Sunday, March 16, 2008
Consuming Passions
JESUS JONES! The Passion, BBC One, 8.00pm Labels: BBC One, BBC Three, BBC1, BBC3, Gavin and Stacey, jesus, The Passion, TV
RUTH JONES! Gavin and Stacey, BBC Three, 9.00pm
We wonder if God* is somehow looking down on lowculture at the moment. With I'd Do Anything last night and the imminent return of The Apprentice, Desperate Housewives, My Name Is Earl, Pulling, Eurovision and Doctor Who, and Gavin and Stacey also returning tonight, we seem to be blessed with telly abundance. So we thought we'd return the favour and also plug Jesus' programme, The Passion.
Yet another dramatisation of the last few days of the life of Jesus may not sound like perfect LC-fare, we grant you. Especially as it has all that betrayal and blood and religion and crucifixion and whatnot in it. But it still might interest you for the following reasons: 1. It is stripped across several nights, Bleak House stylee to be played out more of a soapy-drama. 2. It is on early enough to not be the gore-fest that The Passion of the Christ was. 3. It stars Prime Minister Harriet Jones (aka Penelope Wilton) as Jesus' mum, with James Nesbitt as Pilate and Tom Ellis, Dean Lennox Kelly and Paul Nicholls among the disciples. And OK, you probably know the story and the ending, but it will be interesting to see if, and how, the Beeb can make it feel new and captivating. Of course, one member of team LC had to bring the whole thing down to a wholly unbiblical level by suggesting some of the casting might mean it is also suitable for certain unwholesome pursuits (must...resist...Palm Sunday...jokes). We suggest a few Hail Marys (Maries?) and a couple of rounds of The Lord's Prayer for that young man instead.
Now onto matters of an altogether more serious nature. We loved Gavin and Stacey well before all those bandwagon-jumping awards people. And thus we are rather chuffed to see it back. And yes it IS heartwarming, but yes it is also funny with it. So that makes it just right in our book. Since the last series, Matthew Horne, James Corden and Ruth Jones have become sort-of household names (even if everyone describes them as 'that fat one and that thin one who do Big Brother's Big Mouth and all that other stuff' and 'her who played Myfanway, you know'). Joanna Page has stayed somewhat in the sidelines, which is kind of nice, as she hasn't sullied our image of her as the sweet serial engagee, (think Darren Day but nice, And a girl. And not sleazy.) Stacey.
Last time we saw our Welsh/Essex friends, Gavin and Stacey had just married, Nessa had discovered she was pregnant with (we presume) Smithy's baby and Stacey's brother had a grudge against Uncle Bryn for something we have yet to discover. So even though the central couple got together, engaged and married during series one, there is plenty of other stuff to set up new storylines with. All the usual supporting cast are present and correct for this series: Alison Steadman, Rob Brydon, Julia Davis, Larry Lamb, who has just been cast as Archie Mitchell, dad of Samantha Janus and the other one in EastEnders, and Melanie Walters, last seen playing Elliot's slightly deranged mum with the obsession for keeping the Welsh race pure in Hollyoaks. We can't quite work out if bringing elements of their soapy alter egos' lives into this show would be a work of genius or not.
What we do know is that this double bill will be the greatest thing on BBC Three since, ooh, Raiders of the Lost Ark which precedes it.
*Or the gods, or a higher being, or the force, or fate, or, in the style of Richard Dawkins, 'nothing, you ignorant fools. And stop being happy about wasting your lives watching meaningless telly drivel while you're at it. Oh, and Nick? You'll go blind.'
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Thursday, February 14, 2008
Comedy of (potentially fatal) errors
CAUTIONARY! Bizarre ER, BBC Three, 10.30pm Labels: BBC3, Bizarre ER, medicine, pratfalls, TV
BBC Three continues its trailblazing foray into high-quality multi-platform televisual goodness tonight with this not necessarily supposed to be funny (it's BBC Three; who knows) documentary series in which Crossroads star Freema Agyeman talks us through some of "the most extraordinary and eye-watering cases to come through the doors of a busy British A&E department". This first episode features pratfalls galore, with a poledancer who's fallen off her pole and a man who's fallen into an industrial cement mixer. Sounds bizarre? That's Bizarre ER! There's also a golfer who's smashed a golf ball into his girlfriend's teeth! Sounds bizarre? That's Bizarre ER! Then there's the student who's trapped his testicles under a sixty kilogram gearbox! Ooof! Sounds bizarre? That's Bizarre ER! A man with a bucket on his head! Sounds bizarre? That's Bizarre ER! An alcoholic who gets her thumb caught in the neck of a wine bottle, then gets drunk and forgets about it, goes to do her recycling a bit later, throws it into a bottle bank, smashes the bottle - thus releasing her thumb - but accidentally slashes open her wrist AND gets her arm stuck in the bottle bank at the same time! Sounds bizarre? That's Bizarre ER! An uninsured farmer who accidentally loses both arms and the best part of a foot when he tries to rescue a kitten from the thresher, thus completely destroying his livelihood! Also, the kitten doesn't survive either! Meowch! Sounds bizarre? That's Bizarre ER! A lollipop lady who gets caught up in a multi-vehicle pile-up involving - bizarrely! - a lorry containing a large quantity of lollipops, which goes on to explode right next to a petrol station, erupting in a ball of flame, blasting twisted metal and debris in all directions and impaling a number of passers-by and amateur heroes on wheel axles and shards of glass. There's blood everywhere - I mean, everywhere, right - and in amongst the pools of fire and dismembered limbs and general devastation one of the paramedics gets a nasty bump on the head from a 'MIND YOUR HEAD' sign! Whoops! Sounds bizarre? That's Bizarre ER! A ballerina who almost drowns and is pecked half to death when she stumbles into a 'Swan Lake'! Yikes! Sounds bizarre? That's Bizarre ER! A cleaner who falls into a vat of bleach! Sounds bizarre? That's Bizarre ER! Well, you get the general idea.
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Tuesday, February 12, 2008
Alright, still?
CHAT! Lily Allen and Friends, BBC3, 10.30pm Labels: BBC3, Lily Allen and Friends, TV
So, today's the day that the BBC3 relaunch starts in earnest, with two of its much-hyped new commissions airing tonight: kooky drama pilot Phoo Action at 9pm, and Lily Allen's very own chat show at 10.30pm. Obviously we're very slightly wary of popstars being given their own TV shows, since we're still psychologically scared from The Charlotte Church Show. Hopefully, Lily was taking notes while that was on, and will not at any point in this show have seemingly unending segments that are included for the specific purpose of saying how great Welsh people are and that the rest of the UK smells, or storm onto the stage with her musical guests and proceed to sing right over them in a fashion that's embarrassing for absolutely everyone involved, including the viewers.
Admittedly at the moment, there is the worrying sign that there have been pre-transmission tabloid reports that the show just isn't very good. Since the same thing happened with Charlotte's show, we're feeling a little wary at this stage. Although, there is also the fact that said report comes from the Daily Mail, and said publication may just generally be horrified at the idea that young women can go out and host chat shows when they should be at home doing the dishes.
So we're going to do the decent thing and withhold judgement unti the first episode has actually aired, but in the meantime, what can we expect? Well, apparently there will be features on web celebs, just to prove how achingly on-the-pulse this show is, and slots devoted to up-and-coming new bands. Also tonight in the we-really-hope-you-know-what-you've-let-yourself-in-for stakes is the lovely David Mitchell as an interview guest. So, fingers crossed then, because we actually don't want this to be a disaster, since Lily's already had a bit of a rough year, hasn't she? Positive thoughts, everyone!
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Monday, February 04, 2008
So, when's series 2 then?
RAUCOUS! Pulling, BBC2, 10pm
Regular readers will notice that several of your front page team (well, Steve and Rad mainly) have a slight obsession with Pulling, or, to be more precise, trying to find out when the fabled second series is going to start (we have heard there is going to be one, just no details of when). But perhaps its first showing on BBC2 indicates series 2 is one step closer. We can dream, anyway.
For those of you foolish enough to miss this on BBC3, you must tune in to it this time around. Alongside Gavin and Stacey it proves that the channel is still capable of churning out great quality comedy with loveable characters (Unlike the sweet Gavin and Stacey though, the humour of Pulling is pitch black throughout). Or at least that it was. We are utterly terrified by the prospect of the channel's revamp, as everything we have seen in the trailers looks rubbish.
Pulling centres around the love lives and other antics of three friends: Donna, the 'heart' of the show, played by Sharon Horgan, who dumps boyfriend Carl at the start of the series; Louise, played by Rebekah Staton, who initially seems to be the 'spare part' (see also Louise in Two Pints.... What IS it with that name?) but is actually very funny and may well be your favourite by the end of the series; and the 'real' star of the show, Karen, played by Tanya Franks (Renie in EastEnders). Karen is our kind of character: bold, brash, lewd, irresponsible, cutting and very funny.
We can pretty much guarantee they will be your new telly best friends within a couple of episodes, and that, like us, you will soon be clamouring for the fabled series 2....
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Sunday, January 13, 2008
Sunday: the new black
MULTIPLE CHOICE! Lots of Shows, Lots of Channels, Lots of Times Labels: BBC1, BBC2, BBC3, Channel 4, Damages, Dancing on Ice, Half Ton Mum, ITV1, Kingdom, Lark Rise, Liverpool 08, Louis Theroux, Phantom of the Opera, Robyn, Two Pints
Oh, the life of a member of team lowculture. You wait days for something interesting to write about, and then suddenly a whole bunch of shows come along at once. Tonight sees a veritable feats of LC-tastic telly, so much so that we're doing a bumper preview, the like of which hasn't been since here since, ooh, Christmas and New Year.
First off the blocks today (and possibly the most highly anticipated on the forums, not least for traditional sweepstake shenanigans) is Dancing on Ice, on ITV1 at 5:50 and 8:50pm. Much has been made of this appearing on a Saturday night, apparently too scared of The One and Only, but maybe ITV just thought if they slung this on the same night as TV Burp and Primeval, there'd be nothing left for the rest of the week.
Anyway, even if you haven't watched this before, exciting reasons to pay attention: 1) The judges have been joined by Ruthie Henshall, which gives this more credibility than it has ever had thus far; 2) The contestants include Suzanne Shaw, Tim Vincent, Samantha Mumba, Steve Backley and SARAH GREENE (who we wish could have done Strictly Come Dancing, but seeing as this teams her back up with Pip Schofield, we don't mind too much); 3) Some of the LC community have set up Bitching on Ice, a commentary blog, which will make it worth it even if the show itself proves to be less than ace.
After this (or rather, during the last ten minutes of filler), you should turn your attention to BBC1 at 7:40pm, where Lark Rise to Candleford continues the channel's current period drama obession. This is made all the more watchable because it features LC faves Liz Smith, Julia Sawhalha (fresh out of Cranford), Mark Heap, Dawn French, and, in a starring role, Olivia Hallinan. Frocks, hairdos and maybe even the odd bonnet - what more could you want on a Sunday night?
Well, you may be torn, because opposite this at 8pm on Channel 4 is the terrestrial premiere of The Phantom of the Opera. Addmittedly it's not all that great, and it shows up the flimsiness of the musical's plot in a way the stage version can almost camoflauge. But the songs! And after recent episodes of The X Factor and When Joseph Met Maria we will always now be replayng this in our heads with a starring cast of Lee Mead, Connie Fisher and Rhydian Roberts, something Andrew Lloyd Webber is no doubt working very hard to make happen as we speak.
And the TV goods keep on coming. On BBC2 at 9pm, we see the latest in Louis Theroux' occasional series of documentaries, Louis Theroux: Behind Bars. We have much enjoyed his recent documantaries on cults, gambling and liposuction, and his time in San Quentin prison promises to be just as entertaining, illuminating, challenging and heatbreaking. If you fancy something a little more cosy, then 9:20pm on ITV1 brings you the new series of Kingdom. We have never watched this, but it stars Stephen Fry, so it's probably a fairly safe bet. And if all you want is a bit of fairly average but occasionally amusing comedy, BBC3 brings you yet another series of Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps at 9pm. We have never seen a full series of this, only ever the occasional episode on BBC3 when there was nothing else on, so our understanding of the show's timeline is completely skew-whiff. We expect to watch the new series in much the same manner.
Still not enough for you? Well, More4 repeats the surprisingly touching Half Ton Mum at 10pm, BBC1 screens episode 2 of Damages at 10:30pm, BBC2 features the opening weekend of Liverpool 08 at 10:45pm and Channel 4 has a profile of Robyn at 12:35am.
Never let it be said that you're not spoiled for choice, people.
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Sunday, December 16, 2007
O come, all ye faithful
Labels: BBC3, Channel 4, christmas, liverpool nativity, make me a muslim, religion
CONTROVERSIAL! Make Me a Muslim, Channel 4, 8pm
SONG-TROVERSIAL! The Liverpool Nativity, BBC3, 8pm
Before we begin today's previews, let's take a moment to reflect on THAT result. Yes, we know.
OK, moment over, let's move on, people.
So... it is at this time of year that our thoughts turn to the spiritual side of life (unless like us, you're doing a research project on religion on telly, in which case you think about it all the time), and we don't just mean of the alcoholic variety, ba-dum-tish.
In a slightly bizarre feat of scheduling, we see two shows with a loosely spiritual/religious dimension on at the same time tonight. So, which should get the lowculture vote?
Well, should this influence your choice at all, Channel 4's offering, Make Me a Muslim runs across three consecutive nights, not weeks, as you might expect. This already controversial 'reality' show follows six volunteers as they adopt an Islamic lifestyle for three weeks and try and live according to the values of Sharia Law. All well and good, but didn't BBC2's The Retreat do something very similar early on in the year?
Anyway, early reports (well Newsnight Review anyway) suggest the show is engineered for conflict, with participants including extreme stereotyped characters (e.g. the truck driver who 'just happens' to have a huge stash of porn, the gay man who 'just happens' to dress in women's togs from time to time), so we don't expect too much. But it should still hopefully be interesting.
BBC3's one-off offering, The Liverpool Nativity is one of those things that will either be a triumph-against-all-odds, or an unmitigated disaster. Following on from 2006's actually very moving Manchester Passion in which the story of Easter was set against a backdrop of Manchester-based songs, and featured local actors and pop stars in the main roles, this show does the same for the Christmas story, but sets it in Liverpool. See what they did there?
Promising to feature the songs of The Beatles, Echo and The Bunnymen, The La's, The Kalxons and, er, Cast, this also boasts a very LC-friendly cast, including Jennifer Ellison, Nerys Hughes and Geoffrey Hughes (Onslow from Keeping up Appearances. Yes, we know he was in Corrie and The Royle Family as well).
We hope this will be as entertaining and emotive as its Manchester counterpart (although to be honest, we don't hold out too much hope), but we'd still rather they stopped the series here and didn't attempt the Sheffield Pentecost, much as we'd like a starring role as an extra, and to see how Disco 2000, Don't You Want Me and I Bet You Look Good on the Dancefloor could be turned into loosely Biblical messages.
Peace and goodwill to all of you, lovely people. And remember, the true meaning of Christmas is to download Mariah's All I Want for Christmas Is You and cause an upset in the Christmas Number One stakes...
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Wednesday, October 31, 2007
Hallowedding
TRICK? Coronation Street, ITV1, 7.30pm Labels: BBC3, Coronation Street, Drop Dead Gorgeous, Halloween, horny orange teenage sociopaths, ITV1, soap weddings, TV
TREAT! Drop Dead Gorgeous, BBC3, 9.00pm
Pumpkins! Satanic overtones! Stupid costumes! Going begging from door to door! Something about All Hallow's Eve brings out the romantic in Weatherfield residents, and who can blame them? It's two years to the day since Jason ditched Lovely Violet at Les and Cilla's shambolic wedding reception and threw it up Sarah, and the fairly happy, quite stupid couple are having a second crack at tying the knot. This being Halloween (and Coronation Street), there's at least one obstacle to the couple's long-term happiness in the shape of David, Sarah's demonic half-brother. Having been banished to the shadows after two years of increasingly sociopathic behaviour, culminating in the accidental poisoning of his wind-up niece with ecstasy tablets, resentful David's attempts to sabotage the occasion have left Jason on crutches and the feuding Platts and Grimshaws on better terms than they have been for years. With his father apparently uninterested (when IS Martin going to get dragged back into a David storyline?), his mother and sister refusing to let him near the wedding, and his serial killing dead stepdad doing the voiceover on the trailer for tonight's episode (nice touch!), David looks set to do something rash.
So, Monday saw Sarah destroy David's suicide note, firmly convinced of his ability for world class manipulation and certain that it was just another trick to ruin her big day. But, look! There's two people in fluorescent jackets at the church, and they're not the ushers (we assume), so something must be up. Possibly involving witchcraft or, at the very least, David's car and one of Salford's beautiful canal basins. Whatever the outcome of tonight's hour-long special, we can only hope that all involved will learn from their mistakes/trauma, take stock and grow into better people. Will Sarah learn to be sympathetic to her brother's problems? Will David learn to stop terrorising his family and being endearingly surly and offhand with the rest of the Street? Will they fuck. You've turned out two diamond kids there, Gail. Well, they can't all be Rickitts.
Further matrimonial delights are to be had over on BBC3 where, true to the spirit of the channel, a repeat run of the brilliant second series of Drop Dead Gorgeous starts barely a week after it finished. Murray's glittering civil partnership ceremony kicks off six turbulent weeks of sex, jealousy, knicker theft, death, deception, dognapping, relocation and, yes, more sibling rivalry for teenage model Ashley Webb, her supremely dysfunctional family and their friends. While blessed with a fantastic cast in the central roles (including Corrie alumni Lee Boardman and Kathryn Hunt as bitchy agent Murray and desperately capable matriarch Pauline), the second series' crowning glory is the subtle, touching relationship that develops between school canteen manager Val and sensitive headmaster Howard. Worth sticking with for six weeks just for their heartrending (yes, our heart really was rended/rent) scenes in the finale. And Murray's 'special relationship' with Ashley's nan, obviously. Bless!
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Tuesday, August 07, 2007
Somebody's gonna get their head kicked in tonight
FIGHT! Last Man Standing, BBC3, 9pm Labels: BBC3, Last Man Standing, TV
This had escaped our attention until it was recently flagged up on our messageboard. While at first glance it might look like load of boringly macho gap year exploits, according to lowculture viewers, we just need to realise that Last Man Standing is essentially all about "lovely topless men fighting". Suddenly it starts to sound rather good!
Like Fight Club meets Tribe, Last Man Standing sees a bunch of rather nice chaps trot around the globe to participate in traditional ceremonies of the extremely painful variety. It's not all scantily-clad fisticuffs though, sometimes they take time out to horrifically injure themselves and consume local hallucinogenic substances in an effort to blend in with their hosts.
Resident fans of the show, essexgirl and thelovelykate, recommend that we keep our eyes peeled for "Mark the Brummie salsa dancer and kick boxer", rage-fuelled BMX bandit Jason and the "hot and amazing at everything" Rajko. Credit where credit is due, last week, Rajko spectacularly won a cricket match despite the fact his foot was virtually hanging by a thread after his sandal met with the business end of his own axe.
Unfortunately, we've missed most of this series and there are only two more episodes to go, but they promise to be a veritable jamboree of hot man violence. Tonight, the lads are in Senegal to try their collective hand at the national sport of wrestling terrifyingly massive guys. Who will be the last man standing? Who cares? It's the semi-naked taking part that counts!
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Monday, July 30, 2007
Somewhere beyond the C
PROFANITY! The C Word: How We Came To Swear By It, BBC3, 10.30pm Labels: BBC3, Harry Hill's TV Burp, The C Word
Some of you are probably clutching your pearls already, so if it makes you feel any better, we tried really hard not to write about this programme, but the temptation was just too strong. We did wonder how best to approach it without causing offence, which got us thinking: really, it's just a programme about words, isn't it? Isn't it really just Balderdash and Piffle with a slightly higher potential to offend? We could technically proceed further down the "isn't it really YOUR problem?" school of thought, but we're not looking to get into a fight, so we won't.
We don't maintain any illusions that this is a family website, but we'll refrain from actually using That Word in this preview just to be on the safe side, especially since there are those who would argue that since lowculture is a predominantly male website, editorially speaking, we don't even have the right to say it because we don't have one. Which is an interesting point, but then you return to the old argument where you say that you can say "umbrella" without actually having one, especially if you're Rihanna, so what's the difference?
ANYway, for those of you who haven't already guessed, this is an exploration of what is arguably the English language's most powerful expletive, and the one that is still surrounded by a pretty strong sense of taboo. Will Smith (the British one, thankfully - and hopefully this clarifies why we're using his picture to illustrate this, just in case anyone assumed we thought he was a you-know-what, which we swear on a stack of Bibles - or copies of Inside Soap, whatever's to hand - that we absolutely don't) will be exploring the word in more detail and trying to figure out why it riles people so much, with the help of some ubiquitous talking heads. Not one for the easily offended, we suspect. (And also FYI, if you really don't like That Word, you're probably best off steering clear of the Hollyoaks thread on the messageboards, just to be on the safe side.)
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Thursday, May 10, 2007
Semi-detached
EURO! The Eurovision Song Contest Semi-Final, BBC3, 8.00pm Labels: BBC3, Eurovision, TV
Call us sentimental traditionalists if you like, but for us Eurovision has never quite been the same since SM:tv got axed and we were robbed of the opportunity to hear the "na na Europop, dingle dangle wingle wangle" song on the corresponding Saturday every year. That was awesome. We'd rant about the indignities that Cat Deeley has been reduced to since those glory days, but that's for another time, and another angry post about American Idol.
So, Eurovision then! Not the main event yet, obviously, because that will be on Saturday, but the semi-final in order to determine which eager countries will be triumphant in securing one of the ten remaining places in the big event. And at this stage, we'd like to thank our lucky stars that the sheer amount of money the UK puts into the contest guarantees us a place every year, otherwise we'd probably be quite screwed by now. Either that, or it would have persuaded us to finally send an act with some small hope of winning, it's hard to tell.
Last year we didn't bother to watch the semis, a decision we regretted the very next day when we learnt we had missed the awesomeness that was Silvia Night. We'd urge you to learn from our mistakes on this one, frankly, because you don't want to miss the drag-tastic Danish entry (even though that concept's a bit old hat now, isn't it?) or the swirly arm dancing of the Estonian entry, which sounds a bit like the cuttings of Kelly Clarkson's studio floor. If Kelly Clarkson were Estonian. Possibly. Also, we like this little nugget from the official Eurovision website, on the selection of the hosts: "The work group preparing the selection at YLE processed very many names of individuals and couples, from which Jaana PELKONEN and Mikko LEPPILAMPI were selected after long deliberation and even camera tests." Even camera tests, eh? They really pulled out all the stops! Good work, though, because both hosts look quite fit, which is a bonus. Off we go to Europeland, then. Get your voting fingers ready.
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Monday, March 05, 2007
Doggy style
HOORAY! Help! My Dog's as Fat as Me, BBC3, 8.30pm Labels: BBC3, Help My Dog's as Fat as Me, TV
We've got to hand it to BBC3 right now; they've got an eye for what works. After everyone on the messageboard went nuts for Fat Men Can't Hunt and we decided that Dog Borstal might just be our favourite non-terrestrial pre-watershed programme right now, they appear to have spliced some ideas from each together to come up with the brilliantly titled Help! My Dog's as Fat as Me.
Leaving possible problems with the format aside (what do you do if your dog's a bit porky but you keep quite a trim figure yourself?), this sounds like reality-doco gold: eight obese owners with similarly pampered pooches compete with each other, Fat Club-style, to see who can lose the most weight over an eight-week period. The winner stands to receive the coveted Fat Dog Champion 2007 award. We bet that'd look nice on the mantlepiece, to misquote the Arctic Monkeys.
One slight downside: the presenter is shame vortex Julian Bennett, of Queer Eye UK and The Jules and Lulu Show "fame", but perhaps he's lining up to compete in the sequel: Eek! My Dog's as Gay as Me? That could be interesting too...
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Thursday, February 15, 2007
Pubic enemy
CLAP! Sex, Lice and Videotape, BBC3, 9.00pm Labels: BBC3, crabs, fabulous prizes, Sex Lice and Videotape, TV
BBC3’s Coming Of Age Season ploughs on with another candid look into the lives and, this week, the pubes of Britain’s teenagers. Yet again, they’ve come up with a documentary that seems far more suited to the game show format, but here the distinction is so vague as to be barely noticeable. Basically, it’s Russian roulette with a rash, as the six teens/young people are filmed going to the local discotheque, finding someone to have sex with, having sex with them (possibly not on camera, but Skins is on E4 straight after this if you’re interested in that sort of thing) and then taking a trip to the clinic to see whether they’ve scored the STI jackpot.
Being a responsible website, of course, lowculture has a duty to address some of the important issues and questions raised by this programme. Is sex a guarantee for today’s young person on the pull? We’re happy to report that, yes, if you’re aged between 16 and 22 you are guaranteed sex wherever you seek it, and if you haven’t yet found it there’s something wrong with you. Is it a good idea for a television programme to encourage casual sex among the young? Once again, we’re pleased to announce that, yes, it is absolutely fine if the programme is aired in an educational context, and also if the basic premise is quite amusing. But should sex be presented to the modern young as a risky recreational activity rather than the natural next step in a tender, loving relationship? Well, there’s an argument for that, of course, but Valentine’s Day was yesterday, and besides, there’s a whole host of FABULOUS prizes to be won!
So, with the teens/young people barely finished fucking, they’re dragged off to the clinic for the final tally-up. Two points for chlamydia and gonorrhea (double points for correct spellings), five for crabs (with another five if you can catch one and teach it to tap dance) and ten for herpes and syphilis (yes, sores WILL be counted in a tie-break situation). The most riddled teen/young person wins a car, a truckload of antibiotics and a little cluster of blurry pixels over their face for the duration of the programme, while the runners-up win a toaster, a truckload of antibiotics and kudos for having had a urine test on national television. Consolation STIs will be on hand for anyone who didn’t manage to catch a single one, and hopefully everybody will come away with a clearer sense of the dangers of genitals and the magic of infections. If anyone’s still pissing blood a month later, that’s their problem. Gonorrhiffic!
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Thursday, February 08, 2007
Porn to make you happy
ZOMG PR0N! Teens Hooked On Porn, BBC3, 9.00pm Labels: BBC3, Teens Hooked On Porn, TV
There are those who might say that the current popularity of "shock docs", or whatever you want to call them, is a sign of television dumbing down. We'd probably disagree with that. In fact, we rather like the fact that there are shows with titles like the above, because within a nanosecond of reading that title we knew we wanted to watch this programme. Think how much time that saved us!
Judging by the level of activity taking place on the Fat Men Can't Hunt thread on the messageboard, we'd say that an attractive title such as this can do a programme the world of good. lowculture prefers not to reveal its age, but we feel that the existence of such a programme signals how times have changed since we were kids. There was no internet broadband pornography channel in those days, oh no. You had to get the train to London and ask the man in the dirty mac at the end of Old Compton Street for the password, and walk seven miles through an ill-lit corridor to pick up a black market copy of Night Of The Giving Head for the princely sum of £300, and you were glad of it. But we digress.
So: teenagers. Addicted to porn. On the internet, and possibly also through other methods. They just don't know how good they've got it, do they? Just they wait until the selection process starts for My 1970s Porn Life, where Endemol take away your broadband connection and force you to hunt for porn under the neighbour's mattresses, the way your dad used to have to.
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