Friday, April 18, 2008

Baby, I Swear it's Deja Vu

REPETITIVE! The soaps, various channels and times

We've noticed something rather annoying in soapland lately - they are all reusing each other's plots. Now we know this is common practice but we're far more used to them recycling their own (yes Hollyoaks with your incest, Neighbours with your infertility=baby, EastEnders with your sleazy teenage girl/dirty old man affairs). Anyway, here's your guide to the current soap plots, and where you may have seen them before...

Emmerdale currently has Laurel's potential babies-switched-at-birth storyline going on (with a DR MARSHALL, which was the name of the resident awesome all-powerful Neighbours doctor who came inbetween Clive Gibbons and Karl Kennedy), the like of which you may remember cropping up last year in both Neighbours and Coronation Street, the soap currently vying with EastEnders over which child of a controlling parent is the most batshit crazy - David Platt or Steven Beale?

Neighbours is currently being rocked by the SCANDALOUS teacher/pupil affair between Rachel and Angus. You may remember this plotline from such stories as, err Libby and Taj in Neighbours, Becca and Justin in Hollyoaks, Emma and, er, Craig McLachlan's character, in Home and Away and Michelle and Geoff in EastEnders (what do you mean storylines from the early '90s about university lecturers and mature students don't count?).

Home and Away is currently thieving from its Aussie neighbour in not-one-but-two-count-em storylines. Firstly, they have a very boring journo story with Belle, mimicking Neighbours' very boring journo story with Elle. (And Riley. And its previous ones with Scott and Libby and umpteen others). The other robbed story involves physio Sam giving a fatal injection to Johnny, in a sort-of-echo of Erinsborough's amazing FakeDoc story last year (and FakeDoc herself has rocked up in Summer Bay recently as another character. Coincidence? I think not?). Will Sam join the current line-up of soap characters perhaps getting away with murder? Hollyoaks' Warren looks set to join that elusive club, which also includes Paul Robinson from, yes, you guessed it, Neighbours.

And a mini-spoiler for next week's Coronation Street (skip to the next paragraph to avoid): according to my TV guide, 'Paul heads to the Police Station. Will he confess to the arson attack?' which, word for word, could be a summary of a Neighbours storyline not so long ago. They didn't even bother changing the character name.

Talking of not changing the character name, EastEnders has completely lifted the character and storylines of Clare from Hollyoaks and placed then in Albert Square. Let's hope she also gets to strut around in a red coat, cheat death in a red coat and fly away, head held high, in a red coat. Hollyoaks has also been attempting the soap-geek makeover (seen everywhere, but most famously in Plain-Jane-superbrain from Neighbours) on Elliot, with mixed results so far, it has to be said.

Even last night's rubbish 'Sean pretends Gus has eaten his dog. LOL!!11!!' story in EastEnders has echoes of the time Neighbours attempted to go multicultural with the Lim family and Julie Martin thought they, too, had eaten a dog.

Oh, and think The Archers is immune to all this? Think again. It's just had a rape trial, and we all know rape is the fall-back storyline option in Hollyoaks...

Labels: Coronation Street, EastEnders, Emmerdale, Hollyoaks, Home and Away, neighbours, Soap operas, The Archers, TV

By Rad :: Post link :: ::  
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Monday, March 31, 2008

Teenage rampage

CALAMITY! Neighbours, Five, 1.45pm, 5.30pm, 5.10 am; Five Life, 7.00pm

We are pleased to see that the writers and producers of Neighbours take the advice of lowculture seriously. We refer you back to December 10, 2007, when we gave them a list of tips to make the show better.

Our tips included:
» Axe Ned (we don't want to give too much away here, but... squeeee!)

» The Parker family (Ned aside) could have potential if they are actually rewritten a bit. Someone on the message boards commented that Dad Parker is trying to fill the nice guy role of Philip Martin, but doesn't quite achieve it. That's because Philip Martin had suffered being married to Julie, then seeing her die, and being dad to all those horrible kids. Then he married Ruth, who had a bit of sass, and thus was a good foil for him. So, we'd like to see Miranda (mum) Parker, either developing her Ruth/Susan/Janelle sass - which we feel is unlikely, seeing as in Neighbours, that sass is usually formed by being dicked over by a man and not standing for it - or, our preferred option, becoming the new Julie/Hilary/Mrs Mangel. The street needs a new busybody, and she could easily be it. Riley is decent enough eye candy, but he needs to take his shirt off a bit more, get screwed over by Elle Robinson and go all dewey-eyed with tears. And get a plotline. 'Didge' either needs to get over herself, fast, or die in a freak accident. (Seriously. We rocked this one. Every point ticked. Well Elle hasn't screwed Riley over yet, but surely it's a matter of time)

» All good Neighbours casts have a teenage gang. The current bunch of teenagers barely even speak to one another. Get them bonding, stat.

And it is to this last point which we now come. They have, indeed, bonded the group of teenagers (well, except Declan, who appears to have been missing in action for weeks), and added in new kids Josh, Jessica and Taylah to boot, as well as a ginger school bully. However, tonight's episode is the 2007 series finale. Previous series finales have included Lassiter's blowing up, the plane crash and other such death-ridden catastrophes. So what we are saying is that we hope you haven't got too much emotion invested in the current teen gang, OK?

You may have noticed that there is an ILLEGAL! DANCE! PARTY! taking place. And regular viewers will know that Neighbours takes a dim view of teenagers doing illegal activities, particularly if dancing, or sexing, or drugzing, or drinking might be involved. So let's just say this dance party is probably not going to go anywhere good.

With Rachel and her current-inappropriate-but-cute-teacher-shag-Angus, Zeke, Didge, Ringo, Declan (maybe?), Riley, Taylah, Jess, Josh, presumably the ginger bully, Elle and Riley (demonstrating mad undercover journalistic skillz), and, inexplicably, Libby and Karl all on the premises, will everyone make it out alive? And will anyone develop temporary disabilities that will magically go away in five weeks' time?

We're not saying. But if the producers are reading, we're still waiting for Steph and Toadie to have some kids, and for someone to go on that Cuba trip. You know it makes sense...

Labels: Five, Five Life, neighbours, Soap, soap death, TV

By Rad :: Post link :: ::  
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Monday, February 25, 2008

Libbin' it up

RETURNING! Neighbours, Five, 1.45pm, 5.30pm, 5.10am, Five Life, 7.00pm

One of the great things about Neighbours is that whenever a favourite character leaves, there is always a good chance you'll see them again. Even if they die. (See also: Home and Away, EastEnders, Emmerdale).
Tonight sees the return of an old favourite, Libby Kennedy. Libby comes back to support mum Susan through her trial and her still-a-mystery-but-not-for-much-longer illness. It's a good job someone in the family cares. Mal and Billy are both too busy being overseas, and Carytyre is too busy going out with Paul McClain to actually give a damn. Seriously, they could at least phone.

We're not sure what kind of job Libby will have, what with Riley being the new resident journalist and 'Fitzy' the new teacher, but there's still a doctor's position going, so maybe she'll have had yet another career change. However, all is not well in Libby-land. She and Ben (worryingly, he is played by the brother of the actor who plays Mickey, we thought we ought to warn you) are back, but where is Darren?

What this all means is that not only is Libby back, she's back with a bang, as the Kennedy-Smith-Kennedy-Smith-Kinski-Kennedy clan enter into some of their biggest storylines to date. Following on from this, can we have Lucy, Gail and RobRob back now please?

Labels: Five, Five Life, Libby Kennedy, neighbours, TV

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Monday, February 11, 2008

The Second Coming

ARRIVED! Neighbours, Five, 1:45pm, 5:30pm, 5:10am and Five Life, 7pm

Labels: Five, Five Life, neighbours

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Friday, February 08, 2008

Don't they know it's the end of the world?

GONE! Neighbours, BBC1, 2:10 and 5:35pm

Disclaimer: Forgive our shameless over-indulgence today. We are compensating for the absolutely ridiculous lack of attention that the national magazines, papers and websites have given to the biggest change in daytime TV for over 20 years.

On October 27, 1986, the world of daytime television was changed forever, when the BBC started showing a cheap Aussie soap to boost its daytime schedules. Originally scheduled at lunchtime and early in the morning, Neighbours was just something of a gap filler, a bit of fluff. It has already been cancelled once by its first network in Australia, and was being revamped by its new one. In those days, the BBC were quite happy to trailer their new import, though:



In the soap's early days, we were at primary school. We, like all schoolchildren, loved the illicit thrill of watching daytime television in the holidays. It was like a gateway to another world (and that sense of illicit pleasure never wears off, we still feel the same when we are at home during a weekday). It was during the school holidays that we discovered the joy of this strange new Australian show that was on the BBC. And we weren't alone. Everyone we knew at school was talking about it, and fortunately, so was another schoolgirl in another part of the country. Alison Grade, daughter of then-BBC1-controller Michael Grade knew the thrill of watching Neighbours in the holidays, and told her dad about it, suggesting lots of people (ie children and teenagers) would watch were it scheduled at a better time. She thus becomes one of the best people in the history of broadcasting ever.

On January 4, 1998, we were so happy we thought we might explode, as Neighbours moved from early mornings to its new home, the now legendary 5:35 showing. We remember forcing the whole of our family to watch the preview show, called something like Meet the Neighbours which introduced them to the legendary Helen, Jim, Paul, Scott, Charlene, Madge and co. We don't think it is overstating the case (much) to say that our nation changed that day. After all, where would Kylie's career be, and what would the state of the UK panto season be like without it?

By the end of the year, Neighbours was achieving ratings of around 18 million and carried on achiving 12-18 million viewers for several years to come. The wedding of Scott and Charlene achieved 19.6 million viewers and was probably one of the defining moments of our lives.
And despite the soap having been on at tea-time for several years, we never got over the excitement of watching it at lunch-time in the holidays or when we were off sick (a pleasure that has endured to this day). As Ceeb puts it: 'one of the best bits of school holidays was watching the afternoon showing of Neighbours instead of the traditional evening one. It made the soap feel a lot different and more special and happy (especially in the summer holidays if like me you stayed in on a glorious sunny day to see if Susan had gotten her memory back yet) even though it was clearly the exact same episode that would be on if you had tuned in at 5:35, you felt part of a special club that you couldn't be part of any other time of the year. Of course later in life you find out that that clubs other members consist solely of housewives, students, the unemployed and the drunk'. (And pensioners, Ceeb!)

When we were young enough to still watch Children's BBC, the scheduling of Byker Grove and Grange Hill (both RIP) and then our fave Aussie soap was a dream come true (and on the other days of the week, the Home and Away / Neighbours Aussie hour of greatness was also something of wonder), with the soap successfully bridging the gap between kid's and adults' TV: 'One of my favourite memories of Neighbours on the Beeb the relationship the evening edition had with CBBC and how they would occasionally discuss how the storylines were delightfully rediculous or perhaps get Ed the Duck to quack along to some of the theme tune to get you in the Neighbours mood (unless you lived in Northern Ireland of course where you left five minutes earlier for reasons never explained).' - Ceeb.



Its popularity with the kids also led to lots of cuts by the Beeb, including the removal of an incest storyline that beat Brookside and Hollyoaks by several years. Phil Redmond was obviously taking notes. The success of the show continued into the 1990s, with the introduction of popular characters such as the Kennedys and Toadie. Its ratings declined by the late 90s and into the 2000s (as did the ratings of everything else) but it remained a staple of our life, and the lives of a whole new generation, many of whom are at university now, born after it started and weaned on it from birth. It has always been just part of the routine for many British young people: 'My childhood weekday routine always consisted of school, CBBC, Newsround and Neighbours. There was never any question of whether we'd watch it or not, it was just always on' - Schmindie. Occasionally, the Beeb even promoted it:



How many of you shouted 'No Toadie, don't drive' at that clip, and at several subsequent occasions when he took to the wheel, with disastrous consequences? In the early 2000s, when the Beeb got all retro-tastic, Neighbours was also a staple part of I Love 1986 despite most of the clips being from 1988. We *think* there was some stuff on it in I Love 1988 too, mind.



The earlier part of the 2000s saw Neighbours go properly rubbish, with the introduction of a bunch of characters nobody cared about, such as Taj and Tahnee and the Hancocks. Who? Exactly. We even stopped watching it every single day, something that had never happened before (or since). Perhaps because of this, the BBC promptly forgot all about it and never trailed it again.

It soon got all amazing again though, with the introduction of Izzy, The Timminses, Valda, Mishka, Elle, Rosie and Frazer, the return of Paul Robinson, the plane crash and evil RobRob's reign of terror and the comletely bonkers 20th anniversary episodes which made us cry. Thrice:



Then, in spring 2007, came the darkest hour of our telly-watching lives:



As if the programme sensed our collective despair, it had a silly revamp and promptly got all rubbish again, but now it's starting to improve, in time for its move to five. We'll celebrate that occasion on Monday, but today we must mourn at the real end of an era: the end of Neighbours on the Beeb, and the end of Neighbours at 5:35 (5:30 doesn't quite have the same ring to it). We've got our box of tissues ready.

Labels: BBC1, neighbours, soap death

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Friday, January 11, 2008

Something's come along and it's burst our bubble

SERIAL DRAMA! The soaps, usual channels, usual times

It's been a while since we previewed most of the soaps, and by now they should all be in the throes of post-Christmas-near-apocalypse fallout so as there is nothing particularly exciting on tonight that we haven't already previewed recently, we thought we'd give you a little run down on where things are at with each of them.

In Doctors, the soap that isn't quite a soap, there is some tedious ongoing business, including some more on the *so wrong* affair between George and Nick, and a slightly more interesting patient storyline involving a woman stabbing her husband in the leg because she gets frustrated with a TV shopping channel. Now, that's more like it.

After its long winter break Neighbours is back, and we missed it so much that we have forgiven the fact that it hasn't been very good of late. Sadly, today's episode doesn't feature much in the way of Valda, or Frazer, or Harold, or Lou, or Susan (though next week Susan's illness - and yes, we know what it is, and we are also not telling - comes more to the forefront). It does feature the Barnes/Napiers, and the tedious plot involving Gus Cleary's made-up sister. But it's still more entertaining than life without it.

Home and Away sees the sexual tension between Jonah and Martha reach a climax (ahem) and also features a death. We won't tell you who. Meanwhile, in Hollyoaks, Micksy is still flirting with the absurdly young priest. We think she will be out of luck. Elliot and JP try more Rubbish Tranny pwning, which is always a good thing. And even Swimbint gets in on the Tranny pwning action today. We like that the writers have turned on him recently and realised how obnoxious he really is. The Barnes family are trying to come to terms with the fact that Bintmother Kathy poos in tupperware to taunt the neighbours, and in a move that will divide the opinions of the board, and of all Hollyoaks viewers, a new relationship is consummated...

Of the big three, in Emmerdale the Nicola/David storyline trudges on, whilst Val has health worries... Coronation Street is building up to the big events of next week, when one of the show's longest-serving characters bows out. Tonight, however, we see Kevin go to trial, Ryan go missing, and David potentially get some girl action. Surely that one can't end at all well? As for EastEnders, Darren's inexplicable rise into rubbishy EastEnders wide-boy type continues, and Ian's pushy parenting of Peter escalates. Take your bets on the outcome of this story, people. Will it be drugs? An eating disorder? Running away? A suicide attempt? Or emulating big brother Steven and creating awesome forms of Ian-torturing revenge?

Labels: Coronation Street, doctors, EastEnders, Emmerdale, Hollyoaks, Home and Away, neighbours, Soap operas

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Monday, December 10, 2007

Waking up the Neighbours

CONFUSING! Neighbours, BBC1, 2:10 and 5:35 pm

Now it's quite some time since we put Neighbours on the front page, and the reason it's here today is not by virtue of today's storylines (something about Rebecca, which is enough to make us reach for the gin, Oliver remembering his fit brother, thus forcing the audience to remember how much we preferred the fit brother, and something happening at the Erinsborough News, where Riley apparently works now although we recall no mention of this, ever). No, today's entry is our equivalent of Sugababes 'About You Now'. Except it's not a 'we let you down, take us back' kind of thing, more a 'you let us down, please go back to how you were' one.

Now, we have been friends with the good world of Erinsborough since the soap was only shown early in the morning and at lunchtime, and we could mainly only watch it in the school holidays (and on the subject of scheduling, BBC, why mess with our heads with this showing Neighbours and Doctors in the wrong order business? It's just plain sick and wrong).

We remember the teatime launch as being the greatest thing EVER. Well, up until Scott and Charlene's wedding. And the 20th anniversay stuff. So we have a very long history with this show (about 21 years, but let's not emphasise that fact, it makes us feel old) and we're not about to give up on the show. But we have noticed that it is in its worst period since the Hancocks were in it (a time when we didn't even bother watching it every day, it was so bad). In fact, it's so bad that we even get confused by it at times. And Neighbours should never, ever be confusing. We do know it can get back on track, though, because after that black spot in its history it went on to produce the fabulousness of Izzy, Paul's return, the evil twins and so on. But we want to encourage it back on that track as soon as possible.

So here are our handy lowculture suggestions for getting the magic back:

» Axe Ned. We need say no more.

» Bring back some of the past characters, either for guest stints, or long-term. Although don't go mad on this one. Top of our list would be Lucy Robinson, Rosemary Daniels for her obligatory every other year visit and the Alessi twins (plus Paul's son Andrew) for more evil twin based hilarity. And, of course, RobRob, who must return soon to cause havoc. Particularly if that havoc involves clearing out the cast of some deadwood as it did last time round. Good times.

» Axe the Barnes/Napiers. They are just terrible and we do not care. In fact, Rebecca inspires a bizarre loathing in us usually reserved for X-Factor contestants. And judges.

» The Parker family (Ned aside) could have potential if they are actually rewritten a bit. Someone on the message boards commented that Dad Parker is trying to fill the nice guy role of Philip Martin, but doesn't quite achieve it. That's because Philip Martin had suffered being married to Julie, then seeing her die, and being dad to all those horrible kids. Then he married Ruth, who had a bit of sass, and thus was a good foil for him. So, we'd like to see Miranda (mum) Parker, either developing her Ruth/Susan/Janelle sass - which we feel is unlikely, seeing as in Neighbours, that sass is usually formed by being dicked over by a man and not standing for it - or, our preferred option, becoming the new Julie/Hilary/Mrs Mangel. The street needs a new busybody, and she could easily be it. Riley is decent enough eye candy, but he needs to take his shirt off a bit more, get screwed over by Elle Robinson and go all dewey-eyed with tears. And get a plotline. 'Didge' either needs to get over herself, fast, or die in a freak accident.

» Get the old logo and theme tune back. And some proper credits, involving a hilarious game of cricket in which Zeke or Toadie or Karl smashes a ball through someone's window.

» Lou and Paul have about eight million kids each, so bring back one of these, and their children, to form a new family. Or bring back some Ramsays. We don't mind which, as long as they are written with enough warmth and humour that we CARE about them.

» Axe Carmella. Or at least make her a nun again, which was the only time she was interesting.

» All good Neighbours casts have a teenage gang. The current bunch of teenagers barely even speak to one another. Get them bonding, stat.

» Give Steph and Toadie a bunch of kids, stat. I mean, what else is their point? Someone needs to raise the next generation of Erinsborough brats, and it may as well be them.

» Neighbours always has the following plotlines on the go at once: a kerrazy bonkers OTT plotline involving death or bombs or stalkers or gangs or dunk hunters; a comedy plotline of misunderstandings, usually involving garden gnomes. Two community/family plots, usually one involving teenagers, and one involving older characters. Do not, ever, deviate from this formula.

» Finally, in a move of awesome self-referentialness (which the show normally excels at), send at least one of the characters to Cuba.

Labels: BBC1, neighbours

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Thursday, March 08, 2007

Don't it make you feel good?

NUPTIALS! Neighbours, BBC1, 1.40pm/5.35pm

If there's one sentence that strikes fear into the heart of any actor in Neighbours, we would imagine it would be something like "your new love interest is Paul Robinson". Because let's face it, for most people, this means you're DOOMED. It may not happen right away, but there's not going to be a happy ending. If even the formidable, much-missed Izzy Hoyland couldn't survive dating him, what hope is there for anyone else?

Of course, foak in soaps never listen to reason, and hence the scene is set for another soap wedding, and the doomed bride this time is the clearly outmatched Lyn Scully, who will be leaving the show shortly, presumably to the accompaniment of loud cheers coming from our messageboard. She's had a good run, all things considered: spawned several hellspawn children and the occasional nice one. Become a grandmother to a creepy-looking baby. Lost her husband somewhere along the way to a Sheila's Wheels advert. Obtained the requisite lesbian haircut. At this stage, what is there left for her to do?

Marry Paul Robinson, obviously. Except it's not going to work out, because he's already set his sights on Rosetta Cammeniti, with whom he shared some illicit passion whilst improbably locked in Lassiters' wine cellar (and if anyone can explain to us why you'd need a security code to get out of a wine cellar, we're all ears). He's made several protestations of the "I never even thought of cheating on you!" variety, which means he clearly thought of little else. Oh Paul, you scallywag. Don't ever go changin'. So Lyn's wedding is a-go-go, but will it go ahead - and if it does, how long will the marriage last? Our bets are firmly on the side of "not very long at all, at all", so we'll just sit here and begin our sort-of-fond-but-not-really farewell to Lyn Scully, and all who sailed in her. God speed, and if you could arrange for Steph to fuck off too in the not-too-distant future, that'd be super.

Labels: BBC1, neighbours, soap weddings, TV

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Saturday, December 23, 2006

One last thing

OK, I know we said we were taking a break, but this is too good not to share. Watch all the way to the end!



Observations:

1. Gail's wardrobe is fabulous.

2. Harold is still really fat, but looks thin by comparison to how fat he is now.

Labels: christmas, fat, gail, harold, neighbours, Soap, TV

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