This website has been dormant for a few years now, but I always knew it would come back to life for a suitably momentous lowcultural event. It became clear that day had finally arrived when I was scrolling through Twitter and spotted a tweet from the singer Beverley Knight, which contained the news that she had a festive single on the way – the theme to a new British film called The Loss Adjuster. Cometh the hour, cometh lowculture.co.uk.
I’m thrilled to announce my brand new festive single ‘A Christmas Wish, The Theme to The Loss Adjuster‘ will be released this Friday! The single is the theme to the new British film ‘The Loss Adjuster’ and you can pre-order it from here right now!! : https://t.co/BFPJsPFqzu pic.twitter.com/rAmzx5UZTE
— Beverley Knight (@Beverleyknight) November 9, 2020
Now, I love both Beverly Knight and Christmas music, so my curiosity was immediately piqued. I’d never heard of this cinematic treat, but that’s not particularly unusual – my attention span is so shot to hell these that days that I find a 24-minute episode of Coronation Street “a bit much”, and actual, full-length movies aren’t really something I actively seek out. But the lure of Dame Bev, singing a Christmas-themed song, was too great – I had to know more.
The film’s title also intrigued me. I sat there thinking “who the actual fuck would call a romantic comedy film The Loss Adjuster?”, and before I knew it, my fingers were typing the unlikely words into Google. Seconds later, this was the unforgettable image that filled my screen.
My eyes could read the list of names along the top and see the grid of soft-focus pictures, but my brain couldn’t make sense of them. Why would him out of Spandau Ballet be in a movie with Abi Branning and Joan Collins? What is Kym Marsh doing there – I’m sure I just saw her on BBC1’s Morning Live, asking if I’d grass up a neighbour for defying Covid rules? Why is Cathy Tyson wearing a giant Photoshop bow? Are both of Bros in it, or is it just one of them, twice? Have they seen the poster for Love Actually, or is it just a very unlikely coincidence? And last but by no means least, is that LIEUTENANT GRUBER FROM ‘ALLO ‘ALLO!?
It was more than anyone could be reasonably expected to comprehend at just gone 10am on a Monday, but it seemed that my eyes did not deceive me. Someone had actually made a Love Actually-style Christmas romcom about an insurance loss adjuster, starring all those amazing people.
By this point, I was beside myself with excitement. I needed information, and luckily there was a full synopsis on IMDB which answered a lot of my questions, but also posed many, many more…
The Loss Adjuster follows Martin Dyer (Goss), a hapless insurance loss adjuster who hits financial hardship, prompting his wife Angie (Marsh) to leave him the week before Christmas. His day goes from bad to worse with a catalogue of extraordinary and humorous encounters with a flirtatious and rather amorous widow (Collins), a corrupt Doctor (Siner), a lascivious female escort (Greenidge) and a dead rat. It is only later, at the funeral of a client, that Martin has an epiphany; and with the help of his unlikely friendship with a teenage thief (Byrne), he discovers that sometimes you have to lose it all to find out what really matters.
Well, that all sounds AMAZING. I knew I had to see it as soon as possible, but it wasn’t due in cinemas until the end of the month, by which time there might not even be any cinemas. Then I realised – there would be a trailer. Oh GOD, a trailer! And there was, and it was good.
I made some notes as a watched…
- Regent Street! I work near there! Well, I did, back when anyone still went to work.
- The Boots at Piccadilly Circus! I sometimes go there for the meal deal, when I fancy a change from the Boots on the Strand!
- Kym Marsh! In her first big post-Corrie role. Unless you count the BBC1 show I just mentioned, which I’m not going to. She seems to be dumping one of Bros. Makes a change from dumping Steve McDonald, I guess…
- Kym Marsh says “What are you looking at, you old bint?”. What a line! Wait a minute, “bint”? Are we allowed to say “bint” now? Well she’s said it now, I guess. I’d better Google it, so I don’t get cancelled for saying it, even though it was actually Kym Marsh what said it. Well, not Kym Marsh, Kym Marsh’s character, but you know what I mean.
- OK, someone from Wales on the Digital Spy forums said in 2015 said that “daft bint = silly moo, not as harsh as stupid cow”, so I’m taking that as definitive, although it probably won’t be slipping into daily use. Oh bugger, I’m missing the trailer…
- Yeah, definitely just one of Bros. Unless the other one turns up later, although how would I know for sure?
- Oh, so Bros is the titular Loss Adjuster, then. “Bros Adjuster”, must make a note of that so I can roll my eyes in mock horror when I see it in a magazine.
- Is that Joan Collins? Why is her hair a different colour on the poster!
“Wow, that wig is very ‘Villainous mother-in-law in a François Ozon drama'” – twitter.com/Box0fficePoison
- Bros is really bad at adjusting losses, lololololol! Hilarity is bound to ensue!
- Ooh, here’s Lieutenant Gruber. I hope he does the accent.
- Oh. He didn’t do the accent.
- Classic “teen hooligan with a heart of gold”. You can tell he’s a teenager because he’s wearing a hat.
- Abi Branning! I’ve still not forgiven EastEnders for killing her off. Nice to see her in something else!
- Is Bros going to get off with Abi Branning? Please, no.
- Obligatory romcom “all men are BASTARDS” scene. Kym Marsh’s mascara is running and everything.
- Bros is taking his clothes off! Eww, no, put them back on again.
- Oh hold on a minute, he’s got decent legs. Don’t put them back on after all. In fact, take more of them off!
- Kym Marsh is flirting with him out of Spandau Ballet. Blimey, And that tight sweater moment is slightly lascivious. Well, I guess it is a British comedy, so it needs to have at least one gratuitous bosom shot of a “sexpot”.
- Vas Blackwood! He used to be Winston in The Lenny Henry Show, which has just gone on BritBox, but if you watch it, please remember that the 1980s were a VERY different time.
- MYSTERIOUS LETTER.
- Still 30 seconds of this trailer to go, is anyone still reading?
- Is Bros going to get off with Joan Collins? Please, no.
- Have they just shown the actual ending at the end of the trailer? I think they might have.
Well, that all looks AMAZING. It’s the only thing that’s made me want to go within 500 metres of a cinema since this whole pandemic thing started – and I’m not the only one, if these comments from people who replied when I tweeted about it are anything to go by…
What have I just watched?! I can’t wait though! – @emilyandmore
Everything about this is perfect! The fact it’s billed to look exactly like Love Actually but then that terrible title! – @SophLouiseHall
This could be Joan Collins’ greatest film since ‘Annie 2: A Royal Adventure!’ – @danielearwicker
OH MY GOD I HAVE TO SEE THIS! –@RightEyeReynolz
And the best news of all is, you don’t HAVE to go within 500 metres of a cinema to watch it, as it’s now getting a digital release on December 1. I have literally no idea how films like this ever get made, but I’m extremely glad that they occasionally do. It’s billing itself as the UK’s No.1 feelgood movie of 2020, and it’s certainly made me feel good today. Coronavirus vaccine? Keep it and pump THIS into my veins. See you all on Twitter for a watch party?