Tuesday, March 18, 2008

Blame the parents

PARENTAL! ONE Life, BBC One, 10.35pm

This is a curious one. It's a programme looking what it's like to be a pop star's parent. Yet it's not on Sky One, or ITV1/2, or Five, but in BBC One's quirky real lives strand, ONE Life. And it's not on in prime time, either, but late into the evening. We're not really sure that the whole point of this is, or where it's going, but it's a topic that hasn't really been covered so much by telly, so it may be interesting.

The parents here are those of a right rum assortment of pop stars: Courtney Love, Anthony Kiedis, Amy Winehouse (surely the show's big draw), er, Asher D from So Solid Crew, and, umm, Suggs. Presumably they will be expressing their disgust at their children's experiments with drugs, drugs, drugs, guns, and er, terrible fishfinger adverts.

Seeing as Anthony Kiedis' father is renowned for getting him into drink, drugs and women, and Amy Winehouse's parents are no strangers to the media (they have frequently publicly denounced her behaviour and famously told people not to buy her albums), this could be interesting. But we are really intrigued as to a) how they managed to get Courtney Love's family here (will Steve Coogan be brought up??) and b) why on earth Suggs' family are here.

We also get to see lots of baby photos of the stars, including Amy looking like a young Alanis Morissette. Come to think of it, Alanis hasn't released a record since, ooh, about the time Amy hit it big. Could this programme reveal that they are, in fact, one and the same? And what has Suggs done to poor old Captain Birdseye in order to bag that advertising contract? These are the things we really need to know...

Labels: BBC One, BBC1, ONE Life, parenting, pop stars

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Sunday, March 16, 2008

Consuming Passions

JESUS JONES! The Passion, BBC One, 8.00pm

RUTH JONES! Gavin and Stacey, BBC Three, 9.00pm

We wonder if God* is somehow looking down on lowculture at the moment. With I'd Do Anything last night and the imminent return of The Apprentice, Desperate Housewives, My Name Is Earl, Pulling, Eurovision and Doctor Who, and Gavin and Stacey also returning tonight, we seem to be blessed with telly abundance. So we thought we'd return the favour and also plug Jesus' programme, The Passion.

Yet another dramatisation of the last few days of the life of Jesus may not sound like perfect LC-fare, we grant you. Especially as it has all that betrayal and blood and religion and crucifixion and whatnot in it. But it still might interest you for the following reasons: 1. It is stripped across several nights, Bleak House stylee to be played out more of a soapy-drama. 2. It is on early enough to not be the gore-fest that The Passion of the Christ was. 3. It stars Prime Minister Harriet Jones (aka Penelope Wilton) as Jesus' mum, with James Nesbitt as Pilate and Tom Ellis, Dean Lennox Kelly and Paul Nicholls among the disciples. And OK, you probably know the story and the ending, but it will be interesting to see if, and how, the Beeb can make it feel new and captivating. Of course, one member of team LC had to bring the whole thing down to a wholly unbiblical level by suggesting some of the casting might mean it is also suitable for certain unwholesome pursuits (must...resist...Palm Sunday...jokes). We suggest a few Hail Marys (Maries?) and a couple of rounds of The Lord's Prayer for that young man instead.

Now onto matters of an altogether more serious nature. We loved Gavin and Stacey well before all those bandwagon-jumping awards people. And thus we are rather chuffed to see it back. And yes it IS heartwarming, but yes it is also funny with it. So that makes it just right in our book. Since the last series, Matthew Horne, James Corden and Ruth Jones have become sort-of household names (even if everyone describes them as 'that fat one and that thin one who do Big Brother's Big Mouth and all that other stuff' and 'her who played Myfanway, you know'). Joanna Page has stayed somewhat in the sidelines, which is kind of nice, as she hasn't sullied our image of her as the sweet serial engagee, (think Darren Day but nice, And a girl. And not sleazy.) Stacey.

Last time we saw our Welsh/Essex friends, Gavin and Stacey had just married, Nessa had discovered she was pregnant with (we presume) Smithy's baby and Stacey's brother had a grudge against Uncle Bryn for something we have yet to discover. So even though the central couple got together, engaged and married during series one, there is plenty of other stuff to set up new storylines with. All the usual supporting cast are present and correct for this series: Alison Steadman, Rob Brydon, Julia Davis, Larry Lamb, who has just been cast as Archie Mitchell, dad of Samantha Janus and the other one in EastEnders, and Melanie Walters, last seen playing Elliot's slightly deranged mum with the obsession for keeping the Welsh race pure in Hollyoaks. We can't quite work out if bringing elements of their soapy alter egos' lives into this show would be a work of genius or not.

What we do know is that this double bill will be the greatest thing on BBC Three since, ooh, Raiders of the Lost Ark which precedes it.

*Or the gods, or a higher being, or the force, or fate, or, in the style of Richard Dawkins, 'nothing, you ignorant fools. And stop being happy about wasting your lives watching meaningless telly drivel while you're at it. Oh, and Nick? You'll go blind.'

Labels: BBC One, BBC Three, BBC1, BBC3, Gavin and Stacey, jesus, The Passion, TV

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Saturday, March 15, 2008

Nancy, boys

SWINDLE! I'd Do Anything, BBC One, 7.30pm

Saturday nights haven't been the same since Lee Mead, Daniel Boys and co got themselves a whole bunch of nice West End jobs (and Seamus got to appear in, ahem, a Michael Jackson tribute show). And whilst several LC members have enjoyed seeing the gents tread the boards, we have been missing the cruel spectacle wonderful thrill of choosing a New West End Leading Lady or Man (TM) and seeing the losers cruelly serenaded on their way out. Though 'So Long, Farewell' and 'Close Every Door' are going to take some beating, particularly the ace coat removing gesture the boys had to go through.

So naturally we were all very excited when I'd Do Anything was announced. OK, certain members of the forum were a little unimpressed that there would be no male talent to drool over, but that disappointment was quelled by the knowledge that not only would we see a group of ladies competing to be Nancy, we'd get to crush the hope of dozens of stage school brats as we chose the Olivers. When it was announced that Cameron Mackintosh would take over from orange David Ian and Betty Turpin's son as the theatre bod, Barry Humphries would join the panel and Zoe Tyler wouldn't be there, expectations grew all the higher.

Unfortunately, last week, it was revealed that the public would not have a role in voting for the children, and Andrew and Cameron would be doing all that stuff themselves. Boooo! We can't think why. After all, letting under-16s onto the recent series of The X Factor was such a spectacular success (*cough*).

The forums erupted in a blaze of fury at this announcement:

'Not only are they denying us child labour, they're now taking away our viewer vote. Do they not want tears?' - Muinimula

'Well what's the fucking point of having the Oliver quest then?' - Sparkle

'Bloody hell, weeping ten year old stage school brats was the only reason I was going to tune in. If you're not casting Oliver in Oliver, then who cares anyway?' - Jetsetwilly

Never mind, people, we're sure there'll be plenty of chance to vent your spleen and indulge in some Barrowman/Van Outen bashing in the chatroom tonight. But be warned, at times like this it can be standing room only in there...

Labels: Andrew Lloyd Webber, BBC One, BBC1, child labour, I'd Do Anything, TV

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Friday, March 14, 2008

Good Sports

CHARITY! Sport Relief, BBC One, 7.00pm & 10.45pm and BBC Two, 10.00pm

What are your favourite TV charity marathon moments? This correspondent is torn. Would it be Comic Relief 1987 where she got to go to school dressed as a clown, which somehow meant being able to wear pyjamas, which was absolutely ace? Or ITV Telethon 1990 where Grimsby theatre group Stage One released a dreadful single, 'Power to the Pupils' in league with Jive Bunny that sold so badly every household in Grimsby ended up with at least three free copies? Or could it be Children in Need 1993 with the Doctor Who and EastEnders er, classic, crossover, Dimensions in Time? Or, you know, that time when Dawn French songged Hugh Grant? One thing it's not likely to be, though, is any Sport Relief moment.

We are veterans of the charity telly marathon here, and yet we cannot remember a single moment of any previous Sport Relief event. Other than David Walliams swimming the channel, which we are assuming was for Sport Relief. That doesn't mean we are against the idea of sport and charity collaborating. After all, we totally remember Sport Aid with its 'Everybody Wants to Run the World' theme tune. It just means this event has been less than memorable in the past.

Still, this year it seems they are pulling the stops out a bit with the telly extravaganza. Highlights include Jonathan Ross v Parky in a 'battle of the chat shows' (Wossy, obviously), Jimmy Carr hosting A Question of Sport Relief, the unlikely collaboration between Top Gear and the long dead Ground Force (that's the bit on BBC Two when the 'main' channel goes to the news), and, best of all, the climax of Sports Relief Does the Apprentice when one of the hapless men gets fired (our money is on Kelvin MacKenzie - Sralan doesn't seem so keen on former tabloid editors) and Sport Relief Does Strictly Come Dancing which includes Gemma Bissix (Dame Clare Devine/Bates) and Elaine Paige, although given that they would be in our dream line-up for Strictly proper, we have mixed feelings about them being here.

Anyway, lest we forget, this is all for a good cause - supporting a variety of projects in the UK and overseas. So don't forget to go and donate.

Labels: BBC One, BBC Two, BBC1, BBC2, charity, Jonathan Ross, Michael Parkinson, Sport Relief, Sport Relief Does The Apprentice, Strictly Come Dancing, top gear

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Wednesday, March 12, 2008

Funny Business

SRALAN! Sport Relief Does The Apprentice, BBC1, 9.00pm

We are sooooooo excited about this we can barely contain ourselves. In the name of Sport Relief (we were going to put call '0800 whatever' here, but the BBC website doesn't appear to have a number for the donation hotline on yet), ten celebrities get to play business with Sralan Sugar and get their egos well and truly deflated by Nick and Margaret in the process, before one of them, presumably during Friday night's telethon extravanganza, gets fired.

They'll have to go something to beat last year's stonking Comic Relief Does the Apprentice which featured Rupert Everett throwing a hissy fit and leaving, Trinny Woodall calling the whole world to help out, Cheryl Tweedy Cole being ruddy marvellous and Sralan struggling to only choose one to fire out of Piers Morgan and Alistair Campbell. But the format is always telly gold, so we are hoping for an early highlight of 2008 here.

The line-up this year may not be *quite* as star-studded as last, but it should still be entertaining. The boys' team consists of reality TV veterans Phil Tuffnell and Hardeep Singh Koli (who was ROBBED by Matt Dawson in Celebrity Masterchef), former Sun man Kelvin Mackenzie, slightly faded TV presenter Nick Hancock and Cheeky-Girl-lover and MP Lembit Opik.

The girls' team consists of token telly businesswoman Jacqueline Gould (we only hope Sralan will give her a bit of a ribbing over ITV's late, unlamented, begging show, Fortune), former George Clooney flame (and, er, model?) Lisa Snowdon, Claire Balding (who is always a little school-teacher ish and therefore will rule at this kind of thing) and LC faves Louise Redknapp and Kirstie Allsop (somewhat unexpected of Channel 4 to let her do this when they apparently have always refused permission for her to do Strictly Come Dancing, according to some Kirstie interview we read once. Maybe we should start a Facebook group for her or something).

Going on those team line-ups, we assume that the boys do not have a hope in hell.

Labels: BBC One, BBC1, charity, Sport Relief Does The Apprentice, The Apprentice, TV

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Thursday, March 06, 2008

Waterloo, couldn't escape if I wanted to

EDUCATION! Waterloo Road, BBC One, 8.00pm

This series of Waterloo Road has gone down rather well on the forums, so we thought it only right to give it a bit of front page space this week. Over the past trillion weeks we have seen all kinds of exciting action - Teenage marriage and divorce! Potential pregnancy! Mums WHO ARE DEAD! The wonder of Asperger's girl and the Bitch Twins! Zaarah Abrahams becoming famous for being in Dancing on Ice before her character started on the show! The dead baby skeleton story (which was really quite touching actually)! Paedophile rapist supply teachers! Neil Morrissey's son and wife turning up and going away again! The old head quitting in a scandal! The new head also being involved in a scandal! Steph and Coke Zero being awesome in the school musical! A random asylum seeker storyline last week with no build-up and presumably no follow-up! If you haven't been watching, see what amazingness you have missed! (Apart from Mika's eco-warrior plot. That was shite).

Tonight's episode centres on two characters: teaching assistant Davina, and everyone's favourite incompetent slutty French teacher, Steph Haydock. We especially love Steph because we had a slutty languages teacher just like her when we were at secondary school.

Davina's plot sees her caught in the classic love triangle between boring but stable regular cast member Tom and randomly-returning-and-also-a-bit-boring-but-fitter former head Jack. (It's hard to believe, but at the start of this third series, way back in Autumn 2007, Jack was still head of the school) Oh, and in a storyline that in no way echoes former deputy Andrew moving overseas to teach and asking Kim to go with him last series, Jack is moving overseas to teach and asks Davina to go with him. We don't know who she will choose, but seeing as they have established there isn't a lot of chemistry between her and Tom, and they have got Jason Merrels back for seemingly just this episode, we have a fair idea.

Steph's storyline is classic Steph. Funding for her upcoming language lab is withdrawn, so she goes into full-on seduction mode. We like.

Apparently next week is the last in the series, though, so expect various plots for cliffhangers to be set up this week and expect next week to go out with a bang. We're assuming the rumours about this being a possible Neighbours subsitute were unfounded, but now it's hit its stride and become Holby meets Footballer's Wives and especially now Grange Hill is no more, we wouldn't mind if they were actually true...

Labels: BBC One, BBC1, TV, Waterloo Road

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Sunday, February 17, 2008

Love thy Enemy

THRILLS! The Last Enemy, BBC One, 9.00pm

The Last Enemy might look like yet another crime thriller, we know, but don't yawn and wander off in search of a teen flick on Sky Movies just yet. We honestly think this crime thriller might be good.

It's set in the near future in a more 'surveillance' age. A man called Stephen comes back to London from a mysterious place the BBC website describes as 'abroad' to attend the funeral of his brother, and tries to find out what happened, finding himself caught up in a 'conspiracy' along the way. And whilst that may sound a little ho-hum, bear with us.

The reason we think this one might be good is the pretty awesome cast. Benedict Cumberbatch (whose career seems to have suddenly ballooned in the past year or so) takes the lead, which we like, because he is an unusual presence, particularly in this kind of genre. Robert Carlyle also stars (although after seeing 28 Weeks Later the other week, we are not sure his presence always means 'quality' any more), along with David Harewood, Max Beesley, and the wonderful Geraldine James.

In short, we are banking our hopes on the cast, rather than the plot. But there's not a lot else on at this time on a Sunday, so you may as well give it a go, eh? After all, Damages has shown that there is life in the crime thriller genre yet, and how wonderful would it be if there were great dramas on two nights in a row? Pretty darn wonderful, we think.

Labels: BBC One, BBC1, The Last Enemy, TV

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Saturday, February 16, 2008

Fake Bake

CHEESY! The One and Only, BBC One, 7.30pm and 9.40pm
CHEEKY! Ant and Dec's Saturday Night Takeaway, ITV1, 8.15pm

We don't know whether The One and Only has had its life cut short early, or whether it was always destined to be such a short run, but tonight, folks, is your grand final. And there are FIVE-count-em superstar impersonators competing for the chance to appear in Las Vegas. Er, in a tribute act show. Wooop!

So who will it be? Fake Robbie? Fake Lionel? Fake Diana? Fake Dusty? Fake Frank? To be honest, we don't care, because we wanted Fake Kylie, who looked and sounded exactly like Sam Fox, to go through and confuse the Vegas crowd. If that's your aim, Fake Robbie is probably now the best bet. If you want the most convincing, we're not sure. Possibly fake Lionel, but his ego is a bit ridiculous for someone on a glorified Stars in Their Eyes. Anyway, Fake Frank will win, so it's all a moot point.

This series has been utterly bizarre, and whilst it has been a pleasure to see Carrie and David Grant judging again, we don't need to bring it back for a second series. Surely there can be other ways of keeping them gainfully employed. We actually always liked Fame Academy you know...

Anyway, from one show that celebrates all that is fake, to another. Except we are sure Ant and Dec's Saturday Night Takeaway will have recovered from its minor slap on the wrist for phone fakery shenanigans last year (after all, everyone else was doing it, why couldn't they?). We expect a little self-knowing joke/apology early on and then business as usual.

We've never really been sure about this show. It's alright, we suppose, perfectly reasonable Saturday night fare. But it doesn't seem to do anything that The Late Late Breakfast Show and Noel's House Party didn't already do. Drawing on that comparison, expect to see Ant and Dec fall out with telly bosses soon, go into hiding with a poorly-themed Byker Grove theme park, where you too can learn about the dangers of paintballing blindness, only to emerge trimphant several years later babbling some nonsense about the cosmos and presenting one of those game shows that appeals to students and the elderly.

Labels: Ant and Dec's Saturday Night Takeaway, BBC One, BBC1, ITV1, The One and Only

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Sunday, February 10, 2008

Why the BAFTAs will be ace this year

GLITZY!The British Academy Film Awards, BBC1, 10pm

» With the writers' strike not yet having reached a conclusion, it is possible (unlikely, but possible) that the Oscars will not go ahead, thus making this THE film industry ceremony to be at in 2008.
» We liked a lot of the films we saw in 2007.
» Jonathan Ross is presenting, and he always does this kind of thing well.
» Being British, you get a better (or at least more British, older, less airbrushed) class of celebrity at this event than at the American ceremonies.
» Someone British will win something. Which will help us feel all self-satisfied and provide the papers with someone to coo over for a few days.
» The acceptance speeches are usually shorter than at the Oscars.
» We like everything we have seen that has been nominated (although we haven't seen everything on the lists) so we don't mind who or what wins.
» It has the Rising Star award that always features people who have had careers for several years, giving the audience something to complain at the screen about and thus feel superior.
» You can play 'spot the celebrity' bingo. First to spot Dame Judi Dench, Dame Helen Mirren, Dame Myleene Klass, Dame John Barrowman and Dame Jane Asher wins.

Labels: BAFTAS, BBC1, films

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Friday, February 08, 2008

Don't they know it's the end of the world?

GONE! Neighbours, BBC1, 2:10 and 5:35pm

Disclaimer: Forgive our shameless over-indulgence today. We are compensating for the absolutely ridiculous lack of attention that the national magazines, papers and websites have given to the biggest change in daytime TV for over 20 years.

On October 27, 1986, the world of daytime television was changed forever, when the BBC started showing a cheap Aussie soap to boost its daytime schedules. Originally scheduled at lunchtime and early in the morning, Neighbours was just something of a gap filler, a bit of fluff. It has already been cancelled once by its first network in Australia, and was being revamped by its new one. In those days, the BBC were quite happy to trailer their new import, though:



In the soap's early days, we were at primary school. We, like all schoolchildren, loved the illicit thrill of watching daytime television in the holidays. It was like a gateway to another world (and that sense of illicit pleasure never wears off, we still feel the same when we are at home during a weekday). It was during the school holidays that we discovered the joy of this strange new Australian show that was on the BBC. And we weren't alone. Everyone we knew at school was talking about it, and fortunately, so was another schoolgirl in another part of the country. Alison Grade, daughter of then-BBC1-controller Michael Grade knew the thrill of watching Neighbours in the holidays, and told her dad about it, suggesting lots of people (ie children and teenagers) would watch were it scheduled at a better time. She thus becomes one of the best people in the history of broadcasting ever.

On January 4, 1998, we were so happy we thought we might explode, as Neighbours moved from early mornings to its new home, the now legendary 5:35 showing. We remember forcing the whole of our family to watch the preview show, called something like Meet the Neighbours which introduced them to the legendary Helen, Jim, Paul, Scott, Charlene, Madge and co. We don't think it is overstating the case (much) to say that our nation changed that day. After all, where would Kylie's career be, and what would the state of the UK panto season be like without it?

By the end of the year, Neighbours was achieving ratings of around 18 million and carried on achiving 12-18 million viewers for several years to come. The wedding of Scott and Charlene achieved 19.6 million viewers and was probably one of the defining moments of our lives.
And despite the soap having been on at tea-time for several years, we never got over the excitement of watching it at lunch-time in the holidays or when we were off sick (a pleasure that has endured to this day). As Ceeb puts it: 'one of the best bits of school holidays was watching the afternoon showing of Neighbours instead of the traditional evening one. It made the soap feel a lot different and more special and happy (especially in the summer holidays if like me you stayed in on a glorious sunny day to see if Susan had gotten her memory back yet) even though it was clearly the exact same episode that would be on if you had tuned in at 5:35, you felt part of a special club that you couldn't be part of any other time of the year. Of course later in life you find out that that clubs other members consist solely of housewives, students, the unemployed and the drunk'. (And pensioners, Ceeb!)

When we were young enough to still watch Children's BBC, the scheduling of Byker Grove and Grange Hill (both RIP) and then our fave Aussie soap was a dream come true (and on the other days of the week, the Home and Away / Neighbours Aussie hour of greatness was also something of wonder), with the soap successfully bridging the gap between kid's and adults' TV: 'One of my favourite memories of Neighbours on the Beeb the relationship the evening edition had with CBBC and how they would occasionally discuss how the storylines were delightfully rediculous or perhaps get Ed the Duck to quack along to some of the theme tune to get you in the Neighbours mood (unless you lived in Northern Ireland of course where you left five minutes earlier for reasons never explained).' - Ceeb.



Its popularity with the kids also led to lots of cuts by the Beeb, including the removal of an incest storyline that beat Brookside and Hollyoaks by several years. Phil Redmond was obviously taking notes. The success of the show continued into the 1990s, with the introduction of popular characters such as the Kennedys and Toadie. Its ratings declined by the late 90s and into the 2000s (as did the ratings of everything else) but it remained a staple of our life, and the lives of a whole new generation, many of whom are at university now, born after it started and weaned on it from birth. It has always been just part of the routine for many British young people: 'My childhood weekday routine always consisted of school, CBBC, Newsround and Neighbours. There was never any question of whether we'd watch it or not, it was just always on' - Schmindie. Occasionally, the Beeb even promoted it:



How many of you shouted 'No Toadie, don't drive' at that clip, and at several subsequent occasions when he took to the wheel, with disastrous consequences? In the early 2000s, when the Beeb got all retro-tastic, Neighbours was also a staple part of I Love 1986 despite most of the clips being from 1988. We *think* there was some stuff on it in I Love 1988 too, mind.



The earlier part of the 2000s saw Neighbours go properly rubbish, with the introduction of a bunch of characters nobody cared about, such as Taj and Tahnee and the Hancocks. Who? Exactly. We even stopped watching it every single day, something that had never happened before (or since). Perhaps because of this, the BBC promptly forgot all about it and never trailed it again.

It soon got all amazing again though, with the introduction of Izzy, The Timminses, Valda, Mishka, Elle, Rosie and Frazer, the return of Paul Robinson, the plane crash and evil RobRob's reign of terror and the comletely bonkers 20th anniversary episodes which made us cry. Thrice:



Then, in spring 2007, came the darkest hour of our telly-watching lives:



As if the programme sensed our collective despair, it had a silly revamp and promptly got all rubbish again, but now it's starting to improve, in time for its move to five. We'll celebrate that occasion on Monday, but today we must mourn at the real end of an era: the end of Neighbours on the Beeb, and the end of Neighbours at 5:35 (5:30 doesn't quite have the same ring to it). We've got our box of tissues ready.

Labels: BBC1, neighbours, soap death

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Thursday, February 07, 2008

Ash Thursday

RETRO! Ashes to Ashes, BBC One, 9.00pm

It may not be 1973, it may not be nearly dinner time, and Gene Hunt may not be 'avin' 'oops, but otherwise things are all looking decidedly familiar for DI Alex Drake, who wakes up in the past - in a brothel, no less - after being shot while escaping from a wrong'un who kidnapped her and her daughter. Yes, this is the eagerly-anticipated sequel to Life on Mars, which we know is going to be better than the original because this one is named after a Bowie song that was later sampled by Samantha Mumba, whereas 'Life On Mars' was not. It's as simple as that.

In truth, we worried a bit about the concept behind this, since when it was first announced it sounded like a bit of a half-arsed attempt to carry on the series without John Simm, and with a bit of gender reversal thrown in. However, now that we know more about it, we're genuinely excited, for reasons such as the fact that Alex Drake is being played by Keeley Hawes, and the fact that the writers have chucked in some Scream-esque genre-savviness by having Alex be fully aware of what happened to Sam Tyler (apparently she was his psychologist, no less), and even trying to use what she can recall from his notes to get home within the first episode, only to discover that things are going to work differently for her. Such self-awareness bodes well for the series, we feel.

And of course there are many other things that we're excited about: the return of the inimitable Gene Hunt, now living in 1981 and having transferred to the Met; Ray Carling having a perm; the car of the piece being an Audi Quattro; Keeley Hawes's fabulous hair; the probable New Romantic soundtrack; the creepy test-card girl being replaced by George and Zippy from Rainbow; and the slight-but-not-impossible prospect of this lowculture correspondent being born in the background if they happen to be in the Truro area at the end of March. With this much potential, how can it fail to be brilliant? (Let's hope there aren't lots of people in the comment box at 10pm telling us precisely how.)

Labels: Ashes to Ashes, BBC1, TV

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Saturday, February 02, 2008

The bleak Miss Winters

SHOCK! Casualty, BBC1, 8.20pm

In a world of vastly depleted natural resources, Casualty doesn't usually match the recycling targets of The Bill (or indeed Holby City) for sheer volume of recognisable people (‘actors’, if you will) who were pretend people (‘characters') in other things but are now pretend people ('characters') in this thing, but there’s always a little room (‘cubicle’) in Holby City Hospital’s emergency department for recognisable people (‘actors’) from other long-running serial dramas (‘seridrams’) to find a new home. Slightly worryingly, it’s a Brookside-heavy cast at the moment, with old hand Suzanne Packer recently joined by fellow former Brookie babes/Liver birds/Scouse skirt etc Sunetra Sarker and Gillian Kearney. So if the lead goes missing from the hospital roof, you know which lockers to check first. (Sorry!)

However, queen of the current Casualty soap graduates is, of course, frosty Brand New Doctor Ruth Winters, played by the phenomenally talented and hugely sympathetic Georgia Taylor, aka Our Toyah Battersby from Coronation Street. During her initial shifts, her main function seemed to be to make endearingly hapless fellow Brand New Doctor Toby look even more useless, with Ruth effortlessly breezing through advanced brain surgery and transfiguration while Toby struggled to thread a needle and operate double doors. But after twenty-four weeks (twenty-four weeks!), Toby’s confidence has grown and his colleagues have taken him to their collective bosom, while Ruth’s offhand manner and relentless ambition have left her on the periphery of the team alongside the warm corpses, lab rats and MRSA.

But naturally Ruth's aloof for a reason. Her drunken father hit her! Her depressed mother killed herself! Charlie Fairhead snapped at her on her first day! Only last week, a Banksyesque graffiti artist painted a big, beautiful mural of the Holby staff, but depicted Ruth without a face! And every so often she slips up badly and goes to great lengths to conceal her mistakes. Which she usually manages to do, but not tonight. So Ruth goes on to do something rather extreme and not entirely expected, and the world quite literally (not literally, obviously) falls apart.

Basically, after twenty-one years (twenty-one years!), including at least ten years in the doldrums with generally draggy plots and irritating characters, Casualty is really, properly good again, and Georgia Taylor is a major force in this resurgence of goodness. And the mediseridram continues to entice and impress next week, with the ridiculously hot Rhys Thomas from Star Stories guest starring as the team look back over events leading up to tonight's 'thing', while Harry Harper leafs through Ruth's diary and, presumably, furrows his brow a lot. Hindsightastic! And very sad.

Labels: BBC1, Casualty, Georgia Taylor is completely amazing, medicine, TV

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Friday, February 01, 2008

Box of Delights

The life of being a previewer for your favourite website is not easy, you know. Sometimes we look at the next week's TV listings, full of despair because there is nothing good to talk about that we haven't already previewed. And yet like buses, the law seems to be that you wait for ages for something exciting to come along, then it all comes along at once. Tonight sees such a ridiculous embarrassment of riches on the box that Steve and Rad needed to collaborate together (in a move that hasn't been seen since, oooh, Christmas) to get it all in. So get a cup of tea and a biccy and plan your evening with us....


RETURNING! EastEnders, BBC1, 8pm

It's good to see that Gemma Bissix's lucrative career of playing scheming bitches called Clare didn't end when she finally bowed out from Hollyoaks last year (and boy, does the show miss her. It's never the same without a good villain, and no, Jake Dean certainly does not count), as she reappears tonight in the TV alter ego we all knew before Clare Devine ever set foot in Chester: Clare Bates (née Tyler), in EastEnders on BBC1 at 8.00pm. Having been last seen as a rosy-cheeked schoolgirl heading off to Scotland with adoptive dad Nigel, she makes her entrance tonight in fine style - being thrown out of a car while wearing a skimpy dress and not looking not wholly unlike archetypal soap bitch-with-a-soft-centre Izzy Hoyland. Clare quickly reconnects with Dot, who's in dire need of a project at the moment, and then sets her sights on Ian, as everyone in the Square eventually does. Seriously, even the gays are going to be after him in a couple of weeks. When will this madness end?



ENDING! Jam and Jerusalem, BBC1, 8:30pm
We know that this series is never going to go down in the comedy annals in the same way that Absolutely Fabulous or The Vicar of Dibley have. However, we still love it, and it's a darn sight better than recent episodes of French and Saunders. This gentle, warm and still pretty darn funny series ends tonight when we see whether Tash will marry Spike. We'd like to see a Jam and Jerusalem wedding, so let's hope she says yes, eh?



SINGING! The Choir: Boys Don't Sing, BBC2, 9pm
We loved The Choir last year and we're very pleased to see it back. For the uninitiated amongst you, the series featured loveable, geeky and slightly hot choirmaster Gareth Malone (who has a touch of the Tennant about him, we think) in his attempts to transform a bunch of inner-city 'yoofs' into a choir to sing at the World Choir Olympics (if only they would integrate that into the ACTUAL Olympics, we would be so into that). This year, he's trying to repeat the same trick, only the 2008 twist is that it's an all-boys choir and they're competing in something at the Albert Hall instead. So there's a few echoes of The History Boys there, too. Only, we hope, without all the slightly creepy sexual undertones. This is your standard life-affirming fare, but none the worse for it.


JAW-DROPPING! Hey Paula!, ITV2, 10pm
Someone over at ITV2 has clearly broken into our top-secret personal diary, the one where we write our topmost secret telly wishes. While they couldn't quite see fit to give us "The Paula Abdul and Janice Dickinson Crazy Medicated Bitch Channel", they've done the next best thing, and got hold of Paula's very own reality show Hey Paula! to play directly after American Idol at 10.00pm. It doesn't take a genius to guess that the Paula in this show is Idol Paula, with the car-crash level upped by a factor of 20, so it will either be the greatest programme ever or the absolute worst. Possibly it will somehow manage to be both at once, thereby snapping the space-time continuum cleanly in two and killing us all where we stand. But let's hope not, eh?



COMPETING! Alan Carr's Celebrity Ding Dong, Channel 4, 10pm
If you're not a Paula Abdul fan, get the hell out of here and never come back. Sorry, that should read: "why not try Alan Carr's Celebrity Ding Dong on Channel 4 at 10.00pm instead?" - our mistake. We've read an interview with Alan Carr, seen a few trailers and looked at the listings, and yet we're still not really sure how on earth this show works, except that it pits celebrities versus civilians (no doubt inspired by Liz Hurley's famous clanger about the vast chasm between the two species) in a series of zany questions. It's got legs, certainly, but we'll wait until after the first episode before our final judgement.


REMINISCING! The Law of the Playground, Channel 4, 10:30pm
There was a time at the end of the last decade and the start of this one when you couldn't turn on your telly without a bunch of talking heads babbling on about the wonders of growing up in the 70s and 80s. Which was fine, because we all know that any conversation between 20 or 30 somethings always turns to the things of our childhood in the end. But there are only so many conversations you can have about all things retro before you get all meta and starthaving retrospectives of the retrospectives and the aforementioned space-time continuum comes and gets us. So what we are trying to say is that we are quite surprised to seeThe Law of the Playground returning for a second series. Perhaps Channel 4 decided it had been long enough without a nostalgia-fest that they could get away with it (or perhaps they were just desperate for some cheap filler whilst they wait for new episodes of Ugly Betty). The usual suspects are here: Justin Lee Collins, Vic Reeves, and, ooh, look who it is! Myleene Klass! Who'da thunk it, eh?


JAMMING! Later...200, BBC2, 11:35pm
The institution that is Later... With Jools Holland returns for a new series, and kicks off with its 200th episode. Although there is often a bit too much boogie-woogie jamming for our liking, the series is always guaranteed to pull off a few corkers from established artsists and is renowned for launching some great talent to boot. Tonight the big draw is a set from Radiohead, but there are other goodies to be had as well, including Cat Power, Dionne Warwick, Mary J Blige and Feist, a booking that will make at least one lowculture user very happy indeed.

So there you have it. Phew. We're going for a nice lie down now.

Labels: Alan Carr's Celebrity Ding Dong, BBC1, BBC2, Channel 4, EastEnders, Hey Paula, ITV2, jam and jerusalem, Later..., Myleene Klass, Paula Abdul, The Choir, The Law of the Playground, TV

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Thursday, January 31, 2008

One is such a lonely number

MONOLOGUE! EastEnders, BBC1, 7:30pm

It seems only, ooh, a couple of weeks ago, that there was a thread on the forum named 'Cancel EastEnders'. Oh, and another one called 'EastEnders: How can it stop being shit?' The show hasn't quite shown the mammoth turn around in quality it might want you to think it has, but it's certainly improved from a few months ago at any rate.

Even the most casual viewers and those who have long since deserted it will want to be tuning in for the next couple of nights, though. In fact, these next two episodes of EastEnders are so (potentially) momentous that we are featuring the soap on our front page two days in a row. We can't remember whether that has ever happened before, and we doubt whether it will happen again.

Tonight's episode has been promoted for two or three months now. It is the soap's first single-hander, and it is only fitting that it should go to Dot, a character we actually care about (and note to the scriptwriters, if you EVER try this trick with Phil Mitchell or Max Branning, we will never watch again).

The storyline centres around Dot recording a message for Jim, recovering from a stroke (as actor John Bardon recuperates from the same). We love Dot and Jim together, even if the show has kind of glossed over the fact that they both have a bit of a dodgy racist past, and we also love June Brown's portrayal of Dot. She manages to inject real heart into what could be a tedious series of storylines (a seemingly endless cycle of being religious, loving wayward son, being done over by wayward son, being mugged/terrorised/robbed, seeing loved one die, losing faith in God, regaining faith, loving wayward son etc).

We imagine this one will be a bit of a tearjerker, but at least there's a range of shows at 8 to cheer you up (schedulers take note: we like Waterloo Road, Masterchef, Jamie at Home AND American Idol. Would it hurt to spread the love out a bit?). Grab a box of tissues, and we'll see you tomorrow for a bumper box of Friday TV goodies, including more EE.

Labels: BBC1, EastEnders, Soap, TV

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Thursday, January 24, 2008

Dressed for success?

FASHION! Fairy Tales: The Empress' New Clothes, BBC1, 9pm

Now the updated Fairytales have passed under our radar a bit, despite us loving The Canterbury Tales and Shakespeare Re-told. However, the buzz on the forum is that they have been quite good fun.

Tonight's sees Denise Van Outen and Liz White (from Life on Mars and, indeed, Teachers) starring in a rehash of The Emperor's New Clothes.

The spin on this is that Denise plays a model, Michaela, who competes with her rival to get some hot new designers to make her catwalk outfits. Liz playes her friend, Shannon. However, apparently these new designer clothes are market stall clobber, so we will be spared half an hour of Denise wandering around nude and lots of terrible jokes about bangers, melons and the like. Phew.

Labels: BBC1, Fairytales, TV

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Monday, January 21, 2008

Law and disorder

HARMAN! City of Vice, Channel 4, 9pm

Labels: BBC1, Channel 4, city of vice, Damages, gay, Glenn Close, nigel harman, TV

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Sunday, January 13, 2008

Sunday: the new black

MULTIPLE CHOICE! Lots of Shows, Lots of Channels, Lots of Times

Oh, the life of a member of team lowculture. You wait days for something interesting to write about, and then suddenly a whole bunch of shows come along at once. Tonight sees a veritable feats of LC-tastic telly, so much so that we're doing a bumper preview, the like of which hasn't been since here since, ooh, Christmas and New Year.

First off the blocks today (and possibly the most highly anticipated on the forums, not least for traditional sweepstake shenanigans) is Dancing on Ice, on ITV1 at 5:50 and 8:50pm. Much has been made of this appearing on a Saturday night, apparently too scared of The One and Only, but maybe ITV just thought if they slung this on the same night as TV Burp and Primeval, there'd be nothing left for the rest of the week.

Anyway, even if you haven't watched this before, exciting reasons to pay attention: 1) The judges have been joined by Ruthie Henshall, which gives this more credibility than it has ever had thus far; 2) The contestants include Suzanne Shaw, Tim Vincent, Samantha Mumba, Steve Backley and SARAH GREENE (who we wish could have done Strictly Come Dancing, but seeing as this teams her back up with Pip Schofield, we don't mind too much); 3) Some of the LC community have set up Bitching on Ice, a commentary blog, which will make it worth it even if the show itself proves to be less than ace.

After this (or rather, during the last ten minutes of filler), you should turn your attention to BBC1 at 7:40pm, where Lark Rise to Candleford continues the channel's current period drama obession. This is made all the more watchable because it features LC faves Liz Smith, Julia Sawhalha (fresh out of Cranford), Mark Heap, Dawn French, and, in a starring role, Olivia Hallinan. Frocks, hairdos and maybe even the odd bonnet - what more could you want on a Sunday night?

Well, you may be torn, because opposite this at 8pm on Channel 4 is the terrestrial premiere of The Phantom of the Opera. Addmittedly it's not all that great, and it shows up the flimsiness of the musical's plot in a way the stage version can almost camoflauge. But the songs! And after recent episodes of The X Factor and When Joseph Met Maria we will always now be replayng this in our heads with a starring cast of Lee Mead, Connie Fisher and Rhydian Roberts, something Andrew Lloyd Webber is no doubt working very hard to make happen as we speak.

And the TV goods keep on coming. On BBC2 at 9pm, we see the latest in Louis Theroux' occasional series of documentaries, Louis Theroux: Behind Bars. We have much enjoyed his recent documantaries on cults, gambling and liposuction, and his time in San Quentin prison promises to be just as entertaining, illuminating, challenging and heatbreaking. If you fancy something a little more cosy, then 9:20pm on ITV1 brings you the new series of Kingdom. We have never watched this, but it stars Stephen Fry, so it's probably a fairly safe bet. And if all you want is a bit of fairly average but occasionally amusing comedy, BBC3 brings you yet another series of Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps at 9pm. We have never seen a full series of this, only ever the occasional episode on BBC3 when there was nothing else on, so our understanding of the show's timeline is completely skew-whiff. We expect to watch the new series in much the same manner.

Still not enough for you? Well, More4 repeats the surprisingly touching Half Ton Mum at 10pm, BBC1 screens episode 2 of Damages at 10:30pm, BBC2 features the opening weekend of Liverpool 08 at 10:45pm and Channel 4 has a profile of Robyn at 12:35am.

Never let it be said that you're not spoiled for choice, people.

Labels: BBC1, BBC2, BBC3, Channel 4, Damages, Dancing on Ice, Half Ton Mum, ITV1, Kingdom, Lark Rise, Liverpool 08, Louis Theroux, Phantom of the Opera, Robyn, Two Pints

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Saturday, January 12, 2008

And yet, you try to make me forget who I really am...

Labels: BBC1, The One and Only, tribute acts

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Tuesday, January 08, 2008

Affairs to remember

LADIES! Mistresses, BBC1, 9.00pm

Invoking the spectre of Sex and the City is one of the quickest ways to start an argument at lowculture towers, since there are those of us who consider it a classic, genre-defining series that has forever left a dildo-shaped hole in the TV schedules, and there are those of us who thought it was an overrated piece of wishy-washy claptrap that set the feminist agenda back by about 20 years. For the sake of privacy, we won't reveal who was in which court, but let's just say the discussion has never yet been settled without all of us screaming at each other and storming out in a sulk.

Of course, you can't talk about a show starring four women of a certain age without mentioning The Show That Should Not Be Named, which does tend to make things rather difficult. To save another argument getting in the way of things, we're going to move past that and instead focus on the important thing here, which is that this new show stars Sarah Parish. And we'll watch anything if it's got Sarah Parish in it. Even if the show was just Sarah Parish watching paint dry while reading aloud from the phone book, we'd still probably make it our pick of the day.

The BBC website describes this as "a sexy, sophisticated and bold take on the lives of four women and their involvement in an array of illicit and complex relationships", which sounds as though it ought to be delightfully sordid, although this is probably going to have an "aspirational" tone to it, so we can all sit watching it while devouring a big bar of chocolate and wondering why watching other people endure moral dilemmas is always far more fun than having moral dilemmas of your own. Those of you wanting to play along at home during the show, award yourself points for spotting which one is the Carrie, the Samantha, the Miranda, etc.

Labels: BBC1, Mistresses, TV

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Monday, January 07, 2008

The kids (shows) are all right

CHILD SPY! MI High, BBC1, 5.00pm

If daytime is the new peaktime, as the TV industry press would have us believe, then we reckon children's TV is the new new peaktime. Or the new daytime, or however it's supposed to work. After the amazingness that was The Sarah Jane Adventures, which managed to be warmer and more compelling and more likeable than quite a lot of primetime television, we no longer feel any shame in admitting when a kids' show is great, so we're sound the fanfare for the return of MI High to CBBC.

For those of you who didn't catch the first series (which would be those who are still at work at 5pm, and those who don't watch the CBBC channel at weekends, which we assume is quite a lot of people), it's basically Spooks in a school, albeit with the emphasis slightly less on global politics and more on leather-clad heroics, with a bunch of improbably good-looking teenagers routinely saving the world, as improbably good-looking teenagers often do on television. We caught a few episodes of the previous series, and were pleasantly surprised at the complexity of the plots and the high production values. Given our general affection for teen-oriented American television, take our work for it when we say it stands up to the glossy US shows admirably.

Today's opening episode involves a plot to kidnap the President of the United States of America, which we assume will be suitably foiled by our hardworking heroes, but not before 25 minutes of twists and turns. We recommend setting the video, or the PVR, or even claiming that you have an urgent dental appointment in order to sneak out of work early. We're normally firm advocates of telling the truth, but making it clear that you have to run home to watch a children's programme may invite some suspicious and unwanted questions. If you think you can handle that, mind, more power to you.

Labels: BBC1, MI High, TV

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Sunday, January 06, 2008

Close to me

Labels: BBC1, Damages, Glenn Close, Ted Danson

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Friday, January 04, 2008

And did those feet in ancient times

AGAIN! Jam and Jerusalem, BBC1, 8:30pm
BORN AGAIN! Extreme Pilgrim, BBC2, 9pm

The Christmas and New Year season tends to mess with our ideas of time. We completely lose track of what day of the week it is (it's Friday) and the TV schedulers only add to our confusion by scheduling programmes on any old day. Case in point, the new series of Jam and Jerusalem. Now it may only seem like, ooh, three days ago, that we were plugging the first episode. And it was. But here is the second one already. However, this Friday 8:30 timeslot is apparently its regular home. We thought you should know. Never let it be said we don't have any public service concerns.

With the US writer's strike going on, and much of the new season of programmes yet to kick in, there really isn't a lot to commend to you on the box tonight. So our recommendation has to be Extreme Pilgrim. In this three part series, TV vicar Pete Owen Jones, who resembles the lovechild of Tom-Baker-era-Doctor-Who and Jonathan Creek, investigates various spiritual practices from around the world. It's probably very similar to The Beginner's Guide To... series that Channel 4 do, only more educational and serious no doubt.

Anyway, tonight he goes and visits some Buddhist Shaolin monks. And if film has taught us anything at all, it's that Shaolin monks are kick-ass martial artists. So whilst we expect Owen-Jones to have a go at adopting a Buddhist diet, chanting, meditating and all that jazz, we are also hoping he learns some fighting skills. In the name of public service and education, of course.

Labels: BBC1, BBC2, Extreme Pilgrim, jam and jerusalem

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Saturday, December 29, 2007

House and country

OUTLAW! Robin Hood, BBC1, 6.00pm

While having lunch with a friend of ours yesterday, we were debating the condition of modern light entertainment, as is often the case with us. The conversation turned to the subject of Robin Hood, with our friend opining that while she couldn't bear to watch a single second of the first series, she'd rather enjoyed series two. The reason? The producers had clearly realised when they were onto a good thing, and had taken every possible opportunity to get Richard Armitage to take his shirt off. Because essentially, while we like to think we're a very sophisticated audience, it's surprising how quickly we can be won over with some utterly gratuitous but well-deployed shirtlessness. (The same can be said of season two of Heroes; even when the plot was hopelessly off-course, an episode could be instantly saved by the inclusion of shirtless Peter Petrelli.)

The second series has been doing a fair job of holding up the ratings in a thankless slot against The X Factor (perhaps if Robin spent more time talking about his dead parents, he might have managed a more sizeable audience), and some quite nifty guest stars including Charlie Brooks and Josie Lawrence. Tonight's series-closing double bill includes a guest appearance from Konnie Huq, our second-favourite Blue Peter presenter (after Gethin, natch), and hopefully twice the amount of shirtless Guy of Gisborne. If it ain't broke, after all...

MEDICAL! House weekend, Hallmark, from 10.00am

Although we were surprisingly unscathed by our downgrading from cable TV to Freeview a year ago, one thing we do miss from time to time is when the niche channels decided to boost their ratings by running a marathon of their top shows for an entire weekend, so you could just sit there and gorge yourself on quality (or otherwise) television without even needing to worry if the remote control was within arm's reach. We still miss the Living Charmed weekends, and we're more than a little disappointed that we won't be able to catch Hallmark showing the entirety of season two of House back-to-back. But we're still charitable enough to mention it to you guys, to make sure you know it's happening.

So, if your eyes and your bottom are up to it, look forward to LL Cool J, romantic entanglements, sex being a very dangerous thing, and that kickass finale episode with its alarmingly loose grip on reality, amongst other things. You'll have to wait until tomorrow for that one, though, so be sure to get some exercise in the meantime. We only want what's best for you.

Labels: BBC1, Hallmark, House, Robin Hood, TV

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Saturday, December 22, 2007

Dancing - with tears in their eyes?

FINALE! Strictly Come Dancing, BBC1, 5.50pm and 9.25pm

Gah, we've only just got over the excitement disappointment of this year's X Factor final, and now it's time for the final showdown in the Saturday night show that we actually gave a toss about this year: Strictly Come Dancing. It's been a thrilling series with more than its fair share of controversial moments, but Alesha Dixon and Matt Di Angelo have made it to the final and only one of them can win. Who will it be? We don't know, obviously, but let's have a quick(ish) look back over the highs and lows of the series:

First to get the boot was Brian "Richard Hillman" Capron, possibly as a result of Gail getting on the phone and furiously voting for all the other contestants. He was partnered with Karen Hardy, and we were a bit relieved to see her go out first - it's not that we're vindictive, because we like Karen a lot, but she's far less scary as a pundit on It Takes Two than she is as a contestant. There was lowculture-based outrage in week two when the iconic Stephanie Beacham was dismissed by the judges after the dance-off in favour of Letitia Dean, despite having clearly performed better. Could this, gasped the tinhat-wearing internet conspiracy theorists, have anything to do with the fact that Letitia had just signed on for the live tour, whereas Stephanie had not? We'll never know, but in all fairness Stephanie seemed grateful for the chance to put her feet up so soon, and Letitia went on to get a lot better, so really it was a win-win.

Week three was the calm before the storm, when Willie Thorne was ejected in favour of John Barnes (who, you may not have noticed, is a SPORTSMAN and dances LIKE A BLOKE - just putting that out there), but week four was when the shit hit the fan, as Gabby Logan and Penny Lancaster-Stewart were in the bottom two. Cries of "wtf?" were heard around the country, since nobody had expected either of them to go out so early. The judges elected to save Penny, and Gabby did an impressive gracious loser face, though it became apparent later that even several weeks after the fact, she still hasn't quite managed to see the funny side of it. This was also a massive smack in the face to those of us who assumed that Gabby and James would be the obvious victors in the contrived battle of the houses of Logan and Jordan.

Next to be sent home was Dominic Littlewood, who also proved himself to be a poor sportsman, especially when faced against John Barnes in the dance-off, considering that John Barnes is an actual SPORTSMAN, so we lost him and with him the lovely Lilia. The following week, Penny's luck ran out as she was up against the unexpectedly unpopular (that week, at least) Matt in the bottom two. He got saved by the judges, and Penny turned out to be one of those few but fortunate people who can still look incredibly pretty while crying.

John and Nicole were in the dance-off again the next week, and were joined by Kate Garraway and Anton du Beke, who had been living on borrowed time for quite a while. We would like, however, to take this opportunity to congratulate Kate for being a fantastic sport about the whole thing, and to wonder why people always single her out as the worst in the competition when Kenny Logan was no better. Anyway, John had also been dancing on the edge for some time and met his match the following week when up against Kelly Brook in the dance-off (Kelly having delivered an uninspiring samba due to having barely rehearsed that week, which we later learned was due to her dad being very ill).

Kelly then chose to withdraw from the competition following the death of her dad, leaving the top five as Alesha, Matt, Letitia, Kenny and Gethin Jones. One of those names does not belong, you may have spotted it: yep, Kenny was eliminated that week despite his lifting prowess, and not a moment too soon. Which not only meant that for the first time in two years, the show would definitely not be won by a SPORTSMAN, but that we realised we actually liked everyone in the top four, which seldom happens. Also this week, Gethin finally got over his well-documented "intimacy issues" and learned to shake what his mama gave him. Girls and gay boys countrywide were delighted with the results.

Still reading? Well done, we're nearly there. The quarter-final brought surprises aplenty as Matt forgot his steps twice and was bottom of the leaderboard with the judges, but was hastily saved by the voting public, leaving Alesha and Letitia to fight it out for the last spot in the semi-final. Letitia lost out, but bowed out of the competition with complete grace, so good on her. The semi-final brought even more surprises as Alesha delivered a beautiful Quickstep and Matt's Waltz got the competition's first perfect score, which had the unfortunate side effect of kicking Gethin out at the very last stage, in a decision that was not exactly approved of by all.

So here we are: Alesha and Matthew versus Ma