Saturday, April 19, 2008
Double Trouble
COUPLES! All Star Mr and Mrs, ITV1, 7.05pm Labels: All Star Mr and Mrs, ITV1
We know most of you are busy watching I'd Do Anything at this time on a Saturday, but in the interests of fair play, we thought we'd mention the offering on 'the other side'.
ITV's latest addition to the Saturday evening schedule is a revamped version of 70s and 80s favourite, Mr and Mrs. Now you may wonder why this merits a full series, rather than just being another part of retro-games-fest Gameshow Marathon and so are we, but let's not get too far down the line of ITV scheduling as wearestill smarting over the Pushing Daisies debacle.
Anyway, the premise of this show is to test how well couples know each other (we vaguely remember liking this in the 80s but our main recollection is the bit where one partner puts on the headphones whilst the other answers questions. We're sure there is more to it than that, though.
Being the 21st Century and all, couples no longer have to be married to go on this show, which makes the title something of a misnomer. They may even let some of those pesky gays on to show how ultra-contemporary they are (but then again it's ITV so they probably won't). Tonight's "star" couples include Joe Calzaghe and, er, Mrs Joe Calzaghe; Bill Roahce and Mrs Bill Roache, and Lembit Opik and Gabriella Imira.
We are fully aware of the pitfalls of recommending this programme. We know it might be terrible. But Fern and Phil are presenting, and we love them, so it can't all be bad. Can it?
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Saturday, April 12, 2008
Anna Friel, like I just got home, Anna Friel...*
BRIGHT! Pushing Daisies, ITV1, 9.00pm Labels: ITV1, Pushing Daisies, TV
It's not what you think; I haven't found a way to post from the future. Not yet, anyway; it's just that I'm going to be away on Saturday, and I thought I could justify giving a little bit more airtime than usual to Pushing Daisies, given that it's one of ITV's most high-profile launches in ages.
Of course, Gossip Girl had a massive advertising push and it didn't really translate into bringing in the viewers in their millions, so it's very daring of ITV to push ahead with Pushing Daisies, which is arguably not even close to your typical ITV show, on a primetime slot on Saturday night no less. (I note with interest that it's directly after the series opener of Britain's Got Talent, so at least it stands to inherit a healthy audience, as long as it can hold onto it.) It's especially bold considering this is a show that's bound to be polarising: you'll either be charmed by its limitless sense of whimsy and innocence, or you'll be nauseated by all the pastel shades and the self-conscious tweeness.
Thankfully I'm in the former camp: I found the pilot episode enthralling. The show is utterly divorced from reality in every possible way, but it actually makes an asset of this - there's a sense that genuinely anything could happen on this show. For those of you unfamiliar with the extremely high concept: Piemaker Ned has an unusual gift, in that his touch can bring the dead back to life. But this gift has its limitations - if he touches that person again, they die permanently this time, and if he doesn't return the body to a dead state within a specified period of time, someone else dies in their place.
Ned's working in conjunction with a private eye, interrogating murder victims to collect the reward money, when he finds that one of the victims is his childhood sweetheart Chuck (short for Charlotte Charles, in case you were wondering). Having revived her, he finds he can't bring himself to let her die again - but this means any potential for romance with them is doomed, because one touch from Ned will kill Chuck forever.
That's what made the show work for me - that undercurrent of darkness that belies the kitsch visual style and the apple-pie sweetness. The show's cast is great too: Lee Pace is adorably awkward as Ned, Anna Friel captures Chuck's playfulness superbly and with a flawless American accent to boot, Kristen Chenoweth plays Olive Snook, the waitress with a doomed crush on Ned, Ellen Greene and Swoosie Kurtz play Chuck's oddball aunts (there's a fantastic visual gag involving Aunt Lily's missing eye, by the way) and my favourite character is Emerson Cod, the aforementioned shady PI, played by Chi McBride.
It's not going to be to everyone's taste, but I strongly recommend you give it a go. Just keep a pair of sunglasses next to the remote control, just in case a migraine kicks in.
*This joke is approximately eight years old, but I still couldn't resist using it. Sorry.
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Sunday, March 16, 2008
After skates
BOLERO! Dancing on Ice: The Final Skate-Off, ITV1, 7.00pm Labels: Dancing on Ice, ITV1, reality TV, TV
Perhaps it's just us, but it feels like this series has gone on for a few thousand years. Indeed, we're not entirely sure we can remember a time when Dancing on Ice wasn't on. It scarcely even feels like that scandalous early elimination of Sarah Greene was in the same series that we're still watching. Which is odd, because this hasn't been on any longer than, say, Strictly Come Dancing, and indeed it's been on significantly less time than your average series of The X Factor. Perhaps the issue is that on those shows, the contestants have to straddle different genres, be they of song or dance, whereas here it's just more ice dancing, every week, with a new move, or occasionally PROPS. Not that we don't enjoy it, but it gets a little samey after a while.
Nonetheless, we are excited for the final, especially since Gareth Gates fell at the final hurdle last week. We're not being unkind, and it's not that we don't like him as a person, but we always found his routines a little boring (although it was fun to watch Maria grimace every time he made a jovial comment about how well they got on together). We assumed there'd be some kind of national outrage over his unexpectedly early ouster, if only so the tabloids could nickname the whole affair "Garethgate", but if that happened, we missed it. We'd even put our necks on the line to say that we think the right three couples are in the final: plucky upstart Suzanne Shaw, hard-working but ultimately doomed Zaraah Abrahams, and presumably pre-ordained winner Chris "we're not worthy" Fountain.
Tonight there will be flying, there will be the Bolero, there will presumably be death-defiance if Suzanne has any say in the matter, and there will doubtless be floods of tears from judge Karen, who's been surprisingly restrained this series, at least in emotional outburst terms, so we can only assume she's planning to let it all out tonight. We can only hope poor Nicky Slater in the adjacent seat has remembered to bring his pac-a-mac and umbrella. And don't forget that the team over at Bitching on Ice will be covering the whole shebang in detail from start to finish.
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Friday, March 14, 2008
Gail force
PERIL! Coronation Street, ITV1, 7.30 & 8.30pm Labels: Coronation Street, ITV1, TV
We've come to the conclusion that staircases in soap operas are generally only there for symbolic purposes, since the vast majority of soap houses do not appear to have anything even remotely resembling a functional upstairs floor. Therefore it is deeply, deeply foolish for a soap character to make a point of doing anything on the stairs; it demonstrates utter genre blindness, because it inevitably means they're set to fall down them at any moment. If only they watched as many soaps as we do, they'd be aware of this.
Tonight it's the turn of Gail to take a tumble earthwards, having been rumbled by David for her part in Tina's termination of her demon spawn. Given that David has been a little bit on edge, to put it mildly, ever since discovering that he was almost terminated himself back when he was a foetus, this is exactly the worst thing for the ticking teenage time bomb to find out right now, so Gail gets an unwitting but violent shove for her trouble. This is why you should always have such confrontations on a nice level and soft-carpeted part of the living room.
The news of Gail's fall rather took us by surprise, not particularly because of the accident itself, but in terms of our reaction to it; we found ourselves feeling rather sad, since we're in the extremely odd position of having grown quite fond of Gail lately. David, sadly, does not share our feelings and chooses to panic and run off, leaving his mum for dead. Tsk. It's unlikely she actually is dead, of course, because that's the sort of thing we would all have known about months in advance, but we'll be tuning in tonight to see the dramatic fallout nonetheless.
If anyone's interested, we'll be having a lowculture whip-round later, in the hope of raising enough money to buy Gail a nice bungalow. Please give generously.
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Saturday, March 08, 2008
Guilty Displeasures
CRIMINAL!Guilty Pleasures, ITV1, 9.30pm Labels: aural assaults, dreadful telly concepts, Fearne Cotton, Guilty Pleasures, ITV1
Sometimes there are those concepts (usually ITV-devised concepts) that for a split second sound quite good, before you blink and then realise that, in fact, they are not good ideas at all. They are ideas conceived on a quiet day in hell.
One such idea is Guilty Pleasures. Based on the club night/website/radio brand of the same name, this show allegedly features songs you find 'guilty pleasures' sung by sort-of-cool-well-mainstream-actually-but-cooler-than-let's-say-Westlife artists (the likes of The Magic Numbers, bits of Supergrass, Sophie Ellis Bextor, KT Tunstall and, er, Craig David). There you go, that's the split second when you think it might be good.
Now the realisation. Firstly, the songs they cover are genereally either too-good-to-be-covered ('Beat It'), too bad-to-be-covered ('You're the Voice') or covered-too-many-times-already ('Islands in the Stream'). And, as, Lord Charles of Brooker points out, most of them aren't really guilty pleasures anyway - they are just not naff enough to qualify for that tag (John Farnham aside, possibly). Secondly, ITV-musical cover version extravanganzas are always, always dreadful. Especially The X Factor. Ba-dum-tish. Thirdly, it's presented by Fearne Cotton (although seeing as she is adept at massacring TV genres, maybe this will be the nail in the coffin for these shows).
There is already a thread on the forums asking 'Is this the worst ITV music extravaganza ever'? Of course, don't let us stop you tuning in - there is always some perverse value in car-crash telly, after all. But don't say we didn't warn you.
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Wednesday, March 05, 2008
Pop Idle
COMPETITION! Rock Rivals, ITV1, 9.00pm Labels: ITV1, Rock Rivals, TV
ITV1's new drama hope opens with an impressively convincing take-off of The X Factor, with one glaring omission: in around three minutes of show-within-a-show airtime, none of the contestants mention a dead parent, even once. You'd think they'd get such basic detail right, wouldn't you? Thankfully, order is quickly restored when that week's rejected contestant turns out to be a blind man singing a mediocre version of 'You Raise Me Up', though the Louis Walsh-alike (whose main act is Irish, you'll note) doesn't get a chance to say "the poor boy's blind!"
And so begins the series that we hope will fill the gaping hole in our lives that was left by the axing of Footballers' Wives. It's ballsy of ITV to risk another TV-will-eat-itself drama so soon after Moving Wallpaper and Echo Beach debuted to indifferent viewing figures, but at least this series comes with the pedigree (well, that's what we're calling it) of being from the makers of our aforementioned WAG-focusing favourite, and sets its cap squarely in the high camp arena from the word go. Case in point: one of the characters is called Jinx Jones. Another is called Sunday Gorgeous. And another is called Angel Islington. So if you ever spent any time in the company of Tanya Turner and co, however brief, you'll know what to expect from this.
It gets off to a good start, although this opening perhaps isn't batshit enough for our tastes - the big set piece involves Karina (Michelle Collins, doing her best Sharon Osbourne impression but letting the side down by the fact that her face actually moves) driving husband Mal's (Sean Gallagher) prized Ferrari into his swimming pool, but it falls a little flat, to be honest, and really could have done with a crazy nurse having sex with a comatose patient in the background, or perhaps someone liberally applying fake tan to a newborn. Although there is one moment that suggests a sick brilliance to come, involving show-within-a-show contestant Bethany doing something rather drastic on live television. We won't spoil it for you, but it does suggest that the producers haven't lost their sense of watercooler moments.
Also bubbling away nicely in the background is a subplot involving a delusional gay fan of hottie contestant Luke (another reality failure: all of these people are too attractive to be on an X Factor equivalent), who sits and eats tinned spaghetti hoops while talking to a blow-up doll with Luke's face attached. Cree-pee. Oh, and for those who miss the formidable agent Hazel from Footballers' Wives, watch out for the admirable Alison Newham as Bethany's pushy stage mum.
It's early days, of course, but the initial signs here are promising. We warmed to Crazy Bethany and Fierce Sunday in the opening episode, and forgave Michelle Collins's woodenness on the grounds that at least 50% of the cast of Footballers' Wives was made of balsa at any given moment, and rather than hampering our enjoyment, it often increased it. And apparently we get to decide who wins the show-within-the-show at the end of the series, which would be cool if we weren't secretly fearful that the eventual winner might be as rubbish as Leon Jackson. Please God, never again.
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Wednesday, February 27, 2008
Dex appeal
SPLATTER! Dexter, ITV1, 10.35pm
We've got to hand it to ITV1 - when they set out to reposition themselves in the marketplace, they don't do things by halves. Admittedly, perhaps the first phase of the plan didn't go so brilliantly, since none of The Palace, Honest, Echo Beach or Moving Wallpaper are really doing the business, ratings-wise. Phase II, however, where they steal the crown that's been variously held by Five, Channel 4, Sky One and Living over the years as home of the best US imports, might just be more successful - and to prove they mean business, they've bought Dexter.
It's not an obvious choice for ITV1 - while it's not like they shy away from grim 'n' gory television, as anyone who watches Trial and Retribution, Cold Blood or any of their ilk will attest, but this show is another matter entirely. Even lowculture's normally cast-iron constitution was shaken up during the opening sequence in which the eponymous hero - oh, by the way, he just happens to be a serial killer - calmly murders a paedophile. Seriously folks: we know that it's not uncommon for US imports to end up in graveyard slots like this, but on this occasion there's a very good reason this show is on well after the watershed. It is not for the faint of heart.
And yet, even though there is quite the selection of scenes here that you may end up watching through your fingers, we still heartily recommend it after watching tonight's opening episode. Dexter makes for an astoundingly amiable sociopath - whenever he hasn't got his murderous game face on, he's nerdily spinning around in his office chair (he works, brilliantly, as a forensics expert specialising in blood splatter analysis) and bringing his colleagues donuts with a smile. And since he limits his serial killing to those who truly deserve it, it's not difficult to root for him. The moment that really set the scene for us was the point during one of his opening voiceovers where he explains that both of his parents are dead (though he has no apparent desire to apply for The X Factor, weirdly), before quickly adding irritably "no, I didn't kill them", as though thoroughly used to answering that question to the people who habitually sit in on his innermost thoughts.
We're big fans of the supporting cast in this show, too. Angel's Julie Benz is almost unrecognisable as Dexter's emotionally fragile girlfriend Rita, and our absolute favourite character thus far is Sergeant Doakes, who, as Dexter puts it, "in a building full of cops, all of whom supposedly have an insight into the human soul, is the only one who gets the creeps from me." And he's not especially reticent about showing it, either. Dude is awesome.
It's a great watch, but make sure you've got the stomach for it. And if this all sounds a little full-on for you, don't worry: Pushing Daisies was also on their shopping list. That's also awesome, and not quite so much with the gore. Just pies.
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Wednesday, February 20, 2008
More meaningless industry back-patting
AWARDS! The Brit Awards 2008, ITV1, 8.00pm Labels: ITV1, The Brit Awards, TV
We're not suggesting for a minute that you should ignore the arrival of the marvellous Martha Jones in tonight's episode of Torchwood, and with it, the best episode of the series so far, but the annual airing of the British music industry's favourite excuse to give itself a big ol' hug at least deserves a mention of some kind, however muted.
As usual, the shortlist was greeted with the usual amount of scoffing and raised eyebrows (including one memorable lambasting from the Daily Telegraph's rock critic, which, as jobs go, would appear to have all the cachet of being Realism Advisor on Hollyoaks), the scandal this year being the unexpected selection of pop-themed nominations. Which basically means Leona Lewis and Mika are up for everything, and Girls Aloud got a surprise nod. Just think if they won: the plummeting shares in the guitar industry! Well, we can dream...
The event will be hosted by Sharon and Ozzy Osbourne, and recent tabloid reports have suggested the latter is threatening to strip naked, because he's wild and unconventional like that, and also it's possibly still 2002. But there's bound to be the odd talking point or two, given the event's history. Unless of course the invasion of pop kills the rock 'n' roll atmosphere and the most exciting headline turns out to be "Leona Lewis spills apple juice on expensive handbag", which is clearly what all the "serious music" fans are afraid of. Rock on everybody!
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Saturday, February 16, 2008
Fake Bake
CHEESY! The One and Only, BBC One, 7.30pm and 9.40pm Labels: Ant and Dec's Saturday Night Takeaway, BBC One, BBC1, ITV1, The One and Only
CHEEKY! Ant and Dec's Saturday Night Takeaway, ITV1, 8.15pm
We don't know whether The One and Only has had its life cut short early, or whether it was always destined to be such a short run, but tonight, folks, is your grand final. And there are FIVE-count-em superstar impersonators competing for the chance to appear in Las Vegas. Er, in a tribute act show. Wooop!
So who will it be? Fake Robbie? Fake Lionel? Fake Diana? Fake Dusty? Fake Frank? To be honest, we don't care, because we wanted Fake Kylie, who looked and sounded exactly like Sam Fox, to go through and confuse the Vegas crowd. If that's your aim, Fake Robbie is probably now the best bet. If you want the most convincing, we're not sure. Possibly fake Lionel, but his ego is a bit ridiculous for someone on a glorified Stars in Their Eyes. Anyway, Fake Frank will win, so it's all a moot point.
This series has been utterly bizarre, and whilst it has been a pleasure to see Carrie and David Grant judging again, we don't need to bring it back for a second series. Surely there can be other ways of keeping them gainfully employed. We actually always liked Fame Academy you know...
Anyway, from one show that celebrates all that is fake, to another. Except we are sure Ant and Dec's Saturday Night Takeaway will have recovered from its minor slap on the wrist for phone fakery shenanigans last year (after all, everyone else was doing it, why couldn't they?). We expect a little self-knowing joke/apology early on and then business as usual.
We've never really been sure about this show. It's alright, we suppose, perfectly reasonable Saturday night fare. But it doesn't seem to do anything that The Late Late Breakfast Show and Noel's House Party didn't already do. Drawing on that comparison, expect to see Ant and Dec fall out with telly bosses soon, go into hiding with a poorly-themed Byker Grove theme park, where you too can learn about the dangers of paintballing blindness, only to emerge trimphant several years later babbling some nonsense about the cosmos and presenting one of those game shows that appeals to students and the elderly.
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Monday, January 28, 2008
Taking the "fun" out of "funeral"
SENDOFF! Coronation Street, ITV1, 7.30/8.30pm Labels: Coronation Street, ITV1, soap death, TV
We know it's probably felt a bit like Vera overload on here over the week and a half, as a nation has cried and hugged and shared and learned and steadily tried to come to terms with its loss. And we make no apologies for this: we are, after all, dealing with a national treasure here. And if the Daily Express can still put Diana on the cover when she's been dead for over ten years, we think we're perfectly entitled to feature Vera for a few posthumous weeks.
There is, however, one final rite of passage for us all to get past, and that is, of course, the funeral. We can hear someone sniffling at the back already; there's a box of tissues here by the front, come and help yourself. Take some for later, if you like. It's time for the residents of Weatherfield, and in some cases Furtherafield, to gather together and give Our Vera the sendoff she deserves.
The death scene itself reduced countless fully-grown adults to tears, us amongst them, and while we may have got the bulk of our emotion out by now, we daresay there'll still be a few damp eyes as Jack and his close friends send Vera on to her final resting place (which we hope bears a striking resemblance to Blackpool - it feels only right somehow). And of course, this is the cue for prodigal son Terry to emerge from skulking in the shadows. Feel free to boo and hiss. We certainly won't be holding back.
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Saturday, January 26, 2008
Ice to see you, to see you...
COLD! Dancing on Ice: Make Me a Star, ITV1, 8.30pm Labels: Dancing on Ice, ITV1, TV
We won't take too long over this since we're still full of merriment from lowculture's fifth birthday (look how we've grown! Our clothes don't even fit any more! Only another thirteen years and we'll be old enough to vote!), but that doesn't mean we can neglect our duties in terms of pointing out the various televisual masterpieces we think are worthy of your viewing hours today.
Perhaps "masterpiece" is stretching it in this case, but this is a fine idea nonetheless: since Saturday night is just all wrong without some kind of big competitive shiny floor show (you'll note here that we're completely ignoring the existence of The One and Only, which we think is best for everyone), ITV have decided that, in lieu of the actual Dancing on Ice show, which is now on Sundays, there will be a spinoff, which will be equal parts behind-the-scenes preview and competition for amateur skaters to take part in next year's show. (Note: the second Strictly Come Dancing does any kind of stunt like this, we are so there.)
How exciting! But how will it all work? And what will they actually do? Buggered if we know, but we daresay we'll be tuning in to find out...
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Friday, January 18, 2008
Vera ache
Labels: Coronation Street, ITV1, soap death, TV
WEATHERFIELD GAZETTE DEATH NOTICES
DUCKWORTH
On 18th January 2008, suddenly at home, Veronica (Vera) Duckworth, aged 69 years, of 9 Coronation St, Weatherfield. Beloved wife of Jack, mother of Terence. Also missed by grandchildren Paul, Tommy and Brad, second cousin once-removed HM The Queen and family, Tyrone and Molly. Also missed by friends and neighbours. Funeral Service to be announced later. No flowers.
WEATHERFIELD GAZETTE CLASSIFIEDS
FOR SALE
Massage chair. One previous owner. Good for aches, pains. Other benefits included. May require a little rewiring depending on what happens tonight. Tel: 0161 715 8436
David
My formative years coincided with Vera's classic tight perm and nylon tabard phase of the 1980s, so inevitably during that time she became something of a second mother to me. Whether deciding on a tasteful façade for the home, dealing with wayward menfolk and their video dating tomfoolery, or overseeing the sale of grandchildren, Vera has been a constant source of inspiration. She even made stitching denim in a borderline-sweatshop seem fun. So in tribute I'll be spending Friday wearing a headscarf, clockwatching and gossiping non-stop. Vera, peace be with you on your journey to the Baldwin's Casuals factory in the sky and enjoy an eternity of nattering with Ivy.
Kellie
Far be it from me to sully the good name of Veronica Duckworth by bringing petty crime into the equation, but my abiding memory of Vera will always be the time when, during a period of severe poverty, she attempted to steal some desperately-needed nappies from Bettabuys by hiding them in the bottom of little Tommy's pram. She was stopped before leaving the store by friend, neighbour and supermarket manager Curly Watts, who promptly found himself in trouble for not waiting until she had left the store and actually stolen the nappies, and instead accosting her at the checkout when all they could do was accuse her of intending to steal. An unpleasant story, perhaps, but I think it speaks volumes about the high esteem in which everyone held Vera, that people would be willing to jeopardise their jobs, their careers even, to protect her from coming to any harm. It's a shame no one could do anything to save her from whatever fate she is set to suffer tonight. May her soul rest in peace.
Steve
The Great Illumination sleeps
The best that Blackpool never had
In Weatherfield, the pigeons weep
For walls of blue and yellow clad
Her spirit lit up every scene
As denim-stitch or publican
As bastard cousin of the Queen
Or keeper of Roy's frying pan
O Vera! Hear the pigeons roar
The kettle hiss and barrel thunder
Ascending to God's factory floor
Of light and love and Northern wonder
These cobbled streets have lost a great 'un
But know this as your train departs:
Your kidney lives on in Paul Clayton
As you live on in all our hearts.
Nick
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Sunday, January 13, 2008
Sunday: the new black
MULTIPLE CHOICE! Lots of Shows, Lots of Channels, Lots of Times Labels: BBC1, BBC2, BBC3, Channel 4, Damages, Dancing on Ice, Half Ton Mum, ITV1, Kingdom, Lark Rise, Liverpool 08, Louis Theroux, Phantom of the Opera, Robyn, Two Pints
Oh, the life of a member of team lowculture. You wait days for something interesting to write about, and then suddenly a whole bunch of shows come along at once. Tonight sees a veritable feats of LC-tastic telly, so much so that we're doing a bumper preview, the like of which hasn't been since here since, ooh, Christmas and New Year.
First off the blocks today (and possibly the most highly anticipated on the forums, not least for traditional sweepstake shenanigans) is Dancing on Ice, on ITV1 at 5:50 and 8:50pm. Much has been made of this appearing on a Saturday night, apparently too scared of The One and Only, but maybe ITV just thought if they slung this on the same night as TV Burp and Primeval, there'd be nothing left for the rest of the week.
Anyway, even if you haven't watched this before, exciting reasons to pay attention: 1) The judges have been joined by Ruthie Henshall, which gives this more credibility than it has ever had thus far; 2) The contestants include Suzanne Shaw, Tim Vincent, Samantha Mumba, Steve Backley and SARAH GREENE (who we wish could have done Strictly Come Dancing, but seeing as this teams her back up with Pip Schofield, we don't mind too much); 3) Some of the LC community have set up Bitching on Ice, a commentary blog, which will make it worth it even if the show itself proves to be less than ace.
After this (or rather, during the last ten minutes of filler), you should turn your attention to BBC1 at 7:40pm, where Lark Rise to Candleford continues the channel's current period drama obession. This is made all the more watchable because it features LC faves Liz Smith, Julia Sawhalha (fresh out of Cranford), Mark Heap, Dawn French, and, in a starring role, Olivia Hallinan. Frocks, hairdos and maybe even the odd bonnet - what more could you want on a Sunday night?
Well, you may be torn, because opposite this at 8pm on Channel 4 is the terrestrial premiere of The Phantom of the Opera. Addmittedly it's not all that great, and it shows up the flimsiness of the musical's plot in a way the stage version can almost camoflauge. But the songs! And after recent episodes of The X Factor and When Joseph Met Maria we will always now be replayng this in our heads with a starring cast of Lee Mead, Connie Fisher and Rhydian Roberts, something Andrew Lloyd Webber is no doubt working very hard to make happen as we speak.
And the TV goods keep on coming. On BBC2 at 9pm, we see the latest in Louis Theroux' occasional series of documentaries, Louis Theroux: Behind Bars. We have much enjoyed his recent documantaries on cults, gambling and liposuction, and his time in San Quentin prison promises to be just as entertaining, illuminating, challenging and heatbreaking. If you fancy something a little more cosy, then 9:20pm on ITV1 brings you the new series of Kingdom. We have never watched this, but it stars Stephen Fry, so it's probably a fairly safe bet. And if all you want is a bit of fairly average but occasionally amusing comedy, BBC3 brings you yet another series of Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps at 9pm. We have never seen a full series of this, only ever the occasional episode on BBC3 when there was nothing else on, so our understanding of the show's timeline is completely skew-whiff. We expect to watch the new series in much the same manner.
Still not enough for you? Well, More4 repeats the surprisingly touching Half Ton Mum at 10pm, BBC1 screens episode 2 of Damages at 10:30pm, BBC2 features the opening weekend of Liverpool 08 at 10:45pm and Channel 4 has a profile of Robyn at 12:35am.
Never let it be said that you're not spoiled for choice, people.
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Saturday, January 12, 2008
Prime(val) suspect
META! Harry Hill's TV Burp, ITV1, 6.30pm Labels: Harry Hill's TV Burp, ITV1, Primeval, TV
Christmas can be a traumatic time in many ways, but by far the worst experience we had to endure over the festive season was getting back to London only to find our TiFaux had steadfastly refused to record almost everything we'd asked it to - including the seasonal special of Harry Hill's TV Burp. To be looking forward to something for so long, and then to be denied, it's...well, it's not very nice, let's put it that way.
In light of which, we're extremely grateful to the sympathetic types at ITV who've seen fit to start the new series today, so at least we have new episodes to watch. Hooray! As well as all of the regular features we've come to know and love, including the pre-ad break "FIGHT!", the TV Highlight of the Week, and the random TV personality coming on at the end to sing a song, we gather we can expect a look over TV not just from the past week, but since the end of last series. Quite how they're planning to squeeze that into 30 minutes without having some kind of early-90s type moment where it's all played at lightning speed for us to rewatch later using a freeze-frame function, we're not sure. Either way, we can't wait to see what he made of The X Factor. Welcome back, Harry. Please never leave us again.
DINOSAURS! Primeval, ITV1, 7.00pm
People may be cock-a-hoop wherever you look on the internet right now over the return of Torchwood later this week, but we're just as excited about the return of slightly wonky but entirely loveable ITV sci-fi effort Primeval, which was most notable in its first series for endless gratuitous sequences of Hannah Spearritt dancing around in her underwear, and the general sense you got as a viewer that perhaps the show's "anomalies" (rips in the fabric of time) were meant to represent the gigantic plot holes that cropped up at least once per episode.
We started off sneering at it, admittedly, but we grew quite fond of it as the series went on. Sure, it had its flaws (and let's be honest, here: show us a genre series that doesn't), but it had a properly good yarn at the centre of it, which counts for more than you might think. We were left on a cliffhanger where dashing team leader Nick Cutter emerged from one of the anomalies only to discover that the world he was returning to had changed, perhaps forever. Presumably we'll be picking that thread up where it dropped off, and revisiting the time-honoured themes of dinosaurs rampaging in heavily urbanised areas, and sexy scientists toting large amounts of weaponry. Ahh, good times.
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Thursday, January 10, 2008
Stir of Echoes
SOAP! Moving Wallpaper/Echo Beach, ITV1, 9.00/9.30pm Labels: Echo Beach, ITV1, Moving Wallpaper, Soap, TV
It is no exaggeration when we say we have been excited about these shows FOREVER. Okay, maybe it's a little bit of an exaggeration, but we've been excited about them since they were first announced, which feels like a lifetime. It had better have been worth the wait. Echo Beach is supposed to be ITV's new soap, although the fact that the initial run is only 12 episodes somewhat belies that. Soapy drama, possibly, but there's no fun in having a soap with a set end point, if you ask us.
Anyway, it's so high-concept it almost hurts: Moving Wallpaper is set behind-the-scenes of a show called Echo Beach, following the exploits of a fictional production team lead by Ben Miller, who are all busting their figurative balls to create the best soap in town (geek fact: it's all based on Tony Jordan's real life experience of working on EastEnders). We then get to see the result in Echo Beach, presented in a programme in its own right, immediately afterwards. From what we gather, you can watch the latter without the former and things will still make sense, but to get any joy out of the former you really need to watch the latter. A bold move, and demanding a certain amount of viewer loyalty, but we admire their bravery.
When we first heard about it, Moving Wallpaper was planned as an ITV2 companion-type show, so the fact that it's now on the main channel and serving as a lead-in suggests ITV have got a lot of faith in this concept, which pleases us. We also love high-concept soap operas, and have never quite recovered from the loss of Night and Day, so we should be squarely in the target audience for this, and we really, really want it to work. Even if Martine McCutcheon is in it. But then again, Susie Amy is in both shows, playing herself as a casting-couch straddling strumpet (as "Suzie Amy", apparently) in Moving Wallpaper, which sounds a lot of fun. Please, gods of television. Let this be as amazing as we dreamed it would be.
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Wednesday, January 09, 2008
We've had our Phil
HOUSING! Relocation, Relocation, Channel 4, 8.00pm Labels: Channel 4, Honest, ITV1, Relocation Relocation, TV
As painful as this is to admit, the appeal of all of these property formats is starting to wear thin, since we've calculated that the price of the average house these days means we're unlikely to set foot on the property ladder until approximately 2034, and that's assuming the prices don't go up in the meantime. So forgive us if we're not all that excited by the prospect of watching a bunch of gratingly wealthy bastards look for a four bedroom detached house with a small forest out back for the children to play in and at least fifty miles away from any traffic noise. We'd almost rather watch ITV2 rerun the most allegedly lolworthy auditions from The X Factor for the ninety billionth time since Christmas. Almost.
Anyway, no matter how angry we may be at the housing market, we will always hold a soft spot for the eternally put-upon Phil and Kirstie, who have to spend a lot more time watching these people scratch their chins over precisely where to spend their £500k than we'll ever have to. True to form, tonight's show involves a couple who are looking to relocate to Devon, having both got new jobs and sold their previous home for a tidy profit. We will probably spend the majority of the show screaming "fuck off!" and throwing cream buns at the television, unless these people turn out to be particularly likeable. Which might actually make things worse.
CROOKS! Honest, ITV1, 9.00pm
This is not, we are almost certain, a TV adaptation of the 2000 film starring three-quarters of All Saints, directed by Dave Stewart, although it reminded us of it sufficiently to make us add it to our list on lovefilm to see if it really was as bad as everyone said it was (and before anyone asks, no we're not getting paid to link to that site. Honest). Instead it stars ITV's go-to matriarch Amanda Redman as the head of a family of crooks attempting to go straight. Hilarity ensues, we assume.
It'll be interesting to see how this one pans out, actually. Somewhat predictably, our heads have gone straight to At Home With The Braithwaites, and if it's as cheerfully deranged as that was, we'll probably love it. If it's all earnest and gritty, we might not. But we'll see how the first episode goes, and take it from there. Come back and ask us again in a couple of weeks, at which point it'll either be our new favourite programme, or we'll have forgotten it ever existed.
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Sunday, December 30, 2007
Big Fat Last Sunday of the Year
WIZARDRY! JK Rowling: A Year in the Life, ITV1, 7pm Labels: Big fat quiz of the year, Channel 4, Harry Potter, ITV1, jk rowling, shadow in the north, Shameless
QUIZARDRY! The Big Fat Quiz of the Year, Channel 4, 9pm
We have to say, in terms of books, 2007 was a disappointment. We didn't much rate the latest by Nick Horby, Alice Sebold or Armistead Maupin and we are still on the waiting list at the library for this year's Booker winner. Perhaps everyone else was too scared of the competition of Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, which at the time, felt like an event akin to the second coming. Or at least Kylie Who. Although now the moment has passed it's easy to forget all the fuss, as it feels so long ago (much like Christmas, really). The book itself created one of the biggest ever sweepy wins on the forums (because there were so many deaths, although not Neville, which we feel a bit cheated by as we were sure he was a dead cert) and a fairly mixed response, although we loved it.
Anyway, in a crowd pleasing move, ITV is giving us a fly on the wall documentary of JK Rowling's life as she finishes book seven, gets it published, is asked a billion times what she will do next, and outs Dumbledore. We don't imagine we'll get to see her reaction to not being made a Dame in the New Year's Honours, when Jacqueline Wilson was, though. Shame.
Whilst we are mentioning kids' books (or sort of), a quick nod to The Shadow in the North at 8:55pm on BBC1. Starring Billie Piper, it's the second adaptation of Philip Pullman's Sally Lockhart books. But we haven't read any of them, nor did we watch the first part last year, and a quick trawl of the forums shows no-one else seems to have, either. Still, it's there if you want it, and we know a few of you love some costume drama action.
The main event of the evening, and the one which will no doubt lead to the last mass drinking session in the chat room of 2007, is the annual Big Fat Quiz of the Year, where the token non-comedian, non-man this year is Lily Allen (we said it at Comic Relief, we'll say it again, there are plenty of female comedians out there, you know. Give some of them some work!), joining David Mitchell, Jonathan Ross, Rob Brydon, Noel Fielding and Russell Brand (wot no Myleene Klass, John Barrowman or Adrian Chiles?). We loved Noel and Russell on this last year, although they hadn't been on our screens as non-stop as they have been this year, so it remains to be seen if they are endearing again this time round, or if they've become annoying.
Nonetheless, this show always produces loads of laughs and is also a bit easier than the nasty quizzes you get in the newspapers at this time of year, of which we can only answer about 5%, so it helps us feel a bit superior.
This is followed at 11:05 by a repeat of the last episode of series 4 of Shameless in preparation for the new series, which starts on the 1st. Join us tomorrow as we preview it in our Old Year/New Year double bumper edition...
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Saturday, December 15, 2007
Your vote can make a Difference
FINALLY OVER! The X Factor, ITV1, 7.15pm Labels: ITV1, reality TV, The X Factor, TV
Oh, X Factor. Where did it all go wrong? This year you were the show that was talked about for all the wrong reasons, what with the vast majority of the acts that made it to the top 12 being utterly, irredeemably shit, the complete over-reliance on sob stories about people's fathers WHO ARE DEAD instead of contestants who can sing, knife-wielding zombie teenagers wearing blazers and berets, Sharon Osbourne throwing a strop at the end of the first live show because two of her acts were in the bottom two, Dermot O'Leary being utterly appalling at filling for time during the live shows, Sharon and Louis ganging up on Dannii Minogue like the nasty bitchy little children that they are...somewhere in the middle of all this ridiculously contrived "drama" you lost sight of the goal: to produce an entertaining show that actually finds a decent new pop act. Is it really any wonder people got bored and devoted their viewing loyalties to Strictly Come Dancing instead?
We've lost a lot of acts along the way, most of them barely memorable: brassy barmaid Kimberley was the victim of ITV's schedulers in the first episode after they moved the start time fifteen minutes earlier, meaning that most people switched on after her performance; then DILF Daniel got booted after a disastrous rendition of 'Build Me Up Buttercup'. Then the planned double-elimination got cancelled after Zombie Emily was discovered to be some kind of YouTube terrorist (and this from a girl WHO WAS BRIEFLY DEAD and therefore ought to know only too well the value of human existence) and withdrew from the show, then Futureproof lost the battle of the hastily-assembled-at-boot-camp bands against Hope. At this stage new girl Dannii, who according to Louis and Sharon knows absolutely nothing about the music industry and has never ever never had a hit record and has only just learned how to walk upright and has yet to be weaned onto solid foods, was the only judge with all of her acts left, so weepy Asbestos Andy was the next one to get booted after leaving it far too late to flash his washboard stomach at us. After that it was the turn of longterm bottom-two dweller Alisha to go home, the victim of one of nitwit Brian Friedman's many misfires of "creative" "direction". Following her was the booting off of Bellowing Beverley, much to the chagrin of mentor Louis Walsh, who clearly didn't receive the memo that the obligatory fat black woman never wins, or indeed the memo that she was rubbish and no loss whatsoever to the music industry.
Amidst rumours of backstage squabbles, and possibly because of the fact that only one of them could sing, girl group Hope were the next to go, and then in the sweetest of all possible eliminations right before the final, Niki (WHOSE DAD IS DEAD) got the boot after the public finally realised that Louis Walsh saying she was a brilliant and talented singer =/= her actually being a brilliant and talented singer. Farewell, you humourless old boot. Please take some time out to study the limitations of your voice; it'll be better for everyone that way.
This leaves us with three acts remaining to fight it out for the title, the first of which is Leon, this year's obligatory Jazz Twat, who is unspeakably dreadful, has absolutely no charisma, is of negligable talent and yet has never once been in the bottom two. Voting public, we do not understand you. It was bad enough that Ray came second last year, for the love of all that is holy. Alongside Leon in Dannii's category is Rhydian, the cavernous-lunged classically-trained singer with Max Headroom hair, who turned out to be quite a sweet bloke despite first impressions, but has been somewhat sandbagged by some uninspired song choices. He's the favourite to win, but we must ask ourselves: does the world need any more "popera" artists? Indeed, did we ever need any in the first place? We suspect not. Which leaves us with lowculture favourites Same Difference, a brother-and-sister duo from Portsmouth who are constantly cheerful, always watchable, and most importantly despised by Louis Walsh. Therefore a vote for Same Difference is a metaphorical kick in the teeth for that clueless grey git at the end of the table who couldn't win a battle of wits with an armchair.
Here, just to prove why they must win, is Same Difference performing the Scissor Sisters' 'I Don't Feel Like Dancing' in the fourth week of the competition:
Tonight, each act will sing a Christmas song, their favourite song from previous weeks in the competition, and a duet with a special guest star. Not that any of this matters, because whatever happens you should vote for Same Difference. Same Difference, Same Difference, Same Difference. We really cannot stress this enough. And if they don't win tonight, we'll probably be co-ordinating some kind of sabotage campaign on Monday to get everyone to download Mariah Carey's 'All I Want For Christmas Is You' to stop the winner getting the Christmas No.1.
Remember: every time you vote for Same Difference, Louis Walsh dies a little inside. We can think of no better incentive. (And if we can drop a shameless plug in, the team over at The Bitch Factor will be doing a live blog during both shows tonight, and imbibing dangerous amounts of vodka just to get through the evening.)
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Thursday, December 06, 2007
They're Bringing Sex(y)Back
Now, we're not suggesting anyone at LC would need the advice of this show at all, but you might have a 'friend' who does, eh? Nudge, nudge, wink, wink... OK, so that was a little lowbrow, even for us. But this IS an ITV1 show we are talking about, remember? Anyway, this latest offering promises to delve into the mysteries of what makes people sexually attractive, and answering all the important (ie cliched) questions, such as 'does size matter'? But this show is not about cheap titillation! Oh no! It has proper sciencey bits and everything. It even has a few renta-experts to prove it: Professor Richard Wiseman, a renowned, er, professor and, umm magician. You know him from such shows as BodyShock and Horizon (although we're fairly sure he's been on some less intellectual stuff than that. After all, we recognise him, so he must have been), Dr Jack Lewis (who looks exactly like the one of Dick and Dom with the brown spiky hair, so we don't believe he is an actual doctor) and 'relationships expert' Tracey Cox (who is dragged out on any programme with a vague lifestyle/health/sex/people fighting emphasis). Tonight's episode features a serious. scientific. experiment. involving some celebrities sniffing T-shirts with the pheremones of men, women and pigs on to see which they find most attractive (errr). And guess who one of the celebs is? Only Myleene Klass! We expect John Barrowman to also turn up later in the series seeing as the two of them obviously have some bet going as to whether they can each appear on every TV show broadcast in the year 2007 (and a few adverts too for good measure). Let's just hope we don't also see Owen from Torchwood or Sam from Hollyoaks turning up. We know what their way of getting more sex is... Labels: How to Get More Sex, ITV1, Tracey Cox
FILTH! How to Get More Sex, ITV1, 10pm
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Friday, November 30, 2007
Jungle Boogie
Labels: Christopher Biggins, I'm a Celebrity, ITV1, Janice Dickinson
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Saturday, November 24, 2007
Saturday Night's Alright for Fighting
Labels: BBC1, ITV1, Strictly Come Dancing, The X Factor
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Tuesday, November 13, 2007
What the well-dressed man is wearing
MASCULINE! Trinny and Susannah Undress the Nation, ITV1, 8.00pm Labels: ITV1, Trinny and Susannah Undress, TV
What the fark is this? It's political correctness gone mad, we tell you. Trinny and Susannah have, in their quest to get the entire nation looking immaculately groomed, given over an entire show to making sure that men know what they should be wearing. Men! Do they even know what they're getting themselves into? Do they not realise there'll be no naked boobs to grab? (Well, there might be, depending on the men in question.) What kind of fuckery is this?
Actually, it's not really that great a change, since they've been dealing with both genders on Trinny and Susannah Undress..., but it's interesting to see a show solely dedicated to showing men how to dress themselves, since they don't seem to get made as much. Not since Queer Eye for the Straight Guy went out of vogue, anyway. We've just been left to fend for ourselves, picking up our style tips from Ugly Betty and anything hosted by Ryan Seacrest.
But no more! Those of us who are still such fashion disasters that we pronounce "Versace" the way that Elizabeth Berkeley's character did in Showgirls have got help at hand in the form of everybody's favourite torso-touching ladies, who are introducing a dress code for men, so we'll all know the difference between a "brava!" and a faux pas. Of course, we watched Mean Girls again this weekend, so we know the rules: on Wednesdays we wear pink, we only wear jeans or track pants on a Friday, and we only put our hair in a ponytail once a week. We are so fetch.
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Wednesday, October 31, 2007
Hallowedding
TRICK? Coronation Street, ITV1, 7.30pm Labels: BBC3, Coronation Street, Drop Dead Gorgeous, Halloween, horny orange teenage sociopaths, ITV1, soap weddings, TV
TREAT! Drop Dead Gorgeous, BBC3, 9.00pm
Pumpkins! Satanic overtones! Stupid costumes! Going begging from door to door! Something about All Hallow's Eve brings out the romantic in Weatherfield residents, and who can blame them? It's two years to the day since Jason ditched Lovely Violet at Les and Cilla's shambolic wedding reception and threw it up Sarah, and the fairly happy, quite stupid couple are having a second crack at tying the knot. This being Halloween (and Coronation Street), there's at least one obstacle to the couple's long-term happiness in the shape of David, Sarah's demonic half-brother. Having been banished to the shadows after two years of increasingly sociopathic behaviour, culminating in the accidental poisoning of his wind-up niece with ecstasy tablets, resentful David's attempts to sabotage the occasion have left Jason on crutches and the feuding Platts and Grimshaws on better terms than they have been for years. With his father apparently uninterested (when IS Martin going to get dragged back into a David storyline?), his mother and sister refusing to let him near the wedding, and his serial killing dead stepdad doing the voiceover on the trailer for tonight's episode (nice touch!), David looks set to do something rash.
So, Monday saw Sarah destroy David's suicide note, firmly convinced of his ability for world class manipulation and certain that it was just another trick to ruin her big day. But, look! There's two people in fluorescent jackets at the church, and they're not the ushers (we assume), so something must be up. Possibly involving witchcraft or, at the very least, David's car and one of Salford's beautiful canal basins. Whatever the outcome of tonight's hour-long special, we can only hope that all involved will learn from their mistakes/trauma, take stock and grow into better people. Will Sarah learn to be sympathetic to her brother's problems? Will David learn to stop terrorising his family and being endearingly surly and offhand with the rest of the Street? Will they fuck. You've turned out two diamond kids there, Gail. Well, they can't all be Rickitts.
Further matrimonial delights are to be had over on BBC3 where, true to the spirit of the channel, a repeat run of the brilliant second series of Drop Dead Gorgeous starts barely a week after it finished. Murray's glittering civil partnership ceremony kicks off six turbulent weeks of sex, jealousy, knicker theft, death, deception, dognapping, relocation and, yes, more sibling rivalry for teenage model Ashley Webb, her supremely dysfunctional family and their friends. While blessed with a fantastic cast in the central roles (including Corrie alumni Lee Boardman and Kathryn Hunt as bitchy agent Murray and desperately capable matriarch Pauline), the second series' crowning glory is the subtle, touching relationship that develops between school canteen manager Val and sensitive headmaster Howard. Worth sticking with for six weeks just for their heartrending (yes, our heart really was rended/rent) scenes in the finale. And Murray's 'special relationship' with Ashley's nan, obviously. Bless!
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Wednesday, October 24, 2007
Allow us to be frank
MONSTER! Frankenstein, ITV1, 9.00pm Labels: Frankenstein, ITV1, TV
We're not normally the sort to sit around making allusions of the approximate level of a someone taking a GCSE English paper, but a change is as good as a rest, we say: in the original novel of Mary Shelley's Frankenstein, Victor pieces together a creature from offcuts of human flesh only to discover that it is not quite the sum of its parts and is in fact rather misshapen, ugly and volatile. Which is sort of what happens here, in this updating of the classic novel for a modern setting: some interesting ideas are thrown in, but the result is lumpy and unsatisfying.
There's an impressive cast list, to be sure (Helen McCrory, Lindsay Duncan, Neil Pearson, James Purefoy...and that's without even mentioning that it was written and directed by Jed Mercurio of Cardiac Arrest and Bodies fame) and the update works hard to be topical: Dr Victoria Frankenstein is working on stem-cell research in an attempt to grow a working human heart, because she has a desperately ill child who's a long way down the transplant list. While her attempts to save her son are unsuccessful, she does manage to grow a heart, and then figures why not try harvesting an entire human body's worth of organs, and hilarity ensues, obviously.
But for all the attempts to be relevant, it's a shame that it can't resist all the played-out horror clichés: woman is stalked by unseen, possibly malevolent, person while alone in house, random small child is killed by overcuriosity, lots of dimly-lit shots of sewers with the monster snapping necks, and so on. Perhaps with a bit more moderation of these it would've worked better, but in this form it just ends up detracting from any useful points that might've been made. It's still not a bad way to spend 90 minutes of your life, however - like we said, there are some interesting observations buried in there if you care enough to look, and Helen McCrory is great in the lead role - and even if you don't watch any of the rest of it, we strongly advise you to tune in during the final ten minutes for a clearly Bafta-worthy performance from a seagull. We'll say no more.
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Tuesday, September 25, 2007
Rough trade
SWITCH! Don't Call Me Stupid, ITV1, 10.00pm Labels: Germaine Greer, ITV1, Shane Lynch, TV
The latest in the line of life swapping series, this celebrity version is really managing to scrape the barrel. Still, Germaine Greer is always fun, which is quite a blessing since the woman has never in her life been able to turn down a request to be on television. Tonight she will match wits with Shane Lynch out of Boyzone and panto fame. You might be expecting Germaine to be teaching Shane some of the finer points of feminist theory and in return him giving a lesson on how to deflect blow job offers from pop svengalis. But you would be wrong!
Instead, Shane will have to pass as an expert on the "wild flowers of Essex" and Germaine will be taught Shane's passion for fixing cars. At the end, each will be quizzed on what they have learned and someone is sure to be declared 'less stupider'. We're not betting people, but we did see Germaine on television earlier this summer drafting up plans for Dubai-style skyscrapers on the Cambridge campus. Still, we'll probably end up blubbing over Gavin & Stacey's wedding on BBC3 instead. But good effort, ITV!