Monday, April 14, 2008
China in their hands
RUNWAY! America's Next Top Model, Living, 9.00pm Labels: America's Next Top Model, Living, TV
What an odd cycle of America's Next Top Model this has been, what with Tyra's insistence on making everything green-friendly, the plus-size girl who really didn't look plus-size, the elimination of Heather, who many presumed would win the whole thing, in fifth place, then the elimination of house bitch Bianca before the final, leaving us in the unfamiliar position of being stank-free for the finale. Oh, and Saleisha's makeover. Nothing beats that for oddness: let's take a pleasant-looking if unremarkable girl and give her a pudding bowl haircut, assuring her all the while that it's high fashion when really she looks like a cross between a Beatle and Bob the Builder.
Nonetheless, we have our final three for this cycle in the form of Chantal, Saleisha and Jenah. And as we said right back when we previewed the first episode, we called the winner right from the very beginning, purely based on our understanding of how the show works after sitting through all eight damn "cycles". But assuming there are any of you out there who have managed to get this far while remaining unspoiled (and seriously, if you have: kudos, because we're beginning to think it's not humanly possible), we're not going to tell you who it is. Although we will admit that we don't always read this show as well as we think we can, because another of the girls in the top two is one we wrote off as fodder in the early stages. It just goes to show that Tyra likes to throw a curveball as much as the next person. A fierce curveball though, obviously.
This being the final, the hurdles that remain to be jumped are rather predictable: the three remaining girls have to film an ad for CoverGirl, so best wrap your brain up in some sturdy insulation lest you be hypnotised into believing that you too are in serious need of a peach-flavoured Wetslick. Following that there'll be one final elimination, and the top two girls will have a walk-off in a typically fake-looking runway show - this year with the added bonus of one girl accidentally knocking over a poor unfortunate Chinese extra on stilts. But who will it be, and will it cost her the win? We can barely contain ourselves, in much the same way that Tyra's dresses can often barely contain her.
Oh, and if you think this cycle was ass-crazy? Wait until cycle ten. Seriously.
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Tuesday, March 04, 2008
Tyrant Banks
FIERCE! America's Next Top Model, Living, 8.00pm Labels: America's Next Top Model, Living, TV
WARNING: We will be discussing, at length, the elimination from last night's episode of America's Next Top Model, so if you haven't seen it yet, or were planning to watch tonight and don't wish to be spoiled, don't read beyond this paragraph because we're going to give everything away. Okay? Don't say we didn't warn you. But do make sure you come back and read once you've seen the episode, because we're about to get on our soapbox about this and it will be a matter of great importance.
Ready? Okay.
So, if you're still reading, we'll assume that you watched last night, and you saw Top Model history in the making, where despite being the girl in the bottom two who got given a "fo-to" and a chance to continue, poor doomed Ebony told Tyra to shove her stupid-ass modelling competition sideways (okay, perhaps not quite in those terms, but wouldn't that have been great?) and for her trouble found herself on the receiving end of a ferocious Tyrade of the kind not seen since that time in cycle four when Tiffany had the bare-faced cheek not to cry when she got eliminated.
You want to see that again, right? Of course you do:
If there was one thing we learned from that clip, it's that Tyra does not like it when anyone implies that winning America's Next Top Model may not be the most important thing in the world, so perhaps Ebony shouldn't have been surprised by Tyra's reaction. It's interesting that in a season where the show fell over itself to appear understanding and sympathetic towards Heather and her Asperger's, they decided to completely ignore Ebony's obvious body image and self-esteem issues, and chalked them up to a "stank attitude" that needed a "high-fashion ass-whoopin'."
Indeed, you might argue that a girl with obvious self-image problems is probably better off not trying to be a model, and you'd have a point, which is probably why Ebony decided she'd be better off leaving the show. But Tyra disagreed: "I don't think this is about modelling," she snipped. "You know what I think? I think this is about you not being able to handle criticism. This is about you not liking it when people aren't telling you you're pretty. And the most unattractive thing in the world to me is a quitter. So with that, you can go." So presumably we can look forward to some kind of female empowerment special on Tyra's car-crash of a talk show, where she explains that it's far better to stick at something that is potentially psychologically damaging, than to leave while you still have your head together, and be that most satanic of all peoples: a Quitter. We've got to say: our love for this show has led us to handwave some seriously iffy mixed messages while it's been on the air, but this one was a step too far.
(Also, were we alone in noticing the irony of Tyra yelling at Ebony that she "can't handle criticism" when Tyra's meltdown seemed to be prompted purely by Ebony noting that Tyra's beloved show might be kind of stupid?)
The funny thing is, we weren't even especially big fans of Ebony (it's Jenah ftw, as far as we're concerned). We just felt the need to stand up for someone who was getting such a hatchet job at the hands of the show's editors, because seriously? That little montage at the end, showing Ebony's audition video, presumably in the hope of filling the audience with a righteous fury that this ungrateful girl dared to trick Tyra into letting her on the show when she didn't really want to be a model? All that made us feel was that this show needs a reality check. Guys, she quit. She didn't die. Enough with the morbid montage. We're not that easily led.
And seriously: when lowculture, of all sites, is telling you that you've officially crossed the boundary into being unforgivably tacky and crass, that probably means you have a serious problem. Maybe someone needs an inTyravention. (Sorry.)
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Thursday, February 28, 2008
Barrack O-drama
MILITARY! Army Wives, Living, 8.00pm Labels: Army Wives, Drew Fuller, Living, TV
Before you get too excited, this isn't the near-mythical ITV series from the makers of Footballers' Wives set on an army base and starring Zoe Lucker and Jeremy Sheffield. Though the two series may have shared a working title at some point, the ITV one eventually got titled Bombshell and mired itself in some kind of broadcast limbo where it looks unlikely to ever be shown in the UK. So, is this alternative semi-namesake a similar sort of guilty pleasure bonkbuster? Well, it seems unlikely, since it originates from America's Lifetime network, most widely known for moving stories of people coming to terms with terminal illnesses. So why is it on our front page? Well, simple. Drew Fuller's in it.
Wait, who? You might well ask. Certain members of the lowculture team (okay, fine, it's just me, but I'm writing this entry and am embarrassing no one but myself, right?) have been maybe a little bit obsessed with Mr Fuller ever since he appeared on season six of Charmed as Piper's suspiciously swishy son from the future, Chris. And what started as a joke where we bought DVDs of any of the terrible B-movies we could find that he'd appeared in is now perhaps less of a joke and more of the sort of weird fixation that's been raising eyebrows left, right and centre (for those with untweezed monobrows, obviously).
Anyway, this is one of those projects where he's lamentably not playing a oft-shirtless teenager of questionable sexual orientation (seriously, you must see Voodoo Academy, it's hilariously awful), but we're sure it'll still be worth watching. It must be doing something right, after all - it was LIfetime's highest rating season premiere in history, and has been picked up for a second series. Other actors of note over whom we are fractionally less obsessed appearing in the show include NYPD Blue's Kim Delaney and Sterling K. Brown, aka Supernatural's batshit crazy vampire hunter Gordon. And while we probably can't expect anybody's boobs to catch fire or any babies to be smothered to death in fake tan, it might well end up being a guilty pleasure in a fluffy Grey's Anatomy, Oprah-recommended sort of a way.
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Tuesday, February 19, 2008
Spot the difference
PARANORMAL! Moonlight, Living, 10.00pm
Picture the scene: there's this private detective, right? And he also happens to be a vampire. You're picturing Angel, aren't you? Nope, guess again. If you happen to be reading this site from Canada (hi there!), you might be thinking of Blood Ties. But nope, not that one either. Indeed, the vampire/PI genre is sufficiently well-populated to keep us guessing here all day (and really, who saw that coming?), so we'll cut to the chase: there's a new entry into the canon: Moonlight.
In this particular instance, the handsome and dashing (it says here) Mick St. John uses his supernatural abilities to help the mortals with their own variety of troublesome problems. He's accompanied in this enterprise by his bride and sire Coraline (played by Shannyn "A Knight's Tale" Sossamon, mischievous Josef (Jason "Veronica Mars" Dohring) and his new love interest, Beth Turner (Sophia "that episode of Doctor Who" Myles). And then every so often, there'll be a crossover episode with Buff - oh, wait, wrong show again. Damn.
Initial signs for the show weren't good, since three of the four main parts were recast between the original pilot and the full series, there were major creative changes, and the showrunner upped and left. TV history generally dictates that such action indicates a show is not long for this world, but it's held up surprisingly well with viewers in the US, so it might be worth a look. Just don't be surprised if you get a déjà vu...
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Monday, February 04, 2008
Tyriffic
SMOKY EYE! America's Next Top Model, Living, 9.00pm Labels: America's Next Top Model, Living, TV
If there's one thing we admire about Tyra Banks, it's her vast collection of wigs her impressive talent for self-promotion the way she screamed at Tiffany in cycle four her dogged determination that through this show, she will uncover a world-class modelling talent, despite eight seasons worth of evidence to the contrary. Unless we missed Jaslene's Vogue cover, or Naima becoming the face of Gucci. Anyway, Tyra's never been one to let repeated failure stand in her way (unless you count her abortive attempt at a pop career), so here she is with a ninth "cycle" of crazy bitches all competing to be Tyra's biggest kissass.
Tyra's experimenting a little with the audition format this year, as instead of holding them in a grotty-looking hotel in LA, this time Tyra's taking the 33 semi-finalists on a cruise ship, for high fashion on the high seas, or something to that effect. They're then forced to parade in front of Tyra, Ms J and Mr Jay, selling their dignity to the highest bidder, revealing all manner of X Factor-style personal traumas. Brilliantly, one of this year's hopefuls is named Spontaniouse. We're not even kidding. We won't tell you if she makes the shortlist or not, but damn. If nothing else, this show never fails in its bid to redefine what qualifies as an acceptable name for a person.
There's plenty of bitchery afoot even in the first episode, as Ebony tries to start drama by asking which of the girls has an eating disorder, and red-weaved Bianca from Queens picks a fight with anyone who stands still long enough. (In a later episode, she comes up with the best ANTM insult since "first of all, I didn't even know you were a bitch" by casually referring to another girl as "borderline plus-sized" in the middle of an argument.) Our big criticism, however, is that we guessed who the winner would be after watching the first episode, and we turned out to be right, so don't go expecting any big surprises. Unless you count a number of deeply dubious eliminations along the way - with episode six having the most distasteful elimination since...well, this:
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Monday, December 17, 2007
Runway for your life
FIERCE! America's Next Top Model, Living, 9.00pm Labels: America's Next Top Model, Living, TV
It's ANTM finale time again - hooray! Assuming you don't already know who won, this is a very exciting time. Unfortunately, as LoveMusic on the boards discovered, it's very hard to exist on the internet without accidentally being spoiled for the latest handful of Top Model winners. We not only know who won this cycle, we also know the winner of cycle nine, the finale of which just aired in America last week. Sigh. However, there be no spoilers here, so do not worry; we're just going to assess the chances of the three finalists. And talk about how amazing Dionne was. Wasn't she great? She was never going to win, but she was the most entertaining contestant in years. We have a .wav file of her trademark "what the hay-ell?" exclamation and everything.
So, our three finalists are Natasha, Jaslene and Renee. Perhaps surprising to some - we thought Brittany was a lock on for the top three, perhaps even the win, until she had that spectacular freak-out during the go-sees in Australia and blamed "the fucking cab driver", leading to her being the first girl in ANTM history who didn't get a single designer on the go-sees saying they would book her. That's not a record anyone is likely to be proud of. Equally, we didn't expect Renee to get this far because she was getting the obligatory "you photograph old" comments a lot at the beginning, which are generally considered a portent of doom. Also, she was a bit of a raging bitch, but then she calmed down a lot and has had quite a nice redemption edit, so she could totally be the surprise winner.
Jaslene, the charming but utterly unintelligible girl who claims to have been raised by drag queens, has been putting in a pretty strong showing. She's got a strong portfolio behind her and looks to be the girl to beat - but so did Nik and Joanie, and look what happened there. And finally we have the lovely Natasha, the Russian girl who insists she's definitely not a mail-order bride, even if no one entirely believes her. We thought she was being kept around for the hilarious culture-clash comedy and the obvious laughs to be gained from the language barrier, but she's proven herself to have serious model potential, even if she let herself down at last week's outback photo shoot.
As ever, the finale involves them all shooting a CoverGirl print ad and commercial, after which one girl will be eliminated, leaving the other two to stomp each other to death on the final runway challenge. Let the weaves fly!
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Thursday, October 25, 2007
The Grey agenda
SOAPY! Grey's Anatomy, Living, 10.00pm Labels: Grey's Anatomy, Living, TV
This is, unfortunately, one of those few occasions where we've decided to preview a show that we don't watch on any kind of regular basis. We dip in from time to time, usually when we catch the run on Five, but we are not up-to-speed on the events of season three of Grey's Anatomy as much as we should be. We did, however, think it was worthy of a mention today, so please forgive us any factual faux pas.
So! It's the end of season three, which means it's time for soapy drama to the maximum. There are a great many issues waiting to be sorted, such as: what will happen at Cristina and Burke's wedding? Who will be Chief of Surgery? Who will be Chief Resident? Will all the interns pass their exams? How will they explain Addison's absence so she can off and do her spinoff with Taye Diggs? Will Shonda Rimes realise that George/Izzie probably wasn't a great idea? And so on.
It would perhaps be fair to describe the responses to this when it aired in the States as "mixed", with some messageboards that we read featuring quite a lot of posts from people who swore they were "done with this show for good". Not that we're trying to unduly influence your opinion or anything, because the ratings for season four aren't exactly giving the suits at ABC any sleepless nights. Still, this is your last chance to get a fix of neurotic medical interns for a while, so enjoy yourselves...
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Tuesday, October 09, 2007
Promface
FIERCE! America's Next Top Model, Living, 8.00pm Labels: America's Next Top Model, Living, TV
Don't ask us how it happened, but somehow in all the excitement of recent weeks, we completely forgot to mark the arrival of a new "cycle" of America's Next Top Model. How could we be responsible for such an oversight? We can only apologise, and we trust that you've been making your appointment to view without us. And for those of you who missed last night's new episode, here's another chance to see it.
There's a sense of change in the air this year, since the benevolent Tyra(nt) Banks has selected not one but two plus-size models in her final thirteen, because real women have curves, y'all. Of course, "plus size" on this show still means "thinner than everyone watching" and you know damn well that neither of them will win, because eventually someone on the judging panel will just go "eh, she's too fat for couture" or something equally disparaging, and we'll be left with a bunch of skinny bitches as usual.
But! There's still quite an impressively motley selection of girls this year: early standouts for us, entertainment-wise, include Jael, who is so spacey we're surprised she manages to stand up unaided; Brittany, who is incredibly photogenic but also kind of complains a lot; Natasha, who may possibly be a mail-order bride and whose grasp of English is perhaps not the best (her standard response to criticism from the judges seems to be "I like this picture, I look nice, thank you, I am America's Next Top Model", or something along those lines); Jaslene, who claims to have been raised by drag queens; Renee, the token bitch; and best of all, Dionne. Oh, Dionne. The best thing about Dionne is the way she narrates the story of the episode in her confessionals, with frequent uses of the phrases "day-am" and "what the hay-ell"? And her main passion in life is actually dentistry. Dionne is amazing. (And this is even before she decides to change her name to Wholahay.) Give Dionne a spinoff!
This week, Tyra takes the girls back to school (assuming they all actually went there in the first place) to walk the runway in a prom-themed fashion show, after which they have a high school stereotype-themed fashion-shoot. It's perhaps not a vintage episode in itself, but the combined presence of Dionne and Natasha and their unique narration skills make any episode of this cycle worth your attention.
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Monday, October 08, 2007
For Pete's sake
NEW! Pete's PA, Living, 10.00pm
Hmmm. We were wondering precisely what Living TV were going to do to fill all those holes in their schedules that were caused by the Great Anti-Racism Jade Goody Embargo of 2007 (out of curiosity, is that still running? We assume so, but we haven't really been checking lately), and the answer would appear to be thus: they're going to reuse the formats and get someone else to front them. That is assuming that we're not being simplistic in assuming that Pete's PA will essentially be a new series of Jade's PA, only with Pete Burns instead of Jade Goody. We were kind of hoping for Naomi Campbell to be the replacement host, because that shit would've been unmissable, but this will do.
There was talk following Pete's appearance on Celebrity Wife Swap that perhaps he wasn't as confrontational as people expected, and that it rather ruined the fun of the format for people to essentially, minor disagreements notwithstanding, get on fairly well and have a bit of a giggle. With any luck, Pete will be significantly more unreasonable in this, even if it's only pantomimed for the cameras. Because we suspect that a show where competent PAs sit a few tests for a standard PA job without being regularly berated by the potential boss would not ultimately be compelling television.
So the obligatory first-episode footage involves Pete sifting through the various obsessive fans and camera whores and attempting to find someone who might actually be able to do the job properly (not that it really matters whether we believe the winner will go on to be his PA or not; we're assuming that most of us will stop caring the minute the cameras stop rolling, assuming we ever started caring in the first place, which remains to be seen), eventually selecting ten finalists. Seeing him delivering a few verbal putdowns to the more hopeless efforts should be worth tuning in for, we should think.
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Friday, September 14, 2007
So it's come to this: another selection box post
Labels: BBC2, Channel 4, Gethin Jones, Heroes, high school musical 2, ITV1, Living, Rugby World Cup, Supernatural, The IT Crowd, The L Word, TV
We find ourselves in one of those unfortunate situations where it's 11:57pm on Thursday night and we still haven't really found anything in Friday's TV schedule that compels us to write about it at length. This may be related to our having gotten all giddy earlier today upon learning that Gethin Jones will be taking part in the new series of Strictly Come Dancing and will therefore probably be wearing extremely tight trousers at least once. It was hard to focus on much else after that.
So, with apologies for the lack of focus in this update, let's have a quick flick through the things that you might be tempted by. Living's got a new episode of The L Word at midnight, marking Cybill Shepherd's first appearance as secretly bisexual (whoops! Spoiler!) new character Phyllis. Those of you with a keen interest in sport may be interested in the Rugby World Cup Live coverage on ITV1 from 7.30; those with no particular interest in sport may still just want to stare at the thighs. That's perfectly acceptable.
There's The IT Crowd on Channel 4 at 10.00pm, which rather amused us last week, and new character Ava in Supernatural on ITV1 at 11.00pm is treated to a vision of the future that enables her to see the inside of Sam's guts. We regret to report that his innards are not nearly as pretty as his, um, outers. And it's not tonight, but don't forget that BBC2 is running a catch-up of Heroes from the beginning tomorrow night and Sunday, if anyone's slipped behind.
To conclude, here's a terrifying deleted scene (or part thereof) from High School Musical 2 that we just can't stop watching on YouTube. We think it might be amazing, but we might never reach a definitive conclusion on this one.
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Wednesday, August 22, 2007
Don't have a cow, man
RURAL! Dirty Cows, Living, 9.00pm Labels: Dirty Cows, Living, TV
Let's admit this outright: we know very little about this show beyond what we've gleaned from the Radio Times and the sadly sparse amount of information on the Living website at the time of writing, but we've got to admit, this does sound kind of awesome in a ridiculous sort of way. Tara Palmer-Tompkinson, last seen romping to spectacular if slightly drunken victory over the likes of Colin Murray (ha!) in Comic Relief Does Fame Academy, hosts a contest in which ten citified ladies set themselves the task of winning the heart of a farmer.
Why? We're not entirely sure. Judging by the picture above, he is not exactly ugly, but this may not have been the sole reason behind their decision. It is, of course, entirely possible that they just fancied being on the telly, or perhaps they have actually exhausted all the other single straight men they could find and this was their only remaining option. Whatever the reason, they have chosen to do this and it is being televised for our delectation, so the only appropriate response to that is a resonant "hooray!"
In this episode, the girls arrive in Devon and proceed to ruin their manicures (and possibly their pedicures, depending on how incompetently they approach the task) by gutting fish in order to win dashing farmer Alexy's approval. Unfortunately this does clash with Heroes, but we'd be lying if we said we didn't want to watch this quite a bit.
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Thursday, August 16, 2007
Grey matters
MEDICS! Grey's Anatomy, Living, 10.00pm Labels: Grey's Anatomy, Living, TV
We've never really been that into this show; somehow it's a bit too soapy and navel-gazing for our personal taste (despite being the sort who watch a lot of soaps and gaze at our navels quite often). Having said that, we have some friends who never miss an episode, and since there seems to be bog-all else on tonight we thought we'd have a look at what's going on at Seattle Grace.
Prior to now our only real interest in this show was the fact that creator Shonda Rhimes wrote the fabulously awful Britney Spears vehicle Crossroads, and we still cling to that as an example of how things used to be as we hope that Britney will some day find her way back to the path of righteousness, in much the same way that we clutch our copy of Mean Girls while hoping the same for Lindsay Lohan. We could probably get a lot more done if we didn't waste quite so much time praying for the safe rehabilitation of wayward former child stars, but there you go.
So, this week: Izzie's memorial clinic for Denny opens, but isn't exactly a raging success. There are marital questions to be answered for George and Calley as well as Cristina (who is awesome, and frankly if we had our way the show would be called Yang's Anatomy, although that would rather spoil the pun), and Meredith's mother has a rare moment of lucidity - just enough to tell her daughter what a huge disappointment she is. We bet Meredith's ever so chuffed.
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Monday, July 02, 2007
Smile with your eyes
PORTFOLIO! Britain's Next Top Model, Living, 9.00pm Labels: Britain's Next Top Model, Living, TV
Hooray! Even though there are two cycles of America's Next Top Model every year, it's still never quite enough for us, so huzzah for the return of its less glossy British counterpart. Okay, so it has "non-terrestrial budget" written all over it - the attempts at creating a glitzy room for the judging panel in the previous two series were hilarious, and the quality of the photos is generally a bit iffy - but it's a chance to prove that British girls can be every bit as bitchy as their American counterparts, and do it with wonkier teeth to boot.
We've got 12 more model wannabes just itching to be told that they're too technical and need to learn how to tooch their booty - if you can't wait until tonight, you can have a look at them on the website. Our initial reaction is that they look like they have slightly more potential than a lot of the contestants in the previous two series, that Carley reminds us of a popstar that we can't quite pin down (it may be one of Frank), and that we really hope that's just an singularly unfortunate picture of poor Krystal because otherwise she's doomed from the start. Or maybe it's just the haircut, who knows?
Anyway, before one of them can emerge victorious as Britain's Next Top Obscure Digital TV Reality Show Winner, there are 11 people to cut, lots of photoshoots to attend, lots of challenges to win, and lots of catfights to be had. Hell yeah. Lisa Snowdon promised us (personally, no less) that there would be scraps galore, and we can't wait. Also: Janice Dickinson will be appearing at some point in the series. Yahoo!
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Monday, June 25, 2007
Spelling test
RENOVATION! Tori and Dean: Inn Love, Living, 8.30pm Labels: Living, Tori and Dean Inn Love, Tori Spelling, TV
Being deprived of Living in our household means that sometimes we drop the ball somewhat on truly momentous television events, hence our total failure to draw your attention to this show in time to catch the first four episodes. We believe the appropriate term here is "whoops". But still, better late than never, eh? We seem to say that rather a lot, though. Still, we got you here for the halfway point, so what more do you want? Blood?
We have a love for Tori Spelling that may go beyond what conventional society may deem "rational". A love that was only compounded by her ace and tragically unappreciated sitcom So noTORIous, the second episode of which is easily up there with the funniest half-hours of television it's ever been our pleasure to witness. Anyway, La Spelling obviously didn't spend too long being upset when the axe fell on it, possibly due to having other things to be upset about, like a well-known family tragedy that happened around the same time, but also because she signed herself up for this reality show featuring herself and her husband Dean McDermott attempting to set up "a hip B&B that is geared towards their generation". We don't know quite what they mean by that, but it sounds bizarre and awesome all the same.
This week is the grand opening of the bed and breakfast (see, we told you we'd get you here in time for the really important stuff), but given that the title of the episode is 'Too Pregnant' (oh yes, did we mention that Tori is about eight months pregnant at this point? No? Well, we have now), we're guessing that it doesn't go according to plan. Hey, we wonder if Farrah Fawcett is still her neighbour...
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Wednesday, May 23, 2007
Those who Canada, do
MORE! Canada's Next Top Model, Living, 8.00pm Labels: Canada's Next Top Model, Living, TV
Apologies if it looks like we're temporarily turning this into modelculture or something this week, but on the grounds that (a) there's nothing much on tonight that isn't The Apprentice or Property Ladder, and we feel as though we've written about them quite a lot, and (b) any variety of Top Model, even the cheapass British one, is always good value because skinny girls bitching at each other is fun in all cultures.
Despite not having seen any of it yet (as David mentioned last week, we've been moving house and have seen nothing outside of Ikea and B&Q for the best part of two weeks, but we now assemble flatpack furniture like nobody's business), we're already intrigued by the little snippets of model info available on the website. For example, Heather "works in a brush factory", Tenika "likes to speak her mind" (which marks her aside from every reality TV show contestant ever...how, exactly?) and Ylenia is "admired for her unique bone structure", although by whom specifically is unclear.
This week, the girls are putting on their first public show, but will they work it like the rent is due tomorrow, or will they just be a hot mess? Battlestar Galactica fans may like to note that the lovely Tricia Helfer hosts this series of the show, so you may want to make the most of her because apparently Tyra's right-hand Oompa-Loompa Jay Manuel, who we are sure did not get the job through any kind of nepotism whatsoever, will be her replacement in the next season. Bah.
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Monday, May 21, 2007
Abbey International
FIRST! Abbey and Janice: Beauty and the Best, Living, 9.00pm Labels: Abbey and Janice Beauty and the Best, Living, modelling, TV
Before we do anything else, we need to say a big "thanks very much" to friend of lowculture Diana (by which we mean she's an actual real-life friend of ours; it's not a euphemism for being homosexual or anything - at least not in this specific context) for texting us on Friday night and informing us in no uncertain terms that we needed to switch our TV to BBC1 right then because our glorious leader Janice Dickinson was on Friday Night with Jonathan Ross, bringing her unique variety of terrifying eccentricity to a mainstream terrestrial audience. If you didn't see it, you missed a treat (although it's already popped up somewhere on YouTube, for sure): she kept trying to get herself a job presenting the show whenever Jonathan is away (Peter Fincham, if you're reading this: MAKE THIS HAPPEN NOW), she told us everything we ever needed to know about the size of Mick Jagger's penis, she refused to listen to anyone who told her that Andrew Lloyd Webber and John Barrowman aren't actually boyfriends, and she strode back onto the set in a crazy (presumably drunken) rage like the astonishing Amazon that she is when John Barrowman made a crude sexual joke at her expense. What a woman!
This improbable-but-brilliantly-conceived series sees Dame Janice teaming up with a woman who has, quite impressively, become just as well known for being the runner-up in series two of Britain's Next Top Model as for being porked by robo-dancing footballing beanpole Peter Crouch - Abbey Clancy. The conceit seems to be that with the help of the self-proclaimed World's First Supermodel (and at this stage we need to drop the obligatory gratuitous plug for Janice's autobiography, No Lifeguard on Duty, which tells you how this claim to be and is an utterly amazing read to boot), Abbey can take the international modelling world by storm.
We've all seen the sort of "constructive" criticism that's typical of Janice from her time on the judging panel on America's Next Top Model (sample quote: "You look like you have a penis in this picture."), so we can't help thinking it's very brave of Abbey to take on so much one-to-one time with Janice. Especially considering that Janice was apparently overheard during the filming of this show discussing the ridiculousness of the media fixation with the apparent evil of size zero, and how her job would be a lot easier if Abbey could just get an eating disorder already. Anything involving La Janice is always a guarantee of entertainment, however car-crashy, so we cannot recommend this highly enough.
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Monday, April 23, 2007
CariDee (or Melrose, or Eugena) on Down the Catwalk
FIERCE! America's Next Top Model, Living, 9.00pm Labels: America's Next Top Model, Living, TV
If we can be brutally honest, we don't think we're going to look back on this series of Top Model as one of our favourites in the future. It's been fairly entertaining, but will never be one of the classics. (Cycle eight, now, that's a different story. That's shaping up to be quite awesome so far. We're not going to give out any spoilers, but so far Dionne is one of our favourite contestants ever.)
Also, in the top five, this show made one of the most idiotic decisions ever, when they decided to cut Michelle over Amanda in the twin-versus-twin elimination, despite everyone on the show seeming to be of the opinion that Michelle was the better model, because Amanda "want(ed) it more". And Michelle, bless her, rather impaled herself on her own sword for that very reason, because she's a good sister, but then of course Amanda went and got eliminated the week after anyway, so it wasn't a terribly wise move on Michelle's part either.
Anyway! We have our final three: CariDee, Melrose and Eugena. We think it's safe to say without spoiling things that Eugena is clearly not going to win, because she's only taken about one good photograph in the entire competition (although her Matador picture was brilliant, we freely admit) and has largely coasted this far purely on the basis that there's always been at least one girl who was slightly more inept than she was. So the real battle here is clearly between CariDee and Melrose. We've had rather a soft spot for Melrose, who's been shown as this season's bitch despite the fact that the other girls have been every bit as hostile towards her, as far as we could see. But will she win? Well, we personally think that CariDee's been telegraphed as the winner since about week three, but then she did accuse Nigel of having a stick up his ass the other week, and it never does to puncture the judges' egos, especially not at this late stage. This cycle boasts the dubious honour of having the most ridiculous final catwalk-off ever, with a ghost bride theme and a grand total of about six people in the audience. But who will be America's Next Top Glorified CoverGirl Salesperson? We're saying nothing.
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