Tuesday, March 18, 2008

Blame the parents

PARENTAL! ONE Life, BBC One, 10.35pm

This is a curious one. It's a programme looking what it's like to be a pop star's parent. Yet it's not on Sky One, or ITV1/2, or Five, but in BBC One's quirky real lives strand, ONE Life. And it's not on in prime time, either, but late into the evening. We're not really sure that the whole point of this is, or where it's going, but it's a topic that hasn't really been covered so much by telly, so it may be interesting.

The parents here are those of a right rum assortment of pop stars: Courtney Love, Anthony Kiedis, Amy Winehouse (surely the show's big draw), er, Asher D from So Solid Crew, and, umm, Suggs. Presumably they will be expressing their disgust at their children's experiments with drugs, drugs, drugs, guns, and er, terrible fishfinger adverts.

Seeing as Anthony Kiedis' father is renowned for getting him into drink, drugs and women, and Amy Winehouse's parents are no strangers to the media (they have frequently publicly denounced her behaviour and famously told people not to buy her albums), this could be interesting. But we are really intrigued as to a) how they managed to get Courtney Love's family here (will Steve Coogan be brought up??) and b) why on earth Suggs' family are here.

We also get to see lots of baby photos of the stars, including Amy looking like a young Alanis Morissette. Come to think of it, Alanis hasn't released a record since, ooh, about the time Amy hit it big. Could this programme reveal that they are, in fact, one and the same? And what has Suggs done to poor old Captain Birdseye in order to bag that advertising contract? These are the things we really need to know...

Labels: BBC One, BBC1, ONE Life, parenting, pop stars

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Sunday, March 16, 2008

Consuming Passions

JESUS JONES! The Passion, BBC One, 8.00pm

RUTH JONES! Gavin and Stacey, BBC Three, 9.00pm

We wonder if God* is somehow looking down on lowculture at the moment. With I'd Do Anything last night and the imminent return of The Apprentice, Desperate Housewives, My Name Is Earl, Pulling, Eurovision and Doctor Who, and Gavin and Stacey also returning tonight, we seem to be blessed with telly abundance. So we thought we'd return the favour and also plug Jesus' programme, The Passion.

Yet another dramatisation of the last few days of the life of Jesus may not sound like perfect LC-fare, we grant you. Especially as it has all that betrayal and blood and religion and crucifixion and whatnot in it. But it still might interest you for the following reasons: 1. It is stripped across several nights, Bleak House stylee to be played out more of a soapy-drama. 2. It is on early enough to not be the gore-fest that The Passion of the Christ was. 3. It stars Prime Minister Harriet Jones (aka Penelope Wilton) as Jesus' mum, with James Nesbitt as Pilate and Tom Ellis, Dean Lennox Kelly and Paul Nicholls among the disciples. And OK, you probably know the story and the ending, but it will be interesting to see if, and how, the Beeb can make it feel new and captivating. Of course, one member of team LC had to bring the whole thing down to a wholly unbiblical level by suggesting some of the casting might mean it is also suitable for certain unwholesome pursuits (must...resist...Palm Sunday...jokes). We suggest a few Hail Marys (Maries?) and a couple of rounds of The Lord's Prayer for that young man instead.

Now onto matters of an altogether more serious nature. We loved Gavin and Stacey well before all those bandwagon-jumping awards people. And thus we are rather chuffed to see it back. And yes it IS heartwarming, but yes it is also funny with it. So that makes it just right in our book. Since the last series, Matthew Horne, James Corden and Ruth Jones have become sort-of household names (even if everyone describes them as 'that fat one and that thin one who do Big Brother's Big Mouth and all that other stuff' and 'her who played Myfanway, you know'). Joanna Page has stayed somewhat in the sidelines, which is kind of nice, as she hasn't sullied our image of her as the sweet serial engagee, (think Darren Day but nice, And a girl. And not sleazy.) Stacey.

Last time we saw our Welsh/Essex friends, Gavin and Stacey had just married, Nessa had discovered she was pregnant with (we presume) Smithy's baby and Stacey's brother had a grudge against Uncle Bryn for something we have yet to discover. So even though the central couple got together, engaged and married during series one, there is plenty of other stuff to set up new storylines with. All the usual supporting cast are present and correct for this series: Alison Steadman, Rob Brydon, Julia Davis, Larry Lamb, who has just been cast as Archie Mitchell, dad of Samantha Janus and the other one in EastEnders, and Melanie Walters, last seen playing Elliot's slightly deranged mum with the obsession for keeping the Welsh race pure in Hollyoaks. We can't quite work out if bringing elements of their soapy alter egos' lives into this show would be a work of genius or not.

What we do know is that this double bill will be the greatest thing on BBC Three since, ooh, Raiders of the Lost Ark which precedes it.

*Or the gods, or a higher being, or the force, or fate, or, in the style of Richard Dawkins, 'nothing, you ignorant fools. And stop being happy about wasting your lives watching meaningless telly drivel while you're at it. Oh, and Nick? You'll go blind.'

Labels: BBC One, BBC Three, BBC1, BBC3, Gavin and Stacey, jesus, The Passion, TV

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Saturday, March 15, 2008

Nancy, boys

SWINDLE! I'd Do Anything, BBC One, 7.30pm

Saturday nights haven't been the same since Lee Mead, Daniel Boys and co got themselves a whole bunch of nice West End jobs (and Seamus got to appear in, ahem, a Michael Jackson tribute show). And whilst several LC members have enjoyed seeing the gents tread the boards, we have been missing the cruel spectacle wonderful thrill of choosing a New West End Leading Lady or Man (TM) and seeing the losers cruelly serenaded on their way out. Though 'So Long, Farewell' and 'Close Every Door' are going to take some beating, particularly the ace coat removing gesture the boys had to go through.

So naturally we were all very excited when I'd Do Anything was announced. OK, certain members of the forum were a little unimpressed that there would be no male talent to drool over, but that disappointment was quelled by the knowledge that not only would we see a group of ladies competing to be Nancy, we'd get to crush the hope of dozens of stage school brats as we chose the Olivers. When it was announced that Cameron Mackintosh would take over from orange David Ian and Betty Turpin's son as the theatre bod, Barry Humphries would join the panel and Zoe Tyler wouldn't be there, expectations grew all the higher.

Unfortunately, last week, it was revealed that the public would not have a role in voting for the children, and Andrew and Cameron would be doing all that stuff themselves. Boooo! We can't think why. After all, letting under-16s onto the recent series of The X Factor was such a spectacular success (*cough*).

The forums erupted in a blaze of fury at this announcement:

'Not only are they denying us child labour, they're now taking away our viewer vote. Do they not want tears?' - Muinimula

'Well what's the fucking point of having the Oliver quest then?' - Sparkle

'Bloody hell, weeping ten year old stage school brats was the only reason I was going to tune in. If you're not casting Oliver in Oliver, then who cares anyway?' - Jetsetwilly

Never mind, people, we're sure there'll be plenty of chance to vent your spleen and indulge in some Barrowman/Van Outen bashing in the chatroom tonight. But be warned, at times like this it can be standing room only in there...

Labels: Andrew Lloyd Webber, BBC One, BBC1, child labour, I'd Do Anything, TV

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Friday, March 14, 2008

Good Sports

CHARITY! Sport Relief, BBC One, 7.00pm & 10.45pm and BBC Two, 10.00pm

What are your favourite TV charity marathon moments? This correspondent is torn. Would it be Comic Relief 1987 where she got to go to school dressed as a clown, which somehow meant being able to wear pyjamas, which was absolutely ace? Or ITV Telethon 1990 where Grimsby theatre group Stage One released a dreadful single, 'Power to the Pupils' in league with Jive Bunny that sold so badly every household in Grimsby ended up with at least three free copies? Or could it be Children in Need 1993 with the Doctor Who and EastEnders er, classic, crossover, Dimensions in Time? Or, you know, that time when Dawn French songged Hugh Grant? One thing it's not likely to be, though, is any Sport Relief moment.

We are veterans of the charity telly marathon here, and yet we cannot remember a single moment of any previous Sport Relief event. Other than David Walliams swimming the channel, which we are assuming was for Sport Relief. That doesn't mean we are against the idea of sport and charity collaborating. After all, we totally remember Sport Aid with its 'Everybody Wants to Run the World' theme tune. It just means this event has been less than memorable in the past.

Still, this year it seems they are pulling the stops out a bit with the telly extravaganza. Highlights include Jonathan Ross v Parky in a 'battle of the chat shows' (Wossy, obviously), Jimmy Carr hosting A Question of Sport Relief, the unlikely collaboration between Top Gear and the long dead Ground Force (that's the bit on BBC Two when the 'main' channel goes to the news), and, best of all, the climax of Sports Relief Does the Apprentice when one of the hapless men gets fired (our money is on Kelvin MacKenzie - Sralan doesn't seem so keen on former tabloid editors) and Sport Relief Does Strictly Come Dancing which includes Gemma Bissix (Dame Clare Devine/Bates) and Elaine Paige, although given that they would be in our dream line-up for Strictly proper, we have mixed feelings about them being here.

Anyway, lest we forget, this is all for a good cause - supporting a variety of projects in the UK and overseas. So don't forget to go and donate.

Labels: BBC One, BBC Two, BBC1, BBC2, charity, Jonathan Ross, Michael Parkinson, Sport Relief, Sport Relief Does The Apprentice, Strictly Come Dancing, top gear

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Wednesday, March 12, 2008

Funny Business

SRALAN! Sport Relief Does The Apprentice, BBC1, 9.00pm

We are sooooooo excited about this we can barely contain ourselves. In the name of Sport Relief (we were going to put call '0800 whatever' here, but the BBC website doesn't appear to have a number for the donation hotline on yet), ten celebrities get to play business with Sralan Sugar and get their egos well and truly deflated by Nick and Margaret in the process, before one of them, presumably during Friday night's telethon extravanganza, gets fired.

They'll have to go something to beat last year's stonking Comic Relief Does the Apprentice which featured Rupert Everett throwing a hissy fit and leaving, Trinny Woodall calling the whole world to help out, Cheryl Tweedy Cole being ruddy marvellous and Sralan struggling to only choose one to fire out of Piers Morgan and Alistair Campbell. But the format is always telly gold, so we are hoping for an early highlight of 2008 here.

The line-up this year may not be *quite* as star-studded as last, but it should still be entertaining. The boys' team consists of reality TV veterans Phil Tuffnell and Hardeep Singh Koli (who was ROBBED by Matt Dawson in Celebrity Masterchef), former Sun man Kelvin Mackenzie, slightly faded TV presenter Nick Hancock and Cheeky-Girl-lover and MP Lembit Opik.

The girls' team consists of token telly businesswoman Jacqueline Gould (we only hope Sralan will give her a bit of a ribbing over ITV's late, unlamented, begging show, Fortune), former George Clooney flame (and, er, model?) Lisa Snowdon, Claire Balding (who is always a little school-teacher ish and therefore will rule at this kind of thing) and LC faves Louise Redknapp and Kirstie Allsop (somewhat unexpected of Channel 4 to let her do this when they apparently have always refused permission for her to do Strictly Come Dancing, according to some Kirstie interview we read once. Maybe we should start a Facebook group for her or something).

Going on those team line-ups, we assume that the boys do not have a hope in hell.

Labels: BBC One, BBC1, charity, Sport Relief Does The Apprentice, The Apprentice, TV

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Thursday, March 06, 2008

Waterloo, couldn't escape if I wanted to

EDUCATION! Waterloo Road, BBC One, 8.00pm

This series of Waterloo Road has gone down rather well on the forums, so we thought it only right to give it a bit of front page space this week. Over the past trillion weeks we have seen all kinds of exciting action - Teenage marriage and divorce! Potential pregnancy! Mums WHO ARE DEAD! The wonder of Asperger's girl and the Bitch Twins! Zaarah Abrahams becoming famous for being in Dancing on Ice before her character started on the show! The dead baby skeleton story (which was really quite touching actually)! Paedophile rapist supply teachers! Neil Morrissey's son and wife turning up and going away again! The old head quitting in a scandal! The new head also being involved in a scandal! Steph and Coke Zero being awesome in the school musical! A random asylum seeker storyline last week with no build-up and presumably no follow-up! If you haven't been watching, see what amazingness you have missed! (Apart from Mika's eco-warrior plot. That was shite).

Tonight's episode centres on two characters: teaching assistant Davina, and everyone's favourite incompetent slutty French teacher, Steph Haydock. We especially love Steph because we had a slutty languages teacher just like her when we were at secondary school.

Davina's plot sees her caught in the classic love triangle between boring but stable regular cast member Tom and randomly-returning-and-also-a-bit-boring-but-fitter former head Jack. (It's hard to believe, but at the start of this third series, way back in Autumn 2007, Jack was still head of the school) Oh, and in a storyline that in no way echoes former deputy Andrew moving overseas to teach and asking Kim to go with him last series, Jack is moving overseas to teach and asks Davina to go with him. We don't know who she will choose, but seeing as they have established there isn't a lot of chemistry between her and Tom, and they have got Jason Merrels back for seemingly just this episode, we have a fair idea.

Steph's storyline is classic Steph. Funding for her upcoming language lab is withdrawn, so she goes into full-on seduction mode. We like.

Apparently next week is the last in the series, though, so expect various plots for cliffhangers to be set up this week and expect next week to go out with a bang. We're assuming the rumours about this being a possible Neighbours subsitute were unfounded, but now it's hit its stride and become Holby meets Footballer's Wives and especially now Grange Hill is no more, we wouldn't mind if they were actually true...

Labels: BBC One, BBC1, TV, Waterloo Road

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Sunday, February 17, 2008

Love thy Enemy

THRILLS! The Last Enemy, BBC One, 9.00pm

The Last Enemy might look like yet another crime thriller, we know, but don't yawn and wander off in search of a teen flick on Sky Movies just yet. We honestly think this crime thriller might be good.

It's set in the near future in a more 'surveillance' age. A man called Stephen comes back to London from a mysterious place the BBC website describes as 'abroad' to attend the funeral of his brother, and tries to find out what happened, finding himself caught up in a 'conspiracy' along the way. And whilst that may sound a little ho-hum, bear with us.

The reason we think this one might be good is the pretty awesome cast. Benedict Cumberbatch (whose career seems to have suddenly ballooned in the past year or so) takes the lead, which we like, because he is an unusual presence, particularly in this kind of genre. Robert Carlyle also stars (although after seeing 28 Weeks Later the other week, we are not sure his presence always means 'quality' any more), along with David Harewood, Max Beesley, and the wonderful Geraldine James.

In short, we are banking our hopes on the cast, rather than the plot. But there's not a lot else on at this time on a Sunday, so you may as well give it a go, eh? After all, Damages has shown that there is life in the crime thriller genre yet, and how wonderful would it be if there were great dramas on two nights in a row? Pretty darn wonderful, we think.

Labels: BBC One, BBC1, The Last Enemy, TV

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Saturday, February 16, 2008

Fake Bake

CHEESY! The One and Only, BBC One, 7.30pm and 9.40pm
CHEEKY! Ant and Dec's Saturday Night Takeaway, ITV1, 8.15pm

We don't know whether The One and Only has had its life cut short early, or whether it was always destined to be such a short run, but tonight, folks, is your grand final. And there are FIVE-count-em superstar impersonators competing for the chance to appear in Las Vegas. Er, in a tribute act show. Wooop!

So who will it be? Fake Robbie? Fake Lionel? Fake Diana? Fake Dusty? Fake Frank? To be honest, we don't care, because we wanted Fake Kylie, who looked and sounded exactly like Sam Fox, to go through and confuse the Vegas crowd. If that's your aim, Fake Robbie is probably now the best bet. If you want the most convincing, we're not sure. Possibly fake Lionel, but his ego is a bit ridiculous for someone on a glorified Stars in Their Eyes. Anyway, Fake Frank will win, so it's all a moot point.

This series has been utterly bizarre, and whilst it has been a pleasure to see Carrie and David Grant judging again, we don't need to bring it back for a second series. Surely there can be other ways of keeping them gainfully employed. We actually always liked Fame Academy you know...

Anyway, from one show that celebrates all that is fake, to another. Except we are sure Ant and Dec's Saturday Night Takeaway will have recovered from its minor slap on the wrist for phone fakery shenanigans last year (after all, everyone else was doing it, why couldn't they?). We expect a little self-knowing joke/apology early on and then business as usual.

We've never really been sure about this show. It's alright, we suppose, perfectly reasonable Saturday night fare. But it doesn't seem to do anything that The Late Late Breakfast Show and Noel's House Party didn't already do. Drawing on that comparison, expect to see Ant and Dec fall out with telly bosses soon, go into hiding with a poorly-themed Byker Grove theme park, where you too can learn about the dangers of paintballing blindness, only to emerge trimphant several years later babbling some nonsense about the cosmos and presenting one of those game shows that appeals to students and the elderly.

Labels: Ant and Dec's Saturday Night Takeaway, BBC One, BBC1, ITV1, The One and Only

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Sunday, February 10, 2008

Why the BAFTAs will be ace this year

GLITZY!The British Academy Film Awards, BBC1, 10pm

» With the writers' strike not yet having reached a conclusion, it is possible (unlikely, but possible) that the Oscars will not go ahead, thus making this THE film industry ceremony to be at in 2008.
» We liked a lot of the films we saw in 2007.
» Jonathan Ross is presenting, and he always does this kind of thing well.
» Being British, you get a better (or at least more British, older, less airbrushed) class of celebrity at this event than at the American ceremonies.
» Someone British will win something. Which will help us feel all self-satisfied and provide the papers with someone to coo over for a few days.
» The acceptance speeches are usually shorter than at the Oscars.
» We like everything we have seen that has been nominated (although we haven't seen everything on the lists) so we don't mind who or what wins.
» It has the Rising Star award that always features people who have had careers for several years, giving the audience something to complain at the screen about and thus feel superior.
» You can play 'spot the celebrity' bingo. First to spot Dame Judi Dench, Dame Helen Mirren, Dame Myleene Klass, Dame John Barrowman and Dame Jane Asher wins.

Labels: BAFTAS, BBC1, films

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Friday, February 08, 2008

Don't they know it's the end of the world?

GONE! Neighbours, BBC1, 2:10 and 5:35pm

Disclaimer: Forgive our shameless over-indulgence today. We are compensating for the absolutely ridiculous lack of attention that the national magazines, papers and websites have given to the biggest change in daytime TV for over 20 years.

On October 27, 1986, the world of daytime television was changed forever, when the BBC started showing a cheap Aussie soap to boost its daytime schedules. Originally scheduled at lunchtime and early in the morning, Neighbours was just something of a gap filler, a bit of fluff. It has already been cancelled once by its first network in Australia, and was being revamped by its new one. In those days, the BBC were quite happy to trailer their new import, though:



In the soap's early days, we were at primary school. We, like all schoolchildren, loved the illicit thrill of watching daytime television in the holidays. It was like a gateway to another world (and that sense of illicit pleasure never wears off, we still feel the same when we are at home during a weekday). It was during the school holidays that we discovered the joy of this strange new Australian show that was on the BBC. And we weren't alone. Everyone we knew at school was talking about it, and fortunately, so was another schoolgirl in another part of the country. Alison Grade, daughter of then-BBC1-controller Michael Grade knew the thrill of watching Neighbours in the holidays, and told her dad about it, suggesting lots of people (ie children and teenagers) would watch were it scheduled at a better time. She thus becomes one of the best people in the history of broadcasting ever.

On January 4, 1998, we were so happy we thought we might explode, as Neighbours moved from early mornings to its new home, the now legendary 5:35 showing. We remember forcing the whole of our family to watch the preview show, called something like Meet the Neighbours which introduced them to the legendary Helen, Jim, Paul, Scott, Charlene, Madge and co. We don't think it is overstating the case (much) to say that our nation changed that day. After all, where would Kylie's career be, and what would the state of the UK panto season be like without it?

By the end of the year, Neighbours was achieving ratings of around 18 million and carried on achiving 12-18 million viewers for several years to come. The wedding of Scott and Charlene achieved 19.6 million viewers and was probably one of the defining moments of our lives.
And despite the soap having been on at tea-time for several years, we never got over the excitement of watching it at lunch-time in the holidays or when we were off sick (a pleasure that has endured to this day). As Ceeb puts it: 'one of the best bits of school holidays was watching the afternoon showing of Neighbours instead of the traditional evening one. It made the soap feel a lot different and more special and happy (especially in the summer holidays if like me you stayed in on a glorious sunny day to see if Susan had gotten her memory back yet) even though it was clearly the exact same episode that would be on if you had tuned in at 5:35, you felt part of a special club that you couldn't be part of any other time of the year. Of course later in life you find out that that clubs other members consist solely of housewives, students, the unemployed and the drunk'. (And pensioners, Ceeb!)

When we were young enough to still watch Children's BBC, the scheduling of Byker Grove and Grange Hill (both RIP) and then our fave Aussie soap was a dream come true (and on the other days of the week, the Home and Away / Neighbours Aussie hour of greatness was also something of wonder), with the soap successfully bridging the gap between kid's and adults' TV: 'One of my favourite memories of Neighbours on the Beeb the relationship the evening edition had with CBBC and how they would occasionally discuss how the storylines were delightfully rediculous or perhaps get Ed the Duck to quack along to some of the theme tune to get you in the Neighbours mood (unless you lived in Northern Ireland of course where you left five minutes earlier for reasons never explained).' - Ceeb.



Its popularity with the kids also led to lots of cuts by the Beeb, including the removal of an incest storyline that beat Brookside and Hollyoaks by several years. Phil Redmond was obviously taking notes. The success of the show continued into the 1990s, with the introduction of popular characters such as the Kennedys and Toadie. Its ratings declined by the late 90s and into the 2000s (as did the ratings of everything else) but it remained a staple of our life, and the lives of a whole new generation, many of whom are at university now, born after it started and weaned on it from birth. It has always been just part of the routine for many British young people: 'My childhood weekday routine always consisted of school, CBBC, Newsround and Neighbours. There was never any question of whether we'd watch it or not, it was just always on' - Schmindie. Occasionally, the Beeb even promoted it:



How many of you shouted 'No Toadie, don't drive' at that clip, and at several subsequent occasions when he took to the wheel, with disastrous consequences? In the early 2000s, when the Beeb got all retro-tastic, Neighbours was also a staple part of I Love 1986 despite most of the clips being from 1988. We *think* there was some stuff on it in I Love 1988 too, mind.



The earlier part of the 2000s saw Neighbours go properly rubbish, with the introduction of a bunch of characters nobody cared about, such as Taj and Tahnee and the Hancocks. Who? Exactly. We even stopped watching it every single day, something that had never happened before (or since). Perhaps because of this, the BBC promptly forgot all about it and never trailed it again.

It soon got all amazing again though, with the introduction of Izzy, The Timminses, Valda, Mishka, Elle, Rosie and Frazer, the return of Paul Robinson, the plane crash and evil RobRob's reign of terror and the comletely bonkers 20th anniversary episodes which made us cry. Thrice:



Then, in spring 2007, came the darkest hour of our telly-watching lives:



As if the programme sensed our collective despair, it had a silly revamp and promptly got all rubbish again, but now it's starting to improve, in time for its move to five. We'll celebrate that occasion on Monday, but today we must mourn at the real end of an era: the end of Neighbours on the Beeb, and the end of Neighbours at 5:35 (5:30 doesn't quite have the same ring to it). We've got our box of tissues ready.

Labels: BBC1, neighbours, soap death

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Thursday, February 07, 2008

Ash Thursday

RETRO! Ashes to Ashes, BBC One, 9.00pm

It may not be 1973, it may not be nearly dinner time, and Gene Hunt may not be 'avin' 'oops, but otherwise things are all looking decidedly familiar for DI Alex Drake, who wakes up in the past - in a brothel, no less - after being shot while escaping from a wrong'un who kidnapped her and her daughter. Yes, this is the eagerly-anticipated sequel to Life on Mars, which we know is going to be better than the original because this one is named after a Bowie song that was later sampled by Samantha Mumba, whereas 'Life On Mars' was not. It's as simple as that.

In truth, we worried a bit about the concept behind this, since when it was first announced it sounded like a bit of a half-arsed attempt to carry on the series without John Simm, and with a bit of gender reversal thrown in. However, now that we know more about it, we're genuinely excited, for reasons such as the fact that Alex Drake is being played by Keeley Hawes, and the fact that the writers have chucked in some Scream-esque genre-savviness by having Alex be fully aware of what happened to Sam Tyler (apparently she was his psychologist, no less), and even trying to use what she can recall from his notes to get home within the first episode, only to discover that things are going to work differently for her. Such self-awareness bodes well for the series, we feel.

And of course there are many other things that we're excited about: the return of the inimitable Gene Hunt, now living in 1981 and having transferred to the Met; Ray Carling having a perm; the car of the piece being an Audi Quattro; Keeley Hawes's fabulous hair; the probable New Romantic soundtrack; the creepy test-card girl being replaced by George and Zippy from Rainbow; and the slight-but-not-impossible prospect of this lowculture correspondent being born in the background if they happen to be in the Truro area at the end of March. With this much potential, how can it fail to be brilliant? (Let's hope there aren't lots of people in the comment box at 10pm telling us precisely how.)

Labels: Ashes to Ashes, BBC1, TV

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Saturday, February 02, 2008

The bleak Miss Winters

SHOCK! Casualty, BBC1, 8.20pm

In a world of vastly depleted natural resources, Casualty doesn't usually match the recycling targets of The Bill (or indeed Holby City) for sheer volume of recognisable people (‘actors’, if you will) who were pretend people (‘characters') in other things but are now pretend people ('characters') in this thing, but there’s always a little room (‘cubicle’) in Holby City Hospital’s emergency department for recognisable people (‘actors’) from other long-running serial dramas (‘seridrams’) to find a new home. Slightly worryingly, it’s a Brookside-heavy cast at the moment, with old hand Suzanne Packer recently joined by fellow former Brookie babes/Liver birds/Scouse skirt etc Sunetra Sarker and Gillian Kearney. So if the lead goes missing from the hospital roof, you know which lockers to check first. (Sorry!)

However, queen of the current Casualty soap graduates is, of course, frosty Brand New Doctor Ruth Winters, played by the phenomenally talented and hugely sympathetic Georgia Taylor, aka Our Toyah Battersby from Coronation Street. During her initial shifts, her main function seemed to be to make endearingly hapless fellow Brand New Doctor Toby look even more useless, with Ruth effortlessly breezing through advanced brain surgery and transfiguration while Toby struggled to thread a needle and operate double doors. But after twenty-four weeks (twenty-four weeks!), Toby’s confidence has grown and his colleagues have taken him to their collective bosom, while Ruth’s offhand manner and relentless ambition have left her on the periphery of the team alongside the warm corpses, lab rats and MRSA.

But naturally Ruth's aloof for a reason. Her drunken father hit her! Her depressed mother killed herself! Charlie Fairhead snapped at her on her first day! Only last week, a Banksyesque graffiti artist painted a big, beautiful mural of the Holby staff, but depicted Ruth without a face! And every so often she slips up badly and goes to great lengths to conceal her mistakes. Which she usually manages to do, but not tonight. So Ruth goes on to do something rather extreme and not entirely expected, and the world quite literally (not literally, obviously) falls apart.

Basically, after twenty-one years (twenty-one years!), including at least ten years in the doldrums with generally draggy plots and irritating characters, Casualty is really, properly good again, and Georgia Taylor is a major force in this resurgence of goodness. And the mediseridram continues to entice and impress next week, with the ridiculously hot Rhys Thomas from Star Stories guest starring as the team look back over events leading up to tonight's 'thing', while Harry Harper leafs through Ruth's diary and, presumably, furrows his brow a lot. Hindsightastic! And very sad.

Labels: BBC1, Casualty, Georgia Taylor is completely amazing, medicine, TV

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Friday, February 01, 2008

Box of Delights

The life of being a previewer for your favourite website is not easy, you know. Sometimes we look at the next week's TV listings, full of despair because there is nothing good to talk about that we haven't already previewed. And yet like buses, the law seems to be that you wait for ages for something exciting to come along, then it all comes along at once. Tonight sees such a ridiculous embarrassment of riches on the box that Steve and Rad needed to collaborate together (in a move that hasn't been seen since, oooh, Christmas) to get it all in. So get a cup of tea and a biccy and plan your evening with us....


RETURNING! EastEnders, BBC1, 8pm

It's good to see that Gemma Bissix's lucrative career of playing scheming bitches called Clare didn't end when she finally bowed out from Hollyoaks last year (and boy, does the show miss her. It's never the same without a good villain, and no, Jake Dean certainly does not count), as she reappears tonight in the TV alter ego we all knew before Clare Devine ever set foot in Chester: Clare Bates (née Tyler), in EastEnders on BBC1 at 8.00pm. Having been last seen as a rosy-cheeked schoolgirl heading off to Scotland with adoptive dad Nigel, she makes her entrance tonight in fine style - being thrown out of a car while wearing a skimpy dress and not looking not wholly unlike archetypal soap bitch-with-a-soft-centre Izzy Hoyland. Clare quickly reconnects with Dot, who's in dire need of a project at the moment, and then sets her sights on Ian, as everyone in the Square eventually does. Seriously, even the gays are going to be after him in a couple of weeks. When will this madness end?



ENDING! Jam and Jerusalem, BBC1, 8:30pm
We know that this series is never going to go down in the comedy annals in the same way that Absolutely Fabulous or The Vicar of Dibley have. However, we still love it, and it's a darn sight better than recent episodes of French and Saunders. This gentle, warm and still pretty darn funny series ends tonight when we see whether Tash will marry Spike. We'd like to see a Jam and Jerusalem wedding, so let's hope she says yes, eh?



SINGING! The Choir: Boys Don't Sing, BBC2, 9pm
We loved The Choir last year and we're very pleased to see it back. For the uninitiated amongst you, the series featured loveable, geeky and slightly hot choirmaster Gareth Malone (who has a touch of the Tennant about him, we think) in his attempts to transform a bunch of inner-city 'yoofs' into a choir to sing at the World Choir Olympics (if only they would integrate that into the ACTUAL Olympics, we would be so into that). This year, he's trying to repeat the same trick, only the 2008 twist is that it's an all-boys choir and they're competing in something at the Albert Hall instead. So there's a few echoes of The History Boys there, too. Only, we hope, without all the slightly creepy sexual undertones. This is your standard life-affirming fare, but none the worse for it.


JAW-DROPPING! Hey Paula!, ITV2, 10pm
Someone over at ITV2 has clearly broken into our top-secret personal diary, the one where we write our topmost secret telly wishes. While they couldn't quite see fit to give us "The Paula Abdul and Janice Dickinson Crazy Medicated Bitch Channel", they've done the next best thing, and got hold of Paula's very own reality show Hey Paula! to play directly after American Idol at 10.00pm. It doesn't take a genius to guess that the Paula in this show is Idol Paula, with the car-crash level upped by a factor of 20, so it will either be the greatest programme ever or the absolute worst. Possibly it will somehow manage to be both at once, thereby snapping the space-time continuum cleanly in two and killing us all where we stand. But let's hope not, eh?



COMPETING! Alan Carr's Celebrity Ding Dong, Channel 4, 10pm
If you're not a Paula Abdul fan, get the hell out of here and never come back. Sorry, that should read: "why not try Alan Carr's Celebrity Ding Dong on Channel 4 at 10.00pm instead?" - our mistake. We've read an interview with Alan Carr, seen a few trailers and looked at the listings, and yet we're still not really sure how on earth this show works, except that it pits celebrities versus civilians (no doubt inspired by Liz Hurley's famous clanger about the vast chasm between the two species) in a series of zany questions. It's got legs, certainly, but we'll wait until after the first episode before our final judgement.


REMINISCING! The Law of the Playground, Channel 4, 10:30pm
There was a time at the end of the last decade and the start of this one when you couldn't turn on your telly without a bunch of talking heads babbling on about the wonders of growing up in the 70s and 80s. Which was fine, because we all know that any conversation between 20 or 30 somethings always turns to the things of our childhood in the end. But there are only so many conversations you can have about all things retro before you get all meta and starthaving retrospectives of the retrospectives and the aforementioned space-time continuum comes and gets us. So what we are trying to say is that we are quite surprised to seeThe Law of the Playground returning for a second series. Perhaps Channel 4 decided it had been long enough without a nostalgia-fest that they could get away with it (or perhaps they were just desperate for some cheap filler whilst they wait for new episodes of Ugly Betty). The usual suspects are here: Justin Lee Collins, Vic Reeves, and, ooh, look who it is! Myleene Klass! Who'da thunk it, eh?


JAMMING! Later...200, BBC2, 11:35pm
The institution that is Later... With Jools Holland returns for a new series, and kicks off with its 200th episode. Although there is often a bit too much boogie-woogie jamming for our liking, the series is always guaranteed to pull off a few corkers from established artsists and is renowned for launching some great talent to boot. Tonight the big draw is a set from Radiohead, but there are other goodies to be had as well, including Cat Power, Dionne Warwick, Mary J Blige and Feist, a booking that will make at least one lowculture user very happy indeed.

So there you have it. Phew. We're going for a nice lie down now.

Labels: Alan Carr's Celebrity Ding Dong, BBC1, BBC2, Channel 4, EastEnders, Hey Paula, ITV2, jam and jerusalem, Later..., Myleene Klass, Paula Abdul, The Choir, The Law of the Playground, TV

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Thursday, January 31, 2008

One is such a lonely number

MONOLOGUE! EastEnders, BBC1, 7:30pm

It seems only, ooh, a couple of weeks ago, that there was a thread on the forum named 'Cancel EastEnders'. Oh, and another one called 'EastEnders: How can it stop being shit?' The show hasn't quite shown the mammoth turn around in quality it might want you to think it has, but it's certainly improved from a few months ago at any rate.

Even the most casual viewers and those who have long since deserted it will want to be tuning in for the next couple of nights, though. In fact, these next two episodes of EastEnders are so (potentially) momentous that we are featuring the soap on our front page two days in a row. We can't remember whether that has ever happened before, and we doubt whether it will happen again.

Tonight's episode has been promoted for two or three months now. It is the soap's first single-hander, and it is only fitting that it should go to Dot, a character we actually care about (and note to the scriptwriters, if you EVER try this trick with Phil Mitchell or Max Branning, we will never watch again).

The storyline centres around Dot recording a message for Jim, recovering from a stroke (as actor John Bardon recuperates from the same). We love Dot and Jim together, even if the show has kind of glossed over the fact that they both have a bit of a dodgy racist past, and we also love June Brown's portrayal of Dot. She manages to inject real heart into what could be a tedious series of storylines (a seemingly endless cycle of being religious, loving wayward son, being done over by wayward son, being mugged/terrorised/robbed, seeing loved one die, losing faith in God, regaining faith, loving wayward son etc).

We imagine this one will be a bit of a tearjerker, but at least there's a range of shows at 8 to cheer you up (schedulers take note: we like Waterloo Road, Masterchef, Jamie at Home AND American Idol. Would it hurt to spread the love out a bit?). Grab a box of tissues, and we'll see you tomorrow for a bumper box of Friday TV goodies, including more EE.

Labels: BBC1, EastEnders, Soap, TV

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Thursday, January 24, 2008

Dressed for success?

FASHION! Fairy Tales: The Empress' New Clothes, BBC1, 9pm

Now the updated Fairytales have passed under our radar a bit, despite us loving The Canterbury Tales and Shakespeare Re-told. However, the buzz on the forum is that they have been quite good fun.

Tonight's sees Denise Van Outen and Liz White (from Life on Mars and, indeed, Teachers) starring in a rehash of The Emperor's New Clothes.

The spin on this is that Denise plays a model, Michaela, who competes with her rival to get some hot new designers to make her catwalk outfits. Liz playes her friend, Shannon. However, apparently these new designer clothes are market stall clobber, so we will be spared half an hour of Denise wandering around nude and lots of terrible jokes about bangers, melons and the like. Phew.

Labels: BBC1, Fairytales, TV

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Monday, January 21, 2008

Law and disorder

HARMAN! City of Vice, Channel 4, 9pm

Labels: BBC1, Channel 4, city of vice, Damages, gay, Glenn Close, nigel harman, TV

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Sunday, January 13, 2008

Sunday: the new black

MULTIPLE CHOICE! Lots of Shows, Lots of Channels, Lots of Times

Oh, the life of a member of team lowculture. You wait days for something interesting to write about, and then suddenly a whole bunch of shows come along at once. Tonight sees a veritable feats of LC-tastic telly, so much so that we're doing a bumper preview, the like of which hasn't been since here since, ooh, Christmas and New Year.

First off the blocks today (and possibly the most highly anticipated on the forums, not least for traditional sweepstake shenanigans) is Dancing on Ice, on ITV1 at 5:50 and 8:50pm. Much has been made of this appearing on a Saturday night, apparently too scared of The One and Only, but maybe ITV just thought if they slung this on the same night as TV Burp and Primeval, there'd be nothing left for the rest of the week.

Anyway, even if you haven't watched this before, exciting reasons to pay attention: 1) The judges have been joined by Ruthie Henshall, which gives this more credibility than it has ever had thus far; 2) The contestants include Suzanne Shaw, Tim Vincent, Samantha Mumba, Steve Backley and SARAH GREENE (who we wish could have done Strictly Come Dancing, but seeing as this teams her back up with Pip Schofield, we don't mind too much); 3) Some of the LC community have set up Bitching on Ice, a commentary blog, which will make it worth it even if the show itself proves to be less than ace.

After this (or rather, during the last ten minutes of filler), you should turn your attention to BBC1 at 7:40pm, where Lark Rise to Candleford continues the channel's current period drama obession. This is made all the more watchable because it features LC faves Liz Smith, Julia Sawhalha (fresh out of Cranford), Mark Heap, Dawn French, and, in a starring role, Olivia Hallinan. Frocks, hairdos and maybe even the odd bonnet - what more could you want on a Sunday night?

Well, you may be torn, because opposite this at 8pm on Channel 4 is the terrestrial premiere of The Phantom of the Opera. Addmittedly it's not all that great, and it shows up the flimsiness of the musical's plot in a way the stage version can almost camoflauge. But the songs! And after recent episodes of The X Factor and When Joseph Met Maria we will always now be replayng this in our heads with a starring cast of Lee Mead, Connie Fisher and Rhydian Roberts, something Andrew Lloyd Webber is no doubt working very hard to make happen as we speak.

And the TV goods keep on coming. On BBC2 at 9pm, we see the latest in Louis Theroux' occasional series of documentaries, Louis Theroux: Behind Bars. We have much enjoyed his recent documantaries on cults, gambling and liposuction, and his time in San Quentin prison promises to be just as entertaining, illuminating, challenging and heatbreaking. If you fancy something a little more cosy, then 9:20pm on ITV1 brings you the new series of Kingdom. We have never watched this, but it stars Stephen Fry, so it's probably a fairly safe bet. And if all you want is a bit of fairly average but occasionally amusing comedy, BBC3 brings you yet another series of Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps at 9pm. We have never seen a full series of this, only ever the occasional episode on BBC3 when there was nothing else on, so our understanding of the show's timeline is completely skew-whiff. We expect to watch the new series in much the same manner.

Still not enough for you? Well, More4 repeats the surprisingly touching Half Ton Mum at 10pm, BBC1 screens episode 2 of Damages at 10:30pm, BBC2 features the opening weekend of Liverpool 08 at 10:45pm and Channel 4 has a profile of Robyn at 12:35am.

Never let it be said that you're not spoiled for choice, people.

Labels: BBC1, BBC2, BBC3, Channel 4, Damages, Dancing on Ice, Half Ton Mum, ITV1, Kingdom, Lark Rise, Liverpool 08, Louis Theroux, Phantom of the Opera, Robyn, Two Pints

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Saturday, January 12, 2008

And yet, you try to make me forget who I really am...

Labels: BBC1, The One and Only, tribute acts

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Tuesday, January 08, 2008

Affairs to remember

LADIES! Mistresses, BBC1, 9.00pm

Invoking the spectre of Sex and the City is one of the quickest ways to start an argument at lowculture towers, since there are those of us who consider it a classic, genre-defining series that has forever left a dildo-shaped hole in the TV schedules, and there are those of us who thought it was an overrated piece of wishy-washy claptrap that set the feminist agenda back by about 20 years. For the sake of privacy, we won't reveal who was in which court, but let's just say the discussion has never yet been settled without all of us screaming at each other and storming out in a sulk.

Of course, you can't talk about a show starring four women of a certain age without mentioning The Show That Should Not Be Named, which does tend to make things rather difficult. To save another argument getting in the way of things, we're going to move past that and instead focus on the important thing here, which is that this new show stars Sarah Parish. And we'll watch anything if it's got Sarah Parish in it. Even if the show was just Sarah Parish watching paint dry while reading aloud from the phone book, we'd still probably make it our pick of the day.

The BBC website describes this as "a sexy, sophisticated and bold take on the lives of four women and their involvement in an array of illicit and complex relationships", which sounds as though it ought to be delightfully sordid, although this is probably going to have an "aspirational" tone to it, so we can all sit watching it while devouring a big bar of chocolate and wondering why watching other people endure moral dilemmas is always far more fun than having moral dilemmas of your own. Those of you wanting to play along at home during the show, award yourself points for spotting which one is the Carrie, the Samantha, the Miranda, etc.

Labels: BBC1, Mistresses, TV

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Monday, January 07, 2008

The kids (shows) are all right

CHILD SPY! MI High, BBC1, 5.00pm

If daytime is the new peaktime, as the TV industry press would have us believe, then we reckon children's TV is the new new peaktime. Or the new daytime, or however it's supposed to work. After the amazingness that was The Sarah Jane Adventures, which managed to be warmer and more compelling and more likeable than quite a lot of primetime television, we no longer feel any shame in admitting when a kids' show is great, so we're sound the fanfare for the return of MI High to CBBC.

For those of you who didn't catch the first series (which would be those who are still at work at 5pm, and those who don't watch the CBBC channel at weekends, which we assume is quite a lot of people), it's basically Spooks in a school, albeit with the emphasis slightly less on global politics and more on leather-clad heroics, with a bunch of improbably good-looking teenagers routinely saving the world, as improbably good-looking teenagers often do on television. We caught a few episodes of the previous series, and were pleasantly surprised at the complexity of the plots and the high production values. Given our general affection for teen-oriented American television, take our work for it when we say it stands up to the glossy US shows admirably.

Today's opening episode involves a plot to kidnap the President of the United States of America, which we assume will be suitably foiled by our hardworking heroes, but not before 25 minutes of twists and turns. We recommend setting the video, or the PVR, or even claiming that you have an urgent dental appointment in order to sneak out of work early. We're normally firm advocates of telling the truth, but making it clear that you have to run home to watch a children's programme may invite some suspicious and unwanted questions. If you think you can handle that, mind, more power to you.

Labels: BBC1, MI High, TV

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Sunday, January 06, 2008

Close to me

Labels: BBC1, Damages, Glenn Close, Ted Danson

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Friday, January 04, 2008

And did those feet in ancient times

AGAIN! Jam and Jerusalem, BBC1, 8:30pm
BORN AGAIN! Extreme Pilgrim, BBC2, 9pm

The Christmas and New Year season tends to mess with our ideas of time. We completely lose track of what day of the week it is (it's Friday) and the TV schedulers only add to our confusion by scheduling programmes on any old day. Case in point, the new series of Jam and Jerusalem. Now it may only seem like, ooh, three days ago, that we were plugging the first episode. And it was. But here is the second one already. However, this Friday 8:30 timeslot is apparently its regular home. We thought you should know. Never let it be said we don't have any public service concerns.

With the US writer's strike going on, and much of the new season of programmes yet to kick in, there really isn't a lot to commend to you on the box tonight. So our recommendation has to be Extreme Pilgrim. In this three part series, TV vicar Pete Owen Jones, who resembles the lovechild of Tom-Baker-era-Doctor-Who and Jonathan Creek, investigates various spiritual practices from around the world. It's probably very similar to The Beginner's Guide To... series that Channel 4 do, only more educational and serious no doubt.

Anyway, tonight he goes and visits some Buddhist Shaolin monks. And if film has taught us anything at all, it's that Shaolin monks are kick-ass martial artists. So whilst we expect Owen-Jones to have a go at adopting a Buddhist diet, chanting, meditating and all that jazz, we are also hoping he learns some fighting skills. In the name of public service and education, of course.

Labels: BBC1, BBC2, Extreme Pilgrim, jam and jerusalem

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Saturday, December 29, 2007

House and country

OUTLAW! Robin Hood, BBC1, 6.00pm

While having lunch with a friend of ours yesterday, we were debating the condition of modern light entertainment, as is often the case with us. The conversation turned to the subject of Robin Hood, with our friend opining that while she couldn't bear to watch a single second of the first series, she'd rather enjoyed series two. The reason? The producers had clearly realised when they were onto a good thing, and had taken every possible opportunity to get Richard Armitage to take his shirt off. Because essentially, while we like to think we're a very sophisticated audience, it's surprising how quickly we can be won over with some utterly gratuitous but well-deployed shirtlessness. (The same can be said of season two of Heroes; even when the plot was hopelessly off-course, an episode could be instantly saved by the inclusion of shirtless Peter Petrelli.)

The second series has been doing a fair job of holding up the ratings in a thankless slot against The X Factor (perhaps if Robin spent more time talking about his dead parents, he might have managed a more sizeable audience), and some quite nifty guest stars including Charlie Brooks and Josie Lawrence. Tonight's series-closing double bill includes a guest appearance from Konnie Huq, our second-favourite Blue Peter presenter (after Gethin, natch), and hopefully twice the amount of shirtless Guy of Gisborne. If it ain't broke, after all...

MEDICAL! House weekend, Hallmark, from 10.00am

Although we were surprisingly unscathed by our downgrading from cable TV to Freeview a year ago, one thing we do miss from time to time is when the niche channels decided to boost their ratings by running a marathon of their top shows for an entire weekend, so you could just sit there and gorge yourself on quality (or otherwise) television without even needing to worry if the remote control was within arm's reach. We still miss the Living Charmed weekends, and we're more than a little disappointed that we won't be able to catch Hallmark showing the entirety of season two of House back-to-back. But we're still charitable enough to mention it to you guys, to make sure you know it's happening.

So, if your eyes and your bottom are up to it, look forward to LL Cool J, romantic entanglements, sex being a very dangerous thing, and that kickass finale episode with its alarmingly loose grip on reality, amongst other things. You'll have to wait until tomorrow for that one, though, so be sure to get some exercise in the meantime. We only want what's best for you.

Labels: BBC1, Hallmark, House, Robin Hood, TV

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Saturday, December 22, 2007

Dancing - with tears in their eyes?

FINALE! Strictly Come Dancing, BBC1, 5.50pm and 9.25pm

Gah, we've only just got over the excitement disappointment of this year's X Factor final, and now it's time for the final showdown in the Saturday night show that we actually gave a toss about this year: Strictly Come Dancing. It's been a thrilling series with more than its fair share of controversial moments, but Alesha Dixon and Matt Di Angelo have made it to the final and only one of them can win. Who will it be? We don't know, obviously, but let's have a quick(ish) look back over the highs and lows of the series:

First to get the boot was Brian "Richard Hillman" Capron, possibly as a result of Gail getting on the phone and furiously voting for all the other contestants. He was partnered with Karen Hardy, and we were a bit relieved to see her go out first - it's not that we're vindictive, because we like Karen a lot, but she's far less scary as a pundit on It Takes Two than she is as a contestant. There was lowculture-based outrage in week two when the iconic Stephanie Beacham was dismissed by the judges after the dance-off in favour of Letitia Dean, despite having clearly performed better. Could this, gasped the tinhat-wearing internet conspiracy theorists, have anything to do with the fact that Letitia had just signed on for the live tour, whereas Stephanie had not? We'll never know, but in all fairness Stephanie seemed grateful for the chance to put her feet up so soon, and Letitia went on to get a lot better, so really it was a win-win.

Week three was the calm before the storm, when Willie Thorne was ejected in favour of John Barnes (who, you may not have noticed, is a SPORTSMAN and dances LIKE A BLOKE - just putting that out there), but week four was when the shit hit the fan, as Gabby Logan and Penny Lancaster-Stewart were in the bottom two. Cries of "wtf?" were heard around the country, since nobody had expected either of them to go out so early. The judges elected to save Penny, and Gabby did an impressive gracious loser face, though it became apparent later that even several weeks after the fact, she still hasn't quite managed to see the funny side of it. This was also a massive smack in the face to those of us who assumed that Gabby and James would be the obvious victors in the contrived battle of the houses of Logan and Jordan.

Next to be sent home was Dominic Littlewood, who also proved himself to be a poor sportsman, especially when faced against John Barnes in the dance-off, considering that John Barnes is an actual SPORTSMAN, so we lost him and with him the lovely Lilia. The following week, Penny's luck ran out as she was up against the unexpectedly unpopular (that week, at least) Matt in the bottom two. He got saved by the judges, and Penny turned out to be one of those few but fortunate people who can still look incredibly pretty while crying.

John and Nicole were in the dance-off again the next week, and were joined by Kate Garraway and Anton du Beke, who had been living on borrowed time for quite a while. We would like, however, to take this opportunity to congratulate Kate for being a fantastic sport about the whole thing, and to wonder why people always single her out as the worst in the competition when Kenny Logan was no better. Anyway, John had also been dancing on the edge for some time and met his match the following week when up against Kelly Brook in the dance-off (Kelly having delivered an uninspiring samba due to having barely rehearsed that week, which we later learned was due to her dad being very ill).

Kelly then chose to withdraw from the competition following the death of her dad, leaving the top five as Alesha, Matt, Letitia, Kenny and Gethin Jones. One of those names does not belong, you may have spotted it: yep, Kenny was eliminated that week despite his lifting prowess, and not a moment too soon. Which not only meant that for the first time in two years, the show would definitely not be won by a SPORTSMAN, but that we realised we actually liked everyone in the top four, which seldom happens. Also this week, Gethin finally got over his well-documented "intimacy issues" and learned to shake what his mama gave him. Girls and gay boys countrywide were delighted with the results.

Still reading? Well done, we're nearly there. The quarter-final brought surprises aplenty as Matt forgot his steps twice and was bottom of the leaderboard with the judges, but was hastily saved by the voting public, leaving Alesha and Letitia to fight it out for the last spot in the semi-final. Letitia lost out, but bowed out of the competition with complete grace, so good on her. The semi-final brought even more surprises as Alesha delivered a beautiful Quickstep and Matt's Waltz got the competition's first perfect score, which had the unfortunate side effect of kicking Gethin out at the very last stage, in a decision that was not exactly approved of by all.

So here we are: Alesha and Matthew versus Matt and Flavia, and it could still go either way. They've both done amazing performances: Alesha's Cha Cha Cha and Waltz, Matt's Waltz and Salsa. As we said above, we liked everyone in the top four this year (and a few who weren't), so we're not going to be too disappointed whoever wins. We do have our favourite, but we're not saying who it is because we've learned from experience that doing so tends to jinx that person, so we'll just say: hurrah, both of you!

Don't forget that the results show is on the same night this week only, and Carrie will be doing a live blog of the evening's events over on Strictly Come Bitching. And, since this is probably the last time we'll get to use this for some while, we'll end by saying:

Labels: BBC1, Strictly Come Dancing, TV

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Tuesday, December 18, 2007

Let's Twist again

NOT HOSPITAL-BASED! Oliver Twist, BBC1, 8.00pm

"Please, sir. I want some more." A famous phrase indeed, but had we said it at the end of last week's Holby City, we'd have been told in no uncertain terms, "MORE? Okay, fine, but you'll have to make a note in your diaries because next week Holby's on Wednesday at 8.30pm and we're putting some Dickens on in its usual slot instead." And obviously we have nothing against literary adaptations, quite the opposite in fact, but Tuesday nights without a visit to the wards and our favourite busybodying staff just don't feel the same. We forgave them when they moved it briefly so they could try out Holby Blue in this slot, because it was two branches from the same tree, but something that doesn't involve the emergency services in any way makes us suspicious.

Anyway, this is approximately the 349th time Oliver Twist has been adapted for TV, and it's being serialised in a Bleak House sort of way (only in not quite so many parts) by Sarah Phelps, who's one of our favourite EastEnders writers. We assume you don't need to be reminded of the story, since we know you're all highly intelligent and well-read people, and know the story backwards without wondering when Nancy's going to burst out with 'As Long As He Needs Me'. Right? (And if the answer's no, then it's time to turn off the internet and go and read a book for a little while. Please.)

Obviously, as with the majority of fancy-pants adaptations these days, the cast list is very impressive: Timothy Spall, Sophie Okonedo, Sarah Lancashire, Michelle Gomez and so on, and there's an hour long opener tonight to get you into the swing of things. For those of you panicking and fearing Holby withdrawal symptoms, fret not: the outcome of the crossbow saga will be revealed tomorrow. Just keep calm for the next 24 hours, eh?

Labels: BBC1, Oliver Twist, TV

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Monday, December 10, 2007

Waking up the Neighbours

CONFUSING! Neighbours, BBC1, 2:10 and 5:35 pm

Now it's quite some time since we put Neighbours on the front page, and the reason it's here today is not by virtue of today's storylines (something about Rebecca, which is enough to make us reach for the gin, Oliver remembering his fit brother, thus forcing the audience to remember how much we preferred the fit brother, and something happening at the Erinsborough News, where Riley apparently works now although we recall no mention of this, ever). No, today's entry is our equivalent of Sugababes 'About You Now'. Except it's not a 'we let you down, take us back' kind of thing, more a 'you let us down, please go back to how you were' one.

Now, we have been friends with the good world of Erinsborough since the soap was only shown early in the morning and at lunchtime, and we could mainly only watch it in the school holidays (and on the subject of scheduling, BBC, why mess with our heads with this showing Neighbours and Doctors in the wrong order business? It's just plain sick and wrong).

We remember the teatime launch as being the greatest thing EVER. Well, up until Scott and Charlene's wedding. And the 20th anniversay stuff. So we have a very long history with this show (about 21 years, but let's not emphasise that fact, it makes us feel old) and we're not about to give up on the show. But we have noticed that it is in its worst period since the Hancocks were in it (a time when we didn't even bother watching it every day, it was so bad). In fact, it's so bad that we even get confused by it at times. And Neighbours should never, ever be confusing. We do know it can get back on track, though, because after that black spot in its history it went on to produce the fabulousness of Izzy, Paul's return, the evil twins and so on. But we want to encourage it back on that track as soon as possible.

So here are our handy lowculture suggestions for getting the magic back:

» Axe Ned. We need say no more.

» Bring back some of the past characters, either for guest stints, or long-term. Although don't go mad on this one. Top of our list would be Lucy Robinson, Rosemary Daniels for her obligatory every other year visit and the Alessi twins (plus Paul's son Andrew) for more evil twin based hilarity. And, of course, RobRob, who must return soon to cause havoc. Particularly if that havoc involves clearing out the cast of some deadwood as it did last time round. Good times.

» Axe the Barnes/Napiers. They are just terrible and we do not care. In fact, Rebecca inspires a bizarre loathing in us usually reserved for X-Factor contestants. And judges.

» The Parker family (Ned aside) could have potential if they are actually rewritten a bit. Someone on the message boards commented that Dad Parker is trying to fill the nice guy role of Philip Martin, but doesn't quite achieve it. That's because Philip Martin had suffered being married to Julie, then seeing her die, and being dad to all those horrible kids. Then he married Ruth, who had a bit of sass, and thus was a good foil for him. So, we'd like to see Miranda (mum) Parker, either developing her Ruth/Susan/Janelle sass - which we feel is unlikely, seeing as in Neighbours, that sass is usually formed by being dicked over by a man and not standing for it - or, our preferred option, becoming the new Julie/Hilary/Mrs Mangel. The street needs a new busybody, and she could easily be it. Riley is decent enough eye candy, but he needs to take his shirt off a bit more, get screwed over by Elle Robinson and go all dewey-eyed with tears. And get a plotline. 'Didge' either needs to get over herself, fast, or die in a freak accident.

» Get the old logo and theme tune back. And some proper credits, involving a hilarious game of cricket in which Zeke or Toadie or Karl smashes a ball through someone's window.

» Lou and Paul have about eight million kids each, so bring back one of these, and their children, to form a new family. Or bring back some Ramsays. We don't mind which, as long as they are written with enough warmth and humour that we CARE about them.

» Axe Carmella. Or at least make her a nun again, which was the only time she was interesting.

» All good Neighbours casts have a teenage gang. The current bunch of teenagers barely even speak to one another. Get them bonding, stat.

» Give Steph and Toadie a bunch of kids, stat. I mean, what else is their point? Someone needs to raise the next generation of Erinsborough brats, and it may as well be them.

» Neighbours always has the following plotlines on the go at once: a kerrazy bonkers OTT plotline involving death or bombs or stalkers or gangs or dunk hunters; a comedy plotline of misunderstandings, usually involving garden gnomes. Two community/family plots, usually one involving teenagers, and one involving older characters. Do not, ever, deviate from this formula.

» Finally, in a move of awesome self-referentialness (which the show normally excels at), send at least one of the characters to Cuba.

Labels: BBC1, neighbours

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Sunday, December 09, 2007

Vote for them! Their families are NOT DEAD (probably)!

Labels: BBC1, Lewis Hamilton, Ricky Hatton, Sports Personality of the Year, Sue Barker

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Saturday, December 08, 2007

Lincoln green Janine

GUEST! Robin Hood, BBC1, 7.00pm

We're not quite sure how this second series of Robin Hood went from being an object of scorn and derision to being the week's most eagerly-anticipated televisual highlight for at least one lowculture correspondent. Possibly it was the scene in the first episode when a shirtless Allan appeared to be oiled into submission by Guy of Gisbourne that did it. Perhaps it was the realisation that every anachronism (and there's quite a few, to be fair) will be explained away by Djaq saying "It's Saracen medicine / science / technology / genetic engineering / broadband / commercial space travel" etc. Maybe it's just all the lovely fires.

Or maybe it was when the celebrity guest roles started coming thicker and faster than ever before. The vastly improved (really!) second series has seen a number of expectedly and unexpectedly brilliant appearances from 21st century actors playing medieval nobility, clergy and peasant filth, including Dexter Fletcher, Josie Lawrence, Tony Slattery, Ralf Little, David Bamber, the particularly amazing Denis Lawson and, last week, Mathew Horne showcasing his stand-up skills as a glitter-encrusted, pigeon-fancying, completely unflappable Fool. This week, however, it gets really exciting, with an appearance from none other than Charlie Brooks, aka EastEnders' very own Quite Evil Janine Butcher/the Butcher/Evans, as a 'forest person' (tramp?) whose path the Sheriff of Nottingham crosses when he accidentally wanders into Sherwood Forest during a lengthy sleepwalk.

Of course, the Sheriff's absence causes a few problems back in Nottingham, what with Prince John having agreed to burn the city to the ground if any harm befalls him, and ultimately Robin and Marian have to - gasp! - work alongside Guy to track the Sheriff down before Nottingham is torched at sunset. Will they find the Sheriff in time? Will Nottingham survive? Can Robin and Guy really work together? Those are the sort of questions we're all supposed to be asking ourselves, obviously, but what we're really wondering is whether Charlie Brooks will get more lines in this than she did in Bleak House. (Centre stage on the Radio Times three-page fold-out cover, and then she only got about five words throughout the whole eight-hour series!) And if Charlie's not a draw for you, next week Lynda 'ITV' Bellingham guest stars as Queen Eleanor. Will she play it 'mumsy' or 'gangster'? Tune in to find out! Go on, it finishes in a few weeks. Oh, you really are all going to have to start watching this properly at some point, you know.

Labels: BBC1, Charlie Brooks, exciting guest appearances, Robin Hood, TV

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Monday, November 26, 2007

Boy A, Queen Bee

Labels: BBC1, BoyA, Channel 4, Monarchy

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Saturday, November 24, 2007

Saturday Night's Alright for Fighting

Labels: BBC1, ITV1, Strictly Come Dancing, The X Factor

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Thursday, November 22, 2007

Cowboy builders

LABOURERS! The Street, BBC1, 9.00pm

Homoltuous events in Jimmy McGovern's here's a typical setting peopled by typical people but with all the different people getting their turn in the dramatic spotlight at some point because people are interesting and these are typical people with typical people's stories because that's what good drama's all about, people, and no we didn't just nick this premise from Clocking Off series this week, as the particularly fine Vincent Regan and the hadn't really noticed Will Mellor take centre stage as loving husband/father/demolition labourer (yes, we know it's not quite the same thing as being a builder but we weren't going to waste a headline like that) Charlie and his homosexualist workmate Tom. On a working trip to Blackpool, Charlie finds himself growing closer to Tom while they share a room together. 'Growing closer'. Oh, you know what we mean. Come on.

Gays! Yes, it's time for The Gay Episode Of The Street, and whatever you think of the prospect of Will Mellor as a gay (though it can't be any more nightmarish than a double dose of shifty David Thewlis playing two different characters as he did a couple of weeks back), it certainly makes for better sport than watching annoying sixth form boys circling each other timidly for months and months and endless fucking tedious months over on Channel 4 (for example). Naturally, gayness leads to problem after problem, and there's the requisite 'But I'm not gay' / 'As a married family man life would be so much easier for me if I wasn't secretly gay' / 'Gosh look at his arse' business from Charlie as he succumbs to Tom's advances and life becomes a mass of lies and deceit and paranoia as he tries to avoid being rumbled by his beloved but sadly penisless wife.

Which is all great, because as much as happy gays make heartwarming TV and send our share prices skyrocketing, there's nothing more engaging than watching a genuinely appealing character wrestle with the general turmoil and heartache that comes with mostly living in the closet while savouring the brief, wonderful moments when he gets to grapple with another man's big arms, heavy shoulders and strong legs (we've seen the promotional photos). And they're Proper Workmen, so it's not like they'll just be sitting around typing and playing the piano and smelling of lavender for the rest of the time, either. Testosterotastic!

Labels: BBC1, gay, manual workers, The Street, TV

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Sunday, November 18, 2007

It's the Cranford ladies, they're coming back strong

GOSSIP! Cranford, BBC1, 9.00pm

It's not all that often that we decide we want to write about a show purely on the basis of the trailer. But then, it's not every trailer which has an operatic version of Mis-Teeq's 'Scandalous' as its accompaniment. Which is a bit of a shame, really. We're wondering now if part of Alesha's contract when she signed up for Strictly Come Dancing stipulated that the BBC should use her songs for as many purposes as possible. They could've used 'Knockdown' for that episode of EastEnders that was on on Tuesday, or 'Can't Get It Back' for Neighbours or maybe 'One Night Stand' for The Tudors? Actually, this could be a really fun game.

Anyway, brilliance of trailers aside, this is BBC1's latest piece of cosy costumed fare for Sunday nights, based on the novel by Elizabeth Gaskell, charting the lives and loves of the people of Cranford in the 1840s - uncertain times in the midst of many changes. The cast is ridiculously star-laden: Judi Dench, Eileen Atkins, Michael Gambon, Francesca Annis, Philip Glenister, Lesley Manville, Imelda Staunton, Julia Sawalha, Greg Wise, Julia McKenzie...need we go on? (Actually, that's the end of our list, so we needn't.)

The folks over on the forum are all intensely excited about this, as are we. Should be just the thing to keep us going through those cold Sunday nights in the run-up to Christmas.

Labels: BBC1, Cranford, TV

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Friday, November 16, 2007

Don't mind doing it for the kids

CHARITY! Children in Need, BBC1, from 7.00pm
COMEDY! Angelo's, Five, 11.00pm

Ah, time for a charity telethon again, is it? We rather like these, because they tend to make it very easy for a person to plan out an evening's viewing. Not only do you get a wide selection of pop music, comedy sketches and drama in the telethon itself (interspersed by frequent pleas for you to hand over some cash, but we suppose that's the price you pay - literally), but the other channels don't tend to schedule anything too competitive. It would be uncharitable, since they would be luring viewers away from worthy causes, and it would be also be fairly misguided, since big long telethons tend to be ratings slam-dunks for the most part. Note the absence of Ugly Betty in Channel 4's schedule tonight, for example; although the omission of that show could be rather serendipitous, since the WGA strike is looking like cutting most of this year's seasons down to around 12 episodes or fewer anyway, so Channel 4 will probably want to extend the run as far as it can, so the gap in the schedule might help them out. And for those of you who can't go a week without your fix, here's a quite literally brilliant clip from next week's episode:



Anyway, that's for next week, so what can we expect for tonight? Well, there's the now traditional teeny tiny episode of Doctor Who, some of the cast of Hollyoaks doing a Marc Bolan tribute (egad), a junior version of Dragons' Den, the BBC newsreaders doing Chicago, plus West End Leading Man Lee Mead and those people who won that Grease show as well. And when the show goes off air for the news at 10pm, there's a special CiN-themed QI on BBC2, with Pudsey on the panel. Awesome? We suspect so. Oh, and the Spice Girls will be performing. Tsk, fancy forgetting about them! (Also, what's the deal with Pudsey's redesign this year, and why does he now look like Laughing Bear from Boo!, eh?

Of course, having said that nobody in their right mind would try to competitively schedule against this, we find ourselves wondering why Five chose tonight to premiere Angelo's, the new sitcom written by and starring Sharon Horgan, to whom you may remember us writing a sort of epic love poem last week. 11pm on a Friday night (not to mention on Five) doesn't seem an especially thrive-y sort of slot so our hopes for this do not generally involve a multi-year run, but we're planning to tune in to see if it's as brilliant as Pulling was.

Labels: Angelo's, BBC1, Children in Need, Five, TV

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Friday, November 02, 2007

Twenty-five to 4

QUARTER CENTURY! The Big Fat Anniversary Quiz, Channel 4, 10.00pm
ADVENTUREY! Robin Hood, BBC1, Saturday, 7.15pm

Another week, another UK terrestrial channel with a divisible-by-five birthday (well, that's two so far this year). Channel 4 is 25 years old, and what better way to mark the occasion than a TWO HOUR (!!!) celebrity comedy panel show quiz thing. Surprisingly, Channel 4 have chosen to forsake the obvious towering icons of their history in favour of a bunch of little-known comedians and mathematicians (it's mainly comedians, to be honest). So, instead of the Max and Patricia Farnham / Sally Smedley / Kevin McCloud / Brian Steadman / Hubba Hubba panel you might have been hoping for, team members include David Mitchell, Richard Ayoade, Alan Carr, Jack Dee, Frank Skinner and VorderMan, with Jimmy Carr overseeing and Wossy and Gervaisy among the special guests popping in to celebrate how much richer they became when they went to the BBC.

Of course, anyone knows that commemorating a channel's birthday is really just an excuse to dig out lots of old clips of idents, logos and trailers from days or yore and, as the channel with the best and most consistent branding of the lot, Channel 4 doesn't disappoint. The tidy Channel 4 at 25 page on their website provides a selection of beautiful idents from over the years, as well as information on their comedy, drama and documentary highlights (free for download on 4oD over the next few weeks), a controversy-charting Channel 4 timeline, exciting 1982 FACTS! and lots of photos of their office building for some reason. Never let it be said that Channel 4 doesn't know how to throw a retrospective, internet-based party.

On the subject of exuberant things that aren't very old, tomorrow Robin Hood cheerfully continues his mission to make Saturday evenings ridiculous. We really wouldn't blame you for giving this second series a wide berth, yet with every anachromism it grows more and more entertaining: so far we've seen the Sheriff of Nottingham's dominatrix sister meet a sticky end in her own snake pit, Ocean's Eleven Robin's gang attempting an assault on the Sheriff's strongroom during a visit from a travelling supercasino, Guy of Gisborne's new armour turning him into Robocop and, last week, Ralf Little guest starring as a twitchy scientist with a plan to use a bioweapon to eradicate all the 'dirt' in medieval England (that's the people of Nottingham to you and me).

Best of all, however, has been the ongoing betrayal of Robin's gang by young, chirpy, fit as fuck Allan A Dale, who reluctantly entered into an 'agreement' with mostly evil, smoulderingly handsome Guy four weeks ago and has been haemorrhaging information about Robin's activities ever since, during secret Spooks-style liasons in doorways and behind taverns. The wonderful shame etched across Allan's face when he meets with Guy and can't quite look him in the eye is the main reason we're watching, really (well, that and Marian's FABULOUS couture wardrobe). Except this week Robin cottons-on to the fact that somebody in his camp is a traitor, potentially killing the best plot in the series stone dead before it's even halfway done. Stupid cocking Robin. Let's hope he keeps it to himself.

Labels: anniversary, BBC1, Channel 4, idents, Robin Hood, The Big Fat Anniversary Quiz, TV

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Thursday, November 01, 2007

Better off wed?

NUPTIALS! EastEnders, BBC1, 7.30pm

This is clearly a bad, bad week for wedding karma. We hope none of our readers are planning to get hitched on Saturday, or at least if they are, that they don't consider the events of soap operas to be in any way portents of how things are likely to go. Then again, when people get married in soap operas, they usually do so for a stupid reason, because that has more dramatic potential than something boring like being madly in love with someone and wanting to spend the rest of your life with them. God, how dramatically inert would that be?

So yesterday we dealt with Sarah Platt's second attempt to wed Jason Grimshaw, which was at least slightly marred by the attempted suicide of her brother David, who was presumably upset that she wouldn't let him be the ring-bearer. Tonight, it's the ostensibly happiest day of Bradley Branning and Stacey Slater's lives, as they prepare to pledge their troth for eternity. Which would be fine, had his father not been giving her the hot beef injection for longer than we care to remember, or indeed remember to care.

Making things harder still is the fact that notable wildcard Sean Slater has rumbled Stacey and Max's affair, because dear God SOMEBODY had to eventually. So the big question is whether he'll be able to make it through the ceremony, particularly that tricksy part about people here present who know of any impediment, et cetera. And Stacey herself is probably getting a bit wobbly, as the reality of getting wed to someone who doesn't know that you can compare his bedroom prowess to that of his father finally starts to hit her, and she wonders if she's doing the right thing. Picks her moments, does that one.

And so the scene is set for another will-they-or-won't-they soap moment, and let's hope this sets the wheels in motion for the whole ghastly affair to become public knowledge so we can all get on with the rest of our lives, eh?

Labels: BBC1, EastEnders, soap weddings, TV

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Friday, October 26, 2007

(Armstrong and) Miller time

BACK! The Armstrong and Miller Show, BBC1, 9.30pm

It will probably come as no shock to most of you that we're not especially religious, but every now and then something comes along which makes us question our lack of belief in a higher power. After all, there's a saying that goes "what God has placed together, let no man put asunder", and frankly we can't think of any other plausible explanation behind the Armstrong and Miller phenomenon. They were a successful comedy double act, they went off to do various successful solo projects, and yet after many years apart here they are together again. Frankly if that doesn't scream of the existence of a celestial hand interfering in mortal business, we don't know what does.

Anyway, this would be a return to the sketch show format that they were doing quite well back in the day, with some new ideas and characters and things. We're quite looking forward to the likes of Gullible Rog, who remains blissfully ignorant to his wife's affair with his best friend despite continuously catching them in conspicuous situations and being fed a lame and highly implausible excuse, and the two Spitfire pilots who talk like they've just wandered off the set of Mean Girls.

The thing about sketch shows is that they're pretty hard to judge until you're about three or four episodes in, once you can see how thinly (or not) the material is being stretched and how well the characters stand up to repeated exposure. That said, we've got high hopes for this one and our fingers are entirely crossed (which makes it quite hard to type). If it's even half as good as when Alexander Armstrong presented Have I Got News For You last week, we'll be more than happy.

Labels: BBC1, The Armstrong and Miller Show, TV

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Tuesday, October 16, 2007

The spies who confused me

SPIES! Spooks, BBC1, 9.00pm

It's not often that we stick with a show when we don't know what's going on. We gave up on Lost before the episode numbers hit double digits because we knew they weren't going to explain any of the mysteries in a hurry and frankly we couldn't be bothered to sit around watching a bunch of bores brooding about them. Spooks on the other hand, almost makes a virtue of the fact that we never have a clue what's going on. We're not sure it ever expects us to keep up; instead, the characters all spout incomprehensible expository dialogue at each other with such conviction that we just take their word for it and enjoy the building tension and all the pretty faces.

That was the pattern for us last series, more or less. We watched religiously, and no matter how hard we concentrated, by the 50 minute mark we were always utterly lost. There was always something about inter-governmental politics and backstabbing and rogue agents and whathaveyou, but we were inevitably rather vague on the specifics of what was going on. It didn't really matter too much, because we were enjoying ourselves. And we always gave the show credit for having balls, doing things like killing off Colin last series, or our previous favourite character Ruth having to leave because she'd been framed and couldn't prove her own innocence. Though we imagine none of the actors on this show have ever become too complacent over their job security since Lisa Faulkner got deep-fried in the first series.

Anyway, Spooks is back and we're sure it'll be as blisteringly hard to follow as ever. The opening episode focuses on the potential release of a deadly biological weapon and the operatives' attempts to make sure that doesn't happen. It'll go awry, of course, but that's half the fun, isn't it?

Labels: BBC1, Spooks, TV

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Monday, September 24, 2007

Adventures in babysitting

SONIC LIPSTICK! The Sarah Jane Adventures, BBC1, 5.00pm

Yep, we know what time it's on. Yep, we agree that it's hideously unfair to all the grown-ups (or people pertaining to be thus) who totally want to watch this but won't admit it to anyone. Looks like we're all just going to have to set our videos/PVRs/temporal destabilisers, because we strongly need to see The Sarah Jane Adventures. Admitting the truth can be liberating, you know.

The pilot-type thing that aired at Christmas was one of the best, if not the best, things to hit our screens for the entire festive period. Indeed, we enjoyed it more than we enjoyed the entirety of Torchwood, which says a little bit more about our mental age than we'd care to admit. But if the series is anything like the special, we're in for a treat: the balance of tense drama vs camp buffoonery is perfectly judged, the script is peppered with one-liners way above your average children's show (our favourite exchange from the Christmas special by far was "Thanks for the assassination attempt." "You're welcome. The next one will involve harpoons."), the child actors are surprisingly not-annoying and Maria's dad (Maria being one of Sarah Jane's new sidekicks) is very fit. That's almost every box on the lowculture checklist ticked. Nice work.

In the opening episode, everybody's favourite farting aliens, the Slitheen, are back and launching a fiendish plan to take over the world that appears to be school-based. Looks like it's down to Sarah-Jane to save the day. Actually, sod setting the video; we might just call in sick to make absolutely sure we don't miss it. But ssshhhh, don't tell anyone.

Labels: BBC1, The Sarah Jane Adventures, TV

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Friday, September 07, 2007

French (and Saunders) history

CLIPS! A Bucket o' French and Saunders, BBC1, 9.00pm

First of all, our apologies for the slightly sporadic updates (and non-updates, in some cases) of the past few days - we had some unanticipated technical problems. Hopefully now they are fixed and you can read this. If not, you're still reading the piece we wrote about Hollyoaks on Tuesday, so it's a good job that was fucking great, isn't it? Anyway, to business: this is a sort of F&S take on the Two Ronnies Sketchbook way of doing things, ie. throw some old clips together with some new links and a smattering of new material and call it a new series.

Now, on the one hand we could sit here and feel cheated, but on the other hand we could also sit here and remember how the most recent series really wasn't that great, in which case we might be better off revisiting other stuff that we like and then if the new stuff isn't really that good we know there'll be something better along in a minute. Not that we're suggesting they've lost their touch or anything; really, we're just pointing out the silver lining, such as it is.

We don't quite know what to expect from the new stuff, but according to the Radio Times there's going to be a Location Location Location spoof at some point which involves Dawn French as Kirstie Allsopp and also Kirstie Allsopp as herself, which does sound pretty exciting. There's also a Jennifer as bald Britney and Dawn as Amy Winehouse to look forward to as well. They might be in tonight's show; they might not. Drat these TV types and their ways of making us watch every episode due to deliberately vague and evasive billings! Also looking promising: the links are done in a spoof of bad TV presenting by the never-less-than-awesome Joanna Lumley.

Let's end with one of our favourite clips, shall we? Again, no idea if this'll be in the show itself, and we know we've posted this before, but it still cracks us up every time:

Labels: A Bucket o' French and Saunders, BBC1, TV

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Thursday, August 30, 2007

Wear and tear

SO FETCH! What Not to Wear, BBC1, 8.00pm

Nothing ever stays the same for long in television, does it? Either producers are a little bit too tempted to fiddle with the format and end up ruining all the things that were good about it in the first place (did someone just try to hide the words "Big Brother" under a cough?), or the talent gets uppity and decides to try their luck elsewhere. Hence we ended up with two shows of a similar nature when Trinny and Susannah decamped to ITV for the modestly-titled Trinny and Susannah Undress..., while BBC1, never in a hurry to let a successful format go if it can avoid it, installed Lisa Butcher (previously famous as the plank of wood that did the occasional piece to camera in the first series of Britain's Next Top Model) and Mica Paris (previously famous for 'My One Temptation' in 1988) as replacement cohosts.

To their credit, they did a sufficiently serviceable job to be invited back for a second series, and managed not to issue any dodgy-sounding marriage guidance advice while going about their day jobs, unlike some people we could mention. Having said that, it sounds like there may be worrying pop-psychology leanings in this opening episode: Meesh and Lees are faced with a selection of twins who are determined to dress alike and, selecting one each (a bit like Madonna selecting a child from the developing world, you know how it goes), try to cultivate a sense of individuality in them. If this were a movie where both twins were played by a preteen Lindsay Lohan with a mischievous glint in her eye, we'd be right on board, but with actual people this seems a bit...questionable.

It does provoke some interesting ideas for TV job swaps, mind. Perhaps Mica and Lisa could swap with Professor Robert Winston, and he can give sartorial advice on this show while they examine the effects of nature vs nurture on A Child of our Time. Right, we're off to pitch that to Peter Fincham...

Labels: BBC1, TV, What Not to Wear

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Tuesday, August 28, 2007

The writers flipped, we have no script, why bother to rehearse?

IMPROV! Outnumbered, BBC1, 10.35pm

We're naturally wary about getting excited about a comedy on BBC1 (which, on the comedy wariness scale, is slightly less wary that we would be of a new comedy on ITV1, slightly more wary than we would be of a new comedy on BBC2, which is about as wary as we would be of a comedy on Channel 4. We can't remember the last time there was a new comedy on Five, so that one's sort of fallen off the scale a bit), but early writeups of this one suggest it might actually be Quite Good.

The post-news slot suggests it might be one of those daring, grown-up type sitcoms, although obviously this being BBC1, it still seems to be about a nice middle-class couple raising some kids - three, in this case (hence the title). The difference between this and every other sitcom ever, according to all the press bumph, is that it's largely improvised. Speaking as a drama graduate, we'd point out that "improvising with children" is on the list of things we'd prefer to avoid somewhere between "watching another bloody programme about Diana" and "having Gillian McKeith poke at our stools", so sizeable props to Hugh Dennis and Claire Skinner for attempting it, if nothing else.

We're giving this our "worth a look" badge, with a "might be surprisingly good" for backup. Of course, if it turns out to be a load of old trot, then pretend you never read this.

Labels: BBC1, Outnumbered, TV

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Monday, August 20, 2007

Getting your Ender away

AWAY! EastEnders, BBC1, 8.00pm

It's always a fairly brave move to move a handful of soap characters away from their main territory, or to follow them when they go, at least. We can't quite explain why, but soap characters outside their natural habitat often fall flat. Maybe it's because it breaks the flow of the normal storylines back home, maybe it's that they don't stand up well under closer examination, or maybe it's just because, y'know, because. Coronation Street just about got away with it the other week when Steve and Eileen went to Malta, but it was a close-run thing. This week, some of the EastEnders crew are heading to Brighton, so let's see how they get on.

Leaving the Square are Garry and Dawn, making what he hopes will be a romantic getaway of some sort, presumably because he has low standards and he hopes that hers aren't much higher. Brighton's his home turf, which also leaves things open for Minty to relight his fire with Garry's mum Hazel. We'll pause here to give you all enough time to swallow that dry heave. And Heather also sets off for the south coast, being somewhat smitten with Garry for reasons that will never be entirely clear.

Also trippin' out this week is Pat, presumably because it's time for her annual storyline. Hooray! Pat is on a trip as a result of a mysterious letter which she will be seen to read ominously shortly beforehand, and cadges a lift off everyone's favourite neglectful parent and all-round degenerate, Shirley. Shirley, being Shirley, abandons Pat in the middle of nowhere, but fortunately Pat bumps into DCI Burnside who accompanies her on her journey, presumably leading to hilarious adventures of many varieties. Whee!

Labels: BBC1, EastEnders, Soap, TV

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Tuesday, July 24, 2007

He's 55, he's from County Mayo: it's Louis Walsh

DISMISSAL! You Can't Fire Me, I'm Famous, BBC1, 10.35pm

Back at the beginning of March, some good news was unveiled to the British public. Possibly the best news we'd ever heard in our comparitively short lifetime, in fact: it was announced that the upcoming fourth series of The X Factor would be having some cosmetic changes, one of which was the removal of drama-loving nitwit Louis Walsh from the judging panel. Finally, we thought, they're starting to fix the many, many things that are wrong with that show. Now they just need to boot the equally clueless Sharon Osbourne and find some actual talented contestants and we might have something here.

But of course, it was all too good to last. Despite the further excitement generated by the addition of Dannii Minogue to the judging panel, along with the rumours that she had reduced several contestants to tears within days of taking up the post, there was disheartening news on the horizon: in June it was announced that choreographer Brian Friedman, the other new judge, would be stepping down and Louis Walsh would be returning to his initial role, and the hearts of millions of talent-show viewers across the land collectively sank with such ferocity that most of us needed to resole our shoes afterwards.

Rumours abound that the whole thing was a publicity stunt, especially since Louis has a habit of threatening to flounce off the show, and tonight he gets to be indulged further by chatting to Piers Morgan about the whole debacle for 45 minutes. Yep, three-quarters of an hour focusing on the publicity-loving Irishman who never forgets to tell us which town his contestants hail from and has a tendency to defend his acts by saying such tasteful and well-thought-out statements as "the poor boy's blind!" on national television. This will either be a constant barrage of indignant self-justification or a searing insight into the mechanics of television production that leaves us with some degree of sympathy towards Louis, although to be honest, we're not exactly holding our breath for the latter.

Labels: BBC1, TV, You Can't Fire Me I'm Famous

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Friday, July 20, 2007

The wedding from Stell'

WEDDING! EastEnders, BBC1, 8.00pm

All good things must come to an end, as a wise person once said. (We think it was Nelly Furtado.) And so it is with great sadness that we come to mark the passing of Sophie Thompson from EastEnders for, in an age where it's quite hard to find good things to say about the show, she's been worth her weight in gold as unhinged, child-terrorising solicitor Stella.

When Stella arrived, she appeared to be a nice respectable professional who was just going about her life with Phil as one of her clients. Of course, this state of affairs could not be allowed to continue for long because soaps, and EastEnders in particular, are profoundly distrusting of the middle classes, and of those who choose to work in a location that is not immediately visible from outside their front door. And so it came to pass that Stella became betrothed to Phil and slowly unravelled (though the show seems to suggest she was like this all along, because well-to-do people are always secretly evil) and waged a campaign of torment against Phil's son Ben for reasons that we were never entirely sure of, but which we suspect are related to a Need To Control and also Her Own Unhappy Childhood. If only she too had been treated to the occasional cockernee knees-up around the old joanna, maybe things would've turned out differently.

We're not averse to a bit of child-bullying in a soap - Clare's campaign against Tom in Hollyoaks was a triumph - and Sophie Thompson sold the hell out of the material that she was given throughout the storyline, as ridiculous as it may have become in places. But villains always get their comeuppance in this show, and just when Stella's at her happiest on her wedding day to Phil (clearly a sign that she's not all there, because no sane person would ever be joyful at the prospect of life in wedlock with the grumpiest potato in soap) Ben finally cracks and her secret shame is revealed. Phil's on the warpath, obviously, and Stella's unlikely to get away with it this time, thanks to those meddling kids. She may have been a monster, but she made the show worth watching for an all-too-brief period. Normal mediocrity presumably resumes next week.

Labels: BBC1, EastEnders, Soap, soap weddings, TV

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Thursday, June 28, 2007

Sister act

BLEAK! True Dare Kiss, BBC1, 9.00pm

Once again, we've utterly failed to learn from our mistakes and we find ourselves writing this preview at some point past midnight on the same day that it's due to go up. Except this time we weren't delayed because we were in the pub, we were delayed because we were in Ikea. So instead of that nice, blissed out feeling of general wooziness and goodwill to all, we're instead feeling a kind of impotent rage directed at mankind, generally. But, on the plus side, we're full of Swedish chocolate.

So! Television, then. True Dare Kiss is a new drama from Debbie Horsfield, whose name you might recognise from Cutting It (which we watched infrequently but generally quite enjoyed), Sex, Chips and Rock 'n' Roll (which we loved unashamedly) and Making Out (which we have no recollection of watching at all). This one, as far as we can deduce, centres on the sprawling dysfunctional Tyler family, who are brought back together by the return of the prodigal daughter and the death of the patriarch, which reveals a long-buried secret. So far, so Brothers and Sisters, which is rather unfortunate given the timing.

That's not to say this won't be worth a look, of course - we always like to wait until we've seen at least one episode of a programme before offering a firm judgement. Unless it involves Gillian McKeith of course, and you can see Tuesday's entry for our feelings in that respect. Still, there's some good casting at work here: Dervla Kirwan, Lorraine Ashbourne, Pooky Quesnel (best name ever y/n?) and also Esther Hall (making a frantic break from Kris Marshall and those horrid BT adverts, no doubt). Should at least be worth a cursory tuning-in, we reckon.

Labels: BBC1, True Dare Kiss, TV

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Wednesday, June 13, 2007

A spoonful of Sugar

HIRED! The Apprentice, BBC1, 9.00pm

Every so often, we swear we can still hear an echoed cry of "what the fucking fuck?" bouncing around our living room walls, which was something akin to our response during last week's episode when Katie apparently developed a heart of some kind and realised that she couldn't possibly leave her children to go and work for Sralan Sugar, thereby "stepping down" from the interview process. You know, the same children that she'd repeatedly suggested quite strongly that she didn't really give a flying Fauntleroy about roughly ten minutes previously. We cried bullshit, and if Tre's exit interview is anything to go by, we're not wrong. Then again, Tre thinks he has offices in 15 countries across the world, so who knows what's true anymore, eh?

Anyway: this is it, bitches. After tonight, either Kristina Grimes or Simon Ambrose will be The Apprentice, and will have an extremely glamorous job along the lines of recycling old office supplies in Brentwood, the lucky lucky things. The smart money would seem to be on Kristina, on the grounds that she's displayed such qualities as resourcefulness and competence (swearing on air during the teleshopping task notwithstanding), rather than on Simon, who rather went to pieces over the past few weeks, who unintentionally draws attention to his penis on live television and turns into a six-year-old girl during interviews, but who looks nice answering the phone in his pants. But that's the thing with this show, because not many of us were betting on Michelle this time last year, and look what happened.

This year's final task is a little more low-key than previous years: Kristina and Simon are asked to come up with suggestions for what Sralan might want to do with the ground he'll obtain when he demolishes a building that he's just bought on London's South Bank, and present their ideas to a crowd of 100 property experts (dear show: please let one of them be Sarah Beeny). It's not quite as dramatically satisfying as the gala party event from last year, but it probably makes more sense from a "who's most likely to be better at the actual job" perspective. So, who'll win? Who knows? That's half the fun. Team Kristina! (Now watch as Simon romps to victory, since we always get these things wrong.)

Labels: BBC1, reality TV, The Apprentice, TV

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Tuesday, May 08, 2007

A wholby new world

COPPERS! HolbyBlue, 8.00pm, BBC1

Having decided that the best way to package emergency service-based drama is to reassure the rest of the country that the vast majority of unpleasant accidents and criminal acts in the UK are concentrated on one fictional city, tonight the BBC finally launch the much-trailed HolbyBlue, based around a district police station in the fictional sort-of-South-Western city where the slings and arrows of perilous fortune are as likely to deliver you a squash racquet through the side of the neck as they are a fulfilling career alongside a top-flight, mostly-attractive team in a service industry.

And what a top-flight, mostly-attractive team they are! lowculture favourite Zoe Lucker plays a civilian member of staff who’s “nothing like Tanya Turner”, Kacey Ainsworth plays a police inspector who’s “a far cry from Little Mo”, and, just to up the blue content (“We thought it was going to be a drama about naughty nurses!” – oh, shut up), lovely Kieran O’Brien aka Gruey/The Bloke Who Had Real Actual Sex Using His Real Actual Cock in 9 Songs plays a starting-to-be-a-bit-long-in-the-tooth police constable. There’s also a desk sergeant who might turn out to be a gay, if having blond hair, having a laugh at work while feeling unfulfilled and being called Christian are all indicative of homosexuality (yes, they are), and the obligatory chalk/cheese detective partnership between Cal Macaninch from Sorted (the one with the spooky, featureless face) and Richard Harrington from Bleak House (the one who still loved Esther after she’d had smallpox). Oh, and Charlie Fairhead pops up early on to reassure viewers that this really is Holby and they’re not going to have to rupture their brains by imagining a brand new fictional city (or even a REAL one, as was used magnificently by the fantastic City Central).

Having previously spent a year working for the police in a dangerous and thrilling administrative capacity, lowculture will be scanning HolbyBlue extremely closely for any major inaccuracies, such as attractive offices with less than eight people crammed inside them, tidiness, rooms being used for what they were designed to be used for, decent chairs and internal mail that gets to where it’s supposed to be going in less than three days. Oh, and police corruption, which is revealed (to the viewer, if not to the cast) around three or four episodes in, but with which we were never involved, disappointingly.

A small point: There appears to be some confusion over whether HolbyBlue is written as one or two words, with the majority of TV listings guides going for the former, but the Radio Times defiantly swimming against the tide and splitting the thing in two. Much as it goes against every natural instinct we possess to disagree with RT, on this occasion we’ll follow the crowd (and the BBC website) and try to ignore the chaos they’ve caused by trying to be all clever with their stupid logo.

Labels: BBC1, Charlie Fairhead wanders into shot, crime, Holby Blue, Holby/Blue, HolbyBlue, TV

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Thursday, May 03, 2007

Won't let you trick me twice...oh, go on then

CON! Hustle, BBC1, 9.00pm

Possibly it's just because they're made by the same production company, but Hustle is inexorably linked to Spooks in our minds. And as much as we enjoyed the most recent series of the latter, there were those who whispered those dreaded words: "series too far". We're not saying we agree, but it's worth asking ourselves: is Hustle heading down the same path?

Well, obviously we don't know because we haven't seen it yet, but there are major changes afoot - Adrian Lester has left, leaving a rather noticeable hole in the management side of the team, and he's not getting properly replaced until next week when Ashley "Asher D" Walters turns up. In the meantime, however, we're in LA, because where else would an incredibly slick and pretty show go?

This week's con involves flogging the Hollywood sign to a naive Texan film buff, but that's really just skin and bones, because we know that we predominately tune in for the gloss and the sass and that general "sigh, I wish I were a big glamorous confidence trickster" feeling. It's quite similar to the "sigh, I wish I were a Japanese office worker who discovers he can control time" and "sigh, I wish I were tall and skinny and kind of dumb and still in the running towards becoming America's next top model". We should probably stop taking quite so many of our life goals from TV...

Labels: BBC1, Hustle, TV

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Wednesday, April 25, 2007

The art of war

BUSINESS! The Apprentice, BBC1, 9.00pm

Okay, so we're five firings into the new series; what better time for a quick reappraisal of how everyone's doing so far in the race to be Britain's Next Top Business Mogul? Let's see what we've learned about everyone so far, and how likely they are to win. Assuming that we know anything about it, of course, which given how last week's firing took us by surprise, is not something that should really be assumed.

Simon appears to be the quietly competent type, who doesn't create an awful lot of fuss. He also wanders around the house in impossibly tiny briefs, which is a rare quality not to be underestimated. We wouldn't be surprised to see him in the final, if he doesn't get distracted by giraffes again. Ghazal has one win as PM under her belt, but that rather appears to have happened in spite of her rather than because of her. She does a reasonably good job of getting on with her colleagues, but doesn't appear to handle pressure well. Tre is a pottymouth, and appears to view everyone else with something approaching contempt. As a general rule we applaud such behaviour, but it might come back to bite him in the arse if he's not careful.

Paul is still something of an unknown quantity. The fact that he was apparently born with an entire set of sterling silver cutlery in his mouth probably bodes ill for his chances of winning, because Sralan doesn't like toffs, or something. Kristina is another one who seems to be flying under the radar - she's not drawing attention for anything good or bad, so we wouldn't rule her out yet. Katie is probably our pick of the women in terms of the one likely to get the furthest, because she puts herself forward a lot (we'll leave it to others to make the "puts herself out" joke) and generally had quite good ideas, even if she's also too probably too posh to win. Adam is tedious and ineffectual as a project manager, and was frankly incredibly lucky not to get fired last week.

Jadine is still our favourite. Her spasms of joy at the prospect of marketing "Eclipse Clips" in episode two is one of our highlights of the series so far. We feel she's unfairly highlighted as a troublemaker. But she's not going to win. Lohit is kind of awesome. He's another person who is quietly competent without attracting much attention, but his inspired marketing of the Instant Diabetes Lollipops last week shows lots of potential. Naomi is someone we don't like, because she picked on Jadine. We don't need a better reason. And finally we quite like Natalie, if only because she clearly dislikes Adam as much as we do. Again: no better reason needed.

So, there we have it. And we're still none the wiser as to who'll go the distance. Who could've predicted that, eh? Anyway, this week's task is all about selling art photographs in a trendy gallery. The art tasks are usually good value, and with any luck some of the quiet ones might step it up a bit this week. Or failing that, two of the more antagonistic contestants might actually kill each other. It's a win/win for the viewers, hopefully.

Labels: BBC1, The Apprentice, TV

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Tuesday, April 10, 2007

Hunt is the C-word

EXPLAINED! Life On Mars, BBC1, 9.00pm

And now back to 1973 (or is it?), where Sam Tyler finally gets some answers (or does he?) in the final episode EVER (or is it? Yes, it is) of Life On Mars, and the rest of us finally get to learn the truth behind Sam's rather individually-tailored situation. Kudos to the BBC for not dragging the series on beyond its natural shelf life and public interest rate, leaving behind a hermetically-sealed little modern classic with lots of brown cars in it, not to mention a completely new definition for the term "coma acting".

So, what IS going on inside Sam's head? Well, we don't know, obviously, but we've heard some very convincing explanations over the past couple of weeks, and with the arrival of the enigmatic, Samlike DCI Frank Morgan in the penultimate episode last week, it seems that Sam may finally be due a decent explanation himself. But will he like what he hears? Can Morgan be trusted? And why does he seem so keen to get Gene out of the way? After two series of Sam and Gene colliding with each other at every turn and yet apparently building a mutual respect for each other's unfamiliar policing methods, is it time for them to start punching each other again? Is Gene Hunt possibly more real than Sam gave him credit for? Could he even be the key to Sam waking up? How easy is it to write a fairly convincing theory into a preview without making the whole thing blindingly apparent? Not very, it seems.

What we do know is that events come to a head at a rather critical moment during a police operation to foil a train heist (or do they?), and that other operations and other heads may also be involved in other planes of reality and [un]consciousness. The BBC say they've filmed two endings (or have they?), so whether it ends with Sam alive or dead or awake or asleep or being fed half a dozen different explanations for his predicament and having to sort through them with his quite good police brain, we have no idea.

Naturally, the relief at finally being let in on the secret is mixed with sadness at the passing of what has been one of the finest, most engaging and beautifully-shot television shows of recent years, with the personality-clash dynamic of Tyler and Hunt's partnership for people who like police dramas and the underlying mystery of the entire situation for people who never thought they'd get so involved in a police drama but always enjoy something a bit baffling. Of course, there's some consolation to be had from vague promises of Hunt-centred spin-off Ashes To Ashes (hmmm), not to mention the prospect of John Simm expanding his time-travel CV in the Doctor Who finale in a couple of months. Though whether he'll be required to flirt with his mother again has yet to be confirmed.

Labels: 1973, 2612, a bit like The Sweeney, back in time?, BBC1, brown cars, coma?, corruption, crime, Dorothy, Frank Morgan, Gene Hunt, Hyde, Life On Mars, mad?, Sam Tyler, test card girl, TV

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Wednesday, March 28, 2007

You're fired. And you're fired. Oh, and you? You're fired.

SACKING! The Apprentice, BBC1, 9.00pm

Here it goes again, folks: it doesn't seem very long ago that the country was firmly in the grips of Badgermania, does it? Unfortunately it demonstrated our lack of ability to pick the winning horse once again: we backed Karen to begin with, only for her to get fired in week two, at which point we switched allegiance to Michelle, on the suspicion that she was one of those stealth competent ones. But then when she narrowly escaped getting fired in the TopShop challenge and did a bit of a pisspoor project manager job, so we assumed that she stood absolutely no chance of winning and switched our allegiance to Team Badger with the rest of the country, only for Michelle to pip Ruth at the final post. But golly, wasn't it nailbiting?

Expect blood to be pouring from our cuticles at around 9.55pm for the next few months, then, because it's back, with a whole new selection of delusional cannon fodder aspiring businesspeople all vying for that lucrative contract with Sralan Sugar and praying that they're not on the receiving end of the Gruffly-Pointed Finger of Certain Doom. We've had a look at the website to see how this year's candidates shape up, and on first impressions we're backing financial advisor Jadine Johnson, which probably means she'll be lucky to survive week three. Although we're fascinated by "bankrupt entrepreneur" Rory Laing, who we suspect may turn out to be this year's Paul Tulip. To be perfectly honest, it doesn't look like there are any contestants that we'd quite like to bum, but that didn't stop us enjoying the last series.

Apparently the first task involves selling coffee on the streets of London. If last year's first task is anything to go by, the boys will try to smarmily charm their way through it while the girls will all wear low-cult tops and short skirts and sex their way through the task (not literally, we hasten to add). Frankly if they actually try to approach it any other way, we'll be hugely disappointed.

Labels: BBC1, The Apprentice, TV

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Friday, March 23, 2007

Top of the brass

TOMSCHOOLERY! A Class Apart, BBC1, 8.30pm

It's always an emotional moment when they strike out on their own for the first time. Clinging to your hem as you approach the entrance gate, nervously surveying the unfamiliar faces scattered before them. Some hang back timidly; others meet the challenge head-on and charge into the crowd with a whoop and a whistle and a look of steely determination. You can't help but worry about them too, of course. So much learning to be done! So many facts to discover! Will they flourish in the new environment? Will they achieve their full potential? Is there any potential to achieve? This is Day One; where will they be ten years from now?

But they can't stay tied to the soapron strings for ever, so today it's Jessie Wallace's Day One, with BBC1 screening the heavily-trailed A Class Apart, her first post-EastEnders lead-role project. Jessie plays Candy, a brassy single mum who stages a protest after her teenage son is refused entry to a decent local school, prompting Anthony (Nathaniel 'I was Inspector Lynley and that manipulative bastard from Bleak House' Parker) to accept the lad into his public school as part of a frivolous Walnut Whip-staked bet with his deputy. Cue a complete metalworkclassful of social contrasts and cross-culture collisions, with brassy Candy's down-to-earth heart of gold and balls of steel winning over silver spoon-mouthed Anthony, while young Kyle, torn between class and brass, finds himself thinking back longingly to the days when his mother was still his sister and life was so much simpler.

Education issues aside (and presumably there are some in here somewhere, once you've got past the bit where where the toffs play fiddle with the lives of the commoners), the real question here is whether Jessie Wallace could be the next Sue Johnston, Sarah Lancashire or Amanda Burton, or whether she'll look back in ten years and realise that after the initial post-EastEnders career boom it all went a bit Elaine Lordan (sorry, Elaine). As long as she does't run home during morning playtime, pee in the sandpit or end up in detention in a slutty schoolgirl outfit with her sisters again, we're sure she'll be fine.

Labels: A Class Apart, BBC1, brass, education, toffs, TV

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Friday, March 16, 2007

Amusement crusade

GIVE! Comic Relief - The Big One, BBC1, 7.00pm

It's that time again! It seems like only two years since a bunch of the most talented, hilarious and generous people on British television pooled their resources to produce some of the most ground-breakingly brilliant, innovative, fresh television comedy ever seen in the UK, and now they're at it again! All in the name of charity and goodness, naturally. So, if you've got a spare eight hours tonight, you could do a lot worse than switching over to BBC1 for a laugh (ha ha!), a spot of stargazing (ho ho!) and the chance to make a hefty donation in excess of three figures (lowculture does not necessarily endorse the use of a decimal point) as a thank you to all the wonderful people involved in tonight's event, as well as Davina McCall, Kate Thornton and Fearne Cotton.

Of course, there's no better way to gauge a sense of the passing of time than by comparing the comedic names involved in successive Red Nose Days. New faces from 2005's show such as Henry, Wossy, Frenchy, Atkinsony, Nortony and Gervaisy now jostle for attention alongside lowculture favourites Mitchelly and Webby, who'll be putting Vordermanny and Bally (Snr) through their paces in a Special Red Nose Day edition of Numberwang, not to mention a Special Red Nose Day "surprise" from Kayey (probably a song, unfortunately), Hilly presenting a Special Red Nose Day edition of TV Burp (thanks, ITV!), and Tennanty in a Special Red Nose Day sketch with Tatey, followed by some other sketches from Tatey minus Tennanty a bit later on which probably won't be as Special. The big news (if you're Frenchy or Curtisy) is a Special Red Nose Day edition of BBC sitcom jewel The Final Ever Vicar Of Dibley, this time with young up-and-comer Stingy on hand to really force the chuckles from our throats. Frenchy's also due to pop up alongside Lucasy and Walliamsy, as are Brandy and Watermany, AND IF ALL THAT WASN'T ENOUGH FOR YOU COMEDY LEECHES there's the winner of Comic Relief Does The Apprentice to be revealed, not to mention the joyous prospect of Comic Relief Does Fame Academy being brought to an end in the name of charity and goodwill to the starving and unfortunate.

Finally, post-midnight, Peggy and Frosty draw the short straw / are the lucky bastards who get to do the pre-recorded links without having to be there on the night during the lengthy post-midnight Comic Relief clip anthology, which this year seems to drag on even longer than usual and almost certainly won't have O'Leary sitting in a sauna wearing a towel like it did a few years ago. Unless that's one of the clips. It's unlikely, but, you know, they could have snuck it in there. If they're feeling charitable.

Labels: BBC1, charity, comedy, Comic Relief - The Big One, Red Nose Day, TV

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Thursday, March 15, 2007

Sweet charity

BUSINESS! Comic Relief Does The Apprentice, BBC1, 9.00pm

Here's the funny thing with celeb reality formats - sometimes they work, and sometimes they don't. (We know, how very profound of us, right?) However, we have a feeling that this might prove to be an absolute corker. Two teams of celebs, divided into males and females, compete to win the approval of Sralan Sugar. There's no actual job up for grabs, because frankly none of them actually need it (now that's a revolution), so all that's driving them is the deep, ingrained desire of mankind to come out on top. Which means they're going to play vicious - hooray!

Possibly the biggest masterstroke as far as we're concerned was landing Dame Cheryl of Cole to represent for the ladies - we like to think that she has the cold, calculating look of a ruthless businesswoman about her, and would willingly trample over the men's team for a free bottle of water (although given the prices of chilled beverages in London these days, who wouldn't?). Plus, y'know, she's got ghostbusting experience, which means she has to be hard as nails, right? Also on Team Cheryl will be Trinny Woodall, Jo Brand, Maureen Lipman and Karren Brady. Representing the presumably feckless menfolk are Alastair Campbell, Rupert Everett, Piers Morgan, Danny Baker and Ross Kemp. Yeah, we're totally Team Cheryl on this one.

Obviously this will be a condensed version of the usual Apprentice competition, but as far as we're concerned that just means that there'll be the same amount of backstabbing crammed into a much smaller timeframe. Hooray! They'll be using their celeb contacts to raise as much money as possible, and someone will be fired. And if it's Cheryl, we're going to look very stupid tomorrow. But it won't be, right? Team Cheryl!

Labels: BBC1, Comic Relief Does The Apprentice, TV

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Thursday, March 08, 2007

Don't it make you feel good?

NUPTIALS! Neighbours, BBC1, 1.40pm/5.35pm

If there's one sentence that strikes fear into the heart of any actor in Neighbours, we would imagine it would be something like "your new love interest is Paul Robinson". Because let's face it, for most people, this means you're DOOMED. It may not happen right away, but there's not going to be a happy ending. If even the formidable, much-missed Izzy Hoyland couldn't survive dating him, what hope is there for anyone else?

Of course, foak in soaps never listen to reason, and hence the scene is set for another soap wedding, and the doomed bride this time is the clearly outmatched Lyn Scully, who will be leaving the show shortly, presumably to the accompaniment of loud cheers coming from our messageboard. She's had a good run, all things considered: spawned several hellspawn children and the occasional nice one. Become a grandmother to a creepy-looking baby. Lost her husband somewhere along the way to a Sheila's Wheels advert. Obtained the requisite lesbian haircut. At this stage, what is there left for her to do?

Marry Paul Robinson, obviously. Except it's not going to work out, because he's already set his sights on Rosetta Cammeniti, with whom he shared some illicit passion whilst improbably locked in Lassiters' wine cellar (and if anyone can explain to us why you'd need a security code to get out of a wine cellar, we're all ears). He's made several protestations of the "I never even thought of cheating on you!" variety, which means he clearly thought of little else. Oh Paul, you scallywag. Don't ever go changin'. So Lyn's wedding is a-go-go, but will it go ahead - and if it does, how long will the marriage last? Our bets are firmly on the side of "not very long at all, at all", so we'll just sit here and begin our sort-of-fond-but-not-really farewell to Lyn Scully, and all who sailed in her. God speed, and if you could arrange for Steph to fuck off too in the not-too-distant future, that'd be super.

Labels: BBC1, neighbours, soap weddings, TV

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Tuesday, February 13, 2007

I dream of The Sweeney

RETRO! Life On Mars, BBC1, 9.00pm

Oh, Sam Tyler. Sam, Sam, Sam Tyler. DCI Sam 'Rose' Tyler. You're in a bit of a hole, aren't you? You see, Sam got hit by a car, which was bad enough, and when he woke up he'd been demoted to DI, which added insult to injury, and he was also in 1973, which was pretty much the tin of beans that split the fucking Sainsbury’s carrier bag. Still, he’s got his health, although not so much his physical health (1973 seems to involve far more friendly workplace punch-ups than 2006), or his mental health (he keeps hearing ventilators and heart monitors and the BBC Test Card Girl talking to him in riddles from his television in the middle of the night). Well, he’s still got a job. And lots of brown clothes. Oh, Sam!

When we left Sam a year (thirty-four years) ago, he'd just stumbled across the long-absent Dad Tyler. However, after trying to persuade him to stay with his family to secure a happy future/present for grown-up Sam, it emerged that his father was actually two of the most notorious gangsters in Manchester, at which point it suddenly became clear that his absence was probably for the best. But that leaves Sam with a bit of a conundrum: if reconciling his family won't propel him back into the future, what will?

Oh, Sam! It’s not that simple, is it? Because Sam doesn’t know whether he really is in 1973, or if it’s all a coma dream, or if he's even there for a reason. And to make matters even more difficult, his boss in 1973 is DCI Gene Hunt, reversenaissance (hmmm) man and the antithesis of Sam’s responsible, meticulous approach to policing. On the plus side, DCI Gene Hunt is pretty much the most amazing character in the history of television, so there’s clearly something to be said for not being a soft little ponce. Sorry, Sam.

So now we’re all set for the second series of Life On Mars, and as we’re guaranteed a resolution to the mystery this time it should be EVEN BETTER. Those of us you who enjoy that sort of thing can play the usual ‘spot the bit of Manchester’ game that’s seen us you through so many Northern-set dramas (most Red Productions, for a start), with bonus points for accidental glimpses of satellite dishes, burglar alarms and non-historically-accurate TV aerials. Or you can just concentrate on the programme and watch Sam do his best to police a world where scientific calculators cost $365 (thanks, Official BBC Life On Mars website!), while trying to guess how the Ford Cortina it’s going to end. Oh, Sam!

Labels: 1973, BBC1, crime, Life On Mars, TV

By Nick :: Post link :: ::  
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Tuesday, January 30, 2007

Take these docs away from me

KENSIT! Holby City, BBC1, 8.00pm

Last September, Sadie King didn’t leave Emmerdale in a little plane with Cain Dingle after kidnapping her father-in-law and pretending to get shot, but she did leave Emmerdale, and soap fans would have been forgiven for thinking that they’d seen the last of the character, that the programme would carry on pretty much as it had before and that not very much had really changed, whether for better or worse. Nonetheless, tonight we finally get to find out what happened to Sadie after Cain left her, penniless and alone, on that remote airstrip in North Yorkshire.

Poverty has done Sadie the world of good. Left with nothing but the clothes on her back and a pair of gigantic eyes, she’s fallen back on her natural resourcefulness, reapplied her lip gloss and headed for Holby City Hospital (via the Persian Gulf). Of course, Sadie’s reputation precedes her, so she’s been forced to adopt a new identity and reinvented herself as Faye Morton, a seemingly nice nurse with gigantic eyes, clothes on her back and a gaping, Dubai-shaped hole in her employment records.

Sadie's first day basically involves a lot of hanging around trying to get the generally appalling Holby City staff to give her a job, and, with gigantic eyes being in short supply among the current cast, they do just that. Cleverly, her extensive Yorkshire-based exploits and back-story aren’t referred to at all this week, leaving the casual viewer as much in the dark about her self-serving, double-crossing, money-grabbing past as her new colleagues.

Elsewhere, it seems that the Kensit-sized salary has eaten into the props budget, with a couple of bargain-basement sub-plots involving elastic bands and scratchcards, and probably some more scenes with that smug new surgical consultant trying to turn the car park into a putting green, or whatever it is he's always doing out there. But most eyes – gigantic or otherwise – will be on Sadie, with viewers wondering how long we'll have to wait until the warm, compassionate exterior slips and we’re treated to an icy glimpse of soap’s twenty-seventh-or-eighth Best Bitch Of All Time’s true character and motives. Of course, a little surgery on her name blows the whole façade apart already: simply splice the new alias together with her old name and what do you get? Faye King! The mysterious woman is Faye King, everybody! As Betty Eagleton might say: we've got the measure of you, lady.

Labels: BBC1, gigantic eyes, Holby City, medicine, TV

By Nick :: Post link :: ::  
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Thursday, January 18, 2007

Finally facing our Waterloo

SCHOOL! Waterloo Road, BBC1, 8.00pm

We took the loss of Bad Girls and Footballers' Wives quite badly last year - it was almost like someone had destroyed the whole reason for our existence. If the BBC had cancelled Holby City as well, that may well have been the last you'd heard of us. So we're going to make slightly more of an effort to get into Shed's first drama for the BBC so that we have somewhere to direct our displaced feelings.

Admittedly, on first look the adventures of a group of teachers at a failing comprehensive doesn't seem to have quite the same bonkers allure as the stories of women in prison or women who are married to professional footballers, but we're not going to let that get in the way. Besides, they all appear to quite like falling into bed with each other on a regular basis, and we can get behind that as a concept. Last series English teacher Tom dumped his also-teacher girlfriend Lorna for also-teacher Izzie (and we'll watch anything with Jill Halfpenny in it, really), so we should get some fallout from that. Perhaps also someone might cultivate a relationship with someone who isn't a teacher, only to be stoned to death for heresy. That would be quite cool.

In new-drama news, there's a wealthy businessman who wants to give the school a significant cash injection in return for a seat on the board of governors. We haven't checked out the fine print of the contract, but we assume that means we wants a say in the way the school is run rather than he just fancies some different furniture. Depends on how nice the chairs are though, really.

Labels: BBC1, TV, Waterloo Road

By Steve :: Post link :: ::  
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