Wednesday, April 16, 2008

Let's hear it for the boys

GAYS! Desperate Housewives, Channel 4, 10.00pm

Despite being a prime contender for the gayest show on television (it's a three-horse race between this, Ugly Betty and Strictly Come Dancing, as far as we can tell), it's taken a surprisingly long time for any actual bummers to turn up on Wisteria Lane. There was Andrew, of course, but he seems to have been neutered ever since he got that personality transplant in the middle of season three. So it is with open arms that we welcome Bob and Lee, the first Desperate Househusbands, to the neighbourhood.

Susan's thrilled that her life has suddenly upgraded from CBS to Showtime, and wastes absolutely no time in running over to greet her new neighbours, proceeding to make an ass of herself in the way that only Susan can. Her initial attempts at claiming the role of Wisteria Lane's first fag hag fall flat after she mistakenly infers the presence of a third party in the relationship ("yes," mocks Lee. "We're gay Mormons.") and attempts to pass off shop-bought cookies as her own hand-baked goods. When these tactics fail to impress, she resorts to dognapping to get the new boys on side. We'd say it makes sense when you see it in context, but let's be realistic: this is Susan. Of course it doesn't.

Elsewhere, there's a delightful scene involving Edie's gynaecologist (the way he breaks the news to her that she has crabs is inspired), Orson does tricks on a scooter down Wisteria Lane, and Katherine's aunt Lilian returns home to die, and is played by one of our favourite actresses for any part involving an old lady serving as a plot point, Ellen Geer. The only downside to tonight's episode is a Tom/Lynette subplot which makes Tom look like a complete jerk, but at least he takes his shirt off. We're not made of stone, you know.

Labels: Channel 4, Desperate Housewives, TV

By Steve :: Post link :: ::  
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Tuesday, April 15, 2008

Frank 'n' sense

BIRTH! Shameless, Channel 4, 10.00pm

This series of Shameless has been a marathon rather than a sprint, though we're not about to say it isn't an excellent thing to see British dramas being commissioned for longer-running series like wot they do in America. Audience reaction to this series has been a little varied, with some thinking it's a series too far, others thinking that it's still a great show, just not the same great show it started out as, and still others thinking that it's been fucking great since day one, and if anyone disagrees I'LL FUCKIN' 'AVE YER. Sorry. Came over a bit Chatsworth there. Our opinion? We want more of Mickey and his "fook-shia" stretch limo. Just look at his little face up there! Bless.

We finish at a suitably climactic time for the first family of Chatsworth as a minor earthquake causes Frank to fall off his barstool and into a coma, and causes Monica's waters to break. Cue mayhem as Monica is determined to hold the baby in until Frank's by her side, and Debbie's determined not to let her know that Frank is unconscious in hospital. And while Frank and Monica have never been the most likeable characters in the history of television, this episode gives them both a chance to be a bit heartwarming; Monica's heart-to-heart with Ian is one of the best scenes of the whole series.

Meanwhile, we get a peek at the terrifying workings of Frank's mind while he's dead to the world, including Ian as a ladychasing wideboy, Debbie in a fat suit, Norma apparently dressed up for drag cabaret and a brilliant almost-return from the much-missed Sheila, though we won't spoil precisely how that presents itself...

Labels: Channel 4, Shameless, TV

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Sunday, April 13, 2008

(Ship)Wrecked for Success

CAST AWAY! Shipwrecked, Channel 4, 11.55am

Your Sunday lie-in has just gotten longer, with the return of Shipwrecked. As with the previous two series, it's going to run for months and each episode is going to be hours long. Today's opener is just over 90 minutes, plus a secondary show that lasts 35 minutes. That's over two hours of your day watching this show. Every week. To be fair, you probably spend even longer than that watching the Come Dine With Me omnibus on a Sunday afternoon anyway, so it shouldn't be too taxing.

For those that aren't familiar with the show, two teams of young and beautiful people spend weeks on end stranded on two desert islands. Each island has its own team, The Tigers or The Sharks, and they spend the coming weeks trying to recruit other members to their gang. The team with the most members at the end of the weeks wins. And, err, that's pretty much it. Although there's always the chance of them getting 'possessed' like LC forum user and Shipwrecked alumnus, Rory.

However, despite the tasks the teams take on being minimal, despite them repeatedly having arguments about rice, getting together and breaking up and the continued shouts of 'sharrrrrks' and 'tiiiigerrrs' and despite it going on FOREVER it still manages to be entertaining. We're not saying this has anything to do with the fact that they are all always barely clothed. But it might be.

Labels: Channel 4, reality TV, Shipwrecked, TV

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Thursday, April 10, 2008

A recipe for success

COOKING! Celebrity Come Dine With Me, Channel 4, 8.00pm

It's the moment we've all been waiting for (to clarify, by "we all", we mean "everyone who's unwittingly lost an entire Sunday afternoon watching the omnibus of the daytime edition on More4"): Come Dine With Me has achieved the Holy Grail of daytime television and secured itself a primetime slot. To say that we're excited by this prospect is a bit like saying David Platt is ever so slightly unstable.

If you're one of the unfortunate sorts who's yet to experience the show in all its glory, we'll explain the format for you, though please be aware that you really can't capture the brilliance of this series with the written word alone: a group of strangers from the same town are united for a series of dinner parties with each of them taking it in turns to play host, while being scored by the others out of ten, with the highest-scoring host of the week taking home £1000 for their trouble. But that's really only half the fun: the best parts are the bits where they get to snoop around each others' houses and judge people according to their material possessions, and some of the utterly insane cooking techniques and recipes (fruit coulis made by mixing jam and hot water?), as well as the people with severely skewed ideas of how to host a party, such as leaving people standing on the doorstep in the cold for daring to arrive five minutes early.

Admittedly the celebrities lined up for this edition are not exactly what you'd call A-list, but there's definite potential for hilarity here: It Girl Tamara Beckwith, pop star Lynsey de Paul, musician and owner of the UK's best publicised relationship downgrade MC Harvey, and one quarter of G4, Jonathan Ansell (just four contestants rather than five, the better to squeeze into the tiny 60 minute timeslot). We have no idea what's on any of the menus, but we wouldn't be surprised to see any of them whip out the classic ice-cream topped with crushed Maltesers dish, frankly.

Labels: Channel 4, come dine with me, TV

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Wednesday, April 09, 2008

Re: construction

BEENY! Property Ladder, Channel 4, 8.00pm

We've been hurt far too many times before, and we're not going to let it happen again: Channel 4 may be crowing about its new series of Property Ladder (and fair's fair, the house-that-Jack-built themed trailer is very cute), but our defences are well and truly up this time. We're not going to have our hearts stolen by promises of how it will all be different this time, how they truly respect us, how they only want to make us happy, only for it to end up the same way it always does: a handful of genuinely new episodes before the rest of the series is padded out with barely-concealed repeats with five minutes worth of previously unseen material tacked on to the end, leaving us with the sinking feeling that we've been led up the garden path. Again. Sigh.

It's not that we don't enjoy any opportunity to watch this show, of course - it's just that sometimes we wonder if we wouldn't rather hang on until there's enough material to make up a whole new series, even if it means that new series come around less often. After all, if we want to watch repeats, we can just flick over to More 4 and watch a whole row of them in one go - and at least then we're prepared to watch a repeat, rather than tuning in bright-eyed in the hope of seeing all new development fuckups, only to realise five minutes in that we've seen this one before. That way we'd really be able to get excited about a new series again, rather than thinking "oh, how nice. It's back again after about a three week absence."

However, we're not going to let this sudden attack of curmudgeonliness stand in the way of what is still good news: brand new episodes of Property Ladder, however small the quantity. There are few joys in this world greater than witnessing Sarah Beeny smile through clenched teeth as she listens to yet another prospective developer's hair-brained scheme about how ripping out the kitchen and replacing it with a home cinema system will raise the market value by 15%. And let's not forget the drinking game, where you take a swig every time Sarah's voiceover says "but I'm not so sure that's a good idea", and hope you can still stand by the time 9pm rolls around. God bless you, Dame Sarah, and your formidable bosom. As ever, you have the patience of a saint.

Labels: Channel 4, Property Ladder, TV

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Friday, March 28, 2008

"I was possessed on Shipwrecked!"

There's a new series of SHIPWRECKED coming soon on Channel 4 – great news for people who enjoy watching attractive young people marooned on a desert island, having arguments while not wearing very much.

It's the usual deal - two tribes battle it out to trouser the £100,000 prize money, vying for the attention of new arrivals and running around getting off with each other.

If you simply can't wait for it to appear on your telly, you can watch the opening show RIGHT NOW (yes, RIGHT NOW) at this website - the perfect opportunity to make snap judgements about who you like and dislike before your friends do.

We can't help but worry about the emotional health of someone who finds themselves stranded on a desert island for five months once they return to the real world, so we caught up with lowculture forum member Rory, who appeared on Shipwrecked a couple of years ago, to see how he fared.

"I was possessed by a spirit on the island!", he raved. "It used to be a leper colony where they were left to die. I was talking to my parents about it this week, and they agreed I haven't been the same since."

Blimey! And how has this sinister possession manifested itself?

"I started smoking more and became more promiscuous. Obviously the habits of a leper!"

Obviously.

Labels: Channel 4, demonic possession, Shipwrecked

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Wednesday, March 26, 2008

May the fourth (series) be with you

We are so giddy right now we are in danger of spontaneously combusting. We don't actually want to combust though, because then we'd miss the new series of Doctor Who, the finales of Ashes to Ashes, Torchwood and Damages, the continued aceness of Pulling, Gavin and Stacey and Rock Rivals, the start of Gossip Girl and the return tonight of The Apprentice and Desperate Housewives. But we ask you, seriously, how much excitement are we expected to take all within the course of one month?

SUGAR! The Apprentice, BBC One, 9.00pm and The Apprentice: You're Fired, BBC Two, 10.00pm

The fourth series of The Apprentice is an event in the lowculture that will probably only be equalled in terms of anticipation by the fourth series of Doctor Who. Already a sweepstake is under way on the forum and there is fevered discussion about the contestants themselves. The most intriguing/bonkers contestant is almost certainly going to be Nicholas de Lacy Brown, mind.


We don't know what this series will have up its sleeve to master the triumphs of the last three series ('I AM your boss', The Badger's house-selling, lips for sin, James selling wooly jumpers, Simon and the trampoline, titties and fish, cooking on a bean can, Paul Tulip being fired for being a big fat liar etc) although we imagine the scandals of previous series (Miriam's shock firing, Karen's shock firing, Naomi's shock firing), the unfairness of the finale (fierce contestant vs wet and dull and often incompetent contestant as they stage a rubbishy looking event. No matter what the result, the wet one gets hired) and the crapness of the prize (launching electronic beauty products, overseeing a computer recycling business doing what local councils do for free, err, managing a golf course or somesuch) will be consistent.

What we are really looking forward to, though, is watching Nick and Margaret (aka the voice of the viewer) as they purse their lips, look disapproving and come out with amazing one-liners, enjoying Sralan's put-downs and generally pouring scorn on all the contestants. If you feel the same, join some of your fave LC friends over on http://theapprentbitch.blogspot.com/ as we recap it week by week.

Oh, and don't forget the ruddy awesome The Apprentice: You're Fired straight afterwards

SPICE! Desperate Housewives, Channel 4, 10.00pm and Channel 4+1, 11.00pm

We feel so spoiled today. As soon as Sralan has finished (or half an hour later, if you watch You're Fired) you can tune in to another fourth series, this time a welcome return to those crazy bitches and, er, male bitches of Wisteria Lane.

Last time we were with Desperate Housewives everything had gone a bit awry. Bree was pretending to be pregnant with slutty daughter Danielle's baby, whilst Danielle herself had been packed off to the nuns or somewhere to hide out the rest of the pregnancy. Evil but awesome son Andrew was also apparently nice, so something very rum is afoot in the van de Kamp/Hodge household (and that's without going into all the crazy that surrounded Orson and his family).

Lynette had gone through the shock of finding out Tom had a secret daughter, being held hostage with, and witnessing the death of, mother of said daughter, opening a pizzeria and discovering she had cancer. Lynette can join our list of lovely, unfairly put-upon women as detailed yesterday, come to think of it.

Gabrielle was unhappily married to politician Victor and looked to be restarting her relationship with Carlos (yawn. Seriously, we don't like those two together at all.) via an almost relationship with newly returned, newly wealthy creepy Zach. Carlos, meanwhile had dumped Edie (boooo! They were so good together) and she had apparently committed/attempted suicide.

Finally, the biggest injustice of all was that Susan Meyer was still left alive, cancer free, with no fake babies to raise AND engaged to the lovely Mike. This show has no concept of karma.

Tonight's opening episode picks up the regular characters' plots from where they left off, and introduces a new family. Will they, like the Youngs and Applewhites before them, have a 'dark secret'? Well, what do you think...?

Labels: BBC One, BBC Two, Channel 4, Desperate Housewives, The Apprentice, The Apprentice: You're Fired, TV

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Tuesday, March 25, 2008

It's a shame (my sister)

DODGY DRUGZ! Shameless, Channel 4, 10.00pm

Shameless series five has had a bit of a bumpy journey. The transition from focussing on one family to two families to a whole community is a good one, but it has taken a bit of time to find its way. Some of the episodes this series have been great (last week's 'siege'), some less-great (we don't want any more gay incest, this isn't Hollyoaks). Tonight's, though, is a bit of a corker.

The focus of our attention is Mandy, who's been hanging around doing not very much since Lip went to university (and how come he never visits home? The students we know are always popping back for a weekend), so it's nice that she finally gets some proper screen time tonight.

Our Mandy is looking for a new man, but it hasn't been going swimmingly. finally, she meets a nice guy, it all goes well, and as frequently happens in these situations, he necks a dodgy Maguire-sourced E and snuffs it. (If this carries on, Mandy will be joining her Hollyoaks namesake, Tosh from Torchwood and Susan-Smith-Kennedy-Smith-Kennedy-Smith-Kinski-Kennedy from Neighbours on our list of much loved iconic drama/soap characters who are way too good for all the crappy the things that happen to them). Mandy, Karen and Jamie are left with a body to dispose of, and Mimi is left panicking that not only might she have poisoned dead bloke, Chesney Karib is also looking pretty rough and she thinks he might also have necked a dody pill....

This sets up a cracking tale (about a trillion times better than Hollyoaks' current 'drugz is bad m'kay' storyline), with some great scenes between Karen and Mandy, Yvonne and Mimi and Chesney and the Maguires. We see new, exciting friendships formed, and even Frank gets to have a moment of aceness.

Oh, and watch out for the end credits bit, which is also pretty good fun. More of this kind of thing please, writers. Thanks.

Labels: Channel 4, Shameless, TV

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Sunday, March 23, 2008

I am the resurrection

Easter is a day where we remember Jesus rising from the dead / celebrate the new life of Spring /eat lots of chocolate and feel a bit sick. - whichever (Christian/Pagan/err, other) narrative you choose to ascribe to this festival it's all about the new life, baby.

And it's a very special day for us here at LC towers. Not only are we back on the sauce after a Lenten abstinence, not only do we have TWO Easter eggs to tuck into (a Mini Eggs one and a swanky chocolate orange and almond thing) but we are also very excited because telly is brilliant on Sundays these days, and tonight is double-extra-super-specially brilliant and full of NEW! programming, as you will see...

SINITTA! Celebrity Wife Swap, Channel 4, 8.00pm

Tonight is the latest in the occasional series of Celebrity Wife Swap where two slightly 'eccentric' (read: barking) celebrities get to play partners. The usual narrative seems to be: place opposites together, watch the sparks fly, and let their long-suffering other halves have a really nice and relaxing week. However, our all-time favourite of these was Pete Burns and Neil Ruddock, where they refused to play ball and actually got on like a house on fire and it was all really ruddy marvellous.

Whatever your views on the format, though, you will want to join in tonight. Not so much for Bruce Jones, aka Les Battersby, but for his celebrity 'wife': SINITTA. That's S-I-N-I-T-T-A. Add the fact that he has been accused of racism to the mix, and we hope Sinitta will be dealing out some serious pwn-age. We dearly hope, though, that all the fighting and whatnot will be put aside long enough for us to get a guided tour of her walk-in fan room. She must have one, surely?

SIN! Pulling, BBC Three, 9.30pm

We know that debauchery is not exactly a Christian theme, what with it being a holy day and all (which: The Passion concludes on BBC One at 7.30pm. Although it's made a rather exciting story pretty darn dull, to be honest, with only Penelope Wilton's performance as Mary being anything to write home about) but this is like a little LC miracle.

We had been resigned to the idea that Pulling was dead, over, buried, gone, so long ago did series one seem. But, like Mary Magdalene at the empty tomb, we despair no more, for it is risen! And, following on from Gavin and Stacey at 9, it makes the best hour of telly you'll see until, oooh, 9pm on Wednesday night.

We don't want to reveal everything about what our heroines get up to in this episode, but rest assured, any sitcom that can shoehorn in side ponytails, drunken kitchen sex, watching An Inconvenient Truth whilst drunk, Soda Streams, curly straws, drunken Lithuanian sex, bizarre Fifth Element style outfits, drunken primary school sex (NOT with children, you'll be pleased to hear) and Juliet Cowan being filthy is fine by us. The only thing we are a little scared about is the presence of Paul Kaye as a recurring guest character. We still haven't forgiven him for playing that dodgy atheist former vicar bloke in EastEnders. Let's hope he makes amends for that, especially with it being the Day of Our Lord and all.

Happy Easter, everyone!

Labels: BBC Three, Celebrity Wife Swap, Channel 4, Easter, Pulling, resurrection, Sinitta, TV

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Friday, March 21, 2008

Darlings you were wonderful, you really were quite good

WEALTH! Dirty Sexy Money, Channel 4, 9.00pm

It's quite brave of Channel 4 to take another punt on a US drama about a dysfunctional upper-class family, since Brothers and Sisters kind of tanked last year and appears to be returning as an E4-only extravaganza, but really, the fact that they both focus on moneyed families is where the similarities begin and end. Brothers and Sisters was soft, gentle and soapy - good qualities for, say, Imperial Leather, but not necessarily the basis of compelling television. Dirty Sexy Money, on the other hand, is brash, glitzy, swift, and just a little bit sleazy. Needless to say, we love it.

Six Feet Under's Peter Krause stars as do-gooder lawyer Nick George, whose father was essentially the bitch of the Darlings, New York's richest family. Needless to say, this led to poor Nicky having the sort of woebegone childhood where he didn't see enough of his daddy, and vowed that he would not be like him when he grew up. This, of course, has the unfortunate side effect of making him a bit of a sanctimonious old fart. However! When his dad dies in a Mysterious Plane Accident^TM, partriarch Tripp Darling makes him An Offer He Can't Refuse^TM - he takes over his father's old job, and the family gives him $10 million dollars a year to do all the do-gooding deeds he could never afford when he was a bleeding heart attorney working for peanuts. It's a slightly contrived set-up, we grant you, but that's all taken care of within the first ten minutes or so, and we spend the rest of the hour meeting the many glorious fuckups that are the Darling parents and children, and that's where the fun really starts.

You might want to have a pen and paper on hand to jot down a rudimentary family tree to keep track of everyone and who they're married to/having an illicit affair with, but so far our favourites are alcoholic middle child Karen Darling, whose spacey lack of interest in her own life would be conspicuous, were she not actually one of the sanest children in the family; Episcopal priest Brian Darling, who has what we'll politely refer to as "anger management issues", and the pretty-in-a-coked-up-way Jeremy Darling, who wins a yacht off Ethan Hawke in a poker game in the first episode. It's an unusual choice for a Friday night, given that, while very funny in many places, it clearly isn't a comedy, and it lacks the slapstick throwaway element that worked for Ugly Betty in this slot, but we're quietly hopeful that it won't be completely ignored, Echo Beach-style, because on the basis of the first episode, it's going to be ace.

Labels: Channel 4, Dirty Sexy Money, TV

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Thursday, March 20, 2008

Karma'n over to my place

PROPERTY! I Own Britain's Best Home, Five, 8.00pm

Now we know there are a lot of you out there who like property porn (or more specifically, property porn with a bunch of foolish 'real' people and some clever and just the right side of condescending experts.... OK, property porn that features Sarah Beeny, Kirstie'n'Phil, Ann Maurice or Kevin McCloud) and we wondered if this new little show would be up your street.

However, despite I Own Britain's Best Home being trailered like crazy on Five at the moment, we couldn't find out much about it (they are adopting the Channel 4 tactic of not updating their website until after new programmes air, and stfu if you want to find out about them before they start to decide if they are worth watching).

We think the gist is that a bunch of people get to pose their houses up before the camera and we get to presumably laugh at their sumggery. We *think* there might also be some viewer vote action along the way. Sadly, we suspect the crazy house boat people from the last series of Grand Designs won't be featuring.

PRISON! My Name is Earl, Channel 4, 10.00pm

Well, this is a turn up for the books. After series two of My Name is Earl turned up a gazillion years after series one, we are quite surprised that series three has turned up so comparatively quickly. We're not complaining. We like this show a lot, and what with the writers' strike and all, there has been a dearth of US comedy on our screens, and seeing as Channel Four don't seem that inclined to show much home-grown comedy either at the moment, this is doubly welcome.

Last time we saw Earl he took Joy's place at her theft trial, and in this opening two-parter (part two next week! What sort of nonsense is this, Channel 4!), he is in jail. We presume some how he will get out next week, no doubt through a series of karma-riffic komedy kapers.

We have heard a few rumours that this opening episode isn't quite up to the usual standards of the series. We hope that a) that isn't true, or b) if it is, that it's just a blip. Thursdays have not been all that funny since Lead Balloon and Buzzcocks ended, and we could do with something to take their place.

Labels: Channel 4, Five, I Own Britain's Best Home, My Name Is Earl, TV

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Monday, March 17, 2008

Cooking up a storm

FOOD! Great British Menu, BBC Two, 6.30pm

Well, about bloody time. After all that schedule mucking about with Come Dine With Me and Masterchef, cookery finally returns to its rightful home of 6.30pm, with series three of Great British Menu. Whilst this series will never top the highlight of being a competition to prepare a feast for the Queen (and later being pwned by Her Maj on Monarchy: The Royal Family at Work), it is usually entertaining nonetheless.

FEAR! Hollyoaks, Channel 4, 6.30pm

The saga of Jake's descent continues tonight (remember when he was merely a loveable mother killer?) after Friday's suicide/child murder attempt. Is he dead, or like all bad horror movie villains, will he live to see another day? The horror movie angle Hollyoaks has adopted with this story has actually been quite effective, with several jumps and jolts along the way. What it has utterly failed to do, however, is treat mental illness or bereavement with any sympathy whatsoever. But this IS Hollyoaks so we don't know why we'd expect anything different.

Labels: BBC Two, BBC2, Channel 4, food, Great British Menu, Hollyoaks, TV

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Friday, March 14, 2008

Shameless promotion

Shameless is here for the long-haul. With an extended 16-episode series, we've still got a good few episodes to go with Series 5.

To celebrate, lowculture is offering 5 lucky winners a chance to win specially-designed Frank Gallagher t-shirts!

To enter, simply answer this question:

Which Maguire son is married?

Is it:
a. Jamie
b. Mickey
c. Shane

Click here to email your entry.

Shameless airs on Tuesdays at 10pm on Channel 4.

The prize consists of 1 large Frank Gallagher t-shirt each for 5 winners.
A winner will be chosen at random.
Competition closes at 5pm on 4th April 2008.
By submitting your entry, you accept the Terms & Conditions and Privacy.
Entrants must be over 18 years of age.
The winner will have 48 hours to respond, when a new winner will be sourced.

Labels: Channel 4, competition, Frank Gallagher, Shameless, Shameless competition

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Sunday, March 02, 2008

Daydream believers

CHEERFUL! Hollyoaks Omnibus, Channel 4, 10.00am
CHOONFUL! Hollyoaks Special: Summer's Got a Secret, Channel 4, 2.05pm

So, Hollyoaks finally said goodbye to Summer and OB this week, and just in case you missed the episodes, we heartily commend this omnibus to you as something rather delightful. Don't believe us? Check out these user opinions:

'Today's episode was the most amazing, feel good TV ever. OB got the kind of ending that poor old Mandy deserved. It's not often a soap, especially such a shit one, makes me happy in such a simple way.' - Xenomaniac

'It was still very touching and I may have cried a bit. I also quite liked the manly hugging at the end.' - Sparkle

'Max and OB's Big Goodbye is LOVE.' - Joel

'Awww, that was proper lovely. Such a fitting sendoff for OB. Even the Birdseye Botherer managed not to be annoying'. - Steven

What we are saying is that you will regret it if you don't watch it NOW (or on channel 4+1 at 11.00, seeing as we are writing this rather late in the day). Thursday and Friday's episodes are less good (warning: Valentines! Boob theft anger! Rubbish Tranny! Silly drugz Plot! Jake and Nancy! Swimbint being self-righteous!) but they contain glimmers of the immense Barnesey/Plankton/Micksy love triangle so are not all bad.

And Channel 4 are spoiling us this afternoon with Summer's Got a Secret which follows LC fave Summer Strallen as she moves from the soap to star in The Sound of Music. Best of all, it doesn't even clash with Come Dine With Me today, as that is on later than usual (4.00pm, More4). The publicity shots even promise added Auntie Bonnie Langford! Result!


CHOC-FULL!Willie's Wonky Chocolate Factory, Channel 4, 9.00pm

Now, this is a curious one. Willie's Wonky Chocolate Factory follows entrepreneur (isn't everyone one of those these days?) Willie Harcourt-Cooze, who wants to launch his own chocolate business. Only this business isn't just any old chocolate business - he wants to own the first company since Cadbury's to grow its own chocolate as well as to manufacture and promote it.

Naturally, we are expecting thrills and spills along the way in a Trouble at the Top kind of way, and the title was too good a pun for Channel 4 to miss. We are expecting characters, challenges and all the usual stuff you get in these kind of one-off docs.

But wait a cocoa-bean-picking-minute! This isn't a one-off doc, it's a four-parter. That must mean the footage was so entertaining they couldn't contain it within just one hour. Whether it will stretch to four hours' worth of material remains to be seen, but we reckon it'll be worth giving a whirl anyway.

Labels: Channel 4, Hollyoaks, TV, Willie's Wonky Chocolate Factory

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Friday, February 15, 2008

Summer days, drifting away

FOND FAREWELLS! Hollyoaks, Channel 4, 6.30pm

Every now and then, a good actor, playing a likeable character, turns up in Hollyoaks. Sadly, they don't always hang around for long. Tonight, we see the departure of Summer Shaw, played by Summer Strallen, as she goes to star as Maria in The Sound of Music. That's the character AND the actress, you know.

We have loved every moment of Summer's brief time in Hollyoaks. Her entrance when she established herself as being far too fabulous for HCC (and boy was she right) and befriended JP (briefly) was great. She floundered slightly with all that Rubbish Tranny flirting, but she soon spectacularly turned that round with a great bout of Rubbish Tranny pwning instead. We loved her never stooping to a low when Steph got insecure and bitchy. We loved her relationship with OB, and we loved the fact that she was planted in the soap by Andrew Lloyd Webber to up her profile before taking over from Connie Fisher in the West End.

So, whilst we are really pleased that she's going on to great things, we are very sad that she will be leaving Chester and making it just that bit more rubbish. Will OB stick to his guns and go with her, though?

In other plot news, the Jake/Nancy saga will hopefully reach a climax (perhaps a poor choice of word) after last night's nastiness, and the intriguing Elliot/Swimbint relationship continues to develop. We'd love it if, instead of the soap cliche of the geek being turned into a hunk, Elliot turns Sarah into a geek. It would at least stop her wearing hotpants in the middle of winter.

Labels: Channel 4, Hollyoaks

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Thursday, February 14, 2008

Lowculture vs. Cuoco, Round 2

"REALITY"! Big Brother US, E4, 9.00pm

We can't say we felt especially upset about the lack of Celebrity Big Brother this year - even the Big Brother: Celebrity Hijack on E4 left us feeling utterly uninspired, considering that by the time the finale was being promoted, we'd forgotten it was even on. And while the USA's Big Brother has always been the rather poor relation of its UK, erm, big brother, the phrase "any port in a storm" springs to mind. You may note that it seems to be on a little early this year - another side-effect of the writers' strike (which is now over, hooray!), causing network heads to scrabble for any non-scripted programme to put out rather than end up with a schedule full of dead air.

And since our chums across the pond are no less prone to tampering with an established working formula than we are, this year's competition is all about coupling up, so each contestant will be paired with a house "soulmate" (the show's subtitle is 'Til Death Do You Part', in a splendidly macabre sort of way). They stand for Head of House together, get evicted together, go to the toilet together (probably) - everything. And best of all, one of the couples is a set of gays! How very awesome. Even better, one of them "slept with his sister's cheerleading coach - ruining her cheering career." We bet she was S-A-D sad about that. So, excellent idea or transparent tokenism? Probably the latter, but we're sufficiently intrigued to tune in and find out.

"COMEDY"! The Big Bang Theory, Channel 4, 10.00pm

One of our crowning memories of bizarreness here at lowculture was the time when we previewed season eight of Charmed and found ourselves having to defend our opinions against a particularly zealous defender of bleached blonde talent vortex Kaley Cuoco. Anyway, we've sharped our claws and prepared for battle again, since our arch-nemesis has returned in a new sitcom about a hot girl befriending some nerds. Oh yeah, we can see how this one's going to go.

In fairness to Cuoco (ugh, we feel dirty just writing that), she started out in sitcoms and was generally agreeable on 8 Simple Rules, although we get the impression that her role as an airhead didn't require a whole lot of acting. So she's playing to her strengths, such as they are, because in this show she's cast as a beautiful bimbo (the producers claim the character is not an idiot; they are fooling no one but themselves) who moves in next door to a couple of geeks, the variety of which only ever exist on television or occasionally in movies, because they have no dress sense and talk about science fiction all the time. Hilarious, huh?

It's not doing too badly in the States, but its relative popularity is a mystery to us - we've watched a fair few clips of it on the internet and just don't see the funny, and it saddens us greatly that the lovely Johnny Galecki has been reduced to appearing in this show. And knowing the way our luck runs, it will almost certainly rate higher than...

TRAGEDY! 30 Rock, Five, 11.45pm

Our current favourite show ends tonight, and is bowing out with very little fanfare. It hasn't really done the business for Five, ratings-wise, and has been punished by being given the dreaded double-bill treatment (though this was an extra treat for fans of the show, when you think about it) and pushed later and later into the night, up to the point where only insomniacs and the truly devoted are likely to be watching. This show deserves so much better, and if The Big Bang Theory ends up becoming a smash hit over here, we may have to go around whacking the offending viewers with sticks until they see sense.

So, final episode, and things are not currently looking up for ol' Liz Lemon. Floyd's moved to Cleveland and she's attempting to maintain a long-distance relationship. Tracy Jordan is currently missing in action (this sounds like a job for the marvellous Dr Leo Spaceman), and Jack's set to get married to hollow-boned possibly fake British chippie Phoebe. Oh, and his sassy old broad of a mother is back in town.

We've loved this show dearly, and it truly saddens us that, much as in America, it hasn't had the viewing figures it deserves. But by the hammer of Thor, let's just hope we at least get to see season two at some point, rather than just getting left in limbo like we were with Big Love. Don't think we've forgotten about that, Five.

Labels: 30Rock, Big Brother US, Channel 4, e4, Five, our nemesis Kaley Cuoco, The Big Bang Theory, TV

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Sunday, February 03, 2008

Sitting pretties

HOT! Vanity Lair, Channel 4, 12.45pm

Some time ago, we asked on the messageboards "Why does Alexa Chung keep getting presenting work?" We've still not received a satisfactory response to this, but whatever voodoo she's been working to continually convince commissioners that she isn't an annoying bint with no presence or charisma whatsoever, it must be working - not only is she still on our screens, she was also featured in Broadcast magazine's Hot 100 recently. We did laugh when we spotted that she was only two places higher than the little girl from Outnumbered. (The aforementioned little girl was robbed, by the way, being far more charming and talented than Alexa Chung is ever likely to be.)

Not content with killing Popworld, appearing next to the increasingly irrelevant Ben Elton in the dreadful Get A Grip, and proving to all those who thought that the presenting talent for Freshly Squeezed couldn't possibly get worse than Sarah Hendy that they were in fact very wrong indeed, our nemesis is back, since those high-up at C4 have inexplicably seen fit to give Alexa yet another show - this time, a sort of Big Brother for people with really big egos. Well, bigger egos than the usual contestants, anyway. Scary thought.

The premise here is that a set of self-confessed beautiful people live together in a kickass mansion, and every week they invite an outsider whom they just to be suitably attractive to join them, at the expense of one of the current residents who is then evicted, with the person agreed as the most beautiful winning £10,000 at the end. The show claims to be examining what it really means to be beautiful, and we can only assume that in her role as presenter, Alexa will be examining what it really means to be loud, smug and pointless.

Labels: Channel 4, TV, Vanity Lair

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Friday, February 01, 2008

Box of Delights

The life of being a previewer for your favourite website is not easy, you know. Sometimes we look at the next week's TV listings, full of despair because there is nothing good to talk about that we haven't already previewed. And yet like buses, the law seems to be that you wait for ages for something exciting to come along, then it all comes along at once. Tonight sees such a ridiculous embarrassment of riches on the box that Steve and Rad needed to collaborate together (in a move that hasn't been seen since, oooh, Christmas) to get it all in. So get a cup of tea and a biccy and plan your evening with us....


RETURNING! EastEnders, BBC1, 8pm

It's good to see that Gemma Bissix's lucrative career of playing scheming bitches called Clare didn't end when she finally bowed out from Hollyoaks last year (and boy, does the show miss her. It's never the same without a good villain, and no, Jake Dean certainly does not count), as she reappears tonight in the TV alter ego we all knew before Clare Devine ever set foot in Chester: Clare Bates (née Tyler), in EastEnders on BBC1 at 8.00pm. Having been last seen as a rosy-cheeked schoolgirl heading off to Scotland with adoptive dad Nigel, she makes her entrance tonight in fine style - being thrown out of a car while wearing a skimpy dress and not looking not wholly unlike archetypal soap bitch-with-a-soft-centre Izzy Hoyland. Clare quickly reconnects with Dot, who's in dire need of a project at the moment, and then sets her sights on Ian, as everyone in the Square eventually does. Seriously, even the gays are going to be after him in a couple of weeks. When will this madness end?



ENDING! Jam and Jerusalem, BBC1, 8:30pm
We know that this series is never going to go down in the comedy annals in the same way that Absolutely Fabulous or The Vicar of Dibley have. However, we still love it, and it's a darn sight better than recent episodes of French and Saunders. This gentle, warm and still pretty darn funny series ends tonight when we see whether Tash will marry Spike. We'd like to see a Jam and Jerusalem wedding, so let's hope she says yes, eh?



SINGING! The Choir: Boys Don't Sing, BBC2, 9pm
We loved The Choir last year and we're very pleased to see it back. For the uninitiated amongst you, the series featured loveable, geeky and slightly hot choirmaster Gareth Malone (who has a touch of the Tennant about him, we think) in his attempts to transform a bunch of inner-city 'yoofs' into a choir to sing at the World Choir Olympics (if only they would integrate that into the ACTUAL Olympics, we would be so into that). This year, he's trying to repeat the same trick, only the 2008 twist is that it's an all-boys choir and they're competing in something at the Albert Hall instead. So there's a few echoes of The History Boys there, too. Only, we hope, without all the slightly creepy sexual undertones. This is your standard life-affirming fare, but none the worse for it.


JAW-DROPPING! Hey Paula!, ITV2, 10pm
Someone over at ITV2 has clearly broken into our top-secret personal diary, the one where we write our topmost secret telly wishes. While they couldn't quite see fit to give us "The Paula Abdul and Janice Dickinson Crazy Medicated Bitch Channel", they've done the next best thing, and got hold of Paula's very own reality show Hey Paula! to play directly after American Idol at 10.00pm. It doesn't take a genius to guess that the Paula in this show is Idol Paula, with the car-crash level upped by a factor of 20, so it will either be the greatest programme ever or the absolute worst. Possibly it will somehow manage to be both at once, thereby snapping the space-time continuum cleanly in two and killing us all where we stand. But let's hope not, eh?



COMPETING! Alan Carr's Celebrity Ding Dong, Channel 4, 10pm
If you're not a Paula Abdul fan, get the hell out of here and never come back. Sorry, that should read: "why not try Alan Carr's Celebrity Ding Dong on Channel 4 at 10.00pm instead?" - our mistake. We've read an interview with Alan Carr, seen a few trailers and looked at the listings, and yet we're still not really sure how on earth this show works, except that it pits celebrities versus civilians (no doubt inspired by Liz Hurley's famous clanger about the vast chasm between the two species) in a series of zany questions. It's got legs, certainly, but we'll wait until after the first episode before our final judgement.


REMINISCING! The Law of the Playground, Channel 4, 10:30pm
There was a time at the end of the last decade and the start of this one when you couldn't turn on your telly without a bunch of talking heads babbling on about the wonders of growing up in the 70s and 80s. Which was fine, because we all know that any conversation between 20 or 30 somethings always turns to the things of our childhood in the end. But there are only so many conversations you can have about all things retro before you get all meta and starthaving retrospectives of the retrospectives and the aforementioned space-time continuum comes and gets us. So what we are trying to say is that we are quite surprised to seeThe Law of the Playground returning for a second series. Perhaps Channel 4 decided it had been long enough without a nostalgia-fest that they could get away with it (or perhaps they were just desperate for some cheap filler whilst they wait for new episodes of Ugly Betty). The usual suspects are here: Justin Lee Collins, Vic Reeves, and, ooh, look who it is! Myleene Klass! Who'da thunk it, eh?


JAMMING! Later...200, BBC2, 11:35pm
The institution that is Later... With Jools Holland returns for a new series, and kicks off with its 200th episode. Although there is often a bit too much boogie-woogie jamming for our liking, the series is always guaranteed to pull off a few corkers from established artsists and is renowned for launching some great talent to boot. Tonight the big draw is a set from Radiohead, but there are other goodies to be had as well, including Cat Power, Dionne Warwick, Mary J Blige and Feist, a booking that will make at least one lowculture user very happy indeed.

So there you have it. Phew. We're going for a nice lie down now.

Labels: Alan Carr's Celebrity Ding Dong, BBC1, BBC2, Channel 4, EastEnders, Hey Paula, ITV2, jam and jerusalem, Later..., Myleene Klass, Paula Abdul, The Choir, The Law of the Playground, TV

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Wednesday, January 30, 2008

World of Wonder

COMPUTERY! Wonderland, BBC2, 9pm,
COOKERY! Ramsay's Kitchen Nightmares USA, Channel 4, 10pm,
KY-ER-LIE! Kylie Video Exclusive, Chanel 4, 11:05pm

We have a sumptuous three course meal for you tonight. People of lowculture, don't say we don't spoil you.

Our appetiser is Wonderland which looks at couples who have formed relationships through Second Life. We're impressed they managed to use that thing at all. We tried it once and couldn't get our heads round it. Although it probably won't be as jaw dropping as My Fake Baby, it could still be intriguing enough to get the chat room fired up, and, if enough alcohol is consumed, maybe even launching an LC group in Second Life that will last, oooh, all of a week til everyone gets bored.

Your main course this evening is Ramsay's Kitchen Nightmares USA. Whilst the show has become incredibly formulaic in the UK, the American version is an altogether more tantalising prospect. The two episodes shown thus far have featured some explosive characters, which has been nice, although the film style camerawork means the full horror of the grotty kitchens is less vivid than the UK version. Which is perhaps no bad thing as we have had to leave meals whilst watching Kitchen Nightmares in the past, so disgusted were we. Tonight's episode sees a restaurant in Long Island that has a debt of $1 million. Ouch.

For dessert tonight, Channel 4 have a very special treat for you. Tucked away after Gordon is the VIDEO EXCLUSIVE! for Kylie's 'Wow' (We'll ignore the fact that it has already leaked on the net). When this was announced as the second single, it caused, well, some ripples. Members of the forum were crying over this being favoured instead of 'In My Arms', 'The One' and 'No More Rain'. However, people have finally been just about won over by it, with Camden Pirate declairing it just about the best thing to ever be played in a nightclub.

It also seems a very long time ago since she performed this on The X Factor and it got added to the playlists of radio stations around the country (which it was). It has been on the chart on downloads alone for several weeks. And it still isn't released as a physical single yet. We only hope all this pre-promotion will give Kylie a bigger hit than 'Two Hearts' and won't backfire because everyone is already sick of the tune.

By the way, 'In My Arms' is the single in other parts of the world, and we thought you might like to see this video while you wait. Even if, as Nurse Dunkley pointed out that 'It's ok, but is let down in parts by Kylie wearing Roisin Murphy's old (and quite hideous) dress, along with the bits where Kylie was probably off playing cards or something and they had to get Gina G in to cover for her'.

Labels: BBC2, Channel 4, Kylie Minogue, Ramsay's Kitchen Nightmares, Wonderland

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Wednesday, January 23, 2008

Difficult by Design

SPECTACLE! Grand Designs, Channel 4, 9pm

The new series of Grand Designs actually started last week, but we had important information on Cardiff's finest bisexual not-so-secret-agents to impart, so it passed us by.

Anyway, tonight's episode features a man with a £1.3 million budget to build his dream home, something the Radio Times describes as 'a cross between a garden centre cafe and a very chic contemporary prison camp', which is fairly intriguing.

Anyway, you know the plot. Ambitious person comes up with bizarre plan, Kevin McCloud doesn't approve, lots of setbacks ensue, thing gets built, Kev either relents and gives it a thumbs up, if it has used loads of exciting 'processes' he can talk about, or he tells us he was right and they were wrong all along.

But, as with Property Ladder, we don't watch this for the forumla, we watch it for those kerrazy properties. And tonight's episode show us what happened when the build and the summer floods coincided. Which should be interesting in a 'glad it's not me' voyeuristic kind of way.

What we are really hoping to find later in the series is a revisit to the bonkers boat people from last series, though. Let's hope Channel 4 can fix that one for us.

Labels: Channel 4, Grand Designs, TV

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Tuesday, January 22, 2008

Baby baby, be mine

PATERNITY! Hollyoaks, Channel 4, 6:30pm

Now, we have noticed that, of late, Hollyoaks has been even more rubbish than usual, with its dreadful plots about drugz and surrogacy. However, even if you have given up on it recently, you must tune in to tonight's epiosde, as it's a corker.

Firstly, we see the possibility of JP getting some new boy action with someone that isn't the wretched, whiny, self-obsessed Craig. We approve. Secondly, we see some development in the Carmel police plot, which we actually like, despite it sounding like the maddest thing ever on paper.

(There is also some nonsense with Nancy-Boy (Newt) and My Bloody Valentine / Goth 'n' Spell (Lauren) giving the Birdseye Botherer (Tom) an emo makeover, but let's skip that).

But the best thing ever is that, finally, after over a year of it being dragged out, the show remembers that there is a dispute over Charlie's paternity. Things arise when Charlie is taken to hospital with leukaemia. Jake(ass) has been such a nasty piece of work for ages that we hope it turn out the baby is Justin's. We also hope it splits Nancy and Jake up and she can remember that she used to be fierce, a long, long time ago.

As they are finally looking like they might resolve this one, can we suggest they continue this theme by getting the McQueens to remember Carmel's boob theft?

Labels: Channel 4, Hollyoaks, TV

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Monday, January 21, 2008

Law and disorder

HARMAN! City of Vice, Channel 4, 9pm

City of Vice actually started last week, but passed us by a bit as we had other things to preview, starring Jane Asher. In fact, it's on at the same time as The Palace, so really you'll need to record it or watch it on C4+1 or 4OD.

The series is based in London, just prior to the development of the Metropolitan Police and stars Ian McDermid and Iain Glenn as the crime-fighting Fielding brothers. Tonight's episode also features the enticing (well, for some, we never really got the appeal) prospect of Nigel Harman gaying it up. He plays a transvestite rent boy and we see a glimpse of the gay scene in a time where you needed to hide your sexuality for fear of death. Although we make no promises of accuracy.

From the publicity shots of frocks and whatnot, however, we're guessing, that the show will emphasise the camp and melodramatic rather than the serious business of people being killed for who they fancy. Or maybe we're just a bit cynical.

Anyway, it's Channel 4 post-watershed, and they've been trailing the whole series as being full of sex and violence (ie a bit like a period Torchwood), so at the very least you're pretty much guaranteed lots of shots of young men with their tops of. Not that we'd suggest your average lowculture viewer has one thing in mind, or anything....

CHANGING! Damages, BBC1, 10:35pm

We know we only previewed Damages a fortnight ago, but we needed to bring it to your attention today because it has suddenly moved from a Sunday to a Monday.

We are slightly worried, because moving things around the schedules normally implies ratings failure and imminent death and we will be gutted if this fate befalls our new favourite series, especially before it gets to the end of its run.

So, we implore you to tune in now for the good of this rather marvellous show. If you haven't been watching so far, here's a quick recap. Glenn Close plays a lawyer taking on a case aganist Ted Danson, who apparently is a corrupt boss. Rose Byrne plays Glenn's new recruit, whose boyfriend's sister has witnessed an important meeting Ted was involved in that might sway the case.

The sister's dog got killed, apparently in a move to intimidate her. HOWEVER, it wasn't Ted's team that did this, but Glenn's. So basically, we don't have straightforward goodies and baddies. Oh, and the whole thing jumps about the timeline, so we are treated to glimpses from the future where Rose Byrne's character is arrested for the gruesome murder of her boyfriend with a very spiky Statue of Liberty bookend. But of course, she's innocent. Or is she...?

So now you're as up-to-date as we are, and there are no excuses for missing this one any longer...

Labels: BBC1, Channel 4, city of vice, Damages, gay, Glenn Close, nigel harman, TV

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Friday, January 18, 2008

How's about cooking something up with me?

CULINARY! Gordon Ramsay: Cookalong Live, Channel 4, 9pm

As you can't fail to have noticed, today marks the sad departure of Dame Vera Duckworth from our screens. At times of extreme grief, what is our natural response? Why, to comfort eat, of course. And Channel 4 has come to our aid in this time of national sadness by showing Gordon Ramsay: Cookalong Live tonight, so that after the big event you can channel your grief into perfecting those cooking skills (which will help you as you consider applying for Come Dine With Me) and then eating the delicious results. The courses you can cook are: Pan-roasted Scallops, Steak and Chips and Chocolate Mousse. Vegetarians are permitted to make extra pudding to compensate for the meaty starter and main.

The gimmick of this show is that you are meant to cook along with Ramsay, which is all very well, but how many of us have our tellys in our kitchens? (Fortunately the recipes are all available on the Channel 4 website, along with some video clips of how to make them (so you can cheat a bit, essentially).

If you want to take part in this national event and report the results to us later (mandatory), the list of what you will need is below. However, we must warn members of the lowculture Fat Fighters group to look away, as these all appear to be highly calorific:

(The quantities listed serve four, by the way, so you may wish to adjust accordingly)

200g cherry tomatoes
Small bunch coriander
Small bunch basil
1 lemon
120g rocket

4 x medium Desiree potatoes (approx 600g)
Advertisement200ml full fat crème fraiche
250ml fresh double cream
1 x pack salted butter
1 x small block of Parmesan
12 king scallops, hand-dived if you can get them

4 x good quality Sirloin steaks approx 220 – 250g each, and approx 2.5 cm thick
1 x medium bottle olive oil
1 x medium bottle groundnut oil
3 x tablespoons white wine vinegar
60g pitted black olives (Kalamata if possible)
Sea salt
Black peppercorns
Chilli flakes

20g icing sugar
2 x 32g bars of chocolate covered honeycomb (Crunchie for example)
150g dark chocolate (at least 70% cocoa)
2 tablespoons coffee liqueur (Tia Maria or Kahlua for example)

Don't feel guilty about feeding yourself up in this time of grief. You'll need the fuel to get you through the dark days ahead. Anyway, we're sure it's what Vera would have wanted.

Labels: Channel 4, food, gordon ramsay

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Sunday, January 13, 2008

Sunday: the new black

MULTIPLE CHOICE! Lots of Shows, Lots of Channels, Lots of Times

Oh, the life of a member of team lowculture. You wait days for something interesting to write about, and then suddenly a whole bunch of shows come along at once. Tonight sees a veritable feats of LC-tastic telly, so much so that we're doing a bumper preview, the like of which hasn't been since here since, ooh, Christmas and New Year.

First off the blocks today (and possibly the most highly anticipated on the forums, not least for traditional sweepstake shenanigans) is Dancing on Ice, on ITV1 at 5:50 and 8:50pm. Much has been made of this appearing on a Saturday night, apparently too scared of The One and Only, but maybe ITV just thought if they slung this on the same night as TV Burp and Primeval, there'd be nothing left for the rest of the week.

Anyway, even if you haven't watched this before, exciting reasons to pay attention: 1) The judges have been joined by Ruthie Henshall, which gives this more credibility than it has ever had thus far; 2) The contestants include Suzanne Shaw, Tim Vincent, Samantha Mumba, Steve Backley and SARAH GREENE (who we wish could have done Strictly Come Dancing, but seeing as this teams her back up with Pip Schofield, we don't mind too much); 3) Some of the LC community have set up Bitching on Ice, a commentary blog, which will make it worth it even if the show itself proves to be less than ace.

After this (or rather, during the last ten minutes of filler), you should turn your attention to BBC1 at 7:40pm, where Lark Rise to Candleford continues the channel's current period drama obession. This is made all the more watchable because it features LC faves Liz Smith, Julia Sawhalha (fresh out of Cranford), Mark Heap, Dawn French, and, in a starring role, Olivia Hallinan. Frocks, hairdos and maybe even the odd bonnet - what more could you want on a Sunday night?

Well, you may be torn, because opposite this at 8pm on Channel 4 is the terrestrial premiere of The Phantom of the Opera. Addmittedly it's not all that great, and it shows up the flimsiness of the musical's plot in a way the stage version can almost camoflauge. But the songs! And after recent episodes of The X Factor and When Joseph Met Maria we will always now be replayng this in our heads with a starring cast of Lee Mead, Connie Fisher and Rhydian Roberts, something Andrew Lloyd Webber is no doubt working very hard to make happen as we speak.

And the TV goods keep on coming. On BBC2 at 9pm, we see the latest in Louis Theroux' occasional series of documentaries, Louis Theroux: Behind Bars. We have much enjoyed his recent documantaries on cults, gambling and liposuction, and his time in San Quentin prison promises to be just as entertaining, illuminating, challenging and heatbreaking. If you fancy something a little more cosy, then 9:20pm on ITV1 brings you the new series of Kingdom. We have never watched this, but it stars Stephen Fry, so it's probably a fairly safe bet. And if all you want is a bit of fairly average but occasionally amusing comedy, BBC3 brings you yet another series of Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps at 9pm. We have never seen a full series of this, only ever the occasional episode on BBC3 when there was nothing else on, so our understanding of the show's timeline is completely skew-whiff. We expect to watch the new series in much the same manner.

Still not enough for you? Well, More4 repeats the surprisingly touching Half Ton Mum at 10pm, BBC1 screens episode 2 of Damages at 10:30pm, BBC2 features the opening weekend of Liverpool 08 at 10:45pm and Channel 4 has a profile of Robyn at 12:35am.

Never let it be said that you're not spoiled for choice, people.

Labels: BBC1, BBC2, BBC3, Channel 4, Damages, Dancing on Ice, Half Ton Mum, ITV1, Kingdom, Lark Rise, Liverpool 08, Louis Theroux, Phantom of the Opera, Robyn, Two Pints

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Wednesday, January 09, 2008

We've had our Phil

HOUSING! Relocation, Relocation, Channel 4, 8.00pm

As painful as this is to admit, the appeal of all of these property formats is starting to wear thin, since we've calculated that the price of the average house these days means we're unlikely to set foot on the property ladder until approximately 2034, and that's assuming the prices don't go up in the meantime. So forgive us if we're not all that excited by the prospect of watching a bunch of gratingly wealthy bastards look for a four bedroom detached house with a small forest out back for the children to play in and at least fifty miles away from any traffic noise. We'd almost rather watch ITV2 rerun the most allegedly lolworthy auditions from The X Factor for the ninety billionth time since Christmas. Almost.

Anyway, no matter how angry we may be at the housing market, we will always hold a soft spot for the eternally put-upon Phil and Kirstie, who have to spend a lot more time watching these people scratch their chins over precisely where to spend their £500k than we'll ever have to. True to form, tonight's show involves a couple who are looking to relocate to Devon, having both got new jobs and sold their previous home for a tidy profit. We will probably spend the majority of the show screaming "fuck off!" and throwing cream buns at the television, unless these people turn out to be particularly likeable. Which might actually make things worse.

CROOKS! Honest, ITV1, 9.00pm

This is not, we are almost certain, a TV adaptation of the 2000 film starring three-quarters of All Saints, directed by Dave Stewart, although it reminded us of it sufficiently to make us add it to our list on lovefilm to see if it really was as bad as everyone said it was (and before anyone asks, no we're not getting paid to link to that site. Honest). Instead it stars ITV's go-to matriarch Amanda Redman as the head of a family of crooks attempting to go straight. Hilarity ensues, we assume.

It'll be interesting to see how this one pans out, actually. Somewhat predictably, our heads have gone straight to At Home With The Braithwaites, and if it's as cheerfully deranged as that was, we'll probably love it. If it's all earnest and gritty, we might not. But we'll see how the first episode goes, and take it from there. Come back and ask us again in a couple of weeks, at which point it'll either be our new favourite programme, or we'll have forgotten it ever existed.

Labels: Channel 4, Honest, ITV1, Relocation Relocation, TV

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Thursday, January 03, 2008

Big bother?

NOT RACIST! Big Brother's Celebrity Hijack, Channel 4/E4, 10pm
So, we can't tell you an awful lot about Big Brother's Celebrity Hijack, because according to some sources (well, Digital Spy and the Daily Star at any rate), it's all going horribly wrong before it's even started. Which is novel, as they usually wait a few days to mess it all up.

Anyway, the original premise of this was that a bunch of (ahem) 'gifted and talented' 18-21 year-olds (and that was their first mistake, as the 25 and over housemates are always much more interesting) would go in, and the SHOCK! TWIST! was that celebrities were going to 'be' Big Brother.

Then they announced some of the celebs, and the list sounded promising: Matt Lucas, Joan Rivers, Jake and Dinos Chapman(!) - some of the people who would never go in 'real' celebrity BB.

However, the aforementioned 'early reports' suggest that the producers didn't like their housemates and told the celebs they were going to have to go on, to which the celebs went: 'er, no'.

So who knows what will happen? What we do know is that a) it's on E4 (except tonight's double launch, streamed on C4 and E4, much as The Queen's Christmas Message is streamed across both BBC1 and ITV1 except obviously this isn't of national import, much as it would think it is), so if it all goes tits up they can just put in extra episodes of Friends and no-one will notice, b) this is Dermot O'Leary's last BB thing and c) James Corden and Matthew Horne, who we like round these parts, will be presenting Big Mouth for the duration. However short that is.

Labels: Big Brother, Channel 4

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Sunday, December 30, 2007

Big Fat Last Sunday of the Year

WIZARDRY! JK Rowling: A Year in the Life, ITV1, 7pm

QUIZARDRY! The Big Fat Quiz of the Year, Channel 4, 9pm
We have to say, in terms of books, 2007 was a disappointment. We didn't much rate the latest by Nick Horby, Alice Sebold or Armistead Maupin and we are still on the waiting list at the library for this year's Booker winner. Perhaps everyone else was too scared of the competition of Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, which at the time, felt like an event akin to the second coming. Or at least Kylie Who. Although now the moment has passed it's easy to forget all the fuss, as it feels so long ago (much like Christmas, really). The book itself created one of the biggest ever sweepy wins on the forums (because there were so many deaths, although not Neville, which we feel a bit cheated by as we were sure he was a dead cert) and a fairly mixed response, although we loved it.

Anyway, in a crowd pleasing move, ITV is giving us a fly on the wall documentary of JK Rowling's life as she finishes book seven, gets it published, is asked a billion times what she will do next, and outs Dumbledore. We don't imagine we'll get to see her reaction to not being made a Dame in the New Year's Honours, when Jacqueline Wilson was, though. Shame.

Whilst we are mentioning kids' books (or sort of), a quick nod to The Shadow in the North at 8:55pm on BBC1. Starring Billie Piper, it's the second adaptation of Philip Pullman's Sally Lockhart books. But we haven't read any of them, nor did we watch the first part last year, and a quick trawl of the forums shows no-one else seems to have, either. Still, it's there if you want it, and we know a few of you love some costume drama action.

The main event of the evening, and the one which will no doubt lead to the last mass drinking session in the chat room of 2007, is the annual Big Fat Quiz of the Year, where the token non-comedian, non-man this year is Lily Allen (we said it at Comic Relief, we'll say it again, there are plenty of female comedians out there, you know. Give some of them some work!), joining David Mitchell, Jonathan Ross, Rob Brydon, Noel Fielding and Russell Brand (wot no Myleene Klass, John Barrowman or Adrian Chiles?). We loved Noel and Russell on this last year, although they hadn't been on our screens as non-stop as they have been this year, so it remains to be seen if they are endearing again this time round, or if they've become annoying.

Nonetheless, this show always produces loads of laughs and is also a bit easier than the nasty quizzes you get in the newspapers at this time of year, of which we can only answer about 5%, so it helps us feel a bit superior.

This is followed at 11:05 by a repeat of the last episode of series 4 of Shameless in preparation for the new series, which starts on the 1st. Join us tomorrow as we preview it in our Old Year/New Year double bumper edition...

Labels: Big fat quiz of the year, Channel 4, Harry Potter, ITV1, jk rowling, shadow in the north, Shameless

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Friday, December 21, 2007

Not tonight Santa

FESTIVE! The Friday Night Christmas Project with Girls Aloud, Channel 4, 10.00pm

Hooray, it's nearly Christmas! Unless of course you're one of those people who was feeling a bit like we were last week, in which case: fucking hell, hasn't Christmas been and gone yet? Just to warn you, lowculture will be slowing down a bit over the next few days as we prepare to travel to distant lands (most of them still within the United Kingdom, in fairness, but several of them not having wireless broadband so they may as well be on Prince Patrick Island for our purposes), but we will still be doing regular updates to cover the best in festive telly and other forms of entertainment. To get the seasonal weekend started, we are very pleased to see that Channel 4 have chosen Girls Aloud to do the Christmas edition of the somewhat variable Friday Night Project.

Girls Aloud are a lot more Christmassy than most bands, for reasons including but not limited to the following:

• They formed shortly before Christmas 2002


• They were responsible for the best Christmas No.1 of the decade (the fact that the competition is hardly fierce does not make this any less of an achievement)


• Their mini Christmas album from 2005 includes some of the best Christmas songs ever, especially 'Christmas Round at Ours'


• They are girls, and girls are better at Christmas than boys are

Labels: Channel 4, Girls Aloud, The Friday Night Project, TV

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Thursday, December 20, 2007

Come dine with me, let's dine, let's dine awaaaaaay

Labels: Channel 4, christmas, come dine with me

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Sunday, December 16, 2007

O come, all ye faithful

CONTROVERSIAL! Make Me a Muslim, Channel 4, 8pm
SONG-TROVERSIAL! The Liverpool Nativity, BBC3, 8pm

Before we begin today's previews, let's take a moment to reflect on THAT result. Yes, we know.

OK, moment over, let's move on, people.

So... it is at this time of year that our thoughts turn to the spiritual side of life (unless like us, you're doing a research project on religion on telly, in which case you think about it all the time), and we don't just mean of the alcoholic variety, ba-dum-tish.

In a slightly bizarre feat of scheduling, we see two shows with a loosely spiritual/religious dimension on at the same time tonight. So, which should get the lowculture vote?

Well, should this influence your choice at all, Channel 4's offering, Make Me a Muslim runs across three consecutive nights, not weeks, as you might expect. This already controversial 'reality' show follows six volunteers as they adopt an Islamic lifestyle for three weeks and try and live according to the values of Sharia Law. All well and good, but didn't BBC2's The Retreat do something very similar early on in the year?

Anyway, early reports (well Newsnight Review anyway) suggest the show is engineered for conflict, with participants including extreme stereotyped characters (e.g. the truck driver who 'just happens' to have a huge stash of porn, the gay man who 'just happens' to dress in women's togs from time to time), so we don't expect too much. But it should still hopefully be interesting.

BBC3's one-off offering, The Liverpool Nativity is one of those things that will either be a triumph-against-all-odds, or an unmitigated disaster. Following on from 2006's actually very moving Manchester Passion in which the story of Easter was set against a backdrop of Manchester-based songs, and featured local actors and pop stars in the main roles, this show does the same for the Christmas story, but sets it in Liverpool. See what they did there?

Promising to feature the songs of The Beatles, Echo and The Bunnymen, The La's, The Kalxons and, er, Cast, this also boasts a very LC-friendly cast, including Jennifer Ellison, Nerys Hughes and Geoffrey Hughes (Onslow from Keeping up Appearances. Yes, we know he was in Corrie and The Royle Family as well).

We hope this will be as entertaining and emotive as its Manchester counterpart (although to be honest, we don't hold out too much hope), but we'd still rather they stopped the series here and didn't attempt the Sheffield Pentecost, much as we'd like a starring role as an extra, and to see how Disco 2000, Don't You Want Me and I Bet You Look Good on the Dancefloor could be turned into loosely Biblical messages.

Peace and goodwill to all of you, lovely people. And remember, the true meaning of Christmas is to download Mariah's All I Want for Christmas Is You and cause an upset in the Christmas Number One stakes...

Labels: BBC3, Channel 4, christmas, liverpool nativity, make me a muslim, religion

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Thursday, December 13, 2007

Ugly Betty White!

LEGEND! Ugly Betty, Channel 4, 9pm

Sadly, the photo we're using here is from some American sketch show or other, not tonight's episode, but we had to use it here, because it's ace.

We love Ugly Betty, we really do, but we feel a strict talking-to, the like of which we gave Neighbours is going to be due soon if it doesn't pull its designer boots up.

This second series has been something of a mixed bag. It clearly doesn't know what it wants to do with itself, so we get a mix of the good (Marc getting a boyfriend), the intriguing (Christina's husband returning) and the boring (the fight over who will become boss of Mode). Unfortunately, we have had a truckload of the latter thrown at us, and very little of the former two.

Tonight's episode is a case in point about the mixed blessing of this series. On the one hand, we have the tedium of Betty being annoying (she is not very nice to Henry in this ep, nor Hilda particularly. In fact, when did Betty go from being loveable to just annoying? Can they sort this out please? We just think Henry is too good for her right now) and of Daniel vs Alexis vs Willy (still. Yawn). Marc, Amanda and Christina are yet again relegated to the sidelines, despite having the most interesting potential storylines of anyone. However, we see Alexis being incredibly fierce and the way she and Daniel try to solve their dispute is pretty stupid, but also pretty fun. And then, moving the show firmly back in the right direction, is a cameo from the legendary Betty White (of Golden Girls fame). We won't say anything about the details of this cameo, but as you might expect, she pretty much steals the show.

We're really not sure where the rest of this series is going to go. Maybe the writers will have a Heroes style U-turn during the strike. Maybe they have some grand plan worked out to get it back wonderful again. We hope so. The signs are still there that it has lots of potential in it, let's hope the glimpses of the magic in tonight's episode are hints of something exciting in store, and not the desperate gasps of a show that is running out of steam.

Labels: betty white, Channel 4, ugly betty

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Tuesday, December 04, 2007

Things ain't cooking in my kitchen

SHOUTING! Ramsay's Kitchen Nightmares, Channel 4, 9pm

We have to confess, much as we love Channel 4 programmes, we are less than impressed with the way they are treating them. Their website, once a really useful tool, never seems to put previews up these days (in the past few weeks we have failed to find info there about Comedy Connections, Britz and Boy A amongst other things). Their page for Ramsay's Kitchen Nightmares is no better, containing only recaps of previous weeks and no info whatsoever on tonight's show (luckily for us, we have access to the Radio Times).

They are also treating their 'new' series really badly, with Property Ladder, Location Location Location and this show falling foul of the 'revisit' syndrome, whereby we get some repeats with an extra minute or so tacked on the end - which wouldn't be so bad if they weren't marketed as being part of a new series and parked slap bang in the middle of new episodes (AND they haven't shown any new-to-terrestrial episodes of The Simpsons in about three years, by our reckoning, which makes us really angry then swiped it from the BBC who at least used to show new episodes once a year). We would be much happier if the end of each of these series would feature a proper revisit epiosde (or even two at a push), with merely a few flashbacks to the original episodes being shown and several decent revisits all in the one show. Now that, Channel 4, would be worth our time and effort.

Anyway, ranting aside, this is apparently a completely new episode of Kitchen Nightmares. In it, Gordon travels to Lampeter to visit an ailing fish restaurant. Apparently sparks will fly when Gordon meets the proprietor's wife: according to the non-mysoginist-or-Welshist-at-all Radio Times preview, we will be treated to 'the appalling shouting and screaming of Caron, Mike's fiery Welsh dragon of a wife'.

However, the bit about tonight's show that really intrigues us is that apparently it is as much about Gordon trying to fix their marriage as it is him trying to fix their restaurants. What with this and Triny and Susannah Undress, marriage counselling appears to be the new telly black. And it does leave us wondering who the next person called upon to do a bit of marriage fixing will be. Seeing as You Are What You Eat has been allegedly cancelled, we wouldn't bet against Gillian McKeith coming back with some sort of 'save your marriage through aduki beans' show.

Forget Relate, people, makeover shows are the cure for all of life's ills.

Labels: Channel 4, Ramsay's Kitchen Nightmares

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Wednesday, November 28, 2007

It's a little ol' place where we can get together

DATING! Love Trap, Channel 4, 10.00pm

This programme's a curious one, in that it falls into the category where everyone we know is watching it, but the nation as a whole does not seem to be. At least, last week's ratings for the show seemed to imply as much. Which is a shame, because the parts of it that we've caught have been entertaining, and occasionally even enlightening. And also, hysterically funny, in a creepy sort of way. And isn't that really the best kind of funny, when all's said and done?

The trailers were fairly widespread in the run-up to the first episode, so you should know what to expect, but just to provide context for those who missed it: 24-year-old Swede Carolina is looking for love. The show sets her up with various suitors: one British, one Australian, one Italian, one German and one Ugandan. The blokes just think they're on a show examining their dating habits, which is only half the story: they don't realise they're competing against other guys to represent the men of their nation, they don't realise there are hidden cameras all over Carolina's flat, and they don't realise they're being set a lot of tests, which is quite awesome.

Tests thus far have included Carolina making mention of a private saucy photo album, which is so private that they must never look at it, and then putting it away somewhere really obvious (result: everyone looked when left unattended), and inviting a sexy decoy friend around to try to tempt them away on a double-date evening (result: German Florian and his friend totally hoodwinked by this one). It's probably not the most shining example of male chivalry you're likely to see on television, in all honesty, but then it's not really pretending to be. It's just very entertaining and occasionally sweet in an unexpected way.

At the end of last week's episode, Brit Ossie took the lead as he and Carolina shared some snuggles on the sofa (this is as far as anyone's got, so if you're looking for cheap titillation, we suggest you try ITV2), but tonight's episode will be where Carolina makes her final decision, and there's every chance that one of the other men may, as Grease 2 so memorably put it, do it for their country. Plus, presumably the guys will be shown what sort of show they've actually been on, and their reactions should be priceless. It'll be a nailbiter, we have little doubt.

Labels: Channel 4, Love Trap, TV

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Tuesday, November 27, 2007

No good Deid goes unrewarded

AGONY! Sex in the 00s: Dear Deidre, Channel 4, 10.00pm

There was widespread consternation on the forum yesterday as Becky EXCLUSIVELY REVEALED that Victoria Newton was no longer the editor of the Sun's Bizarre column. Well, we say "widespread consternation". Really it was more like "generalised cheer, until we discovered that her replacement looks similarly odious, and has an equally incomprehensible journalistic 'style'".

But as we mourn the passing of one iconic figure of tabloid journalism (apparently she's been promoted, if you can believe that), the time comes to pay tribute to another; a lady of great resilience and incomparable stature: Deidre Sanders, the Sun's resident agony aunt. Her advice column has been running for almost 30 years, during which time she has answered some of the nation's most improbable moral conundrums - the majority of which conveniently correspond to one of Deidre's premium rate phone lines offering specialist advice. And let's not forget Deidre's Photo Casebook, which delves into the problems of a scantily-dressed female/buff shirtless man over the course of five days, featuring some of the most hilarious clashes of facial expression and supposed "dialogue" you're ever likely to see. (And in this great world of web2.0, there's now Deidre's Video Casebook online. We haven't checked that out fully, but we're very excited about it.)

This show features Deidre coming face to face with some of the people she's helped over the years, perhaps putting to rest rumours that the advice page is pretty much fabricated. We'd like to believe that, but frankly we've seen enough reader correspondence in our time to believe every terrifying word. Apparently Deidre will also be waxing lyrical on the changing shape of sexual behaviour in the UK since she's been advising the nation. Sounds unmissable.

Labels: Channel 4, Sex in the 00s, The Sun, TV

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Monday, November 26, 2007

Boy A, Queen Bee

Labels: BBC1, BoyA, Channel 4, Monarchy

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Sunday, November 25, 2007

Your Spell I'm Under

Labels: Channel 4, Kylie Minogue, White Diamond

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Friday, November 23, 2007

Fashion Major

POSH! Ugly Betty, C4, 9pm

Labels: Channel 4, ugly betty, Victoria Beckham, weddings

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Tuesday, November 20, 2007

Hannahlujah

EATING! Hollyoaks, Channel 4, 6.30pm

A few lowculture-ites had the honour last week of attending a screening and panel discussion of Hollyoaks at the BFI. It was certainly an interesting evening, because we got to enjoy the somewhat surreal experience of watching an episode on a massive cinema screen, and we were reminded, just in case we were in any danger of forgetting, that the show is on at 6.30pm. But the overall lesson we were given to take away was that Hollyoaks was emerging from the wilderness to become a contender, with proper storylines and proper actors and even the odd award or two. And apparently key to this is building up characters that the viewers will love.

One such character has recently returned from an extended absence - Hannah Ashworth (played by the lovely Emma Rigby, who was also present at the panel and who couldn't have been more charming), having been in hospital recovering from the debilitating eating disorder bulimorexia, is now back in the family home, despite having been temporarily deposed by a robot claiming to be Rhys's half-sister. Unfortunately, in the grand tradition of Hollyoaks, they've decided that her rehabilitation can only be achieved by pairing her with a rubbish character, namely Danny Valentine. This show seems obsessed with such unbalanced couplings (see also: John Paul/Katy, Summer/Rubbish Tranny, Jacqui/Tony...), and we're never quite sure why.

But even if she comes with the moonface man in tow, we're at least glad to have Hannah back, because other characters that we like are thin on the ground at the moment. Tonight's episode sees some spectacularly repellent behaviour from Swimbint (accusing Beth of being "full of herself", shortly before phoning the kettle to point out those unsightly burn marks), Nancy (impressive total absence of tact when dealing with friend who's just come out of hospital, making bitchy comments about John Paul yet again), Jake (sudden onset of dementia making him think he was supportive to Craig when it was revealed that Craig was having an affair with John Paul) and Rubbish Tranny.

Rubbish Tranny, in particular, has been spectacularly vile over the past few weeks - being Chester's answer to Lily Allen in his indefatigable belief that he has every right to make snide comments about whomever he chooses, but acting wounded and hounded the second anyone turns it around on him. It speaks volumes that in his battle of witlessness with his nasty, bigoted brother, we're firmly on the side of the latter and long for the day that the poorly-dressed cretin is found battered and in pieces in a cement mixer. Actually, if the war could just end with both of the stupid gits killing each other, we could all get on with our lives and that would be brilliant. Some hopes. This show is on at 6.30, after all.

Labels: Channel 4, Hollyoaks, TV

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Monday, November 19, 2007

Adventures in Time and Space

Labels: Bernard Hill, CBBC, Channel 4, Elisabeth Sladen, Exodus, Sarah Jane Adventures

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Friday, November 09, 2007

Pilot lights

NEW! Free Agents, Channel 4, 10.30pm

We've mentioned these Friday night comedy pilots before, but we felt compelled to come back to the subject, partially because there really isn't a lot else on for us to talk about on Friday nights (well, aside from HIGNFY, QI, Ugly Betty - you get the idea...) but also because we're quite excited about this one. The level of quality of the ones we've seen has been a bit varied - the first one, with Martin Freeman, was good, but didn't really have much expansion potential. The one with Duncan from Blue in it wasn't bad, but had a few too many crass jokes in it for our tastes (believe it or not, such a thing is possible), and the less said about the others, the better.

This one, however, looks promising, because it stars not only Stephen "Green Wing" Mangan (whom we've decided to forgive for those hideous Barclaycard adverts, but he can consider himself on probation for the time being) but also Sharon "Pulling" Horgan (who will always be Katie Tate from Broken News to us). Pulling was one of our favourite bleaker-than-black sitcoms of the year, and we're on tenterhooks waiting for the second series, so while this isn't written by the same people, we're hoping at least that Sharon Horgan's comic gifts will be hugely beneficial to the show all the same.

The trailers for the show look a bit odd, mind. We're not entirely sure what's going on, other than the fact that the central twosome are talent agents overcoming some messy personal problems and hoping to find comfort in each other, and really we got all that blurb from the Radio Times. But it's also got Anthony Head in it, which has rendered it a must-watch as far as we're concerned. Fingers crossed, then. (And yes, we know the picture is from Pulling, but if Channel 4 doesn't want to give these shows any web support, what are we supposed to do, eh?)

Labels: Channel 4, Free Agents, TV

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Friday, November 02, 2007

Twenty-five to 4

QUARTER CENTURY! The Big Fat Anniversary Quiz, Channel 4, 10.00pm
ADVENTUREY! Robin Hood, BBC1, Saturday, 7.15pm

Another week, another UK terrestrial channel with a divisible-by-five birthday (well, that's two so far this year). Channel 4 is 25 years old, and what better way to mark the occasion than a TWO HOUR (!!!) celebrity comedy panel show quiz thing. Surprisingly, Channel 4 have chosen to forsake the obvious towering icons of their history in favour of a bunch of little-known comedians and mathematicians (it's mainly comedians, to be honest). So, instead of the Max and Patricia Farnham / Sally Smedley / Kevin McCloud / Brian Steadman / Hubba Hubba panel you might have been hoping for, team members include David Mitchell, Richard Ayoade, Alan Carr, Jack Dee, Frank Skinner and VorderMan, with Jimmy Carr overseeing and Wossy and Gervaisy among the special guests popping in to celebrate how much richer they became when they went to the BBC.

Of course, anyone knows that commemorating a channel's birthday is really just an excuse to dig out lots of old clips of idents, logos and trailers from days or yore and, as the channel with the best and most consistent branding of the lot, Channel 4 doesn't disappoint. The tidy Channel 4 at 25 page on their website provides a selection of beautiful idents from over the years, as well as information on their comedy, drama and documentary highlights (free for download on 4oD over the next few weeks), a controversy-charting Channel 4 timeline, exciting 1982 FACTS! and lots of photos of their office building for some reason. Never let it be said that Channel 4 doesn't know how to throw a retrospective, internet-based party.

On the subject of exuberant things that aren't very old, tomorrow Robin Hood cheerfully continues his mission to make Saturday evenings ridiculous. We really wouldn't blame you for giving this second series a wide berth, yet with every anachromism it grows more and more entertaining: so far we've seen the Sheriff of Nottingham's dominatrix sister meet a sticky end in her own snake pit, Ocean's Eleven Robin's gang attempting an assault on the Sheriff's strongroom during a visit from a travelling supercasino, Guy of Gisborne's new armour turning him into Robocop and, last week, Ralf Little guest starring as a twitchy scientist with a plan to use a bioweapon to eradicate all the 'dirt' in medieval England (that's the people of Nottingham to you and me).

Best of all, however, has been the ongoing betrayal of Robin's gang by young, chirpy, fit as fuck Allan A Dale, who reluctantly entered into an 'agreement' with mostly evil, smoulderingly handsome Guy four weeks ago and has been haemorrhaging information about Robin's activities ever since, during secret Spooks-style liasons in doorways and behind taverns. The wonderful shame etched across Allan's face when he meets with Guy and can't quite look him in the eye is the main reason we're watching, really (well, that and Marian's FABULOUS couture wardrobe). Except this week Robin cottons-on to the fact that somebody in his camp is a traitor, potentially killing the best plot in the series stone dead before it's even halfway done. Stupid cocking Robin. Let's hope he keeps it to himself.

Labels: anniversary, BBC1, Channel 4, idents, Robin Hood, The Big Fat Anniversary Quiz, TV

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Tuesday, October 30, 2007

Beeny round the world and I-I-I I can't find my baby

DEVELOPING! Property Ladder, Channel 4, 8.00pm

Apologies for that utterly dreadful headline; it came to us out of nowhere and somehow we felt a spooky compulsion to use it. That's our only excuse. Anyway, Dame Sarah Beeny is back, even though it feels like she hasn't really been away. We've learnt not to get too excited by an alleged new series of Property Ladder because inevitably you only ever get about three new episodes before the rest of the series consists of "revisit" episodes with 95% recycled footage. But then, perhaps that's how they can make a new series as often as they do. If so, we're not complaining; a day of Beeny is a brighter day where we're concerned.

We are quite alarmed, however, that according to the listings in today's Radio Times, both of the featured couples in this show appear to take Sarah Beeny's advice. What? Do they not understand the point of this show? The whole idea is for them to go "we want to rip out the period features and replace them with this lovely stone cladding we found in a skip" while Dame Sarah sucks in her breath disapprovingly and suggests that this Might Not Be Such A Good Idea, only for them to completely ignore her and end up knocking £32,000 off the face value of the property (only to be rescued at the end by an infuriating rise in the market which lets the clueless sods make a profit despite utter incompetence).

Everybody seems to be interested in some sort of change-of-use project this week - one is converting a former Methodist church, while another is modelling a pub into a country home. Whatever the outcome, we're glad Sarah Beeny is back to doing what she does best, rather than fronting those dodgy How Toxic Are You? documentaries which didn't appear to contain any actual facts or useful information. Not her fault, of course; The Beeny can do no wrong in our eyes. But this is where she belongs.

Labels: Channel 4, Property Ladder, TV

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Friday, October 19, 2007

Duncan donuts

PILOT! Comedy Showcase: Plus One, Channel 4, 10.30pm

Rather admirably, Channel 4 has not given up on the possibility of finding some new sitcoms to whack out on a Friday, since that is after all officially Comedy Night. Although the naysayers may have been saying their nays along the lines that there hasn't been anything good on since Friends and Frasier finished, we think that's uncharitable. There's Peep Show, obviously. And we warmed to The IT Crowd and Star Stories after a while. And there's Ugly Betty, though not a sitcom in the most traditional sense of the word. Nevertheless, C4 are clearly keen to have another hit up their sleeve somewhere, and you may have noticed over the past few weeks a selection of pilots doing the rounds in the hopes of cracking TV gold.

We watched the first one two weeks ago, Other People, featuring Martin Freeman as a faded child star exploring the world of almost obscurity. It was pretty funny, if not massively different from the role he played in The Office (and to give him his due, few people play frustrated and jaded as well as Martin Freeman does), but the biggest problem we had with it is that it felt like all of its potential had been explored in the half hour pilot, and we didn't really see where else it could go as a series.

We have the same reservations about this one, but we have to congratulate it for the sheer batshit insanity of the premise if nothing else. Main character Rob is smarting after being dumped by girlfriend Linsey (Miranda Raison from Spooks), not least because she left him for Duncan from Blue. (No, seriously - Duncan James appears as himself. We're not kidding.) To compound matters, he gets invited to their wedding, and is expected to bring a guest, so naturally he determines to outshine both of them. As you may have seen from the trails, it seems as though his trump card is Gemma Atkinson from Hollyoaks, so we'll leave you to draw your own conclusions on whether he's successful in his endeavours. So, yes: precisely how much range it'll have outside this half hour remains to be seen, but we give it full marks for originality, so there.

Labels: Channel 4, Plus One, TV

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Wednesday, October 17, 2007

Property badder

HOUSES! Location, Location, Location: Best and Worst Live, Channel 4, 9.00pm

Hooray! Is it wrong that we totally look forward to this as an annual event? We might even be a little bit psychic because the other week we were wondering if it was time for this show to be on again, and lo and behold: it is. Last year there was a small change to the format: Kirstie was replaced by her sister Sofie (who is essentially the same as Kirstie, just slightly less comfortable in front of the cameras) because she was off having a sprog; this year there's a bigger difference - the show's live, with a public vote being taken on the country's most desirable residences. We're wondering if the citizens of Hackney will be casting votes in their thousands, determined to overrule their placing as the Worst Place to Live in Britain last year.

There isn't going to be quite such a sense of tension and mystery this year since the official bottom 20 have already been put up on the Channel 4 website (click here if you don't mind being spoiled) and, doing our best JK and Joel impression, we can exclusively reveal there's a new number one. The best list is apparently still being kept under wraps, though, so there will be some surprises on the night.

We gather Sofie will be appearing on the show again this year in a sort of roving reporter role, which may cause some kind of Sloaney disruption in the time-space continuum if she and Kirstie are ever on screen together. Actually, we'd kind of like to see that. We can never have too much Kirstie, after all, so having something that equates to more or less two Kirsties is fine by us. We'd also like two Phils next year, if possible.

Labels: Channel 4, Location Location Location, TV

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Wednesday, October 10, 2007

Looks like we've made it to the end

We're going to do that selection box style of update today, but not because we can't find anything we want to write about at length (well, maybe slightly because of that), but more because we noticed a trend in tonight's telly. That's right, folks - lots of things are ending. Because all good things must come to an end, whereas bad things go on forever, which explains why Charmed ran for eight seasons. (Just kidding. We love that show, honestly. Just don't talk to us about season eight, we're still in repression therapy trying to forget it ever happened.)

And so tonight it's time to sing so long, farewell, auf Wiedersehen etc. to three US treats, two of them forever. Bowing out first (chronologically speaking) is Brothers and Sisters on Channel 4 at 10pm as it reaches the end of season one. It hasn't exactly been a ratings grabber for C4, hovering around and occasionally below the one million mark, despite its popularity in the US. Our theory for this is that perhaps the themes of the programme, in terms of its focus on a family at war over US politics and their own boozy, privileged nature, doesn't necessarily travel brilliantly and is perhaps more resonant on its own turf. That said, we actually really enjoyed this show (when we remembered to watch it), and the cast is ridiculously pretty, so we'll be sad if the second season doesn't get picked up by anyone over here.

Behind that is What About Brian on E4 at 11.05pm, which we've only ever caught odd glimpses of, but have also enjoyed in a dripping-with-cheese sort of way. It's bowing out after two seasons, leaving us wondering if the question of Brian will ever be truly resolved. Again, it was kind of hard to sympathise with the problems of a bunch of beautiful rich people, but we'll miss the show, and more surprisingly, we'll miss the trailers, which somehow went from annoying to endearing without us noticing.

And finally it's the swansong of Will & Grace on Channel 4 at 12.05am. In all honesty the show went off the boil years ago so we're not exactly in floods of tears, and if having not one but two live episodes in your final season doesn't scream "look at us, jumping this shark, look!", we don't know what does. But we'll miss the bitchy put downs all the same, and we'll miss trying to be more like Karen in our everyday lives.

So there we go. We're not going to cry, we're just going to focus on the good times and the fond memories. Okay, and maybe cry a little.

Labels: Brothers and Sisters, Channel 4, e4, TV, What About Brian?, Will and Grace

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Friday, October 05, 2007

Betty the devil you know

FASHION! Ugly Betty, Channel 4, 9.00pm

Well this is a turn up for the books, isn't it? Usually we have to wait until January at the very earliest for the new season of a US show to start over here - presumably because US broadcasters tend to have a couple of mid-season hiatuses which is a concept that doesn't really exist over here, so starting in January gives us just enough leeway to get to the end of the season only a week or so after our Stateside cousins do. Quite how Channel 4 is planning to work around this, considering the new season of Ugly Betty started in America precisely one week ago, we're unsure, but it's certainly one in the eye for those pesky illegal downloaders, isn't it?

If you can cast your minds back to the season finale, you'll recall it was fairly much cliffhanger central. Charlie appeared to be pregnant with the lovely Henry's baby, meaning that he had to move home to Tucson and make an honest woman of her. Ignacio was stuck in Mexico due to some immigration issues. Justin had accidentally-on-purpose sabotaged a schoolmate so he could play Tony in West Side Story. Amanda had just discovered that Fey Sommers was her mother. Daniel and Alexis were both left for dead in a car accident. And speaking of dead, Santos got shot in a convenience store robbery and we left Betty breaking the news to a distraught-looking Hilda in the middle of Justin's star turn.

So how will that all be resolved? Buggered if we know; since we've only had a week to wait, we've been doing our darnedest to keep ourselves spoiler-free. But we wouldn't bet against the baby not being Henry's, or indeed there not being any baby at all, leading Betty's One True Love back into her slightly hairy arms (but probably not for long). And we're betting that Daniel and Alexis probably aren't dead. Santos? Maybe. Now we just need it to hurry up and be nine o'clock so we can find out for sure. Welcome back, Ugly Betty. We missed you.

Labels: Channel 4, TV, ugly betty

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Friday, September 14, 2007

So it's come to this: another selection box post

We find ourselves in one of those unfortunate situations where it's 11:57pm on Thursday night and we still haven't really found anything in Friday's TV schedule that compels us to write about it at length. This may be related to our having gotten all giddy earlier today upon learning that Gethin Jones will be taking part in the new series of Strictly Come Dancing and will therefore probably be wearing extremely tight trousers at least once. It was hard to focus on much else after that.

So, with apologies for the lack of focus in this update, let's have a quick flick through the things that you might be tempted by. Living's got a new episode of The L Word at midnight, marking Cybill Shepherd's first appearance as secretly bisexual (whoops! Spoiler!) new character Phyllis. Those of you with a keen interest in sport may be interested in the Rugby World Cup Live coverage on ITV1 from 7.30; those with no particular interest in sport may still just want to stare at the thighs. That's perfectly acceptable.

There's The IT Crowd on Channel 4 at 10.00pm, which rather amused us last week, and new character Ava in Supernatural on ITV1 at 11.00pm is treated to a vision of the future that enables her to see the inside of Sam's guts. We regret to report that his innards are not nearly as pretty as his, um, outers. And it's not tonight, but don't forget that BBC2 is running a catch-up of Heroes from the beginning tomorrow night and Sunday, if anyone's slipped behind.

To conclude, here's a terrifying deleted scene (or part thereof) from High School Musical 2 that we just can't stop watching on YouTube. We think it might be amazing, but we might never reach a definitive conclusion on this one.

Labels: BBC2, Channel 4, Gethin Jones, Heroes, high school musical 2, ITV1, Living, Rugby World Cup, Supernatural, The IT Crowd, The L Word, TV

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Tuesday, September 11, 2007

The gospel according to Johnny

GOD! Johnny Vegas's Guide to...Evangelical Christianity, Channel 4, 11.05pm

There doesn't seem to be an awful lot on telly tonight that merits any great excitement. Possibly because of the date, and schedules being given over to documentaries of a memorial nature, which is absolutely fair enough, but that's not really lowculture territory. So we find ourselves turning to this, on the grounds that Channel 4's occasional strand where a celebrity introduces you to the finer aspects of a particular religion is often worth a gander.

This one's got a bit of an uphill struggle on its hands, since we'd wager a lot of people probably think they know all there is to know about evangelical Christianity anyway. After all, if we didn't, then the evangelical Christians wouldn't be doing their jobs properly. But there's apparently enough in the subject to sustain a 65-minute documentary, and enough to justify sending Johnny Vegas to Colorado to experience the whole thing up close.

It probably won't quite be Peaches Geldof on Islam in terms of the all-important WTF factor (personally we can't wait for Zac Efron's Guide to Zoroastrianism - hop to it, Channel 4!), but there's the interesting angle here where Mr Vegas trained to be a Catholic priest in his youth so he has, as they might put it in The Bill, got "previous". It looks promising, anyway, and we can't say fairer than that.

Labels: Channel 4, Johnny Vegas's Guide to Evangelical Christianity, TV

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Monday, September 10, 2007

Between a cock and a hard place

CAUGHT! Hollyoaks, Channel 4, 6.30pm

It's not that often that we get to use our "soap gaiety" and "soap weddings" tags in the same post, and to be honest we're rather stretching things to use them both here, but what the hell: it's gay-related, and it's nuptial-related. You can't say fairer than that. The reason for all this excitement is that the moment has finally come. Yep, Sarah (aka Swimbint) is about to catch Craig and John Paul together in the fair act of vest-clad buttsecks. We suspect we speak for many when we say: about fucking time too, you daft cow.

Craig, of course, is largely responsible for this situation, as he's been playing his boyfriend and his girlfriend off against each other ever since he rather improbably became a Libidinous Bisexual Puppetmaster (TM Joel on the messageboards) and, despite John Paul imploring him to make a fucking decision one way or the other, Craig seems reluctant. And indeed, when he's getting away with it, why should he care?

But in true soap fashion, it's all about to go horribly wrong - Frankie Dean, Occasional Plot-Mandated Homophobe, catches wind of Craig's engagement to Swimbint (itself a kneejerk reaction to a moment of homosexual panic) and throws them an engagement party at the Dog. An oblivious John Paul wanders into the whole thing and is a little thrown, and decides that enough is enough, and in a moment of supreme manipulation (the gays are always so good at that), deliberately sets Craig up to get caught out. Which, according to our flatmate who watched this on E4 on Friday, is the cue for some face-acting of the very highest quality. Shit, meet fan.

Labels: Channel 4, Hollyoaks, soap gaiety, soap weddings, TV

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Friday, August 31, 2007

Little bother

FINALLY OVER! Big Brother, Channel 4, 8.30/10.00pm

We vowed at the beginning of this series that we would pretend this show wasn't even on, so entirely over it are we these days. Amusingly enough, we can't have been the only ones feeling that way, since this series has by many accounts been lacking the must-see factor, and having a considerable number of viewers remembering the advice of a certain kids' TV show of a bygone age, switching off that TV set and doing something less boring instead. Perhaps it's the curse that strikes every fourth series of Big Brother and renders it utterly unwatchable, or perhaps it's just that really, no one gives a toss any more.

We can't even say that we can remember any particularly amusing events from this year - indeed, Emily's early faux pas notwithstanding, there hasn't even been any racist horseplay for the tabloids to froth over. Sometimes this show is bad, but this year it was worse: it was boring. The early promise of the all-female household was quickly squandered, producers insisted on throwing in more and more contestants in an attempt to prolong the show, but forgetting to give any of them a personality beforehand, and as the show squeaks embarrassingly to a close this week, it definitely seems to be lacking the sense of anticipation that usually accompanies the finale.

Compare this to last year, where our initial resistance to the show was worn down by the gradual emergence of the awesomeness of Aisleyne, who clearly scored the moral victory of the series by going on to become best chums with Charlie Brooker and memorably accompanying him to Glastonbury in a tent from Argos - a feat infinitely more interesting than anything that happened inside the actual Big Brother house this year. As of tomorrow, we get our schedules back, and with Celebrity Big Brother "resting" in January (read: not coming back until they can absolutely guarantee that none of the housemates secretly harbour massively racist views that will embarrass both them and C4/Endemol when broadcast), the prospect of respite is even more blissful. Cheerio, Big Brother. Don't hurry back. Now, anybody know how we can take down The X Factor?

Labels: Big Brother, Channel 4, reality TV, TV

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Friday, August 24, 2007

Crowd control

TECHNOLOGICAL! The IT Crowd, Channel 4, 9.30pm

Again we find ourselves at a slight disadvantage when it comes to writing about this show, on the grounds that we didn't really watch the first series. With that in mind, we're falling back on our time-honoured "but lots of people we know really liked it" line as an excuse to write about it all the same, with the hope that you'll forgive us for any minor (or indeed major) factual inaccuracies. Never let it be said that we are not fully embracing of full disclosure, eh?

Anyway, onwards: this be from the pen of Graham Linehan, who brought us such televisual delights as Father Ted, Big Train, and also, according to IMDB, parts of one of our favourite woefully underrated shows ever, Never Mind the Horrocks. It centres on three misfit IT workers, overly-aggressive slacker Roy, nerdy Moss and neurotic Jen attempting to oversee the other two. Arguably a fairly standard sitcom premise, but if the short clips are anything to go by, the show itself veers towards the pleasingly surreal.

Whether we'll enjoy this as much as we loved previous slot incumbent Star Stories remains to be seen, but we can't deny the pedigree behind it, and it's still an infinitely preferable viewing decision to even more Big sodding Brother.

Labels: Channel 4, The IT Crowd, TV

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Tuesday, August 14, 2007

Vegging out

PRODUCE! Jamie at Home, Channel 4, 8.00pm

There's something fundamentally disappointing about the premise of this show, being that Saint Jamie of the Betterment of School Lunches is trying to encourage people to grow their own produce and cook it. It's rather underwhelming after watching him give underprivileged aspiring chefs a chance at working in a professional kitchen, or owning their own restaurant, or indeed overhauling the diet of schoolchildren everywhere. It's a bit like having seen Madonna adopting children from the developing world and performing in elaborate arena concerts, and then watching her pumice her feet in front of EastEnders. It's disconcertingly low-key.

We can't help wondering how many people watching this will have the means to grow their own veg, much less the inclination. All we've really got space for is two window boxes of basil and parsley, and one of them is so off-colour and withered that it's starting to resemble Lisa Scott-Lee. Making things even trickier is the fact that this week's episode focuses on one of lowculture's mortal enemies - no, not Kaley Cuoco, but the courgette. Urgh. Horrid, slimy things. We're willing to bet there's absolutely nothing he can do with one of those that would be even remotely appealing to us. (Insert your own dirty joke here.)

Essentially it's the sort of food porn TV that you don't feel quite as guilty about watching, unless you happen to be watching it with a takeaway or a ready meal. Which we probably will be, unless our oft-dormant culinary urges start stirring beforehand. Probably not, though; we'll be too busy watching Hollyoaks.

Labels: Channel 4, Jamie at Home, TV

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Friday, August 10, 2007

Could it be tragic?

SADNESS! Hollyoaks, Channel 4, 6.30pm

Ever since it was asserted on the messageboards that Mandy Richardson is the most tragic character in Hollyoaks history, it seems as though everyone else has been trying to sneak that accolade away for themselves. We'd assumed that her natural successor was poor sweet Hannah Ashworth, with her impressive skill at coping through tragedy with fabulous hair and a selection of lovely coats (more on this later), but even Mandy's former battered husband Tony is trying to get in on the act.

Arguably the most tragic thing about Tony is the fact that he's the only remaining member of the original cast, but perhaps his true misfortune lies in his attempts to start a family. Of course his first child, Grace, was inexorably tied up with Tragic Mandy when the kid became a victim of cot death, a tragic situation (we're basically being paid by the "tragic" for this writeup, fyi) from which their marriage never truly recovered. Interestingly, Tony received a letter from Mandy this week informing him that she'd just had a child with her new partner, but having now unexpectedly impregnated new ladyfriend Jacqui McQueen (who, incidentally, could do so much better), there's more tragic news in store for the couple tonight. Let's just say that we shouldn't be sending them any Mothercare vouchers right now.

Elsewhere, poor doomed Hannah is still in the throes of the debilitating eating disorder hannahrexia (that's the one where you inexplicably veer between anorexia and bulimia on a day-to-day basis) thanks to the bad influence of her almost zombified friend Melissa. Gilly, taking some time off from his day job as Cousin Itt's stunt double, has been trying to figure out what's going on (he should've taken some lessons from Russ Owen's mum, really) without much subtlety, forcing Hannah to issue him with an ultimatum. And, in a hilarious piece of meta, that ultimatum takes the form of Hannah saying she'll cry rape if he doesn't leave her alone. Be sure to distinguish between good rape and bad rape, Hannah. We all learnt the difference last year, remember?

Labels: Channel 4, Hollyoaks, Soap, TV

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Friday, August 03, 2007

Oops...we did it again

We really have to apologise for our disgracefully unprofessional behaviour this week, since this is the second time that we've ended up gallivanting down the pub in the evening instead of writing our previews. If it helps at all, we had a lovely time and are now slightly inebriated, and to top it all off, we're still here writing this in the wee small hours before we go to bed, such is our devotion to you. We love you guys. Awwww. But that might be the drink talking.

So, given that we're a bit on-the-hoof again due to our lack of preparation, but also because there's frankly bollock-all worth discussing at length on tonight's telly, we're going to do a Bambi-esque gambol through various programmes at speed again, just like we did on Tuesday. It's kind of more fun this way, actually, but we'll try not to get too reliant on this as a fallback all the same. First of all, on behalf of our lovely flatmate, we're going to recommend The Shield on Five at 11pm, because it's one of her favourite shows. This may or may not be related to the broadness of Vic Mackey's shoulders and arms, but we don't know for sure; you'll have to ask her yourselves. For those of you who like your cop shows gritty, look no further, because everyone in this reeks of Eau de Corruption, and it's all the more fantastic for it. This week, the Strike Team find their position compromised by the death of a city official's daughter. We assume that the kicking of asses and the taking of names will follow shortly.

Elsewhere, there's a new Star Stories on C4 at 9.30pm, delivering a spoof on the irrepressible Tom Cruise (and on that subject, what the hell is up with Katie Holmes this days? Why does she dress like a fifty-year-old? If you know, please explain that to us), which should be good for a laugh. BBC2's got a new series of Grumpy Old Women at 10pm, and just because we can, we're going to invite you to watch our guilty pleasure: Supernatural on ITV1 at 11.00pm, where the unspeakably beautiful Sam and Dean Winchester deal with a necromancer, while angsting prettily about their unresolved daddy issues in their spare time.

That's it, then. Apologies for the brevity, and we'll see you back here on Monday, with freshly-ironed clothes and newly-polished shoes, as is our custom. Have a lovely weekend!

Labels: BBC2, Channel 4, Five, Grumpy Old Women, ITV1, Star Stories, Supernatural, The Shield, TV

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Tuesday, July 31, 2007

So it's come to this: a lowculture clipshow

Don't you just hate it when you sit down to watch one of your beloved (usually American) TV shows, only to discover that you've been cheated out of a new episode and given a bunch of rehashed and re-edited clips passing themselves off as fresh or occasionally "unseen" footage instead? Well, you're probably not going to like this then, because due to circumstances beyond our control (we got unexpectedly dragged down the pub last night when we were meant to be writing this), we're going to briefly flit across a handful of programmes that are on tonight, rather than look at any particular one in depth, and steal as much of this writeup from the messageboard as we possibly can. Sorry. Normal service will be resumed tomorrow.

Of note tonight, then: the final episode of Sensitive Skin at 10.00pm on BBC Two, which despite featuring the lovely Joanna Lumley and therefore pretty much automatically qualifying as highculture, has been widely appreciated on the boards, leading groopie to declare "I think I'm going to live on a boat" (there was probably some context for this within the show that makes more sense of it), while Cherubic commented: "I love this programme. I'm not very good at being positive, so that is all." High praise indeed.

Elsewhere, the excessively-trailed What About Brian? continues at 9.00pm on E4, but at least the trailers aren't as soul-crushingly annoying as the ones for Skins were, so we'll let it off. Most of the focus on the boards is on the fact that the show features Sarah Lancaster from Saved by the Bell: The New Class, but we gather she's not actually in this week's episode. Boo. At 8.00pm ITV2 will be exploring the 101 Sexiest Celebrity Bodies, but only down as far as number 81. Swizz! And Cape Wrath continues on Channel 4 at 10.00pm in the face of widespread public befuddlement, with comments such as "it's not really living up to its promise" from Nurse Dunkley and "I was really looking forward to this too, but it's lazy and boring" from cathybradford. Interesting how that's in the same timeslot as Sensitive Skin, the show everyone seems to love. Not that we're trying to make your viewing decisions for you. At least, no more so than usual.

Labels: 101 Sexiest Celebrity Bodies, BBC2, Cape Wrath, Channel 4, e4, ITV2, Sensitive Skin, TV, What About Brian?

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Friday, July 27, 2007

Star, that's what they call you

BACK! Star Stories, Channel 4, 9.30pm

First impressions are not always accurate, and we're big enough to admit when we were wrong. When we saw the trailers for the first series of Star Stories, we thought it looked and sounded unfunny in that obvious, Bo Selecta sort of way. And while the gags were a bit hit and miss, when it was hit the target, it left us cackling very loudly in a most undignified manner. The George Michael episode was a particular highlight, especially Boy George's tendency to scuttle into scenes like the Child Catcher from Chitty Chitty Bang Bang.

With this in mind, we're quite excited to see it back for a second series, even if the topic for the first episode seems a tad obvious (then again, subtlety was never the first series' strong point in the first place): the story of Take That. Cue an excuse for the main cast to squeeze into some not-quite-big-enough leather and PVC outfits and camp it up royally. And given that the story is subtitled 'Gary Barlow Productions Presents: The Take That Story', it's fair to say it'll be a fairly irreverent take (no pun intended) on the subject.

Friday nights aren't really the comedy haven they used to be, especially now Big bloody Brother has a chokehold on the schedule and refuses to go away, but this has the potential to brighten up the next couple of weeks. Literally, in fact, because this plays up to its tabloid-spoofing roots with some of the most attention-seeking colours possible. Bring sunglasses, just in case.

Labels: Channel 4, Star Stories, TV

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Thursday, July 19, 2007

Pop will hate itself

CONTROVERSIAL! Nazi Pop Twins, Channel 4, 10.30pm

Pop music is considered by some to be a source of infinite evil, a theory which we discovered held considerably more water when we heard Mika's latest single. This documentary, though, looks at the more literal side to that idea: a set of twins who are spreading the time-honoured messages of intolerance and white nationalism through their music and lyrics. Because presumably "save your kisses for me" or "na na na na na na na na na I just can't get you out of my head" are just not what the public wants any more.

Their names are Lynx and Lamb Gaede (indeed, why not name your children after a deodorant and the sheriff from Veronica Mars?) and together they are Wyld Stallyns! Sorry, that should be "Prussian Blue", and they're famed for their folky pop songs that often have strong white supremacist themes in the lyrics (although they claim that they are "separatists" rather than supremacists). To shed a bit of background on them, they claimed on an ABC News interview that Hitler was a great man with a lot of good ideas, and courted controversy by collecting goods for the victims of Hurricane Katrina, but stipulating that they should only go to white people. Oh, and they're 15 years old (14 at the time of making this film). Insert obligatory fuddy-duddy "shouldn't they be in school?"-type comment here.

You might expect this to be a Louis Theroux piece, except it's on the wrong channel for that. Also, apparently he already encountered them during the snappily-titled documentary Louis and the Nazis in 2003, so this time it's the turn of filmmaker James Quinn to figure out exactly what is behind this not-exactly-ordinary state of affairs, including just how much of a role the twins' mother plays in their career and beliefs. Presumably he'll have plenty of rope to hand them during the course of the programme, anyway.

Labels: Channel 4, Nazi Pop Twins, TV

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Thursday, July 12, 2007

(It's a nice day for a) shite wedding

CARNAGE! Hollyoaks, Channel 4, 6.30pm

It's a well-known fact that soap weddings never run smoothly, so why on earth would anyone want to have a double wedding? Surely that's just asking for twice the amount of trouble? Especially when both brides are members of the McQueen family, and hence are on such friendly terms with the word "trouble" that it pops around for tea twice a week. The more sensible among you might want to build some kind of fallout shelter and stay huddled in there until we give you the all-clear.

When we left things on Wednesday, it was looking a bit ropey for both brides. Mercedes ("affectionately" nicknamed Skoda on the messageboards, for what we hope are obvious reasons) had just enjoyed her hen-night, but monosyllabic (and alleged intellectual, but let's be realistic here) fiancé Russ had developed cold feet, it having only just occured to him that his bride-to-be is in fact a strident, selfish, screeching, clap-ridden* ho bag. The fact that everyone else realised this within minutes of meeting her just goes to prove that Russ is far from the sharpest tool in the shed. We're not even sure he knows where the shed is.

Speaking of mental dexterity, Tina wears glasses and enjoys books, therefore is clearly supposed to be The Brainy One in the McQueen family. Despite this, she's proved herself to be a moron of colossal proportions by jumping to a series of incorrect conclusions regarding her boring fiancé Dominic and his brother's ex-wife, Tragic Mandy. Tina is now worried that she doesn't know Dom at all, which is pretty much the risk you run when you emotionally blackmail someone into proposing to you when you've only been dating for six months, just because your sisters are all getting married and you feel left out. Having seen him in a compromising position with a not-quite-stripper on his stag night (heavens!), Tina has now decided he's impure and not worthy of her. Tina's quest for a man in Hollyoaks who is more virginal than Dominic will surely be documented in another late-night spinoff, one that will presumably run forever because she's on a hiding to nothing with that one.

So with both couples currently torn asunder, can they get to the altar on time? And even if they do, will they get through the ceremony without someone bursting in and delivering a few home truths? Don't bet on it.

*We presume she hasn't actually got the clap, since it would surely have been the subject of a Very Special Storyline complete with Channel 4 action line at the end of the programme, but given her general tendency towards wanton behaviour this state of affairs is clearly the result of luck rather than judgement.

Labels: Channel 4, Hollyoaks, Soap, soap weddings, TV

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Tuesday, July 10, 2007

Get cape, wear cape, flop?

MYSTERY! Cape Wrath, Channel 4, 10.00pm

We heard about this one a while back when it was profiled in one of the glossy trade magazines that we read, and thought it sounded rather intriguing: family under the witness protection scheme gets relocated to the slightly sinister Meadowlands estate where nothing is quite as it seems and everything has a faint sense of menace. It sounded a bit Twin Peaks-y, or at the very least, a bit Night and Day, and that sort of thing floats our boat most of the time.

The thing is, of course, it's in the Channel 4 10pm Drama Slot of Doom. Remember Goldplated? Remember Ghost Squad? Probably not, in all honesty, and with good reason: they rather struggled in the slot and either played out with little fanfare or went off adbruptly into that good night, literally, getting shunted off into a graveyard slot for the rest of their run. That's not to say that Cape Wrath is instantly doomed, but it may be sensible not to get too attached too early on, just in case we get left with a bunch of unsolved mysteries or something. Fingers crossed this one bucks the trend, eh?

We've done our usual trick of checking out the cast list to see how many recognisable faces are in it, and there's certainly no shortage: David Morrissey, Nina Sosanya, Melanie Hill and Don Gilet were the first four names that leapt out at us, so the combo of mystery and a good cast is definitely appealing to us. Also, it was filmed in Kent, where we hail from originally, so we want to see if we can recognise any of the locations, which is always fun if all else fails.

Labels: Cape Wrath, Channel 4, TV

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Friday, July 06, 2007

Vibeology - now you ask, what does it mean?

PAULA! The Friday Night Project, Channel 4, 10.30pm

The thing about The Friday Night Project is that it can be quite good, or it can be quite shit, generally depending on the guest host. David Tennant, for example, was very good. Mischa Barton, on the other hand, less so. We're not really sure which way it's going to go this week, but we can inform you that the guest host is none other than Miss Paula Abdul, which makes this OFFICIALLY THE GREATEST EVENT IN THE HISTORY OF TELEVISION.*

Currently starring in her own reality show Hey Paula on Bravo in the States (note to Living or ITV2: if you haven't done so already, please acquire the UK broadcast rights to this show, thanks), La Abdul has taken time out to pop over and host the popular offbeat Friday night entertainment show. It'll be interesting to see how well this goes, given that her ability to string a coherent sentence together on American Idol is inconsistent at the best of the times, and generally then she's only required to say "I loved it, and you look so pretty". But still! She's Paula Abdul, and is deserving of our respect. This is the woman behind 'Vibeology' and 'Rush, Rush' after all.

So we can expect another round of Who Knows The Most About The Guest Host (tragically, we suspect the answer will not be Paula herself) as well as all the usual features, but what we really want to know is whether we can expect a long-awaited reunion with MC Skat Kat? That would truly make this must-see television. (Incidentally, MC Skat Kat's Wikipedia entry is hilarious: "MC Skat Kat was an animated cat who appeared with Paula Abdul in the video for her song "Opposites Attract" in 1989. Many listeners found this confusing, as a cat is not the opposite of a human being." Well, quite.)

*This may be a slight exaggeration.

Labels: Channel 4, Paula Abdul, The Friday Night Project, TV

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Wednesday, June 27, 2007

Phil (and Kirstie) Good Inc.

HOUSES! Location, Location, Location, Channel 4, 8.00pm

When it came to deciding which show we'd write about today, it was an extraordinarily close run between this and Britain's Most Wanted Paedophiles, but ultimately...oh, who are we kidding? There was no contest at all. Location, Location, Location is back! Hooray! Welcome home, Phil and Kirstie! Is it okay if we hug you? Can we take your coats? Would you like a cup of tea, or perhaps a nice chilled glass of fruit juice? Please don't ever leave us again. (In fact, we'd like Phil and Kirstie to come to our imaginary TV People Dinner Party, along with Charlie Brooker and Aisleyne.)

We're ringing the Warning Bell of Format Tweakage here, but only gently since we don't think it sounds like a particularly disruptive one. Much like in Property Ladder, we're now focusing on two sets of people each episode, although the form here is a little clearer, since both couples looking for help from Phil and Kirstie will be in the same area, which is Glasgow tonight. As a payoff for the change, we now get a whole hour's worth of show. (Correct us if we're wrong, but we remember this show previously only being a half-hour, whereas Relocation Relocation got the full 60 minutes, so this is essentially Phil and Kirstie: Buy One, Get One Free.)

The trailers have been looking very promising indeed, particularly the bizarre shot of Kirstie doing something that looks like power-walking on a trampoline. If that wasn't enough, the Radio Times promises us that Kirstie will make one of the househunters cry. It's official: Kirstie rules.

Labels: Channel 4, Location Location Location, TV

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Tuesday, June 26, 2007

Slim pickings

RUBBISH! Three Fat Brides, One Thin Dress, Channel 4, 8.00pm

And the award for Most Morally Reprehensible Programme Title goes to... oh, wouldn't you know it, something with celebrity poo-poker Gillian McKeith in it. What are the odds? (Also, we can't begin to express our glee at finally being able to write about that woman without needing to write Dr in front of her name, even in ironic quotes. Hurrah! How does it feel to be down with the rest of the plebeians, eh lady?)

This probably won't do anything to quieten the recent accusations that Channel 4 is lacking in class and far too dependent on puerile "shock" programmes for ratings, but what-ho. Essentially this is You Are What You Eat with a more pronounced deadline, and if you can't quite figure out the variation in the format from the title, then you probably got your doctorate from the same place that Gillian got hers.

While we should add here that we're in no way mocking the desire to pursue a healthy lifestyle (indeed, we're going on a diet-and-gym routine ourselves, having noticed that we're developing something of a gut, so we'd be the last ones to criticise), we still maintain a sincere disdain for Gillian McKeith and her "I will shout at you, demean you, berate you and shove mung beans into your nostrils while you're sleeping" approach to diet management. One of these days her clients will tire of her shrewishness and trample her underfoot while revolting to the burger van, you mark our words. Either that or poetic justice will be served when she's on the receiving end of some other harridan's abuse on Celebrity Coprophilia Challenge or something.

Labels: Channel 4, Gillian McKeith, Three Fat Brides One Thin Dress, TV

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Friday, June 22, 2007

Clare in the community

TUMBLE! Hollyoaks, Channel 4, 6.30pm

We were somewhat dismayed the other day to discover a group on Facebook which claims that Clare Cunningham is long overdue a good killing-off. Frankly, we couldn't disagree more - Wednesday's episode was proof, if proof were needed, that the show needs her now more than ever. If we can cast our minds back into the annals of soap history, long before any teenage boys of Chester decided they might be quite keen on a bit of bumfun after all, the one great thing about Hollyoaks was the systematic bullying campaign that Clare was waging against Tom - and the sudden resurrection of that storyline this week brought joy into our cold, stony hearts. It's a trick that EastEnders was quick to pick up on - there are few things more satisfying (on television, in fiction, for God's sake don't bloody e-mail us) than a grown woman terrorising a defenceless child. Especially when the child is as annoying as Tom is. Clare for the win!

Anyway, in a week of shit storylines involving the Robot Katy, her thug brother and her fat boyfriend and OH MY GOD NO ONE FUCKING CARES, the one shining light has been the uncovering of Clare's various nefarious plots, including the secret abortion of Louise's either violent or boring foetus, convincing Tom that he's cursed and will eventually lead to Max's death, thus sending him off to live with Brookside's Rachel Jordache, and shopping Warren to the rozzers, thereby bringing her back to her rightful position as Public Enemy No.1. She's also done a fair bit of portentously hanging around on the balcony of the Loft, which is soap shorthand for SOMEONE WILL PUSH HER OFF THIS HAZARDOUS STRUCTURE SOON. Like tonight, basically.

As with all great soap whodunnits there's a shortlist of clear suspects: Louise, Calvin, Warren, Max and OB. They've all got plenty of motive, but which one of them has the balls? Frankly we're not too fussed as long as Claire makes a full and speedy recovery. Chester Village needs her around for as long as possible, particularly to ensure the continued torment of the annoying brats of tomorrow.

Labels: Channel 4, Hollyoaks, Soap, TV

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Wednesday, June 20, 2007

Pump up the volume

FAMILY! Brothers and Sisters, Channel 4, 8.30 & 10.00pm

It's that age-old TV problem, when the premise of a show doesn't really sound that great even if the show itself is actually pretty awesome. It's a problem we had repeatedly when trying to get people to watch Veronica Mars, after our cries of "hey, watch this show about a sassy teenage private eye!" fell on deaf ears. Similarly, when we first heard about this show, our response was along the lines of "well, that sounds boring". But, in a rather canny marketing move, pictures of hot guys making out started appearing on YouTube and we discovered they were actually scenes from this show, which got our interest up. (And only our interest, thank you - we'll have no cheap smutty jokes here.)

We've had the good fortune to have had a preview of the first episode (Channel 4 are actually showing two episodes tonight, using this to bookend Big Brother), and we can honestly say we quite enjoyed it. It's not exactly revolutionary, and there are some of those annoying bits of expository dialogue shorthand that are thrown in at the very beginning (watch for the super-lame bit where Calista Flockhart is on the phone to her gay brother as he makes it very clear indeed to the audience that he is The Gay Brother), but by and large it's interesting and well-written and the cast is extremely strong (Sally Field, Calista Flockhart, Rachel Griffiths, Balthazar Getty, Rob Lowe in later episodes etc etc etc).

As for what it's actually about, you can probably guess most of it: large family, children are all grown-up and have developed very different personalities, lots of interpersonal squabbles and lots of people sighing and looking quite put-upon (Rachel Griffiths does this a lot, but she does it very well so we don't mind). There's also the obligatory Big Secret and Tragic Life-Changing Event that happens in the first episode. It's a bit like Six Feet Under, if we have to compare it to something, but the humour is less black and it's less surreal. And fewer funerals, hopefully, even if they do have a sufficiently large cast to weather a cull or two. At least it's not trying to be bloody Lost, so it merits a quick look-in for that alone.

Labels: Brothers and Sisters, Channel 4, TV

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Thursday, June 14, 2007

Selection box

Frankly we're still in a state of shock over the result of The Apprentice last night, and we're considering boycotting all reality shows that don't involve an entirely democratic public vote that only elects the most deserving people to victory, like, um, Steve Brookstein and Michelle McManus. Anyway, we can't quite get up the enthusiasm to rant at length about one programme, so we're going to talk about a few in slightly shorter form, just for a change.

SOAP! Hollyoaks, Channel 4, 6.30pm
The rape alert is currently at maroon, which means Katy Fox is back in town. We were hoping that she might have been hit by a big red bus while in Television's London and unable to return to Chester to irritate the living shit out of us all with her horrid whiny voice and total inability to act (we've said it before and we'll say it again: when the quality of your acting is so poor that you stick out as a weak link on Hollyoaks, you've really got problems), but no such luck. The good news is that her oh-so-tragic-and-star-crossed love affair with Justin is about to be dealt a blow, because Clare's going to tell Warren all about it and he's going to interrupt their flabby lovemaking to deliver a smackdown. Hooray! We love Clare and her pantomime evil ways. Speaking of star-crossed love, Amy and Josh continue to fight for their tru luv 4 eva, in spite of the crucial facts that (a) he hit her dad on the head with a brick, (b) she's got a child he doesn't know about, and (c) they're both incredibly tedious and no one really gives a shit.

POLICE! The Bill, ITV1, 8.00pm
Simon? Really? Okay, fine, we're going to let it go now. Special mention to The Bill today as former This Life-er Amita Dhiri joins the cast as DC Grace Dasari, a part which was apparently written specially for her, which must be nice. She's thrown in at the deep end nice and quickly to help Mickey on the case of a woman trying to find her son, who's been missing for 11 years. We're assuming they've already checked outside the sweet shop where she left him.

COMEDY! My Name Is Earl, Channel 4, 10.00pm
It's been kicked around the schedules like a redheaded stepchild, but series two finally has a home on Channel 4, albeit not in the usual comedy slot. It's pioneering, though, and we're all in favour of that. Earl's taking the opportunity to revisit his list of things he needs to make right in his life, for reasons that we're not entirely sure of. Possibly just because it's season two, and that's the sort of thing you do at the the beginning of a new season, isn't it? Also of note: this is immediately followed by the film Inside Deep Throat, which sounds like a jolly romp. Have fun!

Labels: Channel 4, Hollyoaks, ITV1, My Name Is Earl, Soap, The Bill

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Friday, June 08, 2007

*sniff*

FINALE! Ugly Betty, Channel 4, 9.00pm

Seriously, we've just got something in our eyes. We are totally not crying as a result of having watched this show on E4 on Wednesday, whatever you might think. We're definitely not that girly. We do not in any way get far too emotionally attached to television characters. Oh, just go away. Stop laughing. You're all bastards.

We're not really sure what we're going to do without this show to look forward to every week. We shall miss its shininess, the insane colour scheme of the Mode offices, the insanely camp humour, the catty put-downs and one-liners (our personal favourite has to be Wilhelmina referring to Alexis as "Li'l Orphan Tranny"), the surprisingly likeable characters (especially Amanda, who's currently our joint-favourite television character on any show, alongside Nathan Petrelli), the cheesy editing, and the general sense of fun we get from watching it. Bloody hell, January feels like a long way away.

ANYway, there's a lot to get through in this episode, so we'll rush through it all whilst trying to be as unspoiler-y as possible: Wilhelmina surges ahead with her plan to marry Bradford, but at a terrible cost to Marc. Justin secures the lead in West Side Story after he probably-deliberately-but-maybe-accidentally-on-purpose gives the main actor anaphylactic shock. Betty and Henry finally declare their feelings for one another. Daniel continues to be all hepped up on goofballs, and Alexis maybe grows a heart. Amanda and Christina get drunk and maybe a little bit lesbian, while discovering some dark secrets relating to Fey Sommers. And something terrible happens. Sniff. Seriously, it's something in our eyes. Not crying. No.

Labels: Channel 4, TV, ugly betty

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Friday, June 01, 2007

So fetch!

TOMORROW! Mean Girls, Channel 4, 9.00pm (Saturday)

Fuck Friday night's television, we've got more important things to talk about. Technically we should probably have done a separate entry for this on Saturday, but we didn't want to run the risk of forgetting. After all, Saturday is our day of snorting cocaine out of the navels of cheap hookers - oh, wait, that's Lindsay Lohan's Saturday. Pre-rehab. Hopefully. Anyway, tomorrow is a very special event: the terrestrial premiere of Mean Girls, otherwise known as one of the greatest movies of the modern world.

It's hard to remember a time when Lindsay Lohan wasn't essentially a human tabloid, constantly mumbling slurred rhetoric about Al Gore and being "adequite", or leaving offensive messages on her MySpace directed at Shanna Moakler, or falling out of cars with no pants on and showing the world her firecrotch, or having very loud public arguments with whichever man she happened to be stepping out with at the time (and while we're on that subject: Calum Best? Really, Lindsay? Why must you try our patience like this? If you thought Jessica's tirade was intense, you ain't seen nothin' yet). But such a time did exist, when Lindsay had the most awesome flowing auburn locks in the world, was a surprisingly underrated actress, and made awesome movies like this one. Sigh.

There are many awesome things about this movie: It will extend your vocabulary (we'd never called anyone a "grotsky biotch", a "scum-sucking roadwhore" or a "fugly slut" until we saw this movie). It has a cast list boasting Tina Fey, Rachel McAdams, Lacey Chabert, Amanda Seyfried and Jonathan Bennett. It boasts the single greatest celluloid pratfall we've ever seen (involving a rubbish bin, and we'll say no more than that). It doesn't get any less awesome even after you've watched it 40 times (we can attest to this). It is endlessly quotable. And it's the last truly great film made by the nice Lindsay Lohan, as far as we can remember, before her bizarro alter-ego took control. So in the unlikely event that you haven't already seen it, we strongly recommend you take this opportunity, or we'll like totally call you a whore behind your back. Kisses!

Labels: Channel 4, films, Lindsay Lohan, Mean Girls, TV

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Tuesday, May 29, 2007

Everybody in the house of love

BACK! E-17 Reunited, Channel 4, 10.00pm

We're struggling to know what to make of all these pop revivals, to be honest. Obviously it's all worked out rather nicely for Take That (and our theory is that they've benefitted from a fanbase who never truly got a sense of closure from the split, and have grown up to an age now where they have a healthy amount of disposable income for albums and gig tickets), and you could argue that despite the humiliating Eurovision defeat, it's impressive for Scooch to have managed another Top 10 single. But then you've got the unfortunate return of All Saints to the dumper, and the Fiveive (which was the hilarious nickname we used to have for them, because a 5 does not look like an F however much you squint) comeback stalling before it even started. The jury's still out on whether the Spice Girls are attempting one or not, and we're sort of hoping they aren't, if only so we can continue to remember them as all-conquering girlband overlords rather than sad shadows of their former selves. Always best to go out with a bang rather than a parp.

You could argue that having a TV show is an excellent way to boost your comeback, but then it didn't exactly do great business for Gareth Gates, and the less said about boyband "super"group Upper Street the better. However, E(ast)-17 have got their own telly show, and it's a proper serious one, post-watershed on Channel 4 rather than ITV1 Saturday primetime, bookended by Dancing On Ice. This is presumably because they were a bit more hardcore than your typical boyband (we went to an all-boys school in Dover, where E17 were the only boyband you were allowed to like, or you got beatings, innit).

One particular turn of phrase in the billing worries us: "the original members have decided to launch a comeback in the hope of landing a million-pound recording contract." (Emphasis ours, obviously.) Lots of people hope to land million-pound recording contracts, after all. Doesn't mean they will. Still, this should make for interesting viewing, and will hopefully give us several opportunities to tell our "how many members of East 17 does it take to change a lightbulb?" joke to anyone who'll listen. (We'd repeat it here, but it's not the sort of thing that you can properly render in text form. Sorry.)

Labels: Channel 4, E-17 Reunited, TV

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Thursday, April 26, 2007

One less blonde to worry about

POISON! Hollyoaks, Channel 4, 6.30pm

We knew that our recent obsession with Hollyoaks and its unexpected aceness couldn't last. It had a good run, but it hasn't been quite the same since JP and Craig fell out and we sort of stopped shipping them a little bit. But don't tell anyone we said that. Apparently every time you abandon an OTP a fairy dies, or something. And since then, we're not saying we still don't make sure we catch every episode, because we do and old habits are very hard to break, but our love for the show is a little more half-hearted right now.

However! In the absence of other storylines worth getting excited about, Will decides to give Zoe an overdose. Hooray! We've had an irrational hatred for Zoe pretty much ever since she arrived - indeed, as time goes on we're starting to convince ourselves that our hatred is not irrational and is in fact entirely justified. It's partially the fact that her character biog clearly involves the word "ladette", and partially because she is the most unbelievably stupid human being in the history of everything ever. We'd list our reasons for coming to that conclusion, but we'd be here all night. Her failing to notice that Will slamming her hand in the taxi door was entirely deliberate was just about the icing on the cake, though. Her IQ must be lower than that of an ovum.

Anyway, she's attempted to put the brakes on things with Will, but she clearly forgot to read Breaking Up with Psychos for Dummies and now he's a little narked. Thanks to the magic webcam that no one's ever found, not even when she should surely have emptied her room of all personal effects in order to MOVE TO NEW YORK FOR A YEAR (sorry, still slightly angry about that one), Will sees Zak putting a drunken Zoe to bed and assumes the worse, so does what any sensible sociopath would do, and tricks her into overdosing on her pain medication, and sets it up to look like a deliberate suicide attempt. We hope he makes it look slightly more convincing than that time he slammed her hand in the door, anyway. But then, why bother to craft the perfect crime when it only has to work on an idiot? We're starting to understand Will a little better now.

Labels: Channel 4, Hollyoaks, Soap, TV

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Friday, April 20, 2007

Show and tell

FUNNY! Peep Show, Channel 4, 10.30pm

We apologise for not perhaps giving this show the due attention it deserved when it returned for a new series last week, but we had our reasons, namely (a) it was being trailed with Skins-esque fervour by Channel 4, so we assumed that most of you would remember to watch it without needing us to poke you in the shins, and (b) Sanjaya had demanded that we write about him, and who are we to disobey the future Supreme Overlord of the Universe?

There's also the added bonus that having seen the first episode, we're in a better position to confirm that the new series is indeed very, very funny. We did think that it had a bit of a quality-related wibble at the beginning of the third series, where despite still being one of our favourite shows ever, it wasn't quite at its best, although it regained a lot of ground towards the end and the final episode of last series was bloody great. The opening episode this time round had us giggling like small children, so the bar's been set nice and high, and we've got our fingers crossed for it to maintain that for the other five episodes. And the six of the already-commissioned-which-is-nice fifth series.

This week we're back in more familiar territory, where Mark's at work with his sometime man-crush Johnson, who wants Mark to give a presentation on the possibility of integrating Sales with Marketing. If he gets it right, he gets a promotion. Somehow we have a feeling it's not going to be quite that simple. Jez, meanwhile, also has a deal with Johnson - an Indecent Proposal-type arrangement with Big Suze. The words "oh" and "dear" just spring instantly to mind, don't they?

Labels: Channel 4, Peep Show, TV

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Wednesday, April 11, 2007

Sarah makes it better*

VALUE! Property Ladder, Channel 4, 8.00pm

First of all: are the trails for the new series of Property Ladder not just the greatest things currently airing on British TV (and we include all of the programmes in that)? The idea of Sarah Beeny secretly breeding a load of highly skilled and merciless property developers who have the knowledge of how to make profit from property instilled into them from nursery age fills us with glee - and the fact that she seems to be pregnant again every time we turn around only adds fuel to this fire, frankly.

So! Here's a new nine-part series of the best property show on TV (as much as we love Phil and Kirstie, Sarah Beeny is in an entirely different league. Naomi Clever? Not quite. Amanda Lamb. Close, but no gazebo. Kevin McCloud? Not in this lifetime) and it makes sense to get in at the beginning, because the last handful of the nine episodes in this series will probably be those tarted up repeats with about five minutes' worth of new footage.

In this opening episode, Dame Sarah takes on two separate sets of developers who are hoping to bump up their kids' college funds by channeling it into property. And since the profit's needed for something important, clearly they're going to take the free advice of a seasoned property developer who's made a lot of money out of it and has her own TV show to prove it, right? Like fun they are, because that's the entire point of this show. We even heard a whisper that Dame Sarah gets owned by a teenager in this episode. Let's hope her famous diplomacy skills can see her through that one.

*Anyone commenting below correctly identifying the source of this song lyric gains our eternal admiration.

Labels: Channel 4, Property Ladder, TV

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Tuesday, April 03, 2007

Career begins again

ROSLIN! Life Begins Again, Channel 4, 2.25pm

We live in hope that one day we'll find a rich benefactor to marry so that we can just give up work altogether and stay at home watching fabulously low-rent daytime TV. Until then, we'll have to keep muttering about how unfair it is that we have to work when all of these brilliant-sounding shows are on and hope that no one objects too violently to us writing previews about shows we stand little to no chance of actually getting to see, unless we get one of those massively convenient 24-hour flu bugs.

We've rather missed Gaby Roslin from our TV screens of late. Children in Need just isn't the same without her, for example, although that could have something to do with our natural aversion to anything that contains higher than our RDA of Natasha Kaplinsky. We did support her during her break from TV, though, since we saw her at a rather lowculture-skewing night out at the theatre, playing Mama Morton in Chicago (and loving every minute of the lesbian subtext, we might add) opposite the glorious Frances Ruffelle as Roxie. We're never off duty, basically.

Anyway, La Roslin is now making a return to TV with minimal fanfare, presenting this show which sounds like it ought to star Caroline Quentin but is actually about people who've made or are making massive life-changing decisions, and are brave and/or foolish enough to allow that process to be filmed and broadcast in an hour-long show on Channel 4. But they get to meet Gaby Roslin, so it's probably a good decision, all things considered. Almost enough to make us make a massive lifestyle change. Like giving up work and becoming professional watchers of daytime TV, perhaps...

Labels: Channel 4, Life Begins Again, TV

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Thursday, March 29, 2007

Hell's Belles

NUPTIALS! Wedding Belles, Channel 4, 10.00pm

Even before she flew from the ceiling fan as the brilliantly deranged Sue White on Green Wing, we had a soft spot for Michelle Gomez. As much as we enjoyed the ensembleness of The Book Group, it was always her scenes that we enjoyed the most. Therefore her presence in a lead role in this one-off drama is enough of a reason for us to recommend it to you. Oh, and it's written by Irvine Welsh as well, if that helps at all.

This has been billed as an all-female Trainspotting, except with more comedy. And hopefully fewer breakfasting families being covered in excrement. It also stars Shirley Henderson of Bridget Jones's Diary and spying on Harry Potter in the bath fame, and Shauna Macdonald from Spooks, who's playing a crack-addicted former model. And really, aren't they the best kind? Possibly even the only kind? Anyway, Michelle Gomez's character is due to marry a man with a very dark secret, and the show follows the misadventures of her and her friends in the run-up to the big day.

It has a hefty two-hour running time, so you might be advised to either record it or just have lots of caffeine tablets to hand (which is not to say that it won't be exciting enough in its own right to keep you thoroughly alert right up to the closing credits, but there's no harm in being prepared, is there?) and our favourite bastion of knowledge the Radio Times warns us that it's absolutely fucking filthy, but frankly that just sounds like another upside to us. Hoopla!

Labels: Channel 4, TV, Wedding Belles

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Tuesday, March 27, 2007

Mumbalievable

SHOWBIZ! Get Your Act Together with Harvey Goldsmith, Channel 4, 9.00pm

Sometimes we wonder if the TV eavesdrops on our private conversations - and we're not just talking about all those times back in the early days of lowculture where we were convinced that TiVo thought we were gay judging by the way he used to leave Abercrombie & Fitch posters lying around the kitchen and repeatedly suggest that we might like him to record a variety of interior design programmes for us (remember those days? Weren't they great?). But no - we think Channel 4 in particular was eavesdropping during the many conversations we had wondering what had happened to Irish R&B sensation Samantha Mumba.

Indeed, over on the messageboards just the other day, La Mumba's name was invoked as a potential new judge for The X Factor on the grounds that she'd be able to advise the contestants on what it feels like to be a successful pop star with the world at your feet one minute and be languishing in complete obscurity in the next. We never did come up with a reason, but like with so many things in life, we tended to blame Louis Walsh's incompetence for the situation. That's served us well in the past.

Anyway, top rock promoter Harvey Goldsmith reckons he can do a Gordon Ramsey for various entertainers whose stars aren't flying as high as they'd like, and before he gets to the boring people who never even got to famous in the first place, someone had the immensely wise idea to centre episode one around the attempts to organise a comeback for someone we've actually heard of: the aforementioned Samantha Mumba. Can we expect a smash-hit single to follow the likes of 'Gotta Tell You' and the frankly immense 'Always Come Back To Your Love'? Well, it's not outside the realms of possibility, but we're probably not going to hold our breath just yet, as death by asphyxiation has never really appealled... (not that we trust Wikipedia too much, but 30 tickets? Ouch.)

À propos of nothing: wasn't the dance routine to 'Always Come Back To Your Love' utterly craptacular? We're going to learn this in our spare time this week like the lame-os that we are...

Labels: Channel 4, Get Your Act Together With Harvey Goldsmith, TV

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Tuesday, March 20, 2007

No sex please, I'm Ulrika

FRISKY! Ulrika...Am I A Sex Addict?, Channel 4, 9.00pm

A lesser website might just say "yes" here and leave it at that. (We'll gloss over the part where we initially planned to do just that until we realised that that would make us one of those lesser websites that we like to spit on from up here in our ivory tower.) We, however, will endeavour to give a fair and balanced preview of this show where the perhaps unfairly maligned Ulrika Jonsson delves into an in-depth examination of other people's sexual behaviour. As always, we'll leave the crude statements about how she conducted her research to the aforementioned lesser websites.

Apparently, four million Britons are addicted to sex, as we will learn during the course of this show. Personally we're hoping to learn what the precise difference between a "sex addict" and a "skanky ho" is, and we're sure there's no person better qualified than Ulrika to tell us about it. (Whoops: try as we might, they just slip in, don't they? As the eligible gentleman said to the Ulrika Jonsson, etc etc.) Ulrika will be meeting therapists and experts in America to try to get to the root of the problem. The fact that she has to go to America to do this interests us: is it just that they're better than us at everything, including sex? Or has their sex addiction epidemic been eclipsed by the obesity epidemic? And is there not perhaps a way they could combine the two so that everyone who's dangerously overweight can trim themselves down via sexual gymnastics? It's a thought, at least.

Anyway, we like to think that we encourage you all to watch something educational every so often, and hopefully this will fall under that category. Failing that, feel free to make lots of cheap quips at Ulrika's expense, as we will no doubt end up doing.

Labels: Channel 4, TV, Ulrika - Am I A Sex Addict?

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Tuesday, March 13, 2007

Don't get too attached

CANCELLED! Kidnapped, Channel 4, 10.00pm

This has perhaps not been a banner year for US acquisitions on TV. Everyone was desperate to snatch up the next Lost or Desperate Housewives, but it looks like those were thin on the ground. For every Heroes or Ugly Betty, there's been a 3lbs (shown on BBC1 at the weekend, axed after three episodes), Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip (bought by C4, commissioned for a full series but yanked off the air in America and not looking a likely prospect for renewal) or Six Degrees (bought by ITV, pulled in America after disappointing ratings and no new episodes currently being made).

Sadly, this show falls into the already-axed-in-America camp, so while it may be worth checking out, we'd advise you not to get too invested because as fulfilling as the relationship may prove to be, it's ultimately going to be a rather short one. However, should you decide you want to fly in the face of adversity and tune in, here's how it rolls: wealthy Conrad Cain's super-awesome life hits something of a sticky patch one day when his 15-year-old son is abducted. Since no one on TV is ever wealthy through entirely acceptable moral means, Conrad's a bit of a shady character and is keen not to have all of his sordid secrets out in the open, so he turns to a surly private investigator (is there any other kind? Even Veronica Mars is quite bolshy these days) rather than confiding in The Law.

It doesn't sound that terrible as a premise, but it's not really that inventive, is it? Besides, we kept getting this one mixed up with the quite similar sounding Runaway on the CW network (also cancelled in America, not sure if anyone's planning to show it over here) and we're sure we can't have been the only ones, so perhaps even the people who were watching couldn't remember which show they were watching from week to week. Either way, enjoy it while it lasts because it'll be on its way out soon enough.

Labels: Channel 4, Kidnapped, TV

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Tuesday, March 06, 2007

Your mother sucks lollipops in hell

SPOOKY! Interview with a Poltergeist, Channel 4, 10.00pm

So, it looks like Wank Week may have been delayed, if not indefinitely postponed, but we're taking some small consolation in what we hope will not be an entirely reverent look at the supernatural in Channel 4's Occult Week. And even if it does all turn out to be a bit serious, well, we like a bit of the paranormal, even when it doesn't involve two really hot brothers taking a road trip in a kickass classic car.

Occult Week kicks off with this, Interview with a Poltergeist, documenting the events of 1997 in Enfield where 11-year-old Janet Hodgson was apparently the victim of a poltergeist - recordings were made of her seemingly being hurled around her bedroom. This doc is out to establish whether it was fo' real, yo, or whether it was all an elaborate hoax. Either way, it sounds like it could be full-on hiding behind the sofa action, and that definitely appeals to us.

And if the Occult Week takes your fancy, there's Sex, Magick and Murder on after this, and The Curse of the Ice Mummy tomorrow. If anyone wants us, we'll be putting rock salt around our doorways and windows. Just as a precaution, you understand.

Labels: Channel 4, Interview with a Poltergeist, TV

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Friday, March 02, 2007

A most unholy Church

AVOID! The Charlotte Church Show, Channel 4, 10.00pm

This is another show that we could have talked about last week, but where would the fun have been in that? This way, we get to incorporate all of the shocked, horrified, appalled (etc) reactions of the messageboard to the second series of a show that really ought to have been taken out the back and shot after its very first episode.

"Awful, awful, awful and NOT in a good way," said jerriblank. "Like sitting at home and boiling one's genitals in a vat of acid." junky admitted to having "just watched it for the Billie Piper bit.. Charlotte has absolutely no idea how to interview someone. Billie, for her part, did her best to look like she just rolled out of a crusty bed." Channel 4 can perhaps expect some compensation claims if WhiteNoiseMaker's experience is a typical one: "I cringed so hard during the theme tune song I broke my sofa." And we even got some insider information from Pensiero Bello: "I know someone who works on the show and it all sounds like a bit of a shambles. Church can't present (or sing any more) for shit, and apparently last series they'd be writing the jokes for her minutes before it was recorded."

Thus spake the lowculture jury. And that's without even discussing Charlotte's horrific obsession with duetting with her musical guests, which is rarely less than acutely painful. Tonight's edition should be particularly toe-curling, as Charlotte's guest is none other than Davina McCall. Presumably the topic under discussion will be how between them they've killed any British woman's chances of being given her own chatshow ever again between now and the year 3000. Good work, ladies. (However, congratulations on your recently announced pregnancy Charlotte, etc etc.)

Labels: Channel 4, The Charlotte Church Show, TV

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Tuesday, February 27, 2007

Dirty ho, what you havin' that baby fo'?

BABIEZ! Hollyoaks, Channel 4, 6.30pm

We apologise if that headline doesn't quite make sense, but we couldn't resist an opportunity to quote from one of our favourite episodes of Popular. It was always awesome when it had musical numbers in it. Anyway, it is sort of relevant, because after approximately two thousand years of pregnancy, Amy "Pregnant Child" Barnes is finally going to pop her sprog tonight - on the floor of the family kitchen, of all places. Classy!

Speculation has been rife on the boards as to exactly what form the baby might be taking - given the gestation period, if she happens to give birth to anything less than an elephant, then we're calling foul on the whole shebang. Of course, that would still leave the potent question of why she's had absolutely no visible pregnancy bump - especially when Becca had to walk around looking like an Alp for the best part of sixth months. We bet she's plotting some serious vengeance from beyond the grave right now.

Anyway, Pregnant Child can stop feeling so pleased with having hidden the pregnancy from her bemulleted father, her slut of her mother and her swimming bint of a sister, because once the contents of her uterus get spread all over their linoleum, they're probably going to suspect something after all. Good luck explaining that one away, kiddo. Meanwhile, in important gay news, John Paul heads off to a gay bar with his family in tow (in his defence, he specifically plans against this happening and invites boring Russ with him instead for moral support), but gets his evening ruined by that well-known killjoy Skoda, who decides that her little brother is clearly making a pass at her boyfriend, because she is incredibly stupid. She needs to read the messageboards a few times and realise how quickly you attract the ire of every single poster once you upset the marvellous JP. Silly Skoda.

Labels: Channel 4, Hollyoaks, Soap, TV

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Tuesday, February 06, 2007

You must remember this...

KISSING! Hollyoaks, Channel 4, 6.30pm

A kiss is still a kiss...except when it takes place in a soap opera, between two teenage boys, both of whom have girlfriends, because then it's not so much a kiss as it is a cataclysmic life-changing event. We make no apologies for our second Big Gay Hollyoaks Post in the space of a fortnight, because this is a matter of national importance. Folks, this is the moment we've all been waiting for: tonight is the night where Craig and John Paul give in to their obvious OTP-ness and kiss. Hooray!

It's not been an easy road to this point, since Craig submitted to the iron will of Swimbint's Magic Vagina (and if that phrase means nothing to you, we suggest you go and read the messageboard, which will make sense of everything - well, sort of) and John Paul buried his quite-gay-really feelings for his best friend and got strongarmed into dating weepy-and-needy-but-essentially- likeable Hannah. But the applecart got notably upset the other week when John Paul chose Hannah's 18th birthday party to admit his true feelings to Craig. He's been covering it up since, but now it's all going to come out again, if you'll pardon the expression.

Because Hollyoaks Comp is apparently stuck in some kind of 1960s timewarp, the Quartet of Unresolved Sexual Tension have been taking part in a dance competition. Playing the perfect boyfriend to Weepy Hannah gets a bit much for John Paul and he ends up flouncing off, only for Craig to follow him with some illicit moonshine that he snuck into the school. They get a bit wasted together, and proving the theory that the difference between a straight man and a bisexual man can be measured in units of alcohol (or possibly because they've heard all the posters on the messageboard yelling "JUST KISS ALREADY!" at the tops of their voices), one thing leads to another and the twosome finally lock lips. But of course, this being a soap opera, who should walk in on them at the pivotal moment but Weepy Hannah. Oh noes, as they say on the internet. We suspect that Hannah may not be immediately swayed by the "Craig/John Paul = OTP 4evah" argument and might just do something silly, like running off to tell Swimbint. We dread to think what the Magic Vagina will to do punish Craig after this.

Labels: Channel 4, Hollyoaks, soap gaiety, TV

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Friday, January 26, 2007

Tonight's the night

FINALLY! Hollyoaks, Channel 4, 6.30pm

It's here at last, folks. After patiently waiting for what seems like about twenty thousand years, John Paul is finally going to tell Craig that he's deeply in gay love with him. And first of all, we're going to give Hollyoaks some props for the way they've handled this storyline thus far - laying the groundwork quietly, dropping the odd hint every now and then, letting the viewers piece it together for themselves before actually starting to let it unravel; it's been an exemplary piece of storylining. Unfortunately, this means we're going to be harsher on them than ever when they resort to stupid contrived storylines that involve mass raping sprees, because now we know they're actually capable of better.

It speaks volumes about the Dean family that Craig is meant to be by far their brainiest member, and yet has somewhat stupidly failed to spot that John Paul has the hots for him, assuming instead that JP's affections lay with either Weepy Hannah or Swimbint Sarah. That little bit of wrong-footing even had us fooled for a second, if only because it's the kind of dumbass thing we'd normally expect Hollyoaks to do when they've got the perfect groundwork laid for a sensible and touching storyline - they'd completely ignore it.

John Paul hasn't exactly made things easy for himself by allowing himself to get strong-armed into dating Hannah, the anime character who cannot function unless she has a man to psychotically fling her arms around. In fact, we suspect you could replace the man with a giant carrot and she wouldn't mind, as long as the carrot told her she was prettier than Swimbint.

Tonight's Anime Hannah's 18th birthday, and to cover up his totally non-heterosexual feelings for his best friend, John Paul's trying to be the perfect boyfriend by arranging a fantastic party for her. Except Swimbint and Skanky Rhys start getting a bit too close for comfort, so Craig storms out of the party in a huff and that's when John Paul finally blurts out what he's been hiding for so long. And presumably the bastards will stick it right at the end of the episode, thus forcing us to switch over to E4 to avoid having to wait all weekend to see the fallout. This may well be the Most Important Event of Soap Gaiety this year, so don't miss it.

Labels: Channel 4, Hollyoaks, Soap, soap gaiety, TV

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Tuesday, January 16, 2007

Daily nudes

DODGY! Shameless, Channel 4, 10.00pm

So! Last week we returned to the Chatsworth Estate for more seat-of-their-pants adventures with the Gallaghers, including the somewhat unexpected return of estranged matriarch Monica. And because we're so determined to serve you, the LOWCULTURE viewership, we stayed up to watch the next episode afterwards on E4 so that we'd be able to write a full and accurate preview for you this week, even though we were, like, really tired and everything the next day. That? Dedication, friends. Dedication.

ANYway, we're greatly relieved to see the return of the incomparable Sheila this week. Last week we felt that the absence of Sheila and Kev and Veronica was a little more than we could stomach. Unfortunately it looks like Kev and Veronica are out for the rest of the series (boo!), but the return of Sheila makes up for that a little bit, at least. Naturally Sheila's a little threatened by the return of Monica, having assumed that Monica has ditched her lesbian tendencies and come back to resume where she left off with husband Frank. Quite how Frank managed to make two women care this much about him will remain a mystery to us, of course. So it's down to the ever-resourceful Debbie, working in cohorts with Monica's comedy trucker lover Norma, to try to remind Monica how good she has it as a lesbian.

Meanwhile, the Maguires are making themselves at home in Kev and Veronica's house next door, and are anxiously awaiting the return of prodigal son Jamie, who's coming to the end of a ten-year stretch. This is important to the viewers because Jamie will later start wandering around with no clothes on, and it really is quite nice to look at. Having fulfilled our constitutional duty by drawing your attention to male nudity on television today, we feel our work is done here.

Labels: Channel 4, Shameless, TV

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