Friday, April 11, 2008
Seacrest and sighs
CHARITY! American Idol, ITV2, 9.00 & 11.00pm Labels: American Idol, ITV2, TV
It seemed like an odd idea last year: for a show like American Idol that's always felt to be unashamedly about generating extra sources of revenue for record companies to suddenly develop a conscience - especially after foisting Taylor Hicks on an unsuspecting universe the year before - and devote an entire programme to raising money for charity felt weird, somehow. As though we were constantly expecting Ryan Seacrest to announce the whole thing had been an elaborate wind-up and all the donations were going to fund Clive Davis's next annual bonus instead. But no, they raised over $70 million to help fight poverty, and the whole thing was such a success, they're going to do it again this year, and make it bigger. Ah, now that feels like American Idol.
While the whole thing might sound like a rather cringe-worthy effort, there's enough corporate muscle behind the whole thing to pull in some seriously A-list stars, including the likes of Brad Pitt, Mariah Carey and Bono (it was inevitable that he'd turn up, wasn't it?), alongside some slightly less amazing but still bankable stars like Fergie, Celine Dion, Vanessa Hudgens and Miley Cyrus (who, we're sure, was just bein' Miley), as well as Idol alumni such as Fantasia, Elliott Yamin, DAUGHTRY!!11!, and Carrie Underwood.
Last night, the Idols sang "inspirational songs" to gain public support (and really, David Archuleta, 'Angels' inspires us to do a lot of things, none of them good) and following the charity event, there's the inevitable results show. Last year the overwhelming sense of charity so touched the heart of the Idol producers that they decided they couldn't possibly have an elimination on charity night - but will they pull that trick again this year? Or will they decide that the truly charitable thing is to put one of this year's contestants out of their misery and send them home? Either way, we'll find out later.
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Thursday, March 13, 2008
The devil makes work for Idol (stage)hands
NEW SET! American Idol, ITV2, 8.00pm Labels: American Idol, ITV2, TV
How peculiar - we'd assumed that the Idol-on-Thursdays thing was temporary, for the auditions, at first. Then we assumed it would be just while the semi-finals were on, to save trying to screen everything until the wee hours of Saturday morning. And yet, what fuckery is this? ITV2 are carrying it on right the way through to the competition proper, with the main performance show on Thursday and the results on a Friday. Not that we object to getting the main show a day sooner than we're used to, since we're usually champing at the bit by this point anyway, but it does rather play havoc with our tradition of coming back from work on a Friday night, ordering a takeaway and collapsing on the sofa for an excess of American Idol. Nonetheless, we must learn to adjust.
There are many things to be excited about on Top 12 night (which is tonight, by the way):
- After aeons of trying, the producers have finally secured the rights to the Lennon/McCartney back catalogue. Um, yay?
- There's a new set, which is apparently so elaborate that it only just fits into the studio; the hardworking tech people have done their utmost to get it in and working to a punishing deadline, and apparently are now fretting how they're going to get it out again for the Grand Finale in May, which is held elsewhere.
- Season five runner up (and lowculture favourite) Katharine McPhee is appearing on tomorrow's results show, having been somewhat snubbed last season
- Someone always forgets the lyrics at this point every year - in season five Melissa McGhee ended up singing "hope my redeliction nishes" to Stevie Wonder's 'Lately', and last year Brandon Rogers and Haley Scarnato fell victim to marblemouth disease. Where will the virus strike next?
Obviously we don't get a say in the voting, but that doesn't mean we don't get a say in who sucks and who rocks. And handily, the lovely and talented forum poster al has compiled this cut-out-and-keep* guide to the Top 12 of 2008, where we've added a few thoughts of our own:
"The auditions, the Hollywood juncture, and the ever-peculiar Top 24 episodes have been and gone, and we’re down to the live finals. And the final list has thrown up a few surprises, or more fittingly, surprise omissions. Mind you, Danny Noriega’s finger-snapping and Valley Girl cadence were never going to trigger dialling-induced RSI around the Bible Belt, whilst Asia’h Epperson frankly paid the price for displaying the revered American institution of nonsensical forename apostrophe use normally reserved for Ricki Lake guests.
So what are we left with? According to Ryan Seacrest, the most talented Top 12 in the history of American Idol. Meh. What does he know? Hey, fancy a significantly less obsequious rundown of who to put your money on..?
Ramiele Malubay
Aiming to go one better than fellow Filipina finalist Jasmine Trias (you remember her, all Hawaiian flowers and twee), Ramiele’s quite the belter, and more importantly, managed to get Simon Cowell on side early on. But then again, so did Raquelle from Hope, and it’ll be a dowdy day in Sinitta’s wardrobe before we hear from that one again.
David Cook
Pseudo-rocker whose inexplicably thick neck makes him appear deceptively fat. Having already gotten Cowell’s back up with a textbook “I’m not doing this for you, I’m doing this for America! Yeah!! U-S-A! U-S-A!” retort, it looked unlikely that David’s brand of watery McRawk would take him very far, until a surprisingly decent take on Lionel Richie’s 'Hello'. No, really. (Though he really needs to finish following Chris Daughtry's example and get rid of that awful combover by shaving his damn head altogether. - Steve)
David Hernandez
Barman and go-go boy (if the internet is to be believed – and when has it ever been unreliable?) from Arizona, it seems Middle America is experiencing a second dose of Antonella Barba Syndrome and are up in arms at the mere idea of previous nudity. Nonetheless, it’s difficult to detract from an admirable confidence and impressive vocals (though the overplucked eyebrows go some way to managing it).
Brooke White
Wholesome, virginal Disney princess with a substantial talent. As happy to bang away at a piano or strum a guitar as she is trilling like a nightingale, Brooke musically bridges the gap between Karen Carpenter and Alicia Keys. And as her in-show USP was that she’s never seen a porno, she’s got the Christian vote if nothing else. A strong contender for the Top 3. (And for what it's worth, she's my favourite contestant this year, which means that she almost certainly will not win. - Steve)
Carly Smithson
Tattoo parlour proprietor from Cork, who has had America’s gums flapping over the fact she released a major label album in 2001, a chunk of which went on to be recycled and caterwauled by Kelly Clarkson. Apparently, this also means she’s been shagging all three judges, founded freemasonry, and shot JFK. Still, ‘controversy’ aside, Carly displays the most impressive pipes in the contest. Cailín maith!
Chikezie
Serial auditionee who finally made it to a stage where anyone begins to give a crap. Powerful voice and killer stage presence are nullified by atrocious velvet suits, and that’s before you even consider Simon Cowell’s ongoing habit of calling him “Jacuzzi”. Accidentally, of course, and not for the purposes of contrived televisual hilarity.
Kristy Lee Cook
Dainty country ‘n’ western songbird with little else of note. Simon has already decreed Kristy will be hard pushed to make it beyond the Top 10, so we shouldn’t have to endure her quarter-arsed LeAnn Rimes schtick for much longer. If only the same could be said about the blubbery scutter bellowing 'Love Machine' in the Chicago Town sponsorship bumpers.
Amanda Overmyer
Somewhere between Amy Winehouse and Janis Joplin as performed by Cheryl Baker, nurse Amanda boasts a seasoned rock growl, comedy scat vocals, clumsy stage-trudging and hair like a petrified skunk. By far and away the most unique contestant, but America would be more likely to deport Oprah than crown Amanda their next Idol. (And I'm waiting for just the right occasion to crack an "Overmyer dead body!" joke. - Steve)
David Archuleta
Channelling a particularly squidgy compound of early Gareth Gates and a Labrador puppy, make way for a nation of females reaching screenwards to pinch his cheeks. In fairness, he also possesses one of the competition’s best voices, so expect a landslide victory followed by a lukewarm second album and a lengthy spell in drug rehab.
Michael Johns
While Carly flies the Irish flag, the considerably-gifted Michael Johns is the second contestant threatening to be a non-American American Idol. Hailing from Australia, Randy’s already likened him to Michael Hutchence. We’d have dismissed this as a lazy comparison relating solely to geography, though given it came off the back of a Simple Minds cover, it seems Paula’s been sharing her sweeties around the judging table.
Jason Castro
Dreadlocked muso who’s previously snuck into the spotlight as co-bumper-of-uglies with tweenage Lilith Fair fodder and MTV reality urchin, Cheyenne Kimball. Jason certainly displays a sizeable talent behind the mic, yet appears incapable of stringing a sentence together. Still, seeing Ryan Seacrest try to cope with the awkwardness of a one-word answer guarantees a few chuckles.
Syesha Mercado
Claims to be an actress, though a glimpse at her CV suggests she’s been as much of an actress as Jordan has a recording artist. Nevertheless, Florida native Syesha boasts a genial quirk, a decent pair of lungs, and one hell of a barnet. Additionally, she’s already got a hefty online army of supporters calling themselves “Faneshas”, which may well be the most gag-inducing name for a collective since “Fearne & Reggie”."
*lowculture accepts no responsibility for damage caused to your monitor or other technological equipment by foolishly attempting to cut out a page of the internet. We mean, really.
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Friday, February 22, 2008
They're the Kids in America
WARBLE! American Idol, ITV2, 9.00pm, 10.00pm Labels: American Idol, ITV2, TV
This week American Idol moves from the audition stages to the 'final 24' stage. We realise this stage actually started last night, but the front page was pretty chocka yesterday. The 'final 24' stage of this show always strikes us as a bit bizarre: it's not the official public voting stage, yet the singers perform and the public vote. Maybe we are a little dense, but we don't fully get its purpose. We never fully got the audience voting rounds in Pop Idol either, to be honest. Still, it's nice to actually get to see some of the good singers in action before the very last stage, unlike in certain shows we can mention, X Factor.
It's probably too early to pick favourite contestants at this stage of the game because you run a very serious risk of having your heart broken, but certain people are already standing out for users of the forum including 'Proud Mary' (Danny) and Carly.
We wouldn't be so foolish as to predict winners and losers at this stage of the game, but let's just say there are way too many Daves and Davids that got through to the final 24, so we don't expect all of them to make the cut.
We don't know yet whether this will be a classic series. Certainly there have been a lot of good people that got through, but we're not sure anyone truly spectacular stood out. Perhaps that is the problem with this show in a way. There are so many good singers that it can sometimes be hard to find those who could be stars. Discuss.
By Rad :: Post link
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Thursday, January 17, 2008
Idol pursuits
TALENT? American Idol, ITV2, 9.00/11.00pm Labels: American Idol, ITV2, TVFinally. Let's banish the unpleasant spectre of The X Factor and that whimpering chap who won it for good (or at the very least, until the end of August) and get back to where it's really at: the granddaddy of them all, American Idol. No groups. No over-30s. No judges doubling as mentors. And best of all, absolutely no Louis Walsh. No wonder this is the singing contest we can watch without developing stress lesions.
Last year's Idol was memorable, but for perhaps a lot of the wrong reasons. Unlike most years, where there are one or two extremely strong contestants who are always a shoo-in for the victory, last year's Top 12 was a mixed bag, most of which were above average but few of which were exceptional, leaving the race to victory wide open until fairly late on. And there were the controversies, of course: those sordid pictures of Antonella Barba leaking onto the internet. Sanjaya Malakar's hair. The most hilarious lovers' tiff yet between Simon Cowell and Ryan Seacrest (including Seacrest memorably snapping "don't call me sweetheart. We don't have that kind of a relationship."). Ashley Ferl, the crying girl. Sanjaya Malakar turning to Teflon and sticking to the competition longer than anyone thought possible. The moment when Chris Richardson and Blake Lewis were in the bottom two together, leading to the most tearjerking goodbye of the season, and also the gayest moment in six years of an already highly-gay show. Early favourite Melinda Doolittle bowing out in the semi-final. Eventual winner Jordin Sparks's album being the lowest-selling debut from an Idol winner ever. See, that's not even scratching the surface, and even like that it's already a zillion times more exciting than The X Factor.
So, it's a new year, and these are things we hold true: there will be many, many auditionees. There are 24 studio-singing places to be filled by the various hopefuls. At least one good singer will get kicked off unexpectedly early. At least one bad singer will still be here long after the joke has ceased to be funny. Paula Abdul will make at least one surprisingly coherent comment. Randy Jackson will continue to use the non-word "pitchy" to describe any vocal that is out of tune, and will call all the contestants "dawg", regardless of gender. Simon Cowell will get booed every time he phrases a comment in such a way as not to be pure, unsullied praise. Ryan Seacrest will wear a lot of expensive suits. And we will get completely hooked, and start scouring the internet for places where we might find MP3s of our favourite performances, because we are absolutely that lame. This...is American Idol.
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Friday, May 25, 2007
Crossing Jordin
FINALE! American Idol: The Finale, ITV2, 8.30pm Labels: American Idol, ITV2, TV
And so another season of American Idol draws to a close. But before we run off to scribe missives to the heads of ITV and 19 Television informing them precisely what torture we will exact on their treasured family pets if they recommission those hateful, vacuous Cat Deeley inserts for next season's coverage, we need to find out who won this year. And although the plethora of spoilers on the internet will make it easy for anyone who wants to know now, we should point out that at the time of writing this, the results are yet to be announced.
While this is probably unlikely to go down in history as a classic season of Idol, and the likes of Melissa McGhee and Ayla Brown are probably kicking themselves for not hanging on 12 months and entering this year where they could conceivably have wiped the floor with half of these people instead of finishing 12th and 13th respectively, it hasn't been without its moments. Let us pray silence as we remember: the Sanjaya Monologues, where the world's shiniest teenager continued to astound us every week with his latest hairdo; the Mysterious Mystery of Melinda Doolittle's Rapidly Vanishing Neck; the Equally Mysterious Mystery of Haley Scarnato's Rapidly Vanishing Hemline; and of course the epic love story of Blake Lewis and Chris Richardson that was brought to a cruel and premature end when Chris was voted off in fifth place, leading to officially the greatest hug in television history (which was edited out by those BASTARDS at ITV in favour of the Cat Deeley Redundancy Corner, so God bless YouTube). Good times:
After last week's shock elimination of the awesome Melinda Doolittle, it's Blake versus Jordin Sparks in the finale. Our money's on Jordin, except in the very literal sense where it's actually on Blake, but we made that bet several weeks ago when his victory looked a lot more likely, and also we stood to make more money on his odds than we did on hers. Regardless, this is the first finale in ages where we've loved the top 2 equally and don't mind who wins. Either one of them will make a fine replacement for Taylor Hicks's hideous spazzing face on next year's opening titles, so it's all good.
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Friday, April 13, 2007
The Sanjaya Monologues
SANJAYA! American Idol, ITV2, 8.30pm Labels: American Idol, ITV2, TV
Pray tell, what camp were you in last year? Were you a paid-up member of Soul Patrol? Were you a McPhan? Perhaps you were a Yaminion? This year, there's one fan campaign that's taking the internet by storm, and it's not the Blaker Girls. Oh no: this year, it's all about the Fanjayas. And believe it or not, that's not a euphemism for a lady's mimsy. At least, not yet.
In case you've been buried under a rock for the past few weeks (or in case you've just been driven away from this show by Cat fucking Deeley, in which case we entirely understand), Sanjaya is the floater in the toilet of American Idol, the one who we all assumed would be long gone by this stage. But something appears to have gone very wrong this year - Sanjaya, along with fellow fodder candidates Phil Stacey and Haley Scartissue -- sorry, Scarnato -- has a chokehold on the contest and is refusing to go away.
The internet, it appears, loves Sanjaya. He's the candidate of choice on Vote for the Worst, and whether at their behest or independently, a lot of rock music mailgroups on the internet are sending out mailshots to get people to cast their votes Sanjaya-wards. (This makes more sense when you realise that this show actually uses toll-free numbers for its votes, which is why such a plan would never work over here - who'd waste 25p a vote trying to sabotage The X Factor when it does such a good job of sandbagging itself?) There's even a specialist website called If Sanjaya Wins, where you can pledge -- or threaten -- what you will do if he manages to outlast everyone else.
There's something rather endearingly car-crashy about Sanjaya - particularly when he gets into I Don't Give A Fuck mode and embraces his status as a national object of ridicule with renditions of The Kinks' 'You Really Got Me' or No Doubt's 'Bathwater'. Tonight's Latin night, and heck knows what he'll pull out of the bag, but we're sure it'll be memorable. The particularly obsessed amongst you will already have looked up on the internet to see who went this week, but in the interests of staying spoiler-free, we'll just say that if it was Jordin or Blake, we may have to kill someone.
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Friday, March 09, 2007
The demon Barba of Fellate Street
SCANDAL! American Idol, ITV2, 8.30pm Labels: American Idol, ITV2, TV
Oh, American Idol. Just when we thought you were going to be quite dull this year after all, you find a whole new way of entertaining us. Every year there needs to be a contestant with the faint whiff of controversy about him or her, and this year that role will be filled by the delightful (read: snotty and rather obnoxious) Billie Piper hookerlike, Antonella Barba. Wave hello to Antonella, everyone!
If you pride yourself on knowing your celebrity gossip, you will have seen Antonella about recently. Perhaps sitting on the toilet and grinning at a camera. Or wearing a wet t-shirt and posing at a monument of historical importance. Perhaps even wearing acrylic nails and fellating some random bloke. Except the fellatio pictures have been widely denounced as fakes, particularly by Antonella's BFF and fellow Idol auditionee Amanda Coluccio, who claims that Antonella has never, ever worn acrylic nails, and isn't that the real crime here? Oh, and she said that Antonella's "the least slutty person I know". Presumably right before all of her other friends got their righteous indignation on and started pelting her with cans of hairspray.
Anyway, lest we forget, this is a singing competition (ha ha!), and word from Idol HQ is that despite this personal tragedy, Antonella will not be forced to leave the show unless the viewers choose to decide as much with their votes. But since Antonella is currently the female candidate of choice on Idol-smiting website Vote for the Worst, she may not be going anywhere just yet. (And to be honest, we're not sure we want her to go just yet, because we have this curious affection for her that we can't quite explain.) Tonight is the moment of truth for the candidates, since the last quadruple cut of the semifinals is being made and the Top 12 will be decided tonight. Idol aficionados may remember this point from last year as the moment where presumed shoo-in Ayla Brown fell at the last hurdle and was usurped by plucky underdog Melissa McGhee, who promptly undid all her good work the following week by forgetting the words to Stevie Wonder's 'Lately' ("I have many, many wishes / Hope my prediliction ishes...") and getting sent on her merry way home.
Will one of the assumed "worthy" candidates take a last minute faceplant as The Notorious A.N.T.O.N.E.L.L.A. rushes headlong into the final 12, despite having given two very questionable performances in the semifinals, and the odds on a third of similar quality being very high? We'll find out tonight as the dashing Ryan Seacrest (fuck off, we love him, we don't care what anyone says) announces America's Top 12 contestants. There'll be tears, there'll be tantrums, there may be more scandalous revelations. The X Factor, eat your heart out. We love this show.
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Friday, February 16, 2007
Lowe culture
SUSPENSE! American Idol, ITV2, 8.30pm Labels: American Idol, Deuce, gay, North and South, Tom Lowe, Tom Watkins
For some of us, nothing is more excruciating than the weeks of well orchestrated bad auditions for American Idol that somehow still inspire people to ponder "do they actually think they are good?" Well, of course they don't. This year, fewer of the people remotely good are even appearing on the show, making the transition into stage two of the series slightly more welcome.
One contestant who auditioned for the show and actually does have a rather good impression of himself is Tom Lowe. Tom is of course formerly of the Tom Watkins boyband creation (and lowculture favourite) North and South (post-Deuce, pre-Grand Designs) who went on to spend some time in the usual West End productions before fucking off to Harvard as a back-up plan.
Now he would like to be famous again and does not seem too concerned that being a gay or taking some of his clothes off for the university's sex journal is going to get in the way. The way this LA Weekly piece pulls at straws in hope of a scandal all seems rather confusing and silly. The way they go on, you would think they had uncovered a taste for chunky thighs, sauna sex and watersports.
Indeed, the real scandal here is the gross imbalance of Massachusetts tourism guides, Star-spangled Banners, student films, Tigers and comedy cross-dressing compared to the lack of No Sweat episodes on the internet. Tom really deserves another big break.
Tonight, we will discover the fate of 'Thomas Lowe' as the Hollywood group are narrowed to a mere twelve boys and twelve girls. The fact that his audition has so far only aired on UK television and not at all on the American broadcast should in no way predict his fate.
Well, really!
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Friday, January 19, 2007
Idol speculation
CONTEST! American Idol, ITV2, 8.30pm » Paris Bennett, the girl with the voice and soul of a woman about four times her age (who ended up finishing in a deeply disappointing fifth place). Labels: American Idol, ITV2, TV
Holy fuck, ITV2 schedulers! We realise that the Fox network in the States wants to celebrate the return of their all-conquering talent search for a sixth season with two two-hour specials, but did you really have to schedule them back to back on a Friday night, finishing at half past midnight? Just how obsessed do you think we are? Actually, considering we're still seething about the lovely Katharine McPhee losing to the asstastic Taylor Hicks last year, it's probably best not to answer that.
This does pretty much mean we're officially surrendering our Friday nights for the next five months, and no matter how much we might try to claim that we're really not that into it, or that we're not going to get sucked in again this year, we're pretty sure we'll end up hooked regardless.
Last year brought us some interesting moments, such as:
» Melissa McGhee fudging the words to Stevie Wonder's 'Lately' to the extent that from now on we will always sing it as "hope my prediliction ishes".
» Ayla Brown crying like a little girl when she just missed out on a place in the Top 12.
» David Radford looking like he was going to hurl the entire way through the two live performance shows that he actually made it to.
» Kellie Pickler wondering what a "ballsy" is.
» Lunchlady Ace Young wearing the world's most unattractive hairnet (in itself quite an impressive feat).
» And of course that brilliant moment in the final four elimination where Katharine totally thought she was going and we all totally thought Katharine was going, and Chris Daughtry clearly thought Katharine was going and that he would go on to win, only for Seacrest to announce that Chris had been eliminated and for Chris to completely forget his gracious loser face:
Awesome.
So! A new year, a new search, and plenty more moments to cherish. Possibly even the uncovering of a quite good singer, somewhere. You just never know.
By Steve :: Post link
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