.
But all is not lost, because production has just started in Australia on Dynasty – Behind The Scenes, a two-hour TV movie which will chronicle the increasingly ridiculous lengths to which the producers went in their attempts to keep the show at the top of the ratings.
The writers of the "film" promise that the truth is just as strange as the fiction – so expect everything up to, but not necessarily including, alien abuctions, buried Nazi gold, multiple Fallons and Moldavian massacres.
Who knows when we will get to see it here in the UK, but we will keep our eye on the Living TV schedules and report any developments soonest.

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TANYA'S BLONDE HIGHLIGHTS

All the TV that's mad, bad, or just a little bit evil for Friday. Our Tiny Tanya Turner ratings show just how low each show goes – the more Tanyas a show scores, the more mental it is.
» BIT PART! The Courtroom, Channel 4, 4pm
This new daytime drama series has turned up all kinds of interesting guest stars. Today, for example, Adele Silva appears, taking a break from getting her tits out in the Daily Star while saying she would love to return to Emmerdale if only they would ask her (which they haven't).
» HIGHER! Brucey double bill, Challenge?, from 8pm
Quiz show channel Challenge? is that little corner of the TV universe where it is forever 1987, with Buce Forsyth always on hand to inform the hapless contestants that they will be getting nothing for a pair (not in THIS game). Settle down to The Price Is Right at 8pm, followed by the mighty Play Your Cards Right at 8.30pm. And if you press your red button, you can play along with both! Just don't blame us if you have some kind of psychotic episode due to the excitement of it all.
» SHOTGUN! Will And Grace, Channel 4, 9.30pm
Grace is getting married! But it will be over Will's dead body.
» BANG! Buffy The Vampire Slayer, BBC2, 1am
Buffy may have bowed out months ago, but this is the first chance for terrestrial viewers to see the glorious final episode in its uncut form.
» Are we missing something great? Or even something rubbish – we're honestly not fussed! Click on the comment link below and tell us all about it.

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Thursday, July 01, 2004

TANYA'S BLONDE HIGHLIGHTS

All the TV that's mad, bad, or just a little bit evil for Thursday. Our Tiny Tanya Turner ratings show just how low each show goes – the more Tanyas a show scores, the more mental it is.
» COMPULSORY! Charlie's Angels, Five, 2.35pm
Did someone say "contractual obligation"? Farrah Fawcett-Majors makes a court-ordered guest appearance as Jill, bringing today's Angel count to a more than healthy four.
» SPOOK! Most Haunted, FTN, 8pm
Yvette Fielding hunts for poltergeists at Blackpool Pleasure Beach.
» YUK! My Big Fat Obnoxious Fiance, E4, 9pm
If you think the Big Brother housemates are a rum lot, wait until you get a load of this guy! The female contestant must convince her incredulous family that yes, she really is planning to marry a fat fool.
» Are we missing something great? Or even something rubbish – we're honestly not fussed! Click on the comment link below and tell us all about it.

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